ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Ok folks MySpace site has a ton of new people on it ...its funny
because for some reason last week it developed growth on its
own and I gained about 70 "friends" ...well below what I want
though ... so if you have a MySpace site and wish to add me
please do ...even if you are NOT a Toronto Maple Leafs Fan!
<a href=" http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
">MySpace</a>
http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
Each week I try to come up with something witty or inspiring to
fill this space ...and for some reason this week my mind is
blank...could be all the hot air from the politicians around here
that caused that!
there is a lot of bullshit flying around here. ;)
Have a good week.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Carole, JB, Joanie,
Sherri, Tammy, Ron, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a newspaper and a TV?
Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Dumping For Dollars
They say that breaking up is hard to do. At least that's what the song
says. So for $68, you can outsource the job.
German entrepreneur Bernd Dressler has started a service where he
delivers a break-up message on behalf of someone who wants to dump his
or her lover, partner, or spouse.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue, Welcome to Dumpsville, Population:
You"
Dressler's so-called Separation Agency has helped to terminate 120
relationships in 11 months, earning him the nickname, "The Terminator."
"We have had dating agencies for 30 years," Dressler told the BBC.
"If
you want to have a new partnership, then you have to quit your previous
one."
Dressler will deliver the bad news with typical German efficiency in
person for 50 Euros, or by phone for 20.
"I say to them, 'Good day, my name is Bernd Dressler from the Separation
Agency, and I have been asked by your partner to inform you that he or
she wishes to end your relationship,'" Dressler said in an interview
with the BBC.
The client is asked to give three reasons for the breakup, and then gets
to choose from one of four breakup packages, starting with a "let's stay
friends" arrangement, which includes a "sensitive phone call."
I should sue Dressler for royalties. I was on the receiving end of this
one so many times in college, I trademarked it.
For the 50 Euro package, Dressler will show up on your soon-to-be ex's
doorstep, and give a painfully detailed account of why you can't stand
him or her anymore. He will then collect your stuff and be on his way.
The BBC also spoke with one of Dressler's victims -- er, recipients -- a
37-year-old council official named
unsuspecting
him.
"It hurt like hell at the time,"
was very objective. I suppose it was the only way that Heike could tell
me that things are over."
No, there was one other way. "
readily to mind. But the problem with that approach is that it takes,
well, courage.
"I have come to the conclusion that younger people can't face up to
ending difficult affairs. Many treat relationships in the same way as an
empty Coke can -- when it's finished, they want to throw it away," said
Dressler.
That, and they're a bunch of gutless cowards. What
happened to the good
old days of breaking up? The tearful pleadings? The
late night hang-up
phone calls? The obsessive stalking and restraining orders?
Nowadays it's separation agencies, relayed breakups through mutual
friends, or in the case of a woman my wife knows, receiving a text
message on her cell phone. (This particular self-absorbed coward sent a
text message to his girlfriend telling her that he was spending the
weekend at his fathers, and "by the way, I don't think this is going to
work out.")
I'm not saying people should stay in bad relationships, or to be with
someone they don't like. But this guy should man up and actually talk
with his girlfriend, not tap out a free text message on his camera
phone.
"Hey, u r dumped. Thx. L8r."
With services like Dressler's, I have to wonder, is he filling a
preexisting need? Are there people who are such wimps that they can't
break up with their partner without help? Or has the creation of his
service created also created the demand, like the iPod, the fax machine,
or the Chia Pet.
Some businesses have begun using the phrase "separated from
employment,"
as a euphemism for firing someone or laying off a
bunch of people. They
can't bring themselves to say "Bob was fired" or "we just
crushed the
livelihoods of hundreds of people so our CEO can get his stock bonus."
So they came up with a phrase to make themselves feel a little less
guilty.
How long will it be before these companies start outsourcing their
employment separation to people like Dressler?
"Hello, my name is Eugene Farnsworth from the Employment Separation
Agency, and I have been asked by your employer to inform you that he or
she wishes to end your employment. I need to collect their stapler and
their toothbrush."
Still, Dressler may be on to something. After all, he gets paid $65 just
to crush someone's heart on behalf of a coward, with only a minimal
effort on his part. Maybe this is something I should consider.
Mary Ann Shaw, please call me at your earliest convenience. I have a
message for you from your husband, Ron.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they may
be worth much more than 25 cents.
The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters
will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
phones, or any other coin operated devices.
The problem lies in the unique design of the
designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct
tape holding
the two dimes and the nickel together keepsjamming up the machines.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago
my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one
electric bill away from being Amish."
-Tom Ryan
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A young lady comes home from a date, rather sad. Her mother
asks, "What's the matter, honey"?
"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad"?
"Because he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
believe
there's a Hell!"
"Marry him anyway, dear. Between the two of us, we'll
show him how wrong he is!"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Three Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently
have eaten.
The first one says: I swallowed an Italian yesterday, but the guy had
eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.
The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed a Russian last
week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.
The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush
3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Spring is Sprung
by Sheila Moss
Spring is sprung, and with it that blight of suburbia known
as the dandelion has also sprung. Do not tell me that they
are merely wildflowers. Do not say, "If it's green, let it
grow." Do not tell me that dandelions are delicious when
prepared correctly or that they are medicinal herbs or that
I should enjoy them instead of cursing their existence.
Dandelions are weeds, vicious, sneaky weeds that masquerade
as innocent yellow wildflowers, but turn into crazed white-
headed demons over night. The slightest puff of wind turns
their fluffy white crown into a hundred seed parachutes and
sends the offspring on a mission to create more demons of the
same kind.
I've tried to ignore the spring greening of the lawn, and the
sprouting of the early crop of weeds. But this past weekend, I
finally had to face the inevitable and begin the first round
of that detested annual chore known as "weeding".
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/lawncare.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/lawncare.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and
Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these
superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select what-
ever composers they would portray, as long as they were very
famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I
would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would
improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis.
"I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds
splendid." Then,looking at
Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who
do you want to be,
So
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much "American Idol"
10. At confession, you say, "Forgive me, dawg, for I have
sinned".
9. Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house.
8. After sex you say to your wife in a British accent,
"Awful. Just pathetic".
7. FOX switchboard operator knows you by name.
6. When "Idol" comes on, so do the adult diapers.
5. Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even
overweight.
4. You understand what Paula Abdul is blabbing about.
3. No number 3 ? writer
watching "American Idol".
2. Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you
could stay home and vote for Sanjaya.
1. Your TiVo recommends you get some counseling.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Firefighters in
had a toilet seat stuck on his head. The boy, aged 2 1/2, and
his worried mother contacted emergency services after she was
unable to get the small seat off his head, reports the BBC.
Firefighter Chris Cox said: "We put some dish soap on his head
and ears and it slid off nice as pie.
"The boy was very brave and didn't make a fuss and once we had
got the seat off he toddled away as happy as can be." Mr Cox
added: "The boy had put his head through it and couldn't get it
out again, he came in here wearing it like a collar. "His
mum had
tried to get it over his head but couldn't budge it so she walked
him down here and asked us to have a look at it and we went to
work and we managed to get it off in no time."
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My friend Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the
procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant
relative. "Since we don't really know anybody, do you
want to head on home?" she asked.
When her sister nodded, Linda made a right turn.
She had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road
when she happened to look in her rear-view mirror. The
rest of the procession was still following us!
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
How to Prepare for Alien Invasion (Reuters)
When the aliens finally invade Earth, you may wish you
had listened to Travis Taylor and Bob Boan. After all,
they have written "An Introduction to Planetary Defense,"
a primer on how humanity can defend itself if little
green men wielding death rays show up at our cosmic
doorstep.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded
up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a
few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady
who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I
realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let
you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had
cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped
in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why did the former porn star get fired from his job as a
gas station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the
nozzle and spray gas allover the car.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"S.I.C.K."
Or
"Heave Ha"
Ladies, here's some good news. You will take over this planet someday.
There will come a time when you will rule every country in the world,
when you will command our most powerful armies and when every sack of
organs with a Y chromosome will bow to your every wish. You will rule
us.
How do I know that? That's easy. "jackass: number
two" was the number
one movie at the box office.
Women didn't drive this flick to the top of the box office cash
register. This was all the boys' fault. Anyone woman caught going to
this movie were either being dragged their by a boyfriend, a husband
or an MTV executive at gunpoint.
How do I know this? Well, I tend to be picky about my taste in movies
because I'm a firm believer in getting your money's worth and not
wasting it on something that wouldn't pass for art if Pablo Picasso
spit on it.
But I also believe in not judging a movie by its poster.
That's right, I was one of the monkeys who pushed it
to the top. I
love "jackass." It's male humor in it's most purest form: big man
hits
little man with something hard and heavy, little man falls down
screaming in pain and suffers from internal bleeding, everyone laughs.
It's humor for cavemen.
I went to see it with a couple of guys. Not one of the women
emotionally attached to us wanted to see it. My married friend's wife
refused to go with us before we could even finish asking the question.
My single friend's girlfriend didn't want to be seen in public with
us. My imaginary girlfriend refused to speak to me, just like always.
But I really wanted to go, not just because I wanted to watch grown
men attach leeches to their eyes or stick their arms in bear traps. I
wanted to go for the same reason I want to go any movie with another
living soul. I want to watch their reactions. It's fulfilling in a
weird, subconscious way. It feels good to know I'm spreading some
emotion around in this otherwise dull universe. When I take my brother
to see "Talladega Nights," I want to see him doubled over in so much
laughter, people think he's having a stroke. When I
take a date to see
a zombie movie, I want to see her writhing in agony as she watches a
grown, screaming man being turned into a pulled pork dish. When I take
my high school shop teacher to a snooty art house film, I want him to
look as confused as a blond in a quantum physics class, not only to
what he's watching but why he agreed to go to a movie with me in the
first place.
I knew what I was getting into when I got my ticket, but one of my
friends didn't. Mikey has the weakest constitution I've seen since the
Arizona Freeman tried to set up their own country on
the back of a
McDonald's napkin. Day old bread could make the man gag. He's the
weakest drinker in the group. The man couldn't hold his liquor if both
hands were duct taped to the glass.
About halfway through the flick, we hear what sounds like a very large
cat trying to bring up a Bocce sized hairball. It's Mikey. He
announces with a face whiter than David Duke's soul that he's no
longer looking at the movie. He's just going to stare at the floor. He
looks like he's going to die, and so do Aaron and I, except Mikey
looks like he's about to die from the plague. We look like we're about
to die laughing.
Cut to the parking lot after the movie. Mikey still looks just as sick
as he did in the theater except now he's showing just how sick he is
by vomiting in his car, and because Aaron and I are good friends of
this man who is so obviously suffering and writhing in pain and agony,
we decide to laugh even harder at his sorry ass. In fact, it was the
funniest moment in the entire movie and Mikey didn't get dime one for
appearing in it.
Here's the kicker: Mikey bought the tickets. He paid his hard earned
money to suffer for our amusement. It was the greatest present he
could ever give me. I'm going to have to let a spider lay her eggs in
my head for him next Christmas.
So there you have it ladies, proof that you will turn men into your
slaves one day. How about we meet and discuss the terms of our
indentured servitude? I'll pay for the movie.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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