ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

I am guessing that things are only gonna get worse before they
get better... people on eBay will sell anything ... last week I read
in the newspaper that some guy was auctioning off parts of his
body to be PERMANENTLY tattooed with advertising.  And then
today I see this one: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3869933040
A woman is selling her pregnant belly to be advertised on.  Then
on the news today I saw a frying pan with (surposedly) Jesus'
image on it ... anyone wanna make bets on that one appearing
on eBay?  So here is your challenge ... if you see a really
weird eBay listing ... send it to me at paul@paulsfunhouse.com
... the best ones will get published and maybe YOU will even
win a prize.  Lets see how weird eBay really is.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Posen, Stan, Jack,
Jo, Carole, Janie.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

When Michael Jackson goes out to eat, what does he order from?

The childrens' menu!

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

<Does FREE really mean FREE? ... It does this time ... try it and see!>

Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16 ">F-R-E-E  E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage,

I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

 1940   Herve Filion sulky driver (1969 Canadian Sports Hall of Fame)
1941 Anatoliy Firssov USSR, ice hockey play (Olympics-gold-1964, 68, 72)
1941 Franco Nones Italy, 30K cross country skier (Olympics-gold-1968)
1941 Robert Walmsley British Vice-Admiral
1942 Bibi Besch Vienna Austria, actress (Star Trek 2, The Beast Within)
1942 Dave Sincock cricketer (chinaman bowler played for Australia 1964-66)
1942 Terry Jones Colwyn Bay North Wales, actor/comedian (Monty Python)
1943 Tina Sloan New York, actress (Lillian-Guiding Light, Search for Tomorrow)
1943 Josceline Dimbleby cookery writer
1943 Lord Mountevans
1944 Leo Burmester Louisville KY, actor (Flo, Chiefs, The Abyss, Odd Jobs)
1944 Tommy Duffy rocker (Echos)
1945 Ole Buck composer
1946 Bert Braverman Los Angeles CA, actor (Bobby-Vega$, Roy-New Odd Couple)
1947 Adam Ingram British MP
1947 Terry Hibbitt soccer star
1948 Debbie Austin LPGA golfer
1948 Jennifer Adams superintendent (Central Royal Parks)
1949 Jimmy Lee Thorpe Roxboro NC, PGA golfer (1985 Greater Milwaukee Open)
1951 Andrew Smith British MP
1951 Brandis Kemp Palo Alto CA, actress/comedienne (Fridays)
1952 Rick James [James Johnson], rock/soul/funk vocalist (Super Freak)
1953 Andy Mill skier/husband of Chris Evert
1953 C A Barnett headmaster (Whitgift School)
1954 Mike Campbell guitarist (Tom Petty & Heartbreakers-Breakdown)
1954 Billy Mumy California, actor (Will Robinson-Lost in Space, Dear Brigitte)
1955 Kate Ashbrook General Secretary (Open Spaces Society)
1957 Donna Adamek Duarte CA, bowler (BWAA Woman of Year 1978-81)
1958 Maureen Madill Coleraine Northern Ireland, golfer (British Open Amateur 1979)
1959 Anthony LaPaglia Adelaide South Australia, actor (Murder One, Criminal Justice, Betsy's Wedding)
1959 Carolyn Hill Santa Monica CA, LPGA golfer (1994 McCall's Classic)
1959 Mike Horan NFL punter (New York Giants)
1959 Wade Wilson NFL quarterback (Dallas Cowboys)
1961 Daniel M Tani Ridley Park MD, astronaut
1961 Gabrielle Carteris Phoenix AZ, actress (Beverly Hills 90210)
1961 Gina Hull Jacksonville FL, LPGA golfer (1989 USX Golf Classic-8th)
1964 Jani Lane rocker (Warrant-Cherry Pie)
1964 Dwayne Rudolph Goettel musician
1964 Kaitlin Hopkins New York NY, actress (Kelsey-Another World)
1964 Sharon Bruneau Toronto Ontario, actress (Sensuous Muscle)
1965 Brandon Lee Emerson CO, actor (Showdown in Little Tokyo)
1965 Sherilyn Fenn Detroit MI, actress (2 Moon Junction, Twin Peaks)
1965 David Callaghan cricketer (South African all-rounder in one-dayers 1992)
1965 Stephanie Marie Elisabeth de Grimaldi Monte Carlo Monaco, Princess
1966 Donna Edmondson Greensboro NC, playmate of the year (November 1986)
1966 Eddie Zambrano Venezuelan/US baseball outfielder (Chicago Cubs)
1966 Michelle Akers Santa Clara CA, soccer forward (Olympics-96)
1967 Laura E Dern Los Angeles CA, actress (Blue Velvet, Mask, Smooth Talk)
1967 Tim Naehring Cincinnati OH, infielder (Boston Red Sox)
1968 George Quigley Jr Cincinnati OH, skeet (Olympics-1996)
1968 Javier Sanchez Spain, tennis star
1968 Kent Mercker Dublin OH, pitcher (Atlanta Braves, Baltimore Orioles)
1968 Lisa Marie Presley Keough Jackson Memphis TN, (Elvis' daughter)
1968 Mark Recchi Kamloops, NHL right wing (Montral Canadiens)
1968 Pauly Shore Hollywood, comedian (Totally Pauly, Encino Man)
1968 Sean Millington CFL fullback (British Columbia Lions)
1969 Bryan Jacob Palatka FL, 59 kg (130 lbs) weightlifter (Olympics-1992, 96)
1969 John Moore Australian baseball catcher (Olympics-1996)

.....and on this day in history:

 1940  Russia begins new offensive against Finland
1941 US female Figure Skating championship won by Jane Vaughn
1941 US male Figure Skating championship won by Eugene Turner
1942 2nd Norwegian government of Quisling forms
1943 German occupiers make Vidkun Quisling Norwegian premier
1943 Mussert forms pro Nazi shadow cabinet (Netherlands)
1944 Supreme Soviet enlarges soviet republics' autonomy
1944 US 7th Infantry/25th Marine Division lands on Kwajalein/Roi/Namur
1945 US Army arrives at Siegfriedlinie
1946 Trygve Lie, a Norwegian socialist, becomes 1st Secretary-General of UN
1946 Republic of Hungary proclaimed, Zolt n Tildy as communist president
1947 Aleide de Gasperi forms Italian government of Christian-democrats & communists
1947 Dmitri Shostakovich named professor at conservatory of Leningrad
1947 NV United Dutch Fokker's Aircraft established
1948 Palestine Post building in Jerusalem bombed
1948 Federation Malaysia forms from 9 sultanates
1949 200" (5.08-meter) Hale telescope 1st used
1949 RCA releases 1st single record ever (45 rpm)
1950 Urko Kekkonen elected president of Finland
1950 USSR demands condemnation of Emperor Hirohito for war crimes
1951 1st telecast of atomic explosion - US nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1951 1st X-ray moving picture process demonstrated
1951 -50F (-46C), Gavilan NM (state record)
1951 Alfred Krupp & 28 other German war criminals freed
1951 UN condemns People's Republic of China as aggressor in Korea
1952 General strike against French colonial management in Tunisia
1952 S[amuel] N[athaniel] Behrman's "Jane" premieres in New York NY
1953 "General Electric Theater" premieres on CBS TV; Reagan later hosts
1953 "You Are There" with Walter Cronkite premieres on CBS television
1953 Dr A de Waal appointed as Netherlands 1st female assistant Secretary of state
1953 Flooding in Netherlands, kills 1,835
1953 WEEK TV channel 25 in Peoria IL (NBC) begins broadcasting
1954 1st TV soap opera "Secret Storm" premieres
1954 Scapino Ballet Studio in Amsterdam destroyed by fire
1954 Soccer team The County forms in Doetinchem
1955 H C Hansen appointed premier of Denmark
1956 Hague Daily Newspaper reveals war crimes of Hague mayor Schokking
1956 WSAV TV channel 3 in Savannah GA (NBC) begins broadcasting
1957 1st black pilot (PH Young) on a US scheduled passenger airline
1957 Gijsbert of Hall appointed mayor of Amsterdam
1958 1st US satellite (Explorer I) launched
1958 Egypt & Syria announce plans to merge into United Arab Republic
1958 WFTV TV channel 9 in Orlando FL (ABC) begins broadcasting
1959 Swiss males vote against voting rights for women
1959 Texas Instruments requests patent of IC (Integrated Circuit)
1959 US female Figure Skating championship won by Carol Heiss
1959 US male Figure Skating championship won by David Jenkins
1959 Wiffi Smith win LPGA Havana Golf Tournament
1959 WVUE TV channel 8 in New Orleans LA (ABC) begins broadcasting
1959 Zack Wheat unanimously elected to baseball Hall of Fame
1960 4 students stage 1st civil rights sit-in, at Greensboro NC Woolworth
1960 34th Australian Women's Tennis Margaret Smith beats J Lehane (7-5 6-2)
1960 48th Australian Men's Tennis Rod Laver beats N Fraser (5-7 3-6 6-3 8-6 8-6)
1960 Extreme right-wing rebels in Algiers surrender
1961 1st full-scale test of US Minuteman ICBM is successful
1961 British minister Enoch Powell makes medical insurance more expensive
1961 Mackay & Kline hang on for 100 minutes for cricket draw vs West Indies
1962 "New Faces of '62" opens at Alvin Theater NYC for 28 performances
1962 NL releases its 1st 162-game schedule
1963 Nyasaland (now Malawi) becomes self-governing under Hastings Banda
1964 Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand" 1st #1 hit & stays #1 for 7 weeks
1964 "Stop the World, I Want to..." closes at Shubert NYC after 556 performances
1964 Indiana Governor Mathew Walsh tries to ban "Louie Louie" for obscenity
1964 Suriname River dammed
1965 Martin Luther King Jr & 700 demonstrators arrested in Selma AL
1965 Dutch Queen Juliana opens Brienenoord Bridge in Rotterdam
1965 NL adopts emergency team replacement plan to restock any club struck by disaster
1965 Peter Jennings, 26, becomes anchor of ABC's nightly news
1967 Severe brush fires in Tasmania destroy $11 million & 60 lives
1967 WCLP TV channel 18 in Chatsworth GA (PBS) begins broadcasting
1968 Famous photo Saigon police chief Nguyen Ngoc Loan executes a Viet Cong officer with a pistol shot to the head
1968 Vince Lombardi resigns as coach of the Green Bay Packers
1968 Former Vice-President Richard Nixon announces candidacy for President
1968 World trade conference Unctad 2 opens in New Delhi
1969 Jim Morrison arrested for exposing himself in concert
1969 US female Figure Skating championship won by Janet Lynn
1969 US male Figure Skating championship won by Tim Wood
1969 WPGH TV channel 53 in Pittsburgh PA (IND) begins broadcasting

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are
on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave
a big pile of poop behind.

The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is
so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only
ankle deep."

So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?!
It's up to our heads!"

And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

Sacking the SuperBowl
by Sheila Moss

The SuperBowl is a media event that includes pre-game entertainment,
a star-studded half-time show, celebrity interviews, a week of media
blitz, and unprecedented commercial extravaganza. There is also a
football game.

The SuperBowl hype starts weeks early so that everyone can have an
opportunity to stock up on beer, snacks, and T-shirts with the name
of their favorite team or player.  A few people actually watch to
see the football game, but most people watch primarily to see the
newly produced commercials.

The SuperBowl attracts a larger viewing audience than any other
television program.  Because it is a prime time sporting event, it
is considered family entertainment. People complain actively when
they think prime time programming is not suitable for children,
which make sponsors nervous. People do not complain about violence
in football, however, especially if a member of the opposing team
is being sacked.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/superbowl.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/superbowl.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make
people die.
-Tom McCudden, Durham, NC

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Circle To The Square
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/circlesquare.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/circlesquare.shtml ">Circle To The
Square</a>

Backgammon
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/backgammon.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/backgammon.shtml ">Backgammon</a>

PengaPop
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pengapop.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pengapop.shtml ">PengaPop</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a
marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make
love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it's going to be when I get it.''

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

send a dogbite anywhere in the world

<a href=" http://www.sassydog.com/ ">sassy's worldwide dogbite service</a>
http://www.sassydog.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on
the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book.
Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed
to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even
broke a sweat.

"It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself
off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for yet
*another* session!"

One day he came home with a sheepish grin. "Well," he said, "I
just found out -- they're identical twins."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call
while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself
as Colonel Hendrick.

She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.

He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in
doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in
kite."

When her father returned, he found the following message:
"Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and
bald, they don't recognize you.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Happy Valentines From The Bottom Of My Heart
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bottomheart.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bottomheart.shtml ">Happy Valentines
>From The Bottom Of My Heart</a>

Happy Valentines Day - Its Time For This
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentinestime.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentinestime.shtml ">Happy
Valentines Day - Its Time For This</a>

Are You Upset Because You Are Dateless For Valentines?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valdateless.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valdateless.shtml ">Are You Upset
Because You Are Dateless For Valentines?</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was
down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an
emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was
3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old
Morris.

Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years.  In fact
he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and
wasn't impressed by much.

As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance,
he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself.

"Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you
to fix it?"

Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description
of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about
fifteen minutes....so don't worry ."

"Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where
the drive controls are and get you anything you need."

After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions,
the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became
increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, "I thought you
said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

"I can and I will," replied Morris.  "As soon as I figure out
what the heck is wrong with it!"

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

When a snake is born with two heads the heads fight each other
for food.

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood
that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my
fingers!"

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

My Love Grows For You On Valentines Day
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentinelove.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/valentinelove.shtml ">My Love Grows
For You On Valentines Day</a>

Divorce Settlement
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/settlement.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/settlement.shtml ">Divorce
Settlement</a>

I Always Wondered About Miss Libertys Legs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/libertylegs.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/libertylegs.shtml ">I Always Wondered
About Miss Libertys Legs</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

THE YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [nuff said!]

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

            ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Little Morris' 2nd grade class was on a field trip
to a local police station.  At the station they saw
photos of the 10 most wanted criminals. tacked to
a bulletin board.

Morris pointed at a photo and asked if one
of the photos was really that of a bad criminal.

" Yes " said a policeman, " He is a very dangerous
person and we want to capture him very badly."

Morris looked puzzled and said, " So why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ? "

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Don't Worry Babe, I'm Wearing A Protector
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon28.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sbtoon28.shtml ">Don't Worry Babe,
I'm Wearing A Protector</a>

Pick A Booth
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl36.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl36.shtml ">Pick A Booth</a>

Lie Detector
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/detector.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/detector.shtml ">Lie Detector</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A top Croatian doctor faces being fired after allegedly making
patients wait for ultrasound treatments while his pet crocodile
had a check up. Patients at the KBC Hospital in Zagreb said they
couldn't believe their eyes when the crocodile was wheeled in on
an operating table. They claim they were made to wait two hours
while staff examined the reptile. Dr Bruno Buljevic allegedly
told receptionists that patients would have to wait while an
"important examination" took place. Fellow doctors were shocked
by the "unethical behaviour" of their colleague, local daily
Jutarnji List reported. The four foot croc had been off his
food but the ultrasound examination revealed no major problems
and it's believed he was just upset by the cold weather.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York, where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6
floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back
down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm,............. better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" So
she ascends another flight of stairs.

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, further
up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak...sexy...great lovers.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me on the last
floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]       G I N Z U    K N A V E S        [||||]

"An Alabama legislator wants to revive cockfighting by putting tiny
boxing gloves on roosters with electronic sensors to record hits."
(USA/1/27)

[]   He got the idea while serving as fight-night promoter at Abu
Gharib.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

1. Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
2. Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
3. Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
4. Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
5. Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an
earthquake to do the rest.
6. Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
7. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
8. Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
9. Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his butt is itching.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

About eight years ago, in the hallway of the felony court, I
happened to meet a Detroit police officer I knew, whose duty
was as a court officer in the lower court. I asked him what
he was doing there. My friend told me that he was a witness
in a robbery case. Two armed men had robbed a homeowner in
Detroit. They had knocked on the door of the house. When the
owner came to the door, they went into the "your-money-or-
your-life" routine. The homeowner said he would get the money
and closed and locked the door. He retrieved some money,
opened the door, and gave it to the robbers. While I was
laughing, my friend says, "Wait, it gets better!"

The homeowner called the police, who arrested one of the
robbers. At the culprit's preliminary examination (to determine
whether there is enough evidence to charge the defendant with
a felony), the homeowner is asked to identify the defendant.
This was in my friend's courtroom, and why he was a witness
in the felony court. The prosecutor says to the homeowner,
"Do you see either of the men who robbed you in court, today?"
The victim says, "Yes, one of the men is sitting at the counsel
table with his attorney, wearing a grey sweater. . . . and the
other one is sitting there in the audience." Sure, enough, the
idiot had come to court for his accomplice's hearing.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind
of hard for him to come out of the closet."

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Freeze! This is a hoagie!
It seems cheese sandwiches have been in the news a lot during the last
few months. But not always in a good way.

Last November, online casino GoldenPalace.com paid $28,000 on eBay for a
10-year-old partially-eaten cheese sandwich that bore the image of the
Virgin Mary  (you can see it at www.GoldenPalaceEvents.com).

I saw pictures of the Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich on their website, and
while I will agree that there was a face on the sandwich, I don't
necessarily believe it's the Virgin Mary. For one thing, I've never
actually seen the Virgin Mary, so I don't actually know. But I think it
looks more like Marilyn Monroe.

But Diana Duyser swears that for 10 years, the vestal
Velveeta-on-white-bread has brought her enormous good fortune, including
winning $70,000 at her local casino. She kept it on her nightstand in a
plastic container.

The GoldenPalace.com website announced they will take the sandwich on a
national tour and sell Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich t-shirts to help
raise money for various charities. Maybe I'm just cynical, but I can't
help but think that all this national attention is attracting new
gamblers along with it.

So while I applaud their efforts and sentiments, am I the only one who
thinks it's odd that a gambling house has purchased a food item with the
Holy Blessed Mother on it? Far be it from me to point fingers at anyone,
but when a casino uses the mother of the Messiah to help attact new
gamblers, I start checking the skies for lightning.

But that's a good cheese sandwich -- at least in the "it won't get you
thrown in jail or electrocuted" way.

On the other hand, convicted murderer Douglas Eugene Wilson got one of
the bad kinds.

According to an Associated Press story, while Wilson was awaiting trial
on murder charges, he was passing out cheese sandwiches to fellow
inmates while he was in jail. A sheriff's deputy warned him not to do
this, because it violated jail rules. When Wilson ignored the deputy, he
was zapped with a stun gun. He then reportedly charged the deputy and
was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed.

Deputy: Hey you, no distributing cheese sandwiches in jail!

Wilson: What? It's just a cheese sandwich.

Deputy: I'm not going to warn you again. Drop the cheese sandwich and
slowly step away.

Wilson: Why? It's not going to--

Stun Gun: ZZZZZZZZZZT!

Wilson was later convicted of murdering Lisa Chavez, and was sentenced
to life in prison. In other words, he can't get out. Ever.

Which is why it's odd that he was then convicted of possession of
contraband, and sentenced to three more years in prison. Keep in mind
that he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of possession of contraband
in order to get the charges of second-degree assault and attempted
second-degree assault dropped.

I realize that Wilson was probably being somewhat optimistic, and hoped
that he might someday get out of prison. But I would think there would
be a point where you just need to give up and realize that life in
prison means just that. Why would you even negotiate to remove charges?
When you're going to spend the rest of your natural days in prison,
what's another six years or so?

Judge: You are hereby sentenced to three additional years in prison.

Wilson: But I'm already in for life.

Judge: Oh. . .well, now you're going to a dirty prison filled with
criminals.

Wilson: But I'm already--

Stun Gun: ZZZZZZZZZZT!

Contraband is legal talk for things that should not be allowed in jails
-- things like drugs, pornography, and weapons. I'll bet you didn't know
cheese sandwiches can be dangerous. Otherwise they wouldn't have needed
stun guns to stop Wilson from passing them out.

"Nobody move! I've got a Cheddar and mayo on whole wheat, and I'm not
afraid to use it!"

Hopefully word of these new weapons won't reach the criminal element, or
else we'll have bigger problems. Bank robbers will carry roast beef and
mustard on a kaiser roll. You'll need a license and background check to
be able to order lunch at your favorite Subway or Quiznos. And
gun-toting Texans will soon replace their concealed revolvers with
Reuben sandwiches.

Not to worry though. The police will keep us safe from all
sandwich-brandishing evil-doers, because they're well-trained and
dedicated to preventing crime and helping people.

And they've got their trusty Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich brand stun guns
at their side.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.