ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

I am sure that women were put onto this earth just to confuse
men!  Take my wife (please?) ... yesterday she feeds me beans
for supper and then complains when I fart in bed!  Hasn't she
ever read about beans causing people to fart? It happens ...
get over it ... and besides its so cold here right now that
we can use all the extra heat we can find!  ;)  I have one
hell of a fart story that I could tell ... but I made a promise
not to ... but it just aches to get told ...so one day ... when
you least expect it ... my amazing fart story just may come
out.  It caused me the biggest laugh I have ever had ... and
still causes it now when I think about it.  Promises were
made to be broken right?  But not today.  ;)

As for the eBay thing ... from all the subscribers I only got
ONE person that sent me anything eBay related ... but it was
a great one .. The eBay Song:
<a href=" <http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html>http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html ">eBay Song</a>
<http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html>http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html
This one is well worth the listen to.  And if anyone has any
WEIRD or UNUSUAL items from eBay listings ... send them
to me ... lets see how weird eBay really is!

By now you have noticed that this issue is REALLY late ... oh well ...
stuff happens ... and real life got in the way.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Dave, Stan, Jack, Ron,
Unicorn, Janie, Barbara, Pat.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

<Does FREE really mean FREE? ... It does this time ... try it and see!>

Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16 ">F-R-E-E  E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My
dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My
mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like
you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

 1940   Nick Nolte Omaha NB, actor (Under Fire, Lorenzo's Oil, Teachers, 48 Hours, North Dallas 40)
1940 Susan Clark Ontario, actress (Katherine-Webster)
1940 Ted Koppel Lancashire England, newscaster (ABC Nightline)
1940 Averil Cameron British historian
1940 Talib Rasul Hakim composer
1941 Tom Rush New Hampshire, rock guitarist/vocalist (Circle Game, Urge For Going)
1942 Robert Klein Bronx, comedian/actor (Hooper, Deadly Rivals)
1942 Fritz Peterson baseball pitcher (New York Yankees)
1942 Terry Melcher Rip Chords, Doris Day's son
1943 Bob Oliver baseball player
1943 Creed Bratton California, rock guitarist (Grass Roots-Sooner or Later)
1943 Jose de Almeida Prado composer
1944 Bunky Henry golfer
1944 Jim Capaldi rocker (Traffic)
1946 Paul Wheatbread rocker (Gary Puckett & Union Gap-Young Girl)
1946 "Fito" Adolpho De La Parra Los Angeles CA, rocker (Canned Heat-Hot Money)
1947 Sam Gannon cricketer (Australia lefty quick, 3 Tests vs India 1977-78)
1948 Dan Seals McCamey TX, vocalist (England Dan & John Ford Coley-I'd Really Love to See You Tonight, Nights Are Forever Without You, Meet Me in Montana)
1949 Brooke Adams New York NY, actress (Cynthia-OK Crackerby, Body Snatchers)
1949 Scott Allen USA, skater (Olympics-bronze-1964)
1949 Julia Barr Fort Wayne IN, actress (Brooke-All My Children)
1950 Jose Armando Lopez-Falcon Cuba, cosmonaut
1950 Michael Goodroe rock bassist (Motels-Only the Lonely)
1950 Ted Turner rocker (Wishbone Ash)
1951 Camille LaPierre NHLer
1952 Nancy Lord Libertarian Vice-President candidate (1992)
1952 Hans Van de Lubbe Dutch bassist/singer (Dike)
1953 Mary Steenburgen Newport AR, actress (Parenthood, Time After Time)
1954 "Sensational" Sherri Martel [Russell], New Orleans LA, wrestler (WWF/AWA)
1955 Ethan Phillips actor (Neelix-Star Trek Voyager)
1955 Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart wrestler (WWF/WCW/NJPW/CWFI/Calgary)
1955 John Grisham writer (Client, Firm, Pelican Brief)
1958 Barry Miller New York NY, actor (Joe & Sons, Szysznyk)
1959 Irina Kalinina USSR, springboard diver (Olympics-gold-1980)
1959 Pamela Jean Bryant Indianapolis IN, playmate (April, 1978)
1959 Heinz Gunthardt Switzerland, tennis star
1960 Dino Ciccarelli Ontario, NHL right wing (Minnesota North Stars, Washington Capitals)
1960 Alex Scott British horse trainer
1960 Linda Fratianne Los Angeles CA, figure skater (Olympics-silver-1980)
1961 Sammy Llanas rocker (Bodeans)
1961 Vince Neil [Wharton] California, rock vocalist (Mtley Cre-Girls Girls Girls)
1963 Mohammad Azharuddin cricketer (elegant Indian batsman 1984-)
1963 Raleigh McKenzie NFL center/guard (Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers)
1964 Dennis Gibson NFL inside linebacker (San Diego Chargers)
1965 Carmen Savy Brisbane Queensland, golfer (1990 Brisbane & District)
1965 Jim Thornton NFL tight end (Houston Oilers)
1965 Lee Knight CFL full back (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1965 Mathilda May Paris France, actress (Lifeforce)
1965 Rod Bernstine NFL running back (Denver Broncos)
1965 Terry McDaniel NFL cornerback (Oakland Raiders, Los Angeles Raiders)
1966 Gary Coleman Zion IL, actor (Arnold-Diff'rent Strokes)
1966 Kirk Muller Kingston, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1967 Yvon Corriveau Ontario, NHL left wing (Washington Capitals)
1968 Joy Fawcett Inglewood CA, soccer defender (Olympics-96)
1968 Ron Goetz CFL linebacker (Saskatchewan Roughriders)
1969 Herb Hohenberger hockey defenseman (Team Austria 1998)
1969 Mary McCormack actress, (Murder One, Private Parts)

.....and on this day in history:

 1940  Lewis & Hamilton's musical "Two for the Show" premieres in New York NY
1940 Lodtz, 1st large ghetto established by Nazis in Poland
1941 Japanese armored barges cross Strait of Johore to attack Singapore
1941 NSB'er Max Blokzijl begins Nazi propaganda on Dutch radio
1942 Congress advises FDR that, Americans of Japanese descent should be locked up en masse so they wouldn't oppose the US war effort
1942 Stravinsky's "Danses Concertantes" premieres in Los Angeles
1943 Red Army recaptures Kursk
1944 1st black reporter accredited to the White House, Harry McAlpin
1944 U-762 sunk off Ireland
1945 Allied air attack on Goch/Kleef/Kalkar/Reichswald
1946 Bla Bartks 3rd Concert for piano/orchestra premieres in Philadelphia PA
1946 Premier Salazar of Portugal forbids opposition parties
1947 Jan van der Hoorn wins 8th Dutch 11-cities skating race (10:51)
1947 KSD (now KSDK) TV channel 5 in St Louis MO (NBC) begins broadcasting
1948 5th Winter Olympics games close at St Moritz, Switzerland
1949 Hungarian Cardinal Mindszenty sentenced to life in prison
1952 "RCA Victor Show Starring Dennis Day" debuts on NBC TV
1953 Betty Jameson wins LPGA Serbin Golf Open
1953 WLVA (now WSET) TV channel 13 in Lynchburg-Roanoke VA (ABC) begins
1955 Malenkov resigns as USSR premier, Bulganin replaces him
1956 Mine disaster in Quaregnon Belgium, 8 die
1957 San Francisco Public Library's bookmobile initiated in front of City Hall
1958 Edgar Whitehead succeeds Garfield Todd as premier of South Rhodesia
1958 French planes bomb Sakiet Tunisia, 75 die
1958 KIRO TV channel 7 in Seattle WA (CBS) begins broadcasting
1960 Boston Celtic Bill Russell becomes 1st NBAer with 50 rebounds (51)
1960 Congress opens hearings looking into payola
1962 KACB TV channel 3 in San Angelo TX (NBC) begins broadcasting
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 1st transmission of Clandestine Voice of Iraqi People (Communist)
1963 AFL's Dallas Texans become Kansas City Chiefs
1963 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1964 Peter Shaffer's "Royal Hunt of the Sun" premieres in London
1964 Representative Martha Griffiths address gets civil rights protection for women being added to the 1964 Civil Rights Act
1965 Eastern DC-7B crashes into Atlantic off Jones Beach NJ, kills 84
1965 Supremes release "Stop In the Name of Love"
1967 French Diadme D-1C satellite launches into Earth orbit
1967 Longest losing streak in Toronto Maple Leaf history (10 games)
1967 Pirate Radio UKGM (England) closes down
1967 Peter (Asher) & Gordon (Waller) discontinue their singing partnership
1967 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1968 Officers kill 3 students demonstrating in South Carolina State (Orangeburg)
1969 Meteorite weighing over 1 ton falls in Chihuahua, Mxico
1969 Last edition of Saturday Evening Post

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Bubba was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a
notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Bubba could
not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked
the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to be
true Bubba said "OK then could I have a sweater for a chicken?"

The salesperson said "A sweater for a chicken?  Hold on I will have to
check the stock out the back."  Five minutes later, the salesperson
returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one sweater for a
chicken"

"How much?" asked Bubba. "Three dollars." replied the salesperson.

"Three dollars for a sweater for a chicken - excellent." said Bubba. So
away he went as happy as can be. When he got outside he thought to
himself that maybe he should check out his purchase, so he looked inside
the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the
salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a sweater for a chicken and you have
given me a condom - what's going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry buddy, I checked in the back and we seem
to be all out of sweaters for chickens, all we had left was a pullover
for a cock."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

Cabin Fever

Do you want to be a snow bunny?  Are you tired of spending
winter cooped up in the house.  Do you want to go to a
romantic winter lodge and ski down the bunny slope?  Do you
want to feel the wind and the spray of the snow in your face?
Do you want to sit by the stone fireplace and drink hot
buttered rum?

Winter wouldn't be so bad except for the weather. But the
stupid groundhog saw his shadow and six more weeks of winter
dreariness are ahead. December is gone and January bleakness
has faded into February's harshness.

Not even a romantic holiday like Valentine's Day, or the
numerous other holidays in February, can fix a cheerless month
whose only redeeming factor is that it is short.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/cabinfever.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/cabinfever.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of
them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

A New Way To Wash The Dishes
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dishes.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dishes.shtml ">A New Way To Wash The
Dishes</a>

Which Airline Would You Choose
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/air.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/air.shtml ">Which Airline Would You
Choose</a>

Grampa Wants To Show Off His Fish But Oooopppssss
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grampaoops.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grampaoops.shtml ">Grampa Wants To
Show Off His Fish But Oooopppssss</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[English Humour!]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and
emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the
bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the
back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer
so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Hallo", he says.

"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles
and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely
Bin?"

"OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a wank."

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

get revenge on your friends with public humiliation

<a href=" http://www.strangereports.com/ ">strange reports</a>
http://www.strangereports.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Bubba was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a
notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Bubba could
not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked
the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to be
true Bubba said "OK then could I have a sweater for a chicken?"

The salesperson said "A sweater for a chicken?  Hold on I will have to
check the stock out the back."  Five minutes later, the salesperson
returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one sweater for a
chicken"

"How much?" asked Bubba. "Three dollars." replied the salesperson.

"Three dollars for a sweater for a chicken - excellent." said Bubba. So
away he went as happy as can be. When he got outside he thought to
himself that maybe he should check out his purchase, so he looked inside
the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the
salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a sweater for a chicken and you have
given me a condom - what's going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry buddy, I checked in the back and we seem
to be all out of sweaters for chickens, all we had left was a pullover
for a cock."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

You May Be An EXTREME Redneck IF..

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this"
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

Last week was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of
little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves
a groundhog.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Never Mix Viagra With ExLax
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/viagexlax.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/viagexlax.shtml ">Never Mix Viagra
With ExLax</a>

Nuns Gone Wild
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nunsgonewild.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nunsgonewild.shtml ">Nuns Gone
Wild</a>

New Fuel Gauge For Todays Gas Prices
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fuelgauge.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fuelgauge.shtml ">New Fuel Gauge For
Todays Gas Prices</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event
in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me.
I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This
is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got
married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

The only word with all the vowels in reverse order is subcontinental

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

Three hillbilly's sitting around talking about their wives one
day, First hillbilly say's "my wifes so stupid , she bought a
new washer and dryer and we don't even have electricity", Second
hillbilly says,"awe that aie'n nothin, my wifes so stupid she
bought a new dishwasher and we don't have runnin' water", Third
hillbilly says "that ain't nothin, I looked in my wifes purse
yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of condoms, and she ain't
got no penis!"

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

Is He Getting A Coke OR Something Else??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cokeorbj.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cokeorbj.shtml ">Is He Getting A Coke
OR Something Else??</a>

Her Quit Smoking Program Is Working
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl35.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl35.shtml ">Her Quit Smoking
Program Is Working</a>

AssTrology
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/astrology.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/astrology.shtml ">AssTrology</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ


An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of
steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." She answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

            ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions
for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is
definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer
position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Arnold Then & Now
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/arnie.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/arnie.shtml ">Arnold Then & Now</a>

Spend Some Quality Time Together
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/together.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/together.shtml ">Spend Some Quality
Time Together</a>

Oh How The Ozzies Have Changed
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ozzies.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ozzies.shtml ">Oh How The Ozzies Have
Changed</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A German zoo has imported four female penguins from Sweden
in an effort to tempt its gay penguins to go straight. The
four Swedish females were dispatched to the Bremerhaven Zoo
in Bremen after it was found that three of the zoo's five
penguin pairs were homosexual. Keepers at the zoo ordered
DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they had
been mating for years without producing any chicks. It was
only then they realised that six of the birds were living
in homosexual partnerships.

Director Heike Kueck said that the zoo hoped to see some baby
penguins in the coming months. She said that the birds had
been mating for years and one couple even adopted a stone
that they protected like an egg. Kueck said that the project
has the support of the European Endangered Species Programme
because the penguins, which are native to South America, are
an endangered species. A biologist will be on hand to monitor
the experiment.

But introducing the Bremerhaven penguins to their new Swedish
friends may not be as successful as hoped after earlier
experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual
couples. In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown
in two new male penguins "so that the ladies don't miss out
altogether", Kueck added.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar
bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved
along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why
I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in
New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the
Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting
life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]       J O C K E Y ' S    L O U N G E        [||||]

"Some fans waited all night to get the best spots to see Jackson."
(USA/2/1)

[]   Well not the best, actually.  That would be in his bedroom.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all
kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little
appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find
nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from
depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor
did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife.
She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing
that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me
some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact,
violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in
prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you
this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love
her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for
loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."

The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir
in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor
hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.

After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well.
He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even
though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd
lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible.

The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"

The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made
love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled,
causing a terrible wheeze.

Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and
dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of
tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and
said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of
sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be
so God damn frisky."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

An Ashtabula, Ohio resident had a good plan to make some quick
cash. He ran into the Big Lots store in the Saybrook Plaza,
grabbed a woman's purse, ran out of the store, jumped in his
car and drove away. It was a pretty good plan - except for
one minor flaw. The victim and several other shoppers followed
the man out of the store and wrote down his license number as
he drove away. Ashtabula County Sheriff's Deputies, along with
officers from the Ashtabula Police Department soon arrived at
the suspect's house. His car was there - along with three female
friends. It turns out that two of the women were wanted on
outstanding warrants and the third woman was arrested on drug
charges. The purse snatcher remains at large and, for some
strange reason, doesn't seem to be in any hurry to return to
his house.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Why do stupid men put ice in their condoms?

To keep the swelling down.

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Diary of a Flu

6:00 am - Stupid alarm clock. I really -- oh jeez, I feel awful! Body
aches and I think I'm going to faint. Where is snooze button?

6:09  - Stupid alarm clock. Need to -- oh no. Have the flu. Gaah, legs
ache horribly. Can't even -- Gaah! Room won't quit spinning.

6:10 - So freakin' cold in here. Must have fever

6:15 - Realize can't think in complete sentences. Personal pronouns and
denominators dropped indiscriminately.

6:20 - Is this sign that fever is burning brain? Will I be silent
witness to own mental deterioration as brain slowly parboils inside
skull?

6:25 - No! That's stupid. I always hallucinate when I get the flu.

6:26 - There, see? I said "I." Not going stupid after all.

6:30 - Need to call the office and tell them not coming in.

6:45 - Did I actually call office, or just think that?

6:50 - There. Left a voice mail that I'm not coming in.

6:55 - Did I actually call office, or just think that?

7:00 - That should do it. Voice mail is so great. Inventor of voice mail
should be given parade and a medal. Will organize that as soon as am
well again.

7:05 - Did I actually call -- oh wait, yes I did.

7:06 - This is awful. Need drugs or herbs or healer from Dark Ages with
jar of leeches.

7:07 - Honey, wake up. I'm sick. Can you get me some Motrin?

7:10 - I'm so cold. It's freezing in here. And I'm out of blankets.
Where's my stupid Motrin?

7:15 - Honey, I'm sick. Where's Motrin?

7:16 - What do you mean I didn't ask for Motrin?

7:17 - Never mind, I'll get it myself.

8:30 - How did I end up on floor? So cold.

1974 - Mommy, can I go play with Doug? He got a new bike and he said I
could ride it.

9:30 - Still on floor. And it's freezing. And dark. Where's Motrin?

9:32 - Slowly our hero and his intrepid band made their way toward the
land of Motrin. They had to return the Ring to the Crack of Doom. It was
the only way to stop horrible aching in joints.

9:35 - Think I'm in bathroom. If I could open my eyes a little further,
I could tell. But that hurts my head. Ah, think I found the Motrin.

9:40 - Uh-oh. What happens if a guy takes Midol? It doesn't say anything
on the stupid bottle about side effects. Should call poison control
center.

9:45 - Never mind. Can't be that bad. I already feel like I'm going to
die, so what's the worst that can happen?

9:50 - Have sudden urge to walk on beach with my mother and talk about
personal freshness.

10:30 - How did I end up on bathroom floor? Was in bed just a few
minutes ago. Feel awful. Better call office and let them -- never mind.
Did that already.

10:45 - Better go downstairs. Check on children.

10:50 - Wheee! Sliding down stairs face first is fun. I'll have to do
that again later when I'm not so cold.

11:00 - Must be dead. Hear Mister Rogers voice calling me to other side.
Wants me to be his neighbor.

11:05 - Wait. Am on living room couch. Kids watching Mister Rogers.

11:10 - If I'm so sick, how do I have the presence of mind to write all
this down?

11:15 - Because I'm a writer. It's such a terrible burden to be such a
creative genius. We're on all the time. Even when sick, I can still be
funny.

11:20 - Two dogs walk into a bar. First one says "Ow my nose!"

11:21 - I crack myself up. Have to remember that for column.

11:30 - Oh no. Mister Rogers is over. Barely have strength to snap with
him at end of show. Feel like crying whenever he says -- oh goody,
Teletubbies is on.

11:45 - Gaah, Teletubbies are crawling on me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

11:46 - Oh wait, it's just the children.

11:47 - Kids, Daddy is sick. Can't crawl on me like that. Must stay on
couch.

11:50 - Yes, I know I'm not using personal pronouns. You don't need to
correct me about that, you're only four. And since when did you grow
wings?

12:30 pm - Am still on living room couch. Don't know where wife is.

12:31 - Kids, where's Mommy?

12:38 - What do you mean, she's sick? She can't be sick. I need help.
Tell Mommy I'm sicker.

1:00 - Ewww, you're right. She's sicker. Tell her she can clean it up
when she's better.

1:30 - Do you know how to call Grandma? Good. Call Grandma and have her
pick you guys up because Mommy and I are sick.

1:35 - What do you mean, Grandma got you 30 minutes ago? Then who have I
been talking to?

1:40 - Gaah! Teletubbies! Teletubbies are on me!!

4:00 - I'd better call the office and tell them I'm not coming in.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.