ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I am lost and confused! Why is that crazy people have
to make a
real name for themselves just before they commit suicide? Witness
the shooting on Monday at Virginia Tech ... the guy loses it and decides
(allegedly) to kill his girlfriend .. then that is not
enough and he has to
take another thirty people along for the trip! That is nutzo! So I
have
just one thing to say (besides passing along my sympathy to all of
those people affected by this tragedy) ... IF you have the crazy idea
to go out with a bang ...go ahead ...don't let me stop you ...but when
it comes time to make your exit from Planet Earth ...do it alone ...don't
take anyone along for the ride. Sure you won't go down in history as
anything significant ...but you also won't affect the lives of countless
others who had no sharing in your pain. These incidents in our
education facilities are becoming all too common and it is time NOW
for everyone else to stand up and prevent these incidents. Watch
your fellow classmates and report suspicious activity...even if it means
having people investigated without cause by the authorities ...just think...
the life you save MAY be yours!
On a much brighter note ...did you all survive Friday the 13th last week?
I
didn't even realize it was happening until I was on the highway. Then
suddenly it hit me and I became very paranoid. Nothing happened ...but
I sure felt like it was going to...guess the idea of the date is more problem
than the date itself.
I am on a quest ...a vanity quest! I am trying to gain as many friends as
possible on MySpace. So if you have a MySpace site ...please add me
and who knows ...maybe we'll all be famous (in a good way) someday.
So check out my profile and add me:
<a href=" http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space ">My
Space</a>
http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Gina, Joanie, Sherri,
Tammy, Keli, JB, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What's an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls called?
Rick O'Shea.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
It's Not Road Rage, It's Moral Superiority
"Watch where you're going, you jerk!"
"Did you see that guy? He cut me off!"
"I did not blast the horn at him."
"I only lightly honked at him."
"Because he cut me off."
"I had to hold it down to make sure he heard me."
"Uh, it was a gentle reminder to watch out for other cars on the
road?"
"He does not have a gun."
"I don't know what I would have done."
"Well, we don't have to worry about that, do we?"
"I am not speeding up to catch him."
"No, I'm just making sure no one else tries to pass us unsafely."
"See, he's speeding away. He knows he was a jerk."
"JERK!"
"I do not have road rage."
"No, I don't."
"I have road annoyance."
"That's when I get annoyed at people because they're stupid when they
drive."
"Like this guy. Hey, Snailman! Try using the vertical pedal on the
right."
"I just wanted to get past him."
"Because he's going too slow."
"I am not speeding."
"I'm just trying to match the speed of the traffic."
"Well, everyone else is too slow. This is the speed they should be
going."
"So what if I'm going a few miles over the speed limit?"
"No I'm not. I'm only going -- okay, ten is more than a few."
"There, are you happy?"
"Nonsense. I haven't had a ticket in years."
"The last ticket I had?"
"It was a speeding ticket?"
"What? The last THREE tickets?"
"Hey, look at that old car. Man, I haven't seen one of those in
years."
"I'm not changing the subject."
"No, I'm just surprised they still make parts for those things."
"We had one when I was a kid. I didn't think there were any still
around."
"I just -- alright, alright, my last three tickets have been speeding
tickets."
"But they were spread out over several years."
"Who cares if two were in the same year?"
"I mean, besides the police."
"And besides the insurance company."
"Or the BMV."
"Okay, besides you too."
"Cop? Where?"
"Okay, I see him."
"No, I'm not going a little fast."
"If I was worried about my speed, I'd -- wow, that IS a little.
. . uh,
car. That's a little car up ahead."
"I mean, it's a little SUV."
"Well, it's pretty small for a Hummer."
"No, I'm not worried."
"I'm slowing down out of courtesy to show my fellow motorists there's a
radar trap up ahead."
"I'm doing the speed limit."
"Okay, maybe I was a little over. But just a little."
"Did he follow us?"
"Oh, #&@*! There he is."
"The kids can't hear us. They're watching a DVD with the headphones
on."
"What, Buddy?"
"I said shoe. Keep watching your movie."
"No, don't you say shoe. Just watch your movie, Bud."
"Are his headphones back on?"
"Oh sh-- jeez, he's coming up behind us."
"Uh, maybe he wants to thanks me for being such a safe and conscientious
driver?"
"As a matter of fact, I do believe most of the stuff I say."
"Alright, alright, I was going a little faster than I should."
"Ha, ha, very funny. We were nowhere near the speed of sound."
"(Because I can still hear you.)"
"Huh? I didn't say anything."
"Whew, there he goes. Guess we're alright."
"No, I'm not worried, because I'm not speeding at all. See? Five miles
under."
"Yeah, when my heart slows down a bit, I'll get back up to a normal
speed."
"No, that's not speeding."
"You're the one who's worried about being late."
"Well, I can either get there on time or drive slowly."
"Then why didn't you drive?"
"I did not insist on driving."
"Racing to get my keys and jumping into the car before you is not
insisting."
"Because I like driving this car."
"Nothing's wrong with my car. I just like a change now and then."
"Because I can take turns way faster in this car."
"I'm kidding!"
"There's the cop. He pulled someone over."
"Hey look, he got that jerk who cut me off
earlier."
"HA! JERK!"
"Told you that guy was unsafe. Good thing I'm such a safe
driver."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Words Women Use:
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half
an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking, "What's wrong?", for the woman's
response refer
to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women
you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the
reason we are doing it."
-Richard Feynman
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
enter
one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is
done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only
ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY.
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father
sees his son drilling a hole in the boat!
When he asks the boy what he's doing, the son replies, "There's
a lot of water coming into the boat from the waves splashing
against the sides of the boat. So I'm making a
hole for it
to escape."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Springbreak
by Sheila Moss
Dear Department of Tourism:
I would like to tell you how much I enjoyed my recent trip to
Will Rogers Writers' Workshop. The Hotel and Convention Center
were really big. The next time I come, I will bring some of
those tennis shoes with wheels like the kids wear.
People couldn't understand why I was visiting
"There's nothing to see there," they said. " I
know," I replied.
I had never been to
a state to drive through on the way to somewhere else.
I saw lot of oil wells on the way there, which probably explains
where people get the money to spend at all those Indian reservation
casinos. I would like to explain that the time we left I-40 and
stopped at the Indian museum for directions was because we were
looking for a gas station, not a casino.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/workshop.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/workshop.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year
to his summer home in the backwoods of
he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.
The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly
agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time,
getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they
were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for
the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed
his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the
lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from
his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried
the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful
aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he
was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the male?"
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students,
and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught
a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
was safe. It seems the coyote was hankering for another kind of
fast food. Employees and customers at a downtown
sandwich shop were stunned to see a coyote walk through the
propped-open front door Tuesday afternoon and lie down in a
cooler stocked with fruit juice and soda. "It wasn't aggressive
at all," restaurant manager Bina Patel told the Chicago Tribune.
"It was just looking around."
Employees and customers calmly cleared out of the restaurant,
though some took the time to finish their sandwiches and snap
some cell-phone photos, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. Animal
control officers took the passive coyote away after about 40
minutes, after a curious crowd had gathered outside. "This one
definitely I will definitely remember forever. A coyote in
downtown
The city captures 10 to 15 coyotes every year, especially in
the spring when they are most active, said Anne Kent, director
of Chicago Animal Care and Control. Veterinarians will examine
the coyote and, if he is not injured, release him into the wild.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
"Why do you look so glum today?", the
teacher asked young Johnny.
"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny
mumbled.
"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our
geography
lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"
"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
A law protecting library records' confidentiality has hamstrung
officials pursuing a man who reportedly masturbated among the
books at the Neenah Public Library.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's pre-
diction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you
everybody."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll
ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian club."
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Bad Girls"
OR
"Thank Hell for Little Girls"
Lots of people ruin movies. Some do it without realizing it. Others do
it because they have nothing better to do. Everyone in Hollyweird does
it because that's how they make a living.
They come from all creeds, all nations, all races, all
walks of life.
Some of them talk to each other during the movie. Some of them answer
their cell phones. Some of them even talk to the screen. Just once I
want someone to make a horror movie where an innocent girl is slowly
tip-toeing towards a door that everyone knows is where the killer is
waiting to turn her into a cheerleader shish kebob. Just at the split
second where she's about to open it and some dope from the aisle yells
"Don't go there girl!" and laughs like so loud you can hear the rolls
of his fat jiggling with his giggling, the doughy eyed-teenage girl
looks at the screen, says "Oh thanks, you saved my life," walks off
screen and the credits roll. Not only would it be the ultimate
surprise, but it would give the dope a massive heart attack and a
valuable lesson.
But hands down, the worst people ever to set foot in a movie theater
are teenage girls. They do every rude thing you can do in a movie
theater, and they even manage to think up new ways to ruin the movie
short of setting off a dirty bomb in the center aisle, which I wish I
didn't just say because I probably gave them another way.
I first noticed this back in college when I worked as a freelance
movie critic. This meant I had to go to a lot of bad movies by myself,
which is the second most pathetic thing a man can do next to
organizing an online high school prom in the World of Warcraft instead
of going to your actual prom.
Sure enough, during a screening of the craptacular "Mickey Blue Eyes,"
a group of them start gaggling away like they were "The View-Babies."
Then they started messing with the people in the theater until they
worked their way over to me. After the third gummy bear struck me in
the head, I stood up, suppressed my anger, took a deep breath and told
them in a very calm, collected and measured tone to "BLANK off." One
of them probably came from a band of gypsies and put a curse on me
because the groups have been popping up every movie theater I've ever
been to since.
Teenage girls are the piranhas of the movie going public. One or two
together can't do much harm, but a whole group of them are downright
deadly. They talk to each other during the movie and 99 times out of
100, it's not even about the movie. That's an accurate
statistic by
the way because that's exactly the number of times it's happened.
If you grab a seat in a theater and a group of them sit anywhere near
your vicinity, do one of two things: (1) politely get
up and move to
another seat or (2) don't let them smell your fear. It's quite a
potent pheromone.
They whisper to each other and giggle and the whispering is usually
louder than the movie they are watching. They could be
watching a
NASA shuttle launch and the astronauts sitting in the cockpit would be
asking them to stop whispering about why the lemon Mike 'n Ikes are
the tastiest.
Now parents, don't go all Don Imus on me and start
calling Rev. Al
Sharpton to get me fired. Not all teenage girls are rude, uncaring or
uppity. They all don't conduct gab fests about boys and candy and
which is the cutest "New Kid on the Block" so loud they can be heard
from space. All you parents can rest assure that this isn't a general
stereotype about all teenage girls - just yours.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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