ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Welcome back ...what an incredible last few weeks. We saw
three significant deaths... beginning with James Brown who was
argueably responsible for many of the music styles of
today. I
was shocked and saddened to hear of his passing on Christmas
Day. And then just a couple of days later we hear of Gerald Ford's
passing. Ford took over hte presidency of the
things were not great. Although he never became an elected
president...he still left his mark. Ford was the first president that
I remember and so he had a special place for me. And finally...
and certainly most deserving, we saw the hanging death of Saddam
Hussein! Now I am not quite sure where I stand on the execution
question...but if there was a man deserving of execution then it
was Saddam! I have to say I was shocked at how quickly he was
executed after his appeal fell through...justice in
deaths closed out 2006 and now we have moved into 2007.
2006 was a good year for me in many ways, but it was also a tough
year in my pocket. Our economy is in the bottom of the toilet bowl
here and unless something big happens in the next few months it
can only get worse! :( Its a struggle
every day to make ends meet.
But we persevere and survive! My lottery retirement plan had better
pay off soon! ;)
So heres a toast to the New Year ...and lets all hope
its a good one!
And in today's issue I would like to introduce a new contributor:
Danny Gallagher - Danny will be running a weekly column to fill the space
previously occupied by Melvin Durai. Danny is
an extremely funny
columnist and has a great mind. See his first offering in today's issue
and
please let me know what you think.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, Jean, Rubin, Tammy, Laura,
Sherri, JB, Adrian, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
All this Spinning is Making Me Dizzy
After the new year started, I looked down at my stomach and realized I
had broken last year's resolution. And the year before that.
And the
year before that.
"I'm going to exercise more this year," I vowed yet again, only this
time I meant it.
I was an avid bicycle racer for more than eight years when I was a
teenager, so I was sure I could easily whip myself back into shape if I
could hop back on the old horse. So I drove down to my local gym to
fulfill my new promise.
"I want a gym membership," I said to the guy at the front desk.
"Great," he said. "We've got a one year, five year, and a
lifetime
membership."
"Hold on there, Sparky. I'm not one to rush into a commitment. Do you
have anything shorter?"
Sparky gave me a look usually reserved for people who use the sauna to
warm up their cinnamon rolls.
"We have a one week trial. Give that a shot, and if you like it, we'll
set you up with something longer."
"Sounds great. Do you have any of those pedaling
classes?"
"Uh, I think you want the Sales Training Institute down the road."
"Not peddling, Sparky, pedaling. Like a bike."
"Oh, you mean spinning," he said with a sniff.
"Yeah, whatever."
"You're in luck. We've got one starting in 15 minutes. But I have
to
warn you, Brigitte can be a real taskmaster."
"Not to worry, son. I was riding 40 miles a day when you were still
falling off your trikey."
I found the locker room, changed into my old riding gear, and made my
way into the spinning room.
A muscular young woman, Brigitte, was pedaling a stationary bike at the
front of the room, while a group of men and women of various fitness
levels were slowly spinning away.
"Let me guess, you're Erik," said Brigitte.
"Yep, how'd you guess?"
"Geoff said you used to race years ago. I saw your shiny lycra spandex
outfit and guessed it was you."
"I wore this in college. It was my lucky racing outfit."
"Uhh, I don't know if lycra is supposed to be stretched that much. Can
you breathe alright?"
"Sure," I said, taking a deep breath. I heard a few seams pop, so I
let
it out quickly. I walked to an empty bike behind a somewhat large woman
and prayed she wasn't gassy. As I mounted my bike, I heard another small
tearing sound. As snug as my outfit was, I hoped it was my hamstring and
not my shorts.
"Okay class, here we go," shouted Brigitte. As we started pedaling
away,
I flashed back to my college days when we battled fierce headwinds mile
after grueling mile.
"Erik, what are you doing?!" Brigitte hollered.
I raised up. "Drafting.
Good riders draft to conserve energy. With
Gertrude up there, I'll be as fresh as when we started."
Gertrude turned around and glared at me.
"Alright, class, hill time!" Brigitte shouted. "Out
of the saddle and
attack that hill."
We stood up and cranked hard. I adopted the traditional side-to-side
rocking motion that racers use to speed up hills. The guy next to me
stared, mouth agape.
"Good riders rock their bikes like this to get up hills faster,
"So why are you doing it?"
I ignored his snide comment, and assumed the tuck position and coasted.
"No resting, Erik! Keep pedaling," hollered Brigitte.
"I reached the top first, so I'm coasting down the hill to conserve
energy."
"We're not to the top yet."
"Maybe you guys aren't, but I am. You all ride like a bunch of
tourists."
"Stand up and pedal."
back in The Day.
"Brigitte, this guy keeps leaning on me," he whined.
"I'm showing
get pretty hairy in there, and he should get used to having it happen in
a race situation. We can't all draft off Gertrude."
Gertrude glared at me again. "One more crack like that and I'll shove
your seat--"
"Alright, that's enough. We're here to ride, not to argue. And we're
certainly not racing. You need to take this seriously, Erik."
"I am taking it seriously. I'm wearing my helmet and everything."
"Yeah, that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Twas the month after Christmas
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
The eggnog I'd taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
I'd remember the marvelous meals
I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread
And the cheese
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again
To do battle with dirt
I said to myself as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
Every cracker and chip.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January's for?
Unable to giggle,no longer a
riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as
they're
going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
And the 2006 DARWIN AWARD Winner is...
HIGH ON LIFE: "Take a deep breath..."
(
into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara,
both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium
advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara
attended community college, but apparently their education had
glossed over the importance of oxygen.
When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream
causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts
advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life.
The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their
last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they
slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.
Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No
drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that
helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A
family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked
fun and it cost her."
copyright 2006 www.DarwinAwards.com
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me."
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
A vacationing penguin is driving through
when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of
the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for
a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop
and, being a penguin in
something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits
down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real
mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the
gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found
the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,
"It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
The Gift Card
by Sheila Moss
Congratulations! You are the recipient of American's most
wanted gift, the gift card. The gift card can be exchanged
for many useful and necessary items. Cash is not one of them.
Please read the following instructions to learn how to use
your new gift card.
Gift cards come with a number of different designs on the front.
Ignore the picture; it is the amount that the card will purchase
that matters, and they are all spent exactly the same way. You
can tell how much the balance is on the card by calling the phone
number conveniently located on the back of the card and entering
the secret identification number, also on the back of the card.
When you have decided what you want to purchase with your gift
card, take it to the retail store indicated on the front of the
card. This will most likely be a store you have never heard of
with items you are not interested in buying. This is how friends
encourage you to try new experiences and to acquire items that
you cannot afford. Also, it is how retailers make extra profit
from gift cards.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/giftcard.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/giftcard.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman
she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He exclaims, "15 inches! What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need
curtains."
The blond says, "HELLooooooo... I've got windows.!"
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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The same stuff that Daniel Negreanu and Gus Hansen
use
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I am not sure how long we can offer this book, so I wanted
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
*_The funny thing is that it really works_*.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the
world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the Iraqi you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A woman had a lucky escape when her bra saved her from
a bullet. Debbie Bingham was visiting her family in
Petersburg
.45-calibre bullet had been fired into the air by a
stranger. When it fell back down to Earth, it struck her
left shoulder. The left strap on her bra took the brunt
of the damage and Debbie was left uninjured.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off,
while slicing salami at work, he blames the
restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years
and die of lung cancer, your family blames
the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while
driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without
manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit
and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and
the passengers kill him instead, the mother of
the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the
world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my
old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this
computer, I want all of you to blame
Bill Gates ...okay!
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Ex-Coach Hits Students in Groin (Associated Press)
A former high school basketball coach faces 39 charges
for allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing
them pornography and pouring water on his players then
driving them to games in the winter with the windows
rolled down.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for
the murder of his wife.
Judge: "Sir, you have been brought before me and stand
accussed of killing your wife." "What do
you have to
say in your defense?"
Man: "Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife
in bed with my best friend and I shot her." "Thats all I
have to say."
Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what
happened to your best friend, would you please tell me what
happened with him."
Man: " Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at
him and
said BAD DOG, BAD DOG."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Mr. Wrong"
OR
"Putting the 'Fan' Back in 'Fanatic'"
Out of all the horrific names and faces that peered in between
the days on the calendar of 2006, the scariest, hands down, was
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.
He scared me more than any self-absorbed nutjob in
2006. He
scares me more than Saddam Hussein. He scares me more than
Osama Bin Laden. He scares me more than Mel Gibson, a man who
if he ever obtains weapons of mass destruction will force me
to take the "magic" pills my mother gave me when she thought
Y2K would turn the world into a post-Apocalyptic hell hole
that would make "Blade Runner" look like Disneyworld.
First off, he's a madman. He torture and kills his own people.
He's flung his country into the lowest levels of poverty so he
can live in a lavish pleasure palace full of good food, wanton
mistresses and total comfort. He's a selfish, self centered,
egotistical bastard who makes decisions for his country based
on how it benefits him. In other words, he's your basic
politician.
Secondly, he has his own nuclear program. I don't care if it
works or not. The man has weapons that can send mankind hurdling
back to the Bronze Age with the push of a button. Look what he
did to his hair. Imagine what he could do to us.
But here's the scariest part of the equation, he's a film
fanatic.
That's right, I'll bet before you thought he was just a
tyrannical dictator with an inferiority complex, a lust
for personal power and prestige and an arsenal of
destructive weapons at his disposal. Ahhh, those were
the
good ol' days.
According to an interview with former CIA psychologist Dr.
Jerold Post by CNN's Wolf Blitzer (whose name translated
into German means "Bearded man who tackles wolverines"),
Jong-Il or the more accurately named Ill has a collection
of over 20,000 movies in his "Fortress of Douche-a-tude"
including the entire James Bond collection. He even once
kidnapped
her and her husband under house arrest for eight years.
We shouldn't just be on Red Alert right now. We should be
on Brown Alert.
Some of you are feeling a little confused. Some of you are
probably looking at me the same way a dog looks at the phone
when he hears his master's voice coming out of it. Some of
you are high. I can't help you.
But the fact remains, he's a movie buff and that ups the
stakes. We all have on in our lives. They're nice people,
but they have problems just like anyone else, except they
let films cloud their judgment and serve as a false reality
to take them away from their problems and personality flaws.
We don't Leonard Maltin access highly deadly chemical
weapons, why should Kim Jong-Il be any different?
Their problem is they base their entire life around their
favorite movies. They influence what they say, how they react
or who they are. Just imagine some poor schmuck being audited
by the IRS. The agent looks up from his paperwork and tells
him that because he claimed nearly $12,000 in Blockbuster
late fees as a medical expense, he will have to face "severe"
financial penalties. He then looks deep into his soul and
asks himself, "What would Ash from 'Evil Dead II' do?" His
inner Bruce Campbell would tell him to whip out the diamond
bladed chainsaw that's attached to the stump where his right
hand used to be and slice this primitive screwhead a
new
wormhole. He gives the agent a karate chop with his bare head
and the agent flips him on his back, punches him in the
throat and files assault and battery charges against him.
Now imagine that guy with aluminum tubes, African yellowcake
and a nuclear warhead.
I know the federal government and the United Nations haven't
done a good job of keeping Jong-Il in check. I just hope, for
our sake, that the CIA has enough sense to track Kim Jong-Il's
"Netflix" membership because if he ever
gets to "Evil Dead II"
on his queue, we're screwed.
======================================================
" Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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