ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Handle this issue with care ... it could be infected with this
cold that I have.  Over two weeks since I caught this one ...
and that is the reason that I took last week away from the
computer.  Sniffles and sneezes are common in Canada
throughout the winter ... but this one is more powerful than
most ... and really has put its mark on our local population.
Most of my friends have had the bug and it lasts anywhere
from two weeks to a month.  So you have been warned!

Canada again is in total shock over the murder of four members
of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police on a farm in Alberta.
The officers were guarding a crime scene when they were
ambushed by the property owner.  He shot and killed the four
officers and then took his own life!  This is the bloodiest day
in the RCMPs history since the Northwest Rebellion in the
1800s.  Gun violence in Canada is not commonplace and an
incident of this magnitude is really hard to fathom.  Our govern-
ment was quick to claim that marijauna "grow-ops" must be
controlled and shutdown but really that is not the issue.  The
issue here is that a known violent criminal with a history had
access to a high-powered rifle even though Canada has
recently toughened up its gun laws.  Obviously the government
really doesn't understand the situation as the radio call-in
shows are proving.  Most people don't have an issue with
the "grow-ops" ... but most do have a problem with the fact
that billions of dollars have been spent on a gun registry that
just isn't working.  And after that is all said and done ... we
still have lost four brave young men in the line of duty.  So
lets put all the issues to rest and deal with the tragedy ...
let the government handle it in their usual haphazzard
fashion while the rest of us sit back and ask "Why?" When
all is said and done .. the result will be the same!  Finally
I offer my condolences to the friends and family of the four
officers and to the community of Mayerthorpe, Alberta where
this incident happened.  Not a nice way for a community to
make its presence known.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Laura, Stan, Kerry,
Jack, Pat, Colin, Dave.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg
evening meal what would you prefer?

Boyfriend: Eating between meals

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that is  "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the
top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do
we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do
we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why
is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.  And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the
kitchen.  We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.  People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.  To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed
UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it
is stopped UP.  We open UP a store in the morning but we close it
UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!  To be knowledgeable about
the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.  In a
desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and
can add UP to about thirty definitions.  If you are UP to it, you
might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will
take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a hundred or more.  When it threatens to rain, we say it
is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.  When
it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so. Time to  shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night?     U-P

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

 194-   Alan Sues Ross CA, comedian/actor (Laugh-In, Oh Heavenly Dog)
1940 Leslie Isben Rogge one of FBI's most wanted
1940 Susan Clark Sarnia Ontario, actress (Night Moves, Webster)
1940 Theo Laseroms [The Tank], Dutch soccer player (Feyenoord)
1941 Ivana Loudova composer
1941 Yvar Emilian Mikhashoff composer
1942 [Dick] Richie Allen baseball player (American League MVP 1972)
1942 Ann Packer-Brightwell England, 400 meter/800 meter runner (Olympics-gold-1964)
1943 Lynn Redgrave London England, actress (Georgie Girl) Weight-Watcher
1944 Carole Bayer Sager NY, aka Mrs Burt Bachrach, singer (Arthur)
1945 Graeme Watson cricketer (Australian opening batsman 5 Tests 1966-72)
1945 Jim Chapman (Representative-Democrat-TX, 1985- )
1945 Keith Jarrett pianist/composer
1945 Mickey Dolenz Los Angeles CA, actor (Circus Boy) singer (Monkees)
1946 Mohammad Nazir Pakistani cricket off-spinner (14 Tests 1969-83)
1946 Randy Meisner rock bassist/vocalist (Poco, Eagles-Take it Easy)
1947 Mike Allsup Modesto CA, rock guitarist (Three Dog Night)
1948 [Little] Peggy March [Margaret Battavio] Lansdale PA, vocalist (I Will Follow Him)
1948 Ralph Ellis Liverpool England, rhythm guitarist (Swinging Blue Jeans-You're No Good)
1949 Charles Lismont Belgian marathon runner (Olympics-silver-1972)
1951 Philippe Henri Edmonds cricketer in Zambia, England slow left-arm
1952 Vladimir Vladimirovich Vasyutin USSR, cosmonaut (Soyuz T-14)
1953 Jim Rice Boston Red Sox outfielder (American League MVP 1978)
1953 Kathleen Ann Shower Brookville OH, Playmate of the Year (May 1985)
1954 Cheryl Baker rock vocalist (Bucks Fizz-My Camera Never Lies, Making Your Mind Up)
1954 David Wilkie England, 200 meter backstroke swimmer (Olympics-gold-1976)
1954 Karl Schnabl 90 meter ski jumper (Olympics-gold-1976)
1954 Maria-Therese Nadig Switzerland, skier (Olympics-2 gold-1972)
1957 Cynthia Rothrock Wilmington DE, actress (Lady Dragon, Honor & Glory)
1957 Ruth Wysocki Alhambra CA, 800 meter/1500 meter runner
1958 Andreas Maurer West Germany, tennis star
1958 Gary Numan [Gary Webb] Hammersmith England, vocalist (Cars, Dominion Day)
1959 Aidan Quinn Chicago IL, actor (Legends of the Fall, Michael Collins, Benny & Joon, Reackless)
1960 Buck Williams NBA forward (Portland Trail Blazers, New York Knicks)
1961 Larry Murphy Scarborough, NHL defenseman (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1962 Shaun Gayle NFL strong safety (San Diego Chargers)
1962 William Fuller NFL defensive end (Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers)
1963 Gursharan Singh cricketer (Indian batsman played one Test 1989-90)
1963 Kathy Ireland model/actress (Alien From LA, Side Out)
1963 Mike Lalor Buffalo, NHL defenseman (Dallas Stars)
1964 Cheryl "Salt" James singer (Salt-N-Pepa)
1964 Peter "Ged" Gill drummer (Frankie Goes to Hollywood-2 Tribes)
1965 Kenny Smith NBA guard (Houston Rockets)
1966 Elliot Boult Blenheim New Zealand, Australasia golfer
1966 Holly Ann Salo Keani AK, Miss Alaska-America (1990)
1966 Laura McCabe cross country skier (Olympics-1994)
1967 Brent Fedyk Yorkton, NHL left wing (Dallas Stars)
1967 Dale Joseph CFL defensive back (Saskatchewan Roughriders)
1968 Clare Wood Zululand South Africa, tennis star (1986 Futures-Lisbon)
1968 Rob Zettler Sept-iles, NHL defenseman (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1969 Andrea Parker actress (Miss Parker-The Pretender)

....and on this day in history:

 1941  1st baseball player drafted into WWII (Hugh Mulcahy, Phillies)
1942 Japanese forces captures Rangoon Burma
1942 KNIL, Dutch colonial army on Java, surrenders to Japanese armies
1943 335 allied bombers attack Neurenberg
1943 Limited gambling legalized in Mexico
1943 US Ladies Figure Skating Championship won by Gretchen Merrill
1943 US Men's Figure Skating Championship won by Arthur Vaughn
1944 US resumes bombing Berlin
1945 "Kiss Me Kate" opens in Britain
1945 53 Amsterdammers executed by Nazi occupiers
1945 International Women's Day is 1st observed
1945 Phyllis M Daley is 1st black nurse sworn-in as US Navy ensign
1946 1st helicopter licensed for commercial use (New York NY)
1948 Supreme Court rules relg instructions in pub schools unconstitutional
1949 WAGA TV channel 5 in Atlanta GA (CBS) begins broadcasting
1949 WBAP-FM, Fort Worth TX, begins broadcasting
1950 1st woman medical officer assigned to naval vessel (BR Walters)
1950 Marshall Voroshilov of USSR announces they developed atomic bomb
1951 International Table Tennis Federation bans Egypt (for refusing to play Israel)
1952 Antoine Pinay forms French government
1953 "Two's Company" closes at Alvin Theater NYC after 90 performances
1953 Census indicates 239,000 farmers gave up farming in last 2 years
1953 KSWO TV channel 7 in Lawton OK (ABC) begins broadcasting
1953 Patty Berg wins LPGA Jacksonville Golf Open
1953 WFMJ TV channel 21 in Youngstown OH (NBC) begins broadcasting
1954 Herb McKinley sets mile record of 0 :6.8 in Melbourne, Australia
1957 1st performance of David Diamond's 6th Symphony in Boston
1957 Israeli troops leave Egypt; Suez Canal re-opened for minor ships
1957 USSR performs atmospheric nuclear test
1958 Silky Sullivan comes from 40 lengths back to win by 3 at Santa Anita
1958 William Faulkner says US schools degenerated to become babysitters
1959 Groucho, Chico & Harpo's final TV appearance together
1959 KUAT TV channel 6 in Tucson AZ (PBS) begins broadcasting
1959 Mickey Wright wins LPGA Jacksonville Golf Open
1959 Pro-Egyptian coup fails in Mosul Iraq
1960 "Greenwillow" opens at Alvin Theater NYC for 95 performances
1961 Jean Kerr's "Mary, Mary" premieres in New York NY
1961 US nuclear submarine Patrick Henry arrives at Scottish naval base of Holy Loch from South Carolina in a record underseas journey of 66 days 22 hours
1962 Beatles, with Pete Best, TV debut (perform "Dream Baby" on BBC)
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 Syrian Arab Republic Revolution Day: Military coup in Syria
1965 1st US combat forces arrive in South Vietnam (3,500 Marines)
1966 "Golden Boy" closes at Majestic Theater NYC after 569 performances
1966 An IRA bomb destroyed Nelson's Column in Dublin
1966 Casey Stengel elected to Hall of Fame
1967 New Orleans Saints begin selling season tickets (20,000 sold 1st day)
1968 6 year old Tommy Moore scores hole-in-one in golf (Hagerstown MD)
1968 Fillmore East opens
1968 Students demonstrate in Warsaw
1969 Marriage of 12 year old Marcella Rosciglione in Palermo Italy

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

"It's funny,"says Tara, "Ed's  balls are always cold as ice when
I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Joz. "It's exactly the same with my
James..."

They turn to Anni and ask, "When you blow Sam, are his
balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Sam's  thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," says Tara "A good blowjob is the  best way to keep
a guy. You should try it."

Anni says she'll think about it.The next morning, they meet at the
cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" Tara asks. "How did you get that black eye?"

"Sam hit me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" Joz asks.

"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it
was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how James' and Ed's are so
cold."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

Of Boys and Red Balloons
by Sheila Moss

It all started when I walked into Wal-Mart and found that the
store had sprouted a forest of helium balloons overnight.  I
was an easy mark and quickly joined the hoards of impulse
buyers.  Who could resist the shinny dancing globes?

"I must have one," I thought.  "No, I must have two, one each
of my grandchildren."  I felt rather silly in the checkout line
with two balloons floating over my basket, but after all, the
balloons were for sale.  How else could you buy one?

I've never been able to figure out just how they get the helium
in those silvery mylar balloons. They seal them closed and
fastened them to the string with a plastic clip.  The balloons
are then anchored with a plastic disk on the opposite end of the
string, making them too heavy to float away if the young owner
lets go of the string.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/balloon.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/balloon.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"As I'm sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the
other night and he's doing great. He said he feels like a
kid again."
-Jay Leno

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

We Narrowed It Down To Where Things Went Wrong
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz2.shtml ">We Narrowed It Down To
Where Things Went Wrong</a>

He Was Always Bragging About The Size of His Penis
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/braggart.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/braggart.shtml ">He Was Always
Bragging About The Size of His Penis</a>

Only One Way To Say
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/say.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/say.shtml ">Only One Way To Say</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Things You Always Wanted To Know But Were Afraid To Ask

A sick pig rarely curls it's tail.

A woodpeckers tongue is long enough to wrap it around his   head 2
times.

Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder.

A Snail takes 33 hours to crawl 1 mile.

The bigger the naval, the sweeter the orange.

In an average lifetime the human heart circulates 55 million
gallons of blood.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite.

At the first Thanksgiving dinner, Lobster was one of the main entrees.

No word in the English Language rhymes with month.

Worcestershire Sauce is basically an Anchovy Ketchup.

Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years or older.

The dial tone of a normal phone is in the key of F.

Bubble Gum contains rubber.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

Camel's milk does not curdle.

A group of owls is called a parliament.

The geographical center of North America is Rugby, North Dakota.

Giraffes have no vocal cords.

Professional ballerinas use about 12 pair of toe shoes per week.

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

terror over hainian, the homegame

<a href=" http://www.jimtaylor.com/hainan.htm ">terror over hainian, the homegame</a>
http://www.jimtaylor.com/hainan.htm

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

One morning the door-bell rang. The weather was very bad.  It was
raining cats and dogs.  I opened the door and  there stood a young
girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet.

I felt sorry for her and asked her in the house for a cup of coffee
and to dry off a little. As we were drinking our coffee, I asked
what her 'happy message' was.

I thought we might discuss some difference of belief but, she stuttered
and said.... "I'm not sure....I never got this far...!"

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

How to medicate your pet:

CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. F lick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch scre wdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants f rom right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new
table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society  to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop
to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

New Keyboard For Men
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mensnewkybd.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mensnewkybd.shtml ">New Keyboard For
Men</a>

Airbag For Bicyclists
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/airbag.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/airbag.shtml ">Airbag For
Bicyclists</a>

Horny N Desperate
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hornyndesp.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hornyndesp.shtml ">Horny N
Desperate</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is
standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
hard look at herself.  "You know, Harvey," she comments, "I
stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face
is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my
waist. My arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons,
and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at
Beth Israel Synagogue.

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

There were 37 entrants in the 1988 Year-End Loud Voices
Contest in Tokyo.

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered
up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that
the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally
said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

You Say It Like It's A Bad Thing
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/usay.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/usay.shtml ">You Say It Like It's A
Bad Thing</a>

Pushing The Wife's Buttons
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz1.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz1.shtml ">Pushing The Wife's
Buttons</a>

Redneck Executive Bathroom
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rednecktoilet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rednecktoilet.shtml ">Redneck
Executive Bathroom</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma,
guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church...

IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering,"five guys and two women stand up.
IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".
IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.
IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya
Hear"

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Why Cyclists Should Wear Black Shorts and NOT Red Shorts
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cyclists.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cyclists.shtml ">Why Cyclists Should
Wear Black Shorts and NOT Red Shorts</a>

A New Way To Protect Your Valuables
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/safebrief.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/safebrief.shtml ">A New Way To
Protect Your Valuables</a>

Think Positive
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/thinkpos.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/thinkpos.shtml ">Think Positive</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

Hospital staff treating a retired school teacher for a headache
found a five inch knife blade wedged in his head. A headteacher
from Poland went to the doctors suffering from a headache,
following X-rays hospital staff found a knife embedded in
his head. The discovery was made after doctors X-rayed Leonard
Woronowicz to see if he had cracked his skull in a fall while
climbing over a stool in his kitchen four days earlier. Instead
they found a blade that had penetrated the 61-year-old's head
just below his right ear. It had snapped off at the handle without
touching any major blood vessels or nerves - or causing any
lasting damage.

He said: "I thought they might give me an aspirin, instead they
pulled a five inch knife blade out of my head." Woronowicz, from
the Polish town of Wojnowice, said he had tripped over the stool
while doing work in his kitchen. He said: "I had some tools and
other gadgets scattered on the kitchen floor where I had been
doing the work when I tripped. The blade from the kitchen knife
must have pierced my head then. My head hurt a bit, but I was
convinced that it was from the fall. There was a small gash on
the side of my head near my ear, but I thought it would soon
heal and did not make much of it. I put a plaster on it and
left it."

He added: "I didn't even guess what had happened when the next day
I wanted to cut a piece of bread but couldn't find the kitchen knife.
Despite carefully searching the room I could only find the handle.
But I forgot about it as my headaches got worse over the next few
days, and I decided to go to a hospital." Local doctors were
bewildered at the sight of the X-ray pictures and immediately called
for an ambulance to take the patient to the Bialystok regional centre
hospital in Northern Poland. Surgeons pulled the five inch blade out
of his skull in an operation that took just a few minutes. The blade
had gone into his head from the side near his right ear.

Dr Marek Rogowski from the Bialystok hospital said a surgeon could
not have made a better job of placing the knife so that it missed all
vital bones, nerves and blood vessels. He said: "We have found objects
in patients' bodies before, but this is unprecedented."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before
they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him
that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing
ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his
life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said
he will have 20/20 vision

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he
needed glasses!"

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]  S P E A K    N O W    O R . . .   [||||]

"Nine formal objections are filed at the local registry offices in
Chippenham and Cirencester to the planned Charles-Parker Bowles
wedding."  (AP/3/5)

[]   One by the AKC which seeks assurances that Camilla won't claim
exclusive rights to the name "King Charles Spaniel."

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic]

God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over
things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and
Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering
if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift
to, let me stand and pee, oh please........."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that
would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given
the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over creations.

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

A 30 year-old California man was out for a drive on February 16.
For reasons known only to him, he was not wearing any pants or
underwear. He caught the attention of Ripon, California police
when they observed him making an illegal left turn and noticed
he had a broken taillight. Instead of stopping, the man led
the police on a chase at speeds up to 100 mph. The high-speed
pursuit ended on the front lawn of a church when the man, naked
from the waist down, stopped, bailed out of his car, and jumped
over an eight-foot concrete wall. The police found him moments
later on the roof of a nearby shed. The police ordered him to
come down but the man told them he had broken his ankles
trying to get away from them.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Education of a Construction Klutz

As I've gotten older, I've discovered there aren't as many handy people
around as I thought. When I was a kid, everyone I knew could fix things,
remodel entire rooms in a weekend, and build a small shed with an axe
and three mature pine trees.

Well, almost everyone. My dad wasn't very handy. He could build a few
things, but at one point during my childhood, I thought the entire house
was held together with duct tape and baling wire. It was only through
sheer determination of will, and the fact that the house rattled in a
stiff breeze, that my dad finally began calling professionals to fix
what he had already fixed.

Unfortunately, I come from a long line of unhandy people. My father's
family comes from The Netherlands, and through extensive genealogical
research, I've learned that my ancestors have been doctors, engineers,
and scientists. According to family legend, there is a statue of one of
my relatives near Monnickendam, Netherlands, in commemoration for all
his accomplishments as an engineer.

However, none of these men or women were known for being very good with
tools, mostly because they were doctors, engineers, and scientists.

Growing up, I thought I had inherited the "complete klutz with tools"
gene, recently identified by genetic scientists, one of whom is probably
a distant cousin. However, over the years, I've learned how to not only
use tools without killing myself or the people around me, but to
actually become a halfway-decent builder and woodworker (translation: I
still have all my fingers and toes).

Usually this kind of knowledge is passed from father to son. And I did
learn quite a few important tips from my dad as I watched him work
around the house.

Is the garage door track going to collapse and all you have is baling
wire? I can help you with that.  Need a temporary fix on a leaky pipe
with chewing gum and duct tape? I'm your man. Are you looking for a
temporary solution to a problem that actually needs to last for several
years? Give me an empty tin can and a hacksaw, and I can fix anything.

Unfortunately, when you have a house of your own and don't have a lot of
money, duct tape and steel cans are no way to fix a house AND keep your
wife happy. So I had to learn how to be handy. Luckily, I had my
father-in-law to teach me all of these things. He was more than happy to
help me, despite the fact that I had married his oldest daughter.

All of my knowledge about construction and tools came from him. He took
four years to show me how to hammer nails properly, install insulation,
wire a house, and hang drywall. He did it with patience, thoroughness,
and only had to whack me on the head with a hammer once.

It was a complete accident, of course (although he may not have forgiven
me for taking his daughter away from him). We were working on the
upstairs of my house. He was standing on a stool, hammering over his
head. I walked past him just as he was lowering the hammer.

I quickly had a new respect for nails as the metallic clunk rattled my
head. My eyes crossed and my vision went white, like I was staring into
a searchlight. I was vaguely aware of my father-in-law apologizing
profusely and asking me if I was okay.

But despite the whack on the head, my only thought was "what's the best
reaction I could make to get a big laugh?" I wracked the portion of my
brain that was still functioning and tried to come up with the funniest
response.

"I could fall down. No, that would give him a heart attack. Wait, I
could shake my head and make that noise like they do on cartoons. No, my
head hurts too much. I could tell him he'll never get rid of me that
easily. No. . ." And so on.

I finally realized he was staring at me and trying to get me to answer.
I mumbled that I was okay and sat down on a milk crate, disappointed
that I couldn't come up with a witty remark, despite my near concussion.

But at the same time, a tiny -- unconcussed -- part of my brain was
celebrating. Thanks to all of my construction education, I knew exactly
what happened: I had just been whacked with a 16 ounce Estwing claw
hammer. I was no longer a "complete klutz with tools."

Of course, everything tasted like apples for a month, but there's
usually a trade off with these sorts of things.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.