ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Ok lets get all the updates out ... first I don't know if there
will be any issues next week. I am off to a mid-week conference
and have to get a lot done before I leave. The conference starts
on Wednesday morning ... but I have a four hour drive to get
there so I have to leave Tuesday night and I won't be back until
late Friday ... so just have to see what happens.
Also since Monday is Valentine's Day ... I would like to wish
you all a happy one. I have included some humour for lovers
in this issue ... so make sure you have some fun with yours.
Did everyone have enough of the Superbowl this weekend? This
is the first Superbowl I haven't watched in years ... I HATE NFL
football... but always watch the Superbowl for the commercials.
This year I only caught the half-time show (Sir Paul) and some
of the second half ... but if you want to see the commercials
they are available online at:
<a href=" http://dyn.ifilm.com/superbowlads/
">Superbowl Ads</a>
http://dyn.ifilm.com/superbowlads/
AND if you need a good cry then check out this car:
<a href=" http://www.ehowa.com/features/blackdiablo.shtml
">Crying Car</a>
http://www.ehowa.com/features/blackdiablo.shtml
To appreciate the humour you have to scroll through all the pics!
And last but not least ... Saturday marks the SIXTH birthday of
this ezine ... time flies when you are having fun. An archival
history of almost every issue is available here:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
">Archive</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Stan, Laura, Jack,
Carole, Janie, Dave, Bug Smasher.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What did the man say to the toothpaste model after she gave him oral sex?
"Wow! Those are the whitest teeth I've ever come across."
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
<Does FREE really mean FREE? ... It does this time ... try it and see!>
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16
">F-R-E-E E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
http://www.iwnl.net/?16
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[Special Bonus - Editorial]
Digestion and True Love Can Be Moving Experiences
by Kristen Twedt
Valentine's Day gets me to thinking about the romantic events of my
life. Both of them. I don't remember my very first kiss. The boy's
name was Glen. We were four or five and lived next door to each
other. He had a dog, and I had a dog. We played in the pine straw
in each other's back yards and got along like pups and puddles.
I'm a little fuzzy on details, but my parents still have a photo of
the two of us sitting together on a recliner. Glen is kissing me on
the cheek, I think. It is evidence of our mutual admiration for each
other and the fact that cooties were not yet operative words in our
vocabulary. I'm not sure I remember all that much about the kiss.
The memory that does emerge is far from sweet and romantic. It
involves Glen's dog and an early lesson in the dynamics of
digestion.
Glen's dog was a big dog, one of those goofy breeds with a great
attitude and a ravenous appetite. One day, we noticed that his dog
had something hanging from her rear other than her tail. It was a
bread sack. The plastic dangled from her posterior end, the disgusting
telltale remnant of her latest foray into garbage can dining.
Occasionally, she would fretfully chase her bottom in circles, to no
avail. The bag remained, the colorful logo clearly visible as she
whirled. Round and round, she gave chase in hot pursuit of the thing
that tormented her. She growled at herself, and we laughed.
Eventually, the bread bag succumbed to the inevitable and the dog fell
into a stupor of relief.
What, you might ask, does a bread sack and a dog's butt have to do with
Valentine's Day? Little, perhaps.
But, if you think about the elusive nature of true love, the endless
attempts to grab it, the uncertainty that we will ever taste it, the
fact that we all hope to be set free from the fear of rejection and
eliminate the possibility that we will be stuck with a real pain in
the ass, a bread bag up a dog's Hershey Highway might have more in
common with Valentine's Day than one might think.
Perhaps the message is simply this: Let nature take its course in
matters of love and digestion, and things will always work outin the
end.
--
Kristen Twedt is a columnist for The Hattiesburg American in Hattiesburg,
MS and commentator for Mississippi Public Broadcasting. Visit her Web site
at www.kristentwedt.com.
You can write to her about your weird fetishes,
fixations and other funny stuff at kristen@kristentwedt.com
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Jimmy Merchant rock vocalist (Frankie Lymon &
Teenagers-Why Do Fools Fall In Love)
1940 Hamish Imlach folk singer/comic
1940 Mary Rand-Bignal-Toomey England, long jumper (Olympics-gold-1964)
1940 Peter Middleton CEO (Lloyd's)
1941 John Hampshire cricketer (of Yorkshire Century on debut for England 1969)
1941 Michael Apted director/researcher (Granada TV)
1942 Michael Bishop CEO (British Midland Airways)
1943 Ral Donner [Ralph Stuart], Black Mountain NC, singer (Starfires)
1944 Peter Allen Australia, singer/pianist (I Go to Rio, Legs Diamond)
1945 John Hayes Secretary-General (British Law Society)
1945 Klas Tuinstra Dutch MP (CDA)
1946 Donovan [P Leech] Scotland, rocker (Mellow Yellow)
1946 Keith Mans MP
1948 Conrad Cummings composer
1949 Joe Lavender NFLer
1950 Gail Rebuck CEO (Random House)
1950 Mark Spitz Modesto CA, swimmer (Olympics-9 gold/silver/bronze-68, 72)
1950 Mike Rutherford rocker (Genesis-Against All Odds, Mike & Mechanics)
1951 Roxanne Pulitzer Glendale CA, author (The Prize Pulitzer)
1951 Zeudi Araya Asmara Ethiopia, Miss Ethiopia (1969)
1952 Mike Varty NFLer
1953 Carl Joseph Stone composer
1953 John Shirley US, sci-fi author (Eclipse Penumbra, Eclipse Corona)
1955 Greg[ory John] Norman Queensland Australia, PGA golfer "The White
Shark" (1984 Kemper)
1955 Lusia Mae Harris Minter City MS, basketball player (Olympics-silver-76)
1957 Debbie Brinkley Tasmania, golfer (1990 T25 Victorian Open)
1957 Pranab Roy cricketer (son of Pankaj, Indian batsman 1982)
1958 Sharon Stone Meadville PA, actress (Basic Instinct, Total Recall)
1959 Tonga [Uliuli Fifita], wrestler (WCW/WAR/WWF, Ming, Haku, Islanders)
1960 Lionel Cartwright Ohio, country vocalist (I Watched it on the Radio)
1961 David Ward cricketer (prolific Surrey batsman)
1961 Eva Pfaff West Germany, tennis star
1961 George Stephanopoulos presidential adviser (Clinton)
1962 Cliff Burton rocker (Metallica)
1962 Jean-Marie Banos Lavelanet France, Canada sabre (Olympics-9/10-88, 92, 96)
1963 Lenny Dykstra centerfielder (New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies)
1963 Bennie Thompson NFLer (Saints, Chiefs, Cleveland Browns/Ravens)
1963 Harris Huizingh soccer player (FC Groningen)
1963 Joakim Nystrom Sweden, tennis star
1964 Francesca Neri Trento Italy, actress (Ages of Lulu)
1964 Mir Aimal Kansi Quetta Pakistan, murderer (FBI Most Wanted)
1964 Roger Reijners soccer player (MVV)
1964 Sam Graddy Gaffney SC, 4x100 meter runner (Olympics-gold-1984)
1965 Lenny Webster New Orleans LA, catcher (Montral Expos)
1965 Marjolein Macrander Dutch actress (Drowned)
1966 Daryl Johnston NFL running back (Dallas Cowboys)
1967 Laura Dern Los Angeles CA, actress (Blue Velvet, Mask, Small Talk)
1967 Bradley Hughes Mordialloc Victoria Australia, Australasia golfer
1967 Dwayne "Road Grader" White NFLer (New York Jets, St Louis)
1968 Peter Popovic Koping Sweden, NHL defenseman (Montral Canadiens)
1968 Ryan Bowen US baseball pitcher (Florida Marlins)
1969 Jayhawk Owens Cincinnati OH, catcher (Colorado Rockies)
1969 Tim Clark US baseball outfielder (Florida Marlins)
.....and on this day in history:
1940 "In The Mood" by Glenn Miller hits #1
1940 Tom & Jerry created by Hanna & Barbera debut by MGM
1940 US female Figure Skating championship won by Joan Tozzer
1940 US male Figure Skating championship won by Eugene Turner
1941 1st highway post office makes 1st trip, Washington DC-Harrisonburg, VA
1941 Anti-Nazi "Het Parool" begins publishing in Netherlands
1943 "Manifesto of Algerian People" calls for equality &
self-determination
1943 8th Army sweeps through North Africa to Tunisia
1943 Van der Veen Resistance starts fire in Amsterdam employment bureau
1944 Belgium resistance fighter/author Kamiel van Baelen arrested
1944 U-666/U-545/U-283 sink off Ireland
1945 "Rum & Coca Cola" by Andrews Sisters hits #1
1946 1st black pro-baseball player Jackie Robinson marries Rachel Isum
1947 Italy cedes most of Venezia Giulia to Yugoslavia
1947 Province of Petsamo returned to Soviet Union by Finland
1947 Netherlands Radio Union forms
1947 WWII peace treaties signed
1948 Greek General Markos' guerrilla army bombs Saloniki
1949 Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" opens at Morosco Theater,
NYC
1951 "John & Marsha" by Stan Freberg peaks at #21
1951 Shah of Persia marries 19 year old Soraja Esfandiara Bakhtiari
1953 Ice Dance Championship at Davos won by Jean Westwood & Lawrence Demmy
of Great Britain
1953 Ice Pairs Championship at Davos won by Jennifer & John Nicks of Great
Britain
1953 Ladies Figure Skating Championship in Davos won by Tenley Albright USA
1953 Men's Figure Skating Champion in Davos won by Hayes Alan Jenkins USA
1954 Eisenhower warns against US intervention in Vietnam
1954 Ice Dance Championship at Oslo won by Jean Westwood/Lawrence Demmy Great
Britain
1954 Ice Pairs Championship at Oslo won by Frances Dafoe/Norris Bowden CAN
1954 Ladies Figure Skating Championship in Oslo won by Gundi Busch Germany
1954 Men's Figure Skating Championship in Oslo won by Hayes Alan Jenkins US
1956 "My Friend Flicka" premieres on CBS (later NBC) TV
1956 Elvis Presley records "Heartbreak Hotel" for RCA
1957 Fay Crocker wins LPGA Serbin Golf Open
1957 Southern Christian Leadership Conference forms
1959 Dutch Princess Wilhelmina publishes "Lonely, but not alone"
1959 Tornado in St Louis kills 19 & injures 265
1960 "Unsinkable Molly Brown" closes at Winter Garden NYC after 532
performances
1960 Charles Ives' "Lincoln, the Great Commoner" premieres
1961 AFL's Los Angeles Chargers move to San Diego
1961 Niagara Falls hydroelectric project begins producing power
1961 Walter Piston's 7th Symphony, premieres
1962 Jim Beatty sets American indoor mile record (3 minutes 58.9 seconds) in
Los Angeles CA
1962 USSR swaps spy Francis Gary Power to US for Rudolph Abel
1963 Mickey Wright wins LPGA St Petersburg Women's Golf Open
1963 US female Figure Skating championship won by Lorraine Hanlon
1963 US male Figure Skating championship won by Thomas Litz
1964 Australian destroyer "Voyager" sinks in collision, killing 82
1964 Destroyer Voyager sinks off Australia after colliding with aircraft
carrier Melbourne
1964 WBGU TV channel 27 in Bowling Green OH (PBS) begins broadcasting
1966 Harmel government in Belgium resigns
1967 25th Amendment (Presidential Disability & Succession) in effect
1968 "Spooky" by Classics IV hits #3
1968 Peggy Fleming wins Olympics figure skating gold medal, Grenoble, France
1969 LSU Pete Maravich scores 66, despite losing to Tulane 101-94
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a
rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic
second line.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with
you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other. Until, that is, I met
your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide
your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; this describes everything
you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace but don't take that paper bag
off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at
telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed
up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake
up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to
smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell eexcept for maybe "go to
hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Mr 13 per cent looks for love
by John Martin
Hey, have you seen any icy-cool, super-intelligent women
with big, pointy ears around? I only ask this because I
have been surfing the Internet for Valentine's Day sites.
One, dubbed the Love Calculator, told me that my relationship
with my wife Katherine has only a 13 per cent chance of
success.
Another site told me how to say I Love You in more than 50
languages and dialects, including Klingon and Vulcan. Well,
I cannot speak for Captain Kirk, of the USS Enterprise, who,
as I recall, was on a inter-gallactical quest to boldly go
where no man has been before, but I do not find Klingon
women all that attractive.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.dunno.com.au/valentine.html ">John
Martin</a>
http://www.dunno.com.au/valentine.html
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
Berserk Briefs, satire-by-sroka, Unpublished Proceedings and the
World Famous Calendars/Short Stories..exclusively at
paulsfunhouse.com
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
And I Have Something For You Too
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valsong.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valsong.shtml ">And I
Have Something
For You Too</a>
No Chocolate For You My Valentine
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nochocolate.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nochocolate.shtml ">No
Chocolate For
You My Valentine</a>
Mower Mishap
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mowermishap.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mowermishap.shtml
">Mower Mishap</a>
Why I Don't Do Housework
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tolduso.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tolduso.shtml ">Why I
Don't Do
Housework</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I
go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is
in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the
lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the
TV?" I
said "Dust!"
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
everyday items with new uses -- trivia
<a href=" http://www.wackyuses.com/weird.html
">wacky uses</a>
http://www.wackyuses.com/weird.html
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The third grade was being given a course in first aid. The question
was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who
swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, one of the students answered, "I'd climb through the
window!"
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down"
in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action
from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what
would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well
these folks found out the HARD way!
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html">Lovers
Caught On Tape</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her
class one morning and she asked the question, "When
you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body
goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
" Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your
hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think
its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her
face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would
be your legs?
Little Johnny said," Well I walked into mommy and daddy's
bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in
the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad
hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Can I Get Him For Valentines Day?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vdayguy2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vdayguy2.shtml ">Can I
Get Him For
Valentines Day?</a>
Lets Monkey Around For Valentines Day
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valmon2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valmon2.shtml ">Lets
Monkey Around
For Valentines Day</a>
Not Tonight Wilbur
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nottonight.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nottonight.shtml ">Not
Tonight
Wilbur</a>
Stolen Toilets
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stolen.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stolen.shtml ">Stolen
Toilets</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that
improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed
there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery.
He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing
it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.
The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One
reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day,
accidentally turning the power switch on."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
The one millionth digit after the decimal point in the definition of pi is a
1... i.e 3.141.............1
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While
dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened
and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to
retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing
to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach
it." Try further
down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by
everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered
to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind
that!" she cried.
"Just get the necklace."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Pimp Valentine
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pimpval.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pimpval.shtml ">Pimp
Valentine</a>
Valentine Surprise
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valsurprise.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valsurprise.shtml
">Valentine
Surprise</a>
Secretarial Job Applicant
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/applicant.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/applicant.shtml
">Secretarial Job
Applicant</a>
Sobriety Test
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sobrietytest.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sobrietytest.shtml
">Sobriety
Test</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had
changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the
ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told
him it was coming out of his allowance."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Computer got you down? Get Help NOW!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/6.html
">Help Desk</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Sam and his wife, Anni live in New Jersey. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can
get through." Anni goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."
Anni goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and
Anni is very upset.
With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what
to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow
can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Sam says, Why don't you just leave
it in the garage this time?"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Yes I'm In Love With You
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentine2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentine2.shtml ">Yes
I'm In Love
With You</a>
Superman Has Super Gas
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/supergas.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/supergas.shtml
">Superman Has Super
Gas</a>
The Good and Bad News
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz3.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz3.shtml ">The Good
and Bad
News</a>
Can You Guess What This Blonde Is Doing??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blondeaction.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blondeaction.shtml
">Can You Guess
What This Blonde Is Doing??</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A bored granny has been given a three year suspended prison
sentence after staging a fake bank robbery as a practical
joke. The 80-year-old, named only as Elfriede for legal
reasons, threatened a cashier at a bank in Lower Austria with
a toy pistol and hissed: "This is a stick up." Then she started
to laugh when she saw the cashier's terrified face. The bank
employee said: "My heart stopped for a second. But when she
started laughing I realised that it was just a joke."
The pensioner told the court this week that she had done it
"for a laugh". The judge warned the pensioner that she would
not be let off so lightly if she re-offends in the next three
years. Elfriede replied: "If I live that long. But thanks."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the
past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of
them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance
with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't
be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather
sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni,
and would rather shit in her pants."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] W I L L Y O
U B E R E A D Y
? [||||]
"Impotence drug sales below expectations as ads increase."
(USA/2/3)
[] Competition is so---- no pun intended---- stiff that Viagra,
Cialis
and Levitra are in a bidding war to sign Woody Woodpecker as a marketing
symbol.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering
from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by
tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic
cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis,
rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled
through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag
as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are
over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the
robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to
the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the
police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got
off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While
dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened
and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to
retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing
to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach
it." Try further
down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by
everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered
to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind
that!" she cried.
"Just get the necklace."
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"PROMOTING FAIRNESS AND TURBAN AWARENESS"
Good evening and welcome to the National Diversity
Conference, co-sponsored by the President's Commission to
Promote Greater Understanding and the drug Levitra. Today,
I'd like to talk to you about a group of people who are
often misunderstood: the turban-wearers.
Perhaps you've seen them walking around. Perhaps you've
shared an elevator with them. Perhaps you've even had the
pleasure of sitting next to them on a plane.
Most of them are quite friendly. They will smile at you,
shake your hand and say "hello," even if they have to
interrupt your "Dear God, please save me, I'm not ready to
die" prayer. They will help you off your knees and offer to
get you some medication for your shaky hands and pounding
heart. They may even offer to get you some clean underwear.
They're no different from other people, except they follow a
religion that requires them to wear a turban. And because of
that, they've had to endure various offenses and hardships:
being linked to Osama bin Laden and his kind, being
physically and verbally attacked, being asked to remove
their turbans at security checkpoints, being expected to
grant people three wishes.
Turban discrimination is a major problem in America and it's
about time we did something about it. That's why President
Bush, on my recommendation, has decided to officially
proclaim March as "Hug Your Turbaned Friend Month."
Each day of the month will bear a special designation. For
example, March 7 will be "Turban Awareness Day," March 15
will be "Turban History Day," and March 20 will be "Bring
Your Turbaned Friend to Work Day."
On Turban Awareness Day, we will try to make ourselves aware
of all the turbaned people around us -- and not just when
we're sitting on a plane. We will notice the doctor at the
local hospital who wears a turban, the professor at the
local university who wears a turban, the owner of the Indian
restaurant who wears a turban. We will notice them all and
we'll try not to panic. We'll try to understand that they're
not up to any mischief, that even the restaurant owner isn't
trying to kill us with his hot curry.
We will also become aware that not all turban-wearers are
Muslims. Many are Sikhs, belonging to a religion that
originated in India a few centuries ago. Sikhism requires
its followers to show their devotion in various ways, but
last I checked, hijacking planes wasn't one of them.
We will learn that a turban isn't a hat -- it can't be
removed at a moment's notice, can't be taken off to comply
with a restaurant's dress code, can't be doffed to show
respect to Her Majesty Queen Latifah. Asking a Sikh to take
off his turban is like asking a female pop singer not to
take anything off. It just isn't done.
We will offer some simple "turban tips" to airport security
people. That way, they won't have to look stupid when
explaining a turban search to higher authorities, as
demonstrated in the following skit.
Security person: "I heard a ticking sound. I consulted the
boss and he said, 'It's dis turban.' So I decided to search
de man's turban."
Boss: "You idiot! I didn't say it's dis turban. I said it's
disturbin'. If you don't change your ways, you'll keep
bringing us dishonor."
Security person: "Thank you, boss. I couldn't have brought
us dis honor without you."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com