ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I am back from my trip to
beautiful and friendly city it is. The houses on the waterfront
are amazing ...some are over 150 years old and are maintained
in the state they were built. HUGE mansion type houses
with 2 or 3 stories and many rooms! The
case to get to the second and third floors and nicely ornated
woodwork throughout the building. Overall the trip to NB
was a good one ...except for the flight from Fredericton to
Montreal ... this was on a small "Dash 8" aircraft and for the
first hour of the flight we flew IN the clouds ...so it was a
little rough and uncomfortable on the ears. I was glad to
be back on the ground again.
On a very scary note ...while I was away ...the Canadian
Gov't arrested 17 people on terrorism charges and they say
that they were planning a MAJOR terrorist attack in
Our gov'ts policy in the world has changed from peacekeeping
to war-making and it is probably that policy that has caused
authorities keep a close watch on what is going on around us!
Well because I was gone last week ...I didn't get much email
that I could consider for this space ...so I guess we'll skip it
this week ...but send me an email (good or bad) and it may
end up here!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Sherri, Tammy, Keli, Stan,
Rubin, Laura.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Doctrinal Battle Ruins Friendships, Family
To the outside world, it's a spring morning just like any other. Garbage
trucks clang down sleepy streets. Commuters battle rush hour traffic.
And lines of coffee fanatics wait to get their morning fix at their
favorite coffee houses.
But at Little Lamb Day Care, a storm is brewing that threatens to end
its long and illustrious history.
Recently, the school was rocked by a controversy that has shaken the
very foundations of early childhood education. Not since Martin Luther
nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the Wittenberg Door has there been such
an upheaval.
The issue is one that has caused many sleepless nights, wet beds, and
nightmares for both children and parents. It's a simple question, but
one that has many answers:
Is it "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or "Eensy Weensy Spider?"
While the controversy may seem trivial to some, it has torn apart this
small school that had previously preached tolerance and acceptance of
everyone.
"We thought everything was going great," said Stacey Hostetler,
father
of Britney, age four. "Then one day, Britney came home singing 'Eensy
Weensy Spider.' I asked her where she learned it, and she said Mrs.
Matthews taught them. Eensy Weensy Spider?! We're an
'Itsy Bitsy'
family. It's in Mother Goose, for God's sake!"
Darlene Matthews, longtime teacher at Little Lamb, said, "I cannot
believe the unwillingness of some of these parents to accept the truth.
The song is 'Eensy Weensy Spider.' It has always been 'Eensy Weensy
Spider.' And no screaming or gnashing of teeth will change that."
Matthews recently left her job -- one she has held for 23 years -- over
the dispute. She dispels the rumors that she was terminated for her
views, saying instead that she left over "educational differences."
"I did not agree with the school or its views on the teaching of that
song," Matthews said. "I can't be a part of an organization that
would
dismiss the beliefs of others out of hand like that."
The battle was indeed bloody. Teacher fought with teacher. Parents who
were once friends no longer speak to one another. Even families have
suffered the backlash of the spider song squabble.
Whitney Humphries, mother of five-year-old Jonathan, said, "I used to
sing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' to him when he was a baby. Now he refuses to
call it anything but 'Eensy Weensy Spider.' He wears t-shirts that say
'Free the Eensy Weensy Five,' and has shaved his head in protest. He
even quit watching
"I don't know what's -- I'm sorry," Humphries choked back a sob.
"I
don't know what's happened to my little boy." She was unable to continue
the interview.
"I don't need some heavy-handed autocrat dictating my worldview,"
shouted Jonathan during a recent protest. "I'm a big boy! I can choose
my own form of musical expression!"
The Eensy Weensy-Itsy Bitsy debate has caused such a stir in the
community that the mayor was even asked to intervene. While there has
not been an official position on the matter, one anonymous source inside
the mayor's office told this reporter, "No way are we going to touch
this thing with a ten foot pole. We've got a reelection campaign to
think about in two years. Memories live long and hard around here, and
an emotional issue like this could spell the end of this
administration."
So what's on the horizon for Little Lamb Day Care? One possibility is
that teachers like Matthews and students like Jonathan Humphries may
start their own school.
Other members of the Eensy Weensy camp have threatened a lawsuit. Local
attorney R. Bob Robertson feels so strongly about the issue that he has
agreed to work on their case at no cost.
"This is a country that was built on the free expression of ideas,"
said
Robertson. "My clients have been harassed, and even received death
threats, simply for expressing themselves."
But not everyone takes the issue this seriously.
"Frankly, we don't see what all the fuss is about," said Ernest
Tolliver, Little Lamb's executive director.
Helen Byrne agreed. "Not at all. It's a silly
issue when you think about
it. This doesn't really change lives or affect the world."
"Too right," Tolliver laughed -- a sound that has been sorely missed
these last few weeks. "I mean, what's next? A hunger strike over 'Hush
Little Baby' about whether Poppa bought a billy goat or a cart and
bull?"
"What did you just say?!" demanded Byrne. "Everyone knows it's a
#&*%!
goat."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2006
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:
* Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
* Only moans during commercial breaks.
* You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
* During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,
Yadda."
* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
* Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
* Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
* Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
* Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on
too.
* Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you
how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend
$12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."
-Jay Leno
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Returning Soon]
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more
she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --
A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink
the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste
hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When
he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just
try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Returning Soon]
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became
friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she
came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall
was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with
the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one
suffering Jew in this room was enough."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Hamster Dance
by Sheila Moss
Ever since he has been old enough to walk, my grandson has
wanted a hamster. He is drawn to the hamster cages in pet
stores like a moth to the light. We have to pry him loose
with promises.
"When you are old enough to take care of it, you can have
one."
The other day the topic of small animal pets came up again.
I don't remember why -- probably my brain is trying to block
out the memory. "When he is old enough..." I began. Then I
remembered that he is nearly eight years old now.
He is old enough.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/hamster.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/hamster.htm
ӿӭ------------------DAILY
TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿӼbr>
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed
sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister,
Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various
saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her
death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars
are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
ӿӭ-----------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Returning Soon]
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,
whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a
distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Shit
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of shit, drink WINE !!! It is better to
drink wine
and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am
doing it as a public service!!
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Returning Soon]
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Romanian man has handed over his wife to a creditor
as payment for his debts. Emil Iancu, from tIghisu Nou,
gave his wife Daniela to 72-year-old Jozef Justien
Lostrie when he turned up on his doorstep to collect
a $4000 debt. Iancu said: "I had no money to pay the
debt and when I told Lostrie he said he would take my
wife instead.
"I was scared of what he would do and so I signed a
document saying Daniela would live with him." But
Daniela says the deal has proved better for her.
"Before I had to clean the house and look after our
three children on my own, while Emil did nothing, but
now I'm treated like a guest and hardly have to raise
a finger," she said.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really
look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice.
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Deer Leaves Dog Unconscious, Causes Flood (Associated Press)
A spooked deer rampaged through an apartment, leaving a flood,
temporarily displacing a family and leaving the family dog
temporarily unconscious.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told
her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and
told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you
to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel
right now!"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
Because it might lead to dancing.
ӿӭ--------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Melivin's column is unavailable today so instead I bring you a
special guest columnist]
Building Moral Character is Nothing To Sniff At
Lisa Barker
Well, it finally happened. One of my kids has outsmarted me
when it comes to eating vegetables. The two-year old,
demonstrating sheer brilliance on his part, now surpasses his
older siblings in weaseling out of eating healthy foods. To
be blunt, he shoves veggies up his nose and there is no way
I'm paying the bucks to take him to the emergency room to have
kernels of corn extracted from his wee brain. Even
though
that would make a GREAT column.
So, now he doesn't have to eat his veggies if he doesn't want
to because I might have to leave the table to get the ketchup
and come back and find that he's snorted all the side dishes.
Seriously. I knew he was up to something.
Veggies just don't
disappear that fast on HIS plate. Sure enough, I discovered
his secret stash.
Now, in my day, we'd hide veggies under the table in the little
crevices. Or we'd smoothly wipe our mouths and make a secret
deposit into a napkin. Oh, sure, my mom was always wise to this,
but it never crossed my mind to hide the offending veggies up my
nose.
What next? Peas in his ears? Mashed
potatoes in his belly button?
I have to put a stop to this before he's old enough for elementary
school. There's no telling how many crayons, pencils and homework
assignments he'll file away.
And if he keeps that up, who knows where it will end? Maybe one
day he'll walk into a department store and slip out with an iPod
shoved up his nose.
"Hello, Mom? I've been arrested. I, uh, accidentally inhaled
an
iPod."
"What!? I told you to keep your nose clean! If you don't stay
out of trouble you're really going to blow it."
Oh, I definitely have to curb this interest of his. No child of
mine is going to live a life of crime! Why, once he sniffs up his
first iPod it can only lead to even bigger things, like televisions
and cars.
"Son, is that a Volkswagen Beetle sticking out of your nose?"
"What nose?"
"The one with the license plate number 'IDIGIT2.'"
I know. I'm probably making a big fuss about nothing. People
tell me that it's just a phase he's going through. One kernel of
corn doesn't constitute grand theft auto nor does it reflect
poorly on my son's character.
Then again, no self-respecting mom will leave these things to
chance. You'll never see my boy on Jerry Springer crying about how
I SHOULD HAVE made him blow his nose at the dinner table. No, sir.
When it comes to instilling morals and character in children it's
definitely nothing to sniff at.
--
Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of "Just Because Your
Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and
syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly
Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com.
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