ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I am trying to build up my friend's list on MySpace ...so if you
have MySpace and want to get on The Pooh-Bah's list ...then
check out my page at:
<a href=" http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
">MySpace</a>
http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
Here is a fun thing to do .. Go to Google Maps (http://maps.google.com) and
enter a search from any
to a European city (
the directions and then look on the list. Go down until you reach
the part about crossing the
sense of humour! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Rubin, Kramer, Gina,
Joanie, JB, Carole, Tammy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not
be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You've Got a Thing Hanging. . .
Erik is feeling a little under the weather this week, so we are
reprinting a column from 2005. He should be back, raring to go, next
week with an all new column.
Quick, check the mirror. You've got something in your teeth.
How many people would tell you that? Not many. You could be eating lunch
with a friend and you've got a huge chunk of your lunch stuck between
your front teeth, and your friend just stares at you. You think you're
wildly interesting, because she's making great eye contact and hangs on
your every word. But in reality, you're going to spend the rest of the
day with a huge piece of spinach stuck to your front tooth, making you
look like Mike Tyson's prom date.
And your friend will never tell you.
Some people say that you can tell who your true friends are, because
they'll tell you if you've got a booger hanging from your nose; they
want to save you from complete embarrassment later on.
But most people I know say they never point out dangling boogers or
tooth spinach because they don't want to embarrass the other person.
That's understandable. You wouldn't want to have your carefully crafted
persona shattered by being told you have a barbecued rib dangling from
the corner of your mouth.
On the other hand, these so-called friends never think about the fact
that you won't discover your faux pas until three hours later when you
finally stand in front of a mirror.
Now how embarrassed are you? Not only did you sit through lunch with
your friend, but you had a department meeting, and gave a presentation
to your boss,with that booger stalactite hanging from
your nostril.
Let's face it, we're not really trying to spare the
other person's
feelings. We're just embarrassed ourselves. We don't want to be the one
to point at the other person, say "Err. . .
you've got a. . ." and then
wipe our hand under our nose.
We feel absolutely no compunction about laughing about it with friends
later: "I mean, it was just HANGING there ,
flapping in and out with
every breath!" But we just can't bring ourselves to say, "Dude,
you've
got a boogie. Wipe your nose."
We need to get over ourselves. Life is not always about you (it's about
me, actually), so we shouldn't worry about the shame of saying "You've
got a. . . uhh. . ." We're actually doing the
other person a favor --
the same favor we would want them to do for us.
It's the Golden Nugget Rule: Point out others' boogers as you would have
them point out boogers stuck unto you.
Ultimately, the kind of person you are comes down to that one simple
question: are you a forthright straight shooter who tells people what
they need to hear? Or are you a shy, timid wallflower who would rather
be swarmed over by fire ants then tell your best friend of 25 years,
"Your barn door is open." (Okay, that's two questions.)
I hope you're the former, and that you'll spare a friend total public
humiliation and remind her to check her teeth before she leaves the
restaurant.
But it's a whole different ball game when it comes to smells and odors.
Even communication and relationship experts agree that telling someone
they smell is the most awkward, uncomfortable thing we could ever do.
It's less awkward to tell your wife you're having an affair with her
best friend as the two of you walk out the door for a romantic weekend.
Our smells are one of the most basic things about us -- they're our very
essence. The way our prehistoric ancestors used to identify
each other
back in the 1940s. Even in some cultures today, a person's odor is
considered part of who they are -- as distinctive as their face and
their personality. To experience a person's odor is to experience the
person.
Because odors are so primal, people never want to point out that someone
else is emitting an unpleasant one. In most cases, it's considered a
grave insult. The only exception is when a group of Guys get together
and someone shouts the inevitable, "Dude, that was gross! What died
inside you?!" immediately after one of them breaks wind. Then, not
only
are odors pointed out, they're usually celebrated.
So, don't be a fair weather friend. Look out for your friend, co-worker,
or new acquaintance and help them save face in what could be an awkward
social situation. Stand up, point dramatically at the other person, and
declare proudly at the top of your lungs: "I am your friend, and you've
got a large booger hanging from your nose!"
They'll thank you for it. And wipe it on your pants when you're not
looking.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
To raise funds for repairs to our church, we collect
bottles
and cans for refunds. On one of his trips to return an
unusually large number of cans, my friend Ed was asked at
the store why he had so many. He explained, adding that the
money went to the organ-repair fund.
In a disapproving tone, the clerk said, "If the people in your
church didn't drink so much beer, they'd have enough money to
fix the organ!"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
In the beginning the world was without form, and void.
And
God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from
the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
-Kevin Krisciunas
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from
the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat up his
sweater.
She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear
the mailman tell Mommy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!'"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get
gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to
her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl
from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you
needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on
your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll
be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word
'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be
able to introduce you to after dinner."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Easter Surprises
Lisa Barker
I can't believe that Easter is here already! How fast it has
arrived! I'll tell you how fast. There's not an egg in the
house and the kids are all expecting to paint eggs tomorrow.
"Mom, this is an apple."
"And it's a GOOD apple, let me tell you. Here just peel it. The
food dye will stick to it better that way."
"I don't want to paint an apple!"
Meanwhile, the four-year-old is happily munching her blue Easter
Apple.
"Ew, Mommmm! Becca's lips and tongue are all blue."
More?...
<a href=" http://www.jellymom.com/Holidays/EasterSurprises.php
">Lisa Barker</a>
http://www.jellymom.com/Holidays/EasterSurprises.php
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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">eBook</a>
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My friend attends the School for the Deaf. They were having their Semi-
annual Super Bowl Party. To mark the occasion the school purchased one
of those new HDTVs, a 99" one. My friend invited me to come and watch
the Super Bowl with him on the school's new TV. I went and I watched
and I complained because I couldn't hear the game. I thought somebody
forgot to turn the sound on because they were all deaf. That wasn't the
reason... the TV was the problem... it was a High Deaf TV!
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that
the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not
management!
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A German hunter hit a washing machine, electric drier and the
wall before finally killing a wild pig that was on the rampage
in a house. The pig had run into the communal wash room of a
house in Ketzerbachtal in
and clothing. Attempts to drive it out of the house failed and
hunter Walter Kopinger, 57 was called to kill the animal. Because
of the confined space he used a Magnum 357 rather than his rifle
but still only managed to hit the animal after several shots.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years,
sitting at his bedside.
"Is that you, Ethel, at my side again"? he
whispered.
"Yes, dear," she answered.
He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the
Veteran's hospital? You were with me then. You were with me
when we lost everything in that fire and Ethel, when we were
poor, you stuck with me then too."
The man sighed and said, "I tell you, Ethel, you are bad luck!"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Moose, Reindeer to Take Taste Tests (Associated Press)
Moose and reindeer at a Stockholm wildlife park have been
invited to an unusual taste panel that will help decide which
type of salt should be used to de-ice the country's roads in
wintertime.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic -- yeah I know its old ...but still very funny!]
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newf were sitting in a bar in
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
exceptional.
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy
the 5th drink for you."
Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman
will
buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newf. "Back home in Sin Jahn's
there's
the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Newfie's
claims but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman,
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Newf. "But it
did happen to
me sister a few times."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why were all the milk cows mad at the farmer?
He had no consideration for the feelings of udders.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Bye Bye Love"
OR
"The Lost Picture Show"
People who spend their lives inserting insipid clich鳠in their
conversations and Hollyweird screenwriters have said people don't know
what love is until they lose it.
Well, define lose.
Are we talking about a "walks out on your sorry ass with your car
keys, your AC/DC T-shirt and your Jack Daniels sports bottle while
you're working a double shift at Jack in the Box" loss?
Are we talking about a "leaves you a Dear John letter that tacked to
the wall with a rusty fishing knife and written in the blood of your
pet dog Scruffy" loss?
Are we talking about an "answers the question 'Do you take this man to
be your lawfully wedding husband?' with a saucy 'Bitch you must be
tripping" loss?
No offense, but you don't know the loss of a loved one. I'm talking a
"torn limb from limb before being smashed into oblivion by a large
wrecking ball" loss.
In case you haven't figured it out, trying reading more.
I'm talking about my all time favorite movie theater. It was the
screens in the dingiest buildings your eyes ever had the misfortune of
looking at. The thing looked like it was held together with old gum
and hope.
The lobby looked exactly like the lobby of a KOA Kampground. Tall
plants sat in corners. The box office was just a counter. It even had
that cheap wood paneling on the walls and the concession stand counter
had 1950's retro kitchen countertop tiling that looked like it was
designed by someone with celebral palsey and a Spirograph.
You went from this tiny lobby into a massive theater that to a kid
seemed like the Roman colosseum except with more empty popcorn boxes
on the floor and some kind of white gooey substance that you prayed to
God was an old Sno Cap.
The seats looked like they were designed by an evil chiropractor. If
you were lucky enough to get a seat that folded down the whole way,
you had to watch the movie sitting at a 90 degree angle on old seats
with chunks of cushion ripped out of them because of that crummy
yellow foam that you prayed with always that color.
And there were no cupholders on the end of the arm rests. You held the
drink with your hand or you put it in your lap causing a massive
amount of shrinkage for the guys and an amazing amount of
embarrassment for the girls. Either way, you were scarred for the rest
of your juvenile life.
And they had absolutely no leg room. If someone had to go to the
bathroom and cross in front of you, you had to literally stand up
straight, which would cause every row behind you to berate you until
you sat down. If you wanted to put one leg over the other while you
watched the film, you either had to find a way to unhook the base of
your spine or put your head in your lap, which explained why so many
guys went their on first dates.
In other words, it was perfect. Damn I need a woman.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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