ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Happy Easter to everyone ... hopefully the Easter Bunny is
nice to you and that you remember to take some special
time with your family this weekend. We are lucky to have
Friday off work and also Easter Monday ... so while we
still have to work Saturday it is a nice break to have two
days off so close together.
Spring had (note the HAD) sprung ...last week we had
temperatures around 15C ... and now the HIGH is about
-5C ... kind of a shock to the system. But that is spring
in
So while our weather may be cold and miserable ...I have
heard from people who already have their air conditioners
running and tulips blooming in the garden ... so enjoy what
you have ... and remember ... there is always someone
who has it better than you! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di, Joanie, Tammy,
Carole,
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery
room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How
long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
The Art of the Toast
I'm one of those weirdos who enjoys public speaking.
I've given
countless speeches and presentations over the years, and am just as
comfortable speaking to a room full of people as I am to one person. I
even come from a lo-o-o-ong line of orators (Okay,
it's really just my
dad, the psychology professor, but he's been teaching for a lo-o-o-ong
time, so I figure that counts.)
Public speaking is one of those important skills that I think everyone
needs to know how to do to some degree. So is changing a flat tire,
whistling, and skipping stones. Even if you're only giving a toast at a
wedding, you should be able to say something without stammering and
uhhh-ing your way through the thing.
Case in point: I knew a man, Max, who was a big proponent of public
speaking, and a strong supporter of his local Toastmaster's Club. He was
also a believer of the "everyone should know how to speak in public"
school of thought. He told me a story from when he attended the wedding
of a friend's daughter, where the best man was expected to give the
first toast of the evening.
A best man's toast is typically expected to be a well-thought, rehearsed
affair that sings the praises of the groom and his new bride, followed
by lofty wishes for love, joy, and health.
This particular "best" man, who could only be described as a
mouth-breathing oaf, took the opposite tack and tried to be as
unprepared as possible.
"Uhh." He rose to
his feet and held up his glass. "Well, uhhh. . . I
hope you guys have lots of sex on your honeymoon."
As an uncomfortable pall descended on the guests, and they halfheartedly
clinked their glasses, a guy leaned over to Max and
whispered, "And they
say the art of rhetoric is dead."
Max told me this story to illustrate the importance of knowing how to
speak in public.
"I think it shows the importance of thinking before you speak," I
said.
"If you're the father of the bride, and you've paid $12,000 or more to
give your daughter away to some schmuck, the last thing you want is to
be reminded of what said schmuck is planning to do several hours later."
Max agreed that this was a good point.
"But I can top that," I said. And I told him the story of my own
ill-fated attempts at a wedding toast. A story that, to this very day,
still makes me so uncomfortable, I squirm like a snake with Restless
Legs Syndrome whenever I think of it.
My wife had just left for a trip, so I went to the wedding of two good
friends by myself. We had been in school with the bride, who met her new
husband soon after we all finished school. We watched them grow together
as a couple, and celebrated when they announced their engagement.
In fact, he proposed after they had visited us one weekend. I had sort
of good-naturedly hassled the guy about making an
honest woman of our
friend, so we were pleasantly surprised when he proposed to her on their
way home that Sunday.
As a result, my wife and I jokingly took credit for their happy day, and
when it was my turn for the guests' toasts at the reception, I told the
story. I even remember how I ended my tale.
"Because I'm sure the marriage will be a happy one, I'm taking credit
for being the impetus of the proposal," I said, my voice booming through
the PA system, and filling the ears of 200 of the couple's closest
friends and family.
I continued. "But if things don't work out, I had nothing to do with
it."
(At that precise moment, I became intimately acquainted with the term
"flop sweat.")
That's right, I actually speculated -- out loud, no less -- about the
possibility of the divorce of the happy couple who had been married for
less than three hours.
This was before I ever made my personal commitment to think first and
speak later, so it took a few seconds for my brain to catch up with my
mouth. When it finally did, my brain was shouting, "Sit
down, stupid!
Sit down and shut up!"
I managed to croak out a "so, uhh, good luck to
you both" before
returning to my seat. The blood rushing to my head and the roaring in my
ears kept me from noticing the angry glares and whispered comments that
must have followed me to my seat. I left 15 minutes later.
After that, I spent several years practicing my public speaking with
organizations like Toastmasters, giving speeches to different groups,
and mentally writing imaginary toasts in my head from time to time. And
I'm fully prepared to deliver an appropriate toast at the next wedding I
attend.
If I could just get anyone to invite me.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A good friend of mine recently got back from a trip to
flocking because they believe the place has mystical and
healing powers.
Anyway, my buddy said he was walking down the street when he
came across an American Indian in full regalia with a long
feather headress raising his right hand and saying
"some" to
all the women walking by.
My buddy went up to him and said, "Don't you mean 'how'"?
The Indian looked at him and said, "Me know how. Me
want some."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing
the #2 button."
-Paul Alexander
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, that
the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS NUTS
10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at
Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
8. Can't stop washing his paws.
7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl
space.
3.. Won't come out of his compound in
2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Home Town
by Sheila Moss
I usually say that I'm from Nashville, home of the Titans,
country music, Al Gore, and big hair. There's a lot to write
about when you're from
a small suburban community called
material can be pretty thin.
The first problem is that no one can pronounce it. People
always stumble over the name when reading it.
"Smear-na?" They
ask.
"No, S-M-Y-R-N-A, Smur-na."
"It's a town in the Bible," I
explain, hoping they have heard of the Bible.
"Oh, I thought it was in
I give up.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/smyrna.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/smyrna.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
In original native culture of
age of 18 they participate in a ceremony as follows:
They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful
naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind
each male is a beautiful naked girl. As
soon as all the males
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between their legs, pull their erect penises downward and then
release them. Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP!"
against
their bellies. This is considered a measurement of strength of
masculinity.
And that's why the capital of
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Isn't the English language fun! ;)
If GH can stand for P as
in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as
in Dough
If PHTH can stand for T as
in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as
in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as
in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as
in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Keith Richards has confessed to snorting a line of his father's
ashes. The Rolling Stone, 63, says he mixed his father Bert's
remains with cocaine. He told the NME: "The strangest thing
I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father.
He was
cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little
bit of blow." Richards insisted he did not regret the stunt
and claimed Bert, who died at 84, would not have minded.
The star shrugged: "My dad wouldn't have cared. He didn't
give a shit. It went down pretty well and I'm still alive."
They once had a strained relationship and did not speak for
nearly two decades after Keith left home in
in the 60s. But they eventually reconciled and the retired
factory worker helped raise his grandchild Angela, now 34,
so Richards could tour with the Rolling Stones.
In his final years he lived with his son in the
most famous hell-raisers and freely admits to a lifetime of
substance abuse. He was caught with 22g of heroin in a
hotel in 1977 and narrowly escaped jail. Richards, who had a
brain op last year after falling out of a tree, insisted he had
turned his back on the drug, but would not rule out taking
others.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl
said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank
martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Woman on Horseback Charged with DUI (Associated Press)
A woman who went for a horseback ride through town at midnight
and allegedly used the horse to ram a police car was charged
with driving under the influence and drug offenses.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
YOU MIGHT BE IN A "REDNECK" VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT IF....
Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled
over for drag racing ... on the way to a fire.
Your firehouse has wheels.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire,
swapping fish stories and drinking.
You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't
let you hunt on their property.
You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named
Sparky.
You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at
least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire
truck.
Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.
Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than
it's been
*to* a fire.
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A man wakes up in hospital and shouts, "Nurse. I can't feel my legs."
The nurse replies, "Yes, I'm sorry sir, we had to amputate your arms."
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"The Fan"
OR
"Putting the Fan in Fanatic"
Being a movie fan is quite a daily struggle. I mean other than trying
to juggle our love of imitation popcorn butter and pants that fit.
There are two kinds of movie fans: the fans and the fanatics. The fans
have very strong opinions about the kinds of movies they like and the
movies they wouldn't screen to detainees at
they go about their day.
The fanatics only have one favorite movie but they let it rule their
entire life. Their basement apartments are covered wall to wall with
movie posters and memorabilia from it. They dress like characters from
the movie and even talk like them. They base their entire philosophy
of life around it and believe anyone who doesn't embrace it should be
converted to their side. That's why, despite the availability of the
technology and the advancements in modern science, we don't have guns
that shoot lasers because Trekkies would buy them by
the truck load
and force the country to join their faith. They are Al-Qaeda with
asthma inhalers.
The struggle of the fan is to keep from becoming a fanatic. They will
be watching movies one day, enjoying something they think is
insightful and entertaining and then the right movie comes along and
the next thing they know, they are getting into bottle fights over
which one of the "Warriors" most closely parallels the story of Jesus
Christ.
The challenge is keeping your brain grounded in reality. Movies are a
great form of escape. They can take you out of your crummy world and
into to fantastic places, open your mind to new ideas and help you
explore thoughts and feelings you've never had before without having
to drop acid and feel the business end of a mall cop's stun gun.
But the escape should have its own escape and for fanatics, there is
no escape. That's why their is Fanatics Anonymous, a support group
that turns single movie obsessed, simple minded film freak into a well
rounded, open minded film freak. They, like all support groups, follow
a 12 step support program that anyone can follow so long as they are
willing to listen, learn and love from something other than their
"Star Wars" box set autographed by Ewok #27
from "Return of the Jedi."
Step 1 They must admit they are powerless over their
obsession and
that their lives have become unmanageable. (They are no longer allowed
to teach Catholic Sunday school because they taught the children that
the
from the dead.)
Step 2 They must come to believe that a higher power
can restore
them to sanity. (George Lucas doesn't count because he's the one that
took away your sanity.)
Step 3 They must decide to turn their will and lives
over to the
care of their higher power. (That's also how George Lucas made his
money.)
Step 4 They must make a search and fearless moral
inventory of
themselves. ("Was it a good idea to wear my homemade 'Conan the
Barbarian' costume to my grandmother's funeral?")
Step 5 They must admit to their god, to ourselves, and
to another
human being the exact nature of our wrongs. ("That's a big no.")
Step 6 They must be entirely ready to have their
higher power remove
these defects of character. (Burning their entire DVD collection on
their front lawn will do just fine.)
Step 7 They must humbly ask their god to remove all of
their
shortcomings. (This one usually takes three months on average.)
Step 8 They must make a list of all the persons they've harmed and
be willing to make amends to them all. ("I'm sorry I said I hoped your
first born son loses a toe because you said 'Empire' was better than
'Return of the Jedi.'")
Step 9 They must make direct amends to such people
wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. ("Phew, I
can keep my toe.")
Step 10 They must continue to take personal inventory
and when they
are wrong promptly admit it. ("I still wear the Conan costume
underneath my work clothes. Boy doe it chafe.")
Step 11 They should seek through prayer and meditation
to improve
their conscious contact with their god praying only for knowledge of
his will for us and the power to carry that out. (Say one more prayer
to George Lucas and I'll make that light saber disappear in a black
hole permanently.)
Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps,
they should carry this message to other fanatics and practice these
principles in all our affairs. ("We're cured! Drinks are on me.")
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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