ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Did you miss me last week? I forgot to let you know that I
was going to be away and therefore would not be publishing ...
but as they say "Shit happens!" ...so I guess we all have to
learn to live with it! ;)
Gotta make my opening short today ...so that I can get some
work done ...so until next week ...enjoy the issue and hopefully
we will be all back here again next week.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Tammy, Joanie,
Carole, JB, Gordie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to
see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
The Thrill of History, the Agony of Math
Narrator: It's a test of desire and learning, grit and knowledge, as
each participant lives his or her lifelong dream. Each one has endured
countless hours of grueling pain to reach this point. But for all their
dreams and efforts, only one will be crowned champion. Only one can win
the coveted gold medal at the 14th Annual Eastern Iowa Academic
Olympics!
Jim: I'm Jim Lehrer of PBS' "Newshour with Jim Lehrer." It's a
beautiful
sunny day here at Stephen Hawking stadium in
get ready for the Academic Olympics. It's been a long journey for these
academic athletes, who have studied, trained, and prepared for their
moment in the spotlight, and their chance at Academic Olympic gold. I'm
joined by my colleague and fellow sportscaster, Gwen Ifill of
"Washington Week in Review," and Terrell Owens, wide receiver for the
Dallas Cowboys. How are you, Terrell?
Terrell: Great. Uh, did you say Academic Olympics?
Jim: Yes, I did. Gwen, how are you?
Gwen: Superb, Jim. You know, these athletes are true champions in every
sense of the word. Their love of competition is admirable, their quest
for knowledge, epic. Although only one can lay claim to
smartest high school student, they're all winners in my book.
Terrell: Stupid Drew Rosenhaus. He told me I was doing commentary on the
Olympics.
Jim: It looks like they're getting ready to start the first event, the
100 meter Pi Recitation Dash.
Terrell: Did somebody say pie? What kind?
Gwen: In this competition, each athlete -- or should I say
"mathlete?"
Jim (laughs): Gwen, you're hysterical.
Gwen (snorts with laughter): Thank you. As I was saying, each athlete
must recite as many decimal places of pi as possible in 9.8 seconds.
Jim: They're under starter's orders.
Starter: Athletes, take your mark. . . get set. . .
Jake: 3.14159--
Starter: FAULT!
Jim: Ooh, that's too bad. Jake Mayer of Ottumwa North High has started
too early, and has been given his first fault. One more, and he'll be
disqualified.
Gwen: Jake is talking with his coach, Frank Fahy. What do you think
they're talking about Terrell?
Terrell: Where's the pie?
Jim: You're probably right. Coach Fahy is reminding Jake to stay focused
on the event, and keep his mind on nothing but reciting pi. While we're
waiting for the race to resume, let's go over to the History Hurdles and
our good friend, Charlie Rose.
Charlie: Thanks Jim. We're getting ready to start the 100 meter History
Hurdles, and event favorite Lindsey Settles of Waterloo High School is
in lane five. She's favored to win three gold medals at these games, and
this is her signature event. Competitors are at the starting line. . .
there's the gun! The athletes are racing down the track, approaching the
first hurdle.
Lindsey: Napoleon Bonaparte!
Charlie: And Lindsey clears it easily with her answer of French Emperor
Napoleon Bonaparte. She's approaching the second hurdle, and. . .
Lindsey: The Hoot-Smawley tar-- OW!
Charlie: Ooh! Lindsey goes down! She is out of the race! I repeat,
Lindsey Settles is out of the race. Donetta Greene of Grover
Preparatory goes on to easily win with her answer, the Truman Doctrine.
and a time of 10.14 seconds. You can't imagine the agony and heartbreak
Lindsey must be experiencing. Back to you, Jim, and the 100 meter Pi
Dash.
Terrell: Where's that freakin' pie?!
Gwen: I'm know what you mean, Terrell, I'm excited too. While we're
waiting, let's head over to the Calculus Pole Vault with Terry Gross of
NPR's "Fresh Air."
Terry: Thanks, Gwen. As Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever and a
place to stand, and I can move the world." In the spirit of Archimedes,
these athletes require a high-tech fiberglass pole, and a solid
understanding of upper-level high school mathematics to clear these
dizzying heights. We're getting ready to watch the final jump of our
leader, Carl Somersby of Indianola Central High, who will attempt a jump
of 'f(x) dx = F(b) - F(a)' feet.
The judge gives the order. Carl begins his approach, solves for X,
plants the pole. . . and he's over! Carl Somersby has won the gold medal
for the Calculus Pole Vault! Jim and Gwen, it's pandemonium down here as
Carl's team, the Indianola Fighting Protractors, mob Carl to
congratulate him on his record breaking performance.
Gwen: Exciting stuff, Terry. We'll come back to you for the gold medal
ceremony and the playing of the Olympic anthem, "Mathematika et Lux."
Terrell, do you have any thoughts?
Terrell: You guys were lying about the pie, weren't you?
Jim: I'm afraid so.
Terrell: You cheap sons of --
Gwen: Let's take a break to hear from our sponsors. And when we come
back, we'll see the conclusion of the 100 meter Pi Dash.
Terrell: There is no pie!!
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid!
Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he is the new doctor. He just
likes to call the shots around here."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach hundreds
of men to steal fish and give you a percentage... WHOA! You
could pretty much retire!
-Claire Voltaire
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a
local court, but the custody of their children posed
a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the
judge that since she had brought the children into this
world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the
judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his
chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a
vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi
belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won.
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet
seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may
not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is
hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian
who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked
weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .. his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking
Soup," in honor of one of the nation's most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a
weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line
to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built
in
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
The
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."
President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Running Without Rhythm
by Sheila Moss
Ever since daylight savings time started, my 24-hour biological
clock has acted as if the main spring is broken. I just can't
seem to wake up --- except at night, when I want to sleep, then
I am wide-eyed and restless. If they don't quit messing with
the time, my life is going to meltdown.
Just when it was beginning to be daylight during the morning
commute to work, it is now dark again and we have to start all
over. I know we are supposed to be saving energy, but it sure
doesn't feel to me as if I'm saving any energy, at least not
the kind I need.
This year I am reading about not only how much electricity we
are saving, but also about how we are saving on the burning of
fossil fuel, and, thereby, preventing global warming. It's nice
to know that my insomnia is contributing to the welfare of
mankind.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/running.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/running.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when
all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his
tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically.
Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two
frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs
enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would
cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible
for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure
came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was
so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the
third frog. The second frog explained:
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader,
Arrived in a large city to deliver a series
Of speeches.
At a banquet the first evening, he noticed
Some reporters in the audience. Because he
Wanted to use some of the stories he told
That night in his speeches the next day, he
Asked the reporters to omit them from their
Articles.
One article that came out the next day,
Written by a cub reporter, concluded with
This line: "Reverend Smith also told a number
Of stories that cannot be printed."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A mouse munched its way through thousands of dollars of cash after
climbing inside a cash machine in
the machine after a customer withdrew some money and got partly-
eaten banknotes outside the bank in the capital
security experts are investigating how the mouse managed to get
into the machine. Kristina Tamberg, spokeswoman for Hansapank
Bank, said: "We have never heard of anything even remotely like
this happening before. "At some stage over the weekend the
chewed money jammed, and the mouse seems to have spent the rest
of the weekend turning the notes into bedding. "It probably was
attracted by the warmth from the machine and decided to make
itself at home."
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
REJECTED MOTEL SIX SLOGANS
16) We're working on that smell thing, too.
15) Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14) As seen on "COPS".
13) If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed
the sheets.
12) Not just for nooners anymore.
11) We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10) You rented the room, now buy the video.
9) Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't
have money left over for a hooker.
8) We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7) Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary
there on *your* salary, pal!
6) We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.
5) It's Hookerriffic!
4) Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3) Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet
art since 1962!
2) Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1) We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Dog Tore Off Her Baby's Genitals, Mom Says (Associated Press)
A woman with a history of drug abuse says she woke up from a nap to
find her miniature dachshund had torn off her baby boy's genitals.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas . In my favorite case,
a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
England .
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs". Several years ago a
Woman
was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
the
woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and
now
she's running for President.
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car
for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left"
so they turned around and went home.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Grandma's Boy"
OR
"Kids Fight the Darndest Things"
Movies, any movie, will make kids behave like wild maniacs on fire.
It's a proven fact just like evolution, the Bernoulli effect and the
high suckitude of Paul W.S. Anderson's movies.
Put on a movie and kids will start imitating what they see. Put on
the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" movie and they'll start dropping
kicks and piledrivers along with their developmental IQ. Take them to
the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" flick and they'll use their
momma's broom as a bo until they poke themselves in the cornea with
it. Let them watch "Showgirls" and not only will they imitate what
they see, but they'll also become wards of the state.
They can't help it. They're kids. Their underdeveloped brains haven't
given them the shame and humiliation of fighting invisible ninjas in
public yet. Alcohol will do that for them.
That's why Grandma's house is the perfect place to let little kids
watch movies. Parents don't have the patience to get their kids to
calm down, especially really young kids. So they yell and scream and
holler and cough out their vocal chords to get them calm down. My
parents used to summon demons from the seventh lair of Hell to get me
to stop, the only fringe benefit of being a Catholic.
Grandparents have enough wisdom and life experience to let them jump
around like retarded monkeys on crack because they know life's too
short not to let someone enjoy themselves, even if they didn't have
the energy or the bone density to keep up with them as they
"high-ya!"
every breakable thing in the house from the antique vase brought to
America by their ancestors to their hip.
For my brother and I, Grandma Gallagher let us watch John Wayne
movies, specifically the 1960 western "North to Alaska" with Ernie
Kovacs and Capucine. It was the perfect movie for two pre-adolescent
boys because it had everything that we thought made a movie great:
fist fights, a hot lead who uttered every line of dialogue with a sexy
foreign accent and more fist fights.
John Wayne plays Sam McCord, a gold miner in Alaska who strikes it
rich with his partner, George Pratt played by Stewart Granger. George
has a girl waiting for him in Seattle and now that he's a to-be
millionaire, Sam keeps his promise to bring her to Alaska so they can
get married. But the girl is already married, so Sam does what every
John Wayne character does when he's in a tough spot he gets blind
stinking drunk. Who says kids shouldn't idolize movie stars?
He ends up in a vaudeville house where he meets Michelle, a French
call girl, and tries to fix her up with George, but Michelle ends up
falling for Sam instead. If this sounds like too much of a chick
flick, just add in about 60 minutes of fist fights and problems where
solutions are solved with violence, except for the one with Michelle
and Sam. That's in the director's cut.
We would watch it and almost always reenact the last climatic scene of
the movie, a (surprise!) fist fight that takes place in a muddy
street. Grandma's house had a red carpet that made for a perfect set
and away we'd go. It also didn't help that Grandma let us eat only the
sugared cereals in the variety packs she bought by the palette and
gave us coffee every morning.
She would chase us around the living room trying to keep us away from
any and all breakable vases, priceless family heirlooms or anything
containing water. She didn't mind that her grandkids were behaving so
recklessly and crazy. She knew life was too short to behave, but she
also knew kids can destroy any and everything in their path. They're
like mini-senators.
Finally, we'd crash and exactly 10 seconds after our tiny bodies hit
the ground, our parents would come by to take us home. Then Grandma
would finally get the first moment of rest and peace in her entire day
of being a retarded crack monkey wrangler.
May she finally rest in peace.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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