ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

I have come to the conclusion that some people are just too
stupid to be alive.  I was at a conference last week and at the
opening of the conference we were asked to turn off our cell-
phones so as not to disturb the speakers. (I keep mine on
vibrate due to business contacts but always leave the room
if I get a call) ... now you would think that being told to turn
off your phone would mean something ... but it seems that
some people just think it doesn't apply to them!  There were
cell phones ringing throughout the whole conference and each
time you would think that people would get the hint ... but they
don't!  It is very annoying to be in the middle of a really great
presenter only to hear to the annoying ringtone of choice inter-
upting the silence!   Why do people think that being told to
turn off your phone during a conference, movie, theatre produ-
ction, etc doesn't apply to them?  Cell phones are a really great
tool ... but also one of the most annoying devices on the earth...
so please use them responsibly!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Dave, Stan,
Unicorn, Janie, Barbara, Carole.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid?

"No, she isn't!"

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl.
She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much
for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There,
he placed his arm around her.

"Did the young man do this to you?", he asked.

"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.

"Hmm," said the priest, He kissed her.

"Did he do this?"

"Yes, Father and worse," the girl said.

"Did he do this?" the priest asked, as he lifted her
skirt, removing her panties, and started jabbing his
finger into her snatch.

"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.

By this time the priest was thoroughly HOT. He pulled
the girl down onto the rug and inserted his dick,
started screwing and breathing heavily as he asked,
"Did he manage to do this?"

"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.

When the priest had finished screwing the girl, he
asked "He did this too, and worse"

My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"

"Well," the shy young girl said, " I think, Father,
that he's given me a dose of CLAP."

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

[Today in History is unavailable today]

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Are you Over the Hill ?
You may be headed that way if . . ..

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle,
pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

You wake up looking like your driver's license
photo.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the
patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out
before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother
said to you and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be
reminded of your age.

When you step off the curb and look down one more time
to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking
lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were
on your head the whole time.

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just
don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

I'm Bored
by Sheila Moss

How long since you've been really bored? Nowadays, people seem
to believe that there is an inalienable right to NOT be bored.
We have television, radio, computers, video, tapes, CD's, movies,
cell phones, digital cams, and DVD. Heaven forbid that anyone
should ever spend any time being bored.

Remember when it was actually possible to spend a boring after-
noon? We were forced to find creative ways to entertain ourselves,
things like reading books, doing crafts, or just daydreaming. No
more. We cannot stand to be bored long enough to dream or think
creatively. We rush to push buttons before boredom sets in.

When I was young, life was pretty boring, but somehow we managed
to grow up anyhow. If school was not interesting, we learned to
challenge ourselves. Nowadays kids must be entertained to learn.
Computers provide constant feedback and stimulate learning - or
at least that's what we are told.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/bored.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/bored.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

How To Fix The Leaning Tower of Pisa
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pisafix.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pisafix.shtml ">How To Fix The
Leaning Tower of Pisa</a>

Computer Coffee Break
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coffeebreak.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coffeebreak.shtml ">Computer Coffee
Break</a>

New Navy Urinal
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/navyurinal.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/navyurinal.shtml ">New Navy
Urinal</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when Anni got off work. She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home.

Anni sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a
blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That
way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much
better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she
started to follow it.

As Anni followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they
continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard
conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised
when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her
car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver
wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for
a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice
to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if
she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going
over to Kmart next.

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

tons of great quotes and proverbs

<a href=" http://www.goodquotes.com/ ">good quotes</a>
http://www.goodquotes.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a
ball game.  During the game the guys notice the girl
knew just as much about  the game as themselves,
and are really impressed.

After the game  they ask her, "How is it that you know
so much about baseball?"

She says,  "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex
change."

The guys are amazed, but  very curious about the
process."What was the most painful part of the process?
Was it when they cut 'It' off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your 'Other Stuff'?" "That was very
painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This
went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said,  "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like
it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up
her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat
any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if
she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my
God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

Others can stop you temporarily,
but only you can do it permanently.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Drink Recipe
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drinkrecipe.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drinkrecipe.shtml ">Drink Recipe</a>

Special Site For You To See
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/specialsite.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/specialsite.shtml ">Special Site For
You To See</a>

Pity The Poor Snowman
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snowmanpity.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snowmanpity.shtml ">Pity The Poor
Snowman</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Q What do you call nuts on a wall?
A 'Walnuts'.

Q What do you call nuts on a chest?
A 'Chestnuts'

Q What do you call nuts on a chin?
A A blow-job.

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

The Egyptians used a value of pi with an error of less than one
in ten thousand when they built the pyramids.

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. I don't
like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody
stupid with it."

"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever,
we've only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that
illness I used to get once a month."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

This Is NOT A Great Incentive
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badincentive.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badincentive.shtml ">This Is NOT A
Great Incentive</a>

Piece Of Your Mind Warning
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/yourmind.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/yourmind.shtml ">Piece Of Your Mind
Warning</a>

Taking The Cola Challenge
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/colachallenge.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/colachallenge.shtml ">Taking The Cola
Challenge</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A married couple were having a disagreement while
sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."

To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to
impossible."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A man ran into his ex-wife at a restaurant in New
York. Being a sophisticated person, he said to her,
"Would you be interested in making love ONE more time,
for old times' sake?"

She said "Over MY dead body."

And he said, "Why not?  That's the way we always USED
to do it."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Not Too Shabby
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notshabby.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notshabby.shtml ">Not Too Shabby</a>

Be Thankful You Didn't Get These Hats For Xmas
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badhats.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badhats.shtml ">Be Thankful You
Didn't Get These Hats For Xmas</a>

Now That We Broke Up, Good Luck Trying
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/goodlucktrying.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/goodlucktrying.shtml ">Now That We
Broke Up, Good Luck Trying</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A WELSH rugby fan chopped off his testicles after his
country's epic victory over England. Geoff Huish, 26,
was so convinced England would triumph he told friends
at a social club: "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off."
They thought he was joking but he went home after the
match, severed them with a knife and returned to show
his mates what he had done. Staff dialed the emerency
number and put the testicles in a pint glass filled
with ice cubes.

Geoff was "seriously ill" in hospital yesterday with
his family at his bedside. He will need cosmetic surgery
and may be given a prosthetic scrotum. Another fan who
was with Geoff at Leigh Social Club in Caerphilly, Mid
Glamorgan, said: "He came back later wearing a kilt
with his testicles in a bag. "He lifted the kilt up to
show everyone what he had done. There was blood everywhere,
it was terrible. That's when he collapsed." Another club-
goer said: "We're all in a state of shock, no one can believe
what happened. He must have been in terrific pain.

"It was amazing he could walk the 200 yards from his house
back to the club." Police said Geoff had a history of mental
problems. "The incident is closed as far as we are concerned,"
a spokeswoman added. A family member said: "Geoff's had his
problems in the past but has been on medication. We're just
grateful he will live." Dr Ian Banks, of the Men's Health
Forum said: "This is a horrific injury. There are so many
veins down there, I'm surprised he didn't bleed to death."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on
the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants
pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and
she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't
spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.
Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober
him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]    J A Z Z    ' N '    J A C K B O O T S    [||||]

"Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will marry at a town hall
in Windsor instead of Windsor Castle."  (USA/2/17)

[]   The Castle had already been rented to Prince Harry who's hosting
the annual April costume ball, "Springtime For Hitler."

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one
in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said,
"yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes
to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and
yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether
it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand
a thing!

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

The daughter of one of my friends worked for a local toy store. One
day she discovered her locker at work had been broken into and her
purse stolen - including the keys to her new pickup. She went out
to the parking lot and, sure enough, her pickup was gone. A few
days later her truck was back in the store parking lot. It had been
painted a different color but still had the same license plates!
The truck had been stolen by another employee of the same store.

The thief insisted the truck was his. When questioned about the
license plates, he changed his story. He said the real owner let
him drive the truck because she wanted a new paint job. Needless to
say, the police didn't buy his story and he was hauled off to the
local lockup.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Why is life like a penis?

Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

I'm Still No Good at Basketball

In each person's life, there are those defining moments -- the moments
that make us who we are. Moments that, if our life was a movie, older
voiceover versions of us would say, "at that moment, I knew my life
would never be the same."

I had one of those moments when I joined the 8th grade wrestling team.
It was a proud time for me, and one that I've cherished for lo, these
past 24 years.

It happened after I had failed in my rather laughable attempt to join
the 8th grade basketball team. I remember my first -- and last -- day of
tryouts. The coach, Mr. Johnson, split us into two groups, the kids who
had basketball talent out the wazoo, and the hopeless klutzes who
couldn't identify a basketball in three tries.

I was in the second group, having previously identified the basketball
as "a funny looking ball" and "a basket of kittens." I wasn't much of a
basketball player, since I had spent the past four years playing soccer.

Mr. Johnson went off with the new McKinley Middle School Fighting
Watchamacallits. Meanwhile, the wrestling coach, Mr. Reed, helped Mr.
Johnson by watching the rest of us for any signs of greatness.

He was asleep in five minutes.

A few years earlier, I had the misfortune of having Mr. Reed as my grade
school gym teacher. Mr. Reed was a jerk of a teacher who made himself
feel superior by making little kids feel like athletic dopes. He didn't
do things like humiliate us on the climbing ropes. He was more of the
sneer-and-cutting-comment kind of gym teacher.

"That's the worst game of dodge ball I've ever seen a bunch of
eight-year-old boys play! The girls throw better than you, and they
throw like girls!"

I never liked the guy, so you can imagine my disappointment when I
learned he had followed me to middle school.

I knew I wasn't going to make the basketball team, but I tried anyway. I
held onto a slim hope that maybe I would impress Mr. Johnson, that he
would happen to be looking away from his new stars and watch me make an
incredible play. He did. Right at the very moment I was chasing down a
loose ball and kicked it out of bounds.

I told you I wasn't good at basketball.

Needless to say, I wasn't too surprised when my name wasn't on the new
team roster. But I still wanted to do something sports-related that
winter. So I swallowed my pride and asked Mister Reed if there were
still any openings on the wrestling team.

I'll never forget what he said. He looked at me briefly, and then turned
to walk away.

"Sure, Deckers, we take losers," he called over his shoulder. "Be at the
wrestling room after school."

(At that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. . . ?)

Wow, thanks Mister Reed. There's nothing like words of encouragement
from an alleged role model to make an impressionable youth feel accepted
and overwhelmed with self-worth.

Something inside me snapped. I was no longer a 13-year-old boy, I was a
maelstrom of destruction. As Mr. Reed walked away, I leaped on his back
and tried to put him in a chokehold I had watched Dick the Bruiser do on
pro wrestling.

Okay, that didn't really happen. Not even close. I didn't do anything.

I didn't even point out that since he was our coach, that made him the
head loser, because I was not that clever or quick back then. Instead, I
did what any 13-year-old basketball reject would do. I joined the
wrestling team.

But I swore that someday I would show Mr. Reed how wrong he was. And
now, as an adult, I can. I could call him up and remind him of that day,
and see if I could make him cry with guilt. I could use the wrestling
skills he taught me, and pin him in a moment of irony and poetic
justice. I could even -- if I felt like it -- write an entire column
about how I, at 13-years-old, thought he was a mouth-breathing,
pigeon-toed jerk.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

But I don't know where he lives. And I haven't wrestled in 24 years. So
the last option is my only one. Besides, I'm not too worried about doing
this in a written column, because he won't read it anyway. My column
doesn't appear on the sports page.

That, and his lips would get too tired trying to read this far.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.