presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
CHRISTMAS ISSUE
2005 is drawing to a close ... another year is behind us and this
ezine turns 7 years old in February! Seven years of publishing on
the net is an eternity and I am surprised to still be doing this.
Back when I started Dale Earnhart was still racing #3, The World
Trade Centres were still standing, war in
memory or something we didn't think about. Bill Clinton was president
of the
minister of
was Richard Pryor and many other great comedians. My humour list
was called "Purehumour" although it usually wasn't very
"pure" and
was sent from a long gone list-server called "ONElist" which became
"eGroups" and then Yahoogroups ...but I was long gone before Yahoo
took over and we had a run at "Topica" ... but now Pooh-Bah's
Adult Humour has found its home on Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com)
which was officially launched sometime in 1999 or 2000! The
internet was still fairly young and having a homepage was a
unique thing ...now everyone and his cat (literally) has one ...
so I guess we have to come up with something new! And way back
seven years ago there were some people around the world that
didn't know each other ... and yet now (with partial thanks to
me) ... this group of internet buddies is involved in daily
conversation via email and gets together when they can to have
a little fun and relaxation and a lot of partying! Yeah we
ain't too old to party! Seven years ...time flies when you
are having fun! ;)
So now 2006 is just around the corner and bigger and better things
are coming our way. My oldest son, Daryl, has moved away and just
purchased his first car. My middle son, Jared, has just turned 16 and
will
be getting his driver's licence in February. For those of you
that know my family history ...giving Jared a licence could be
a HUGE mistake ...but kids gotta learn right? My youngest son,
Shaun, is attempting (through his choice) to get control of his
ADHD and Tourettes without the use of medications for the first
time in years ...so far so good. My wife, for the most part, has
recovered from her problems of 2000 but will remain on medications
for the rest of her life. And me ...well I get the occasional
cold or flu ...but I do pretty good for a 40 (cough cough) some-
thing year old guy! ;) If you have been around for a while you
will know that I share special things with you ...both the good
and the bad ... and have found that although you think your
problems are unique...they aren't. So for those of you that have
shown me support through my tough times ...thanks!
So let me close my opening (oxymoron?) by wishing all of you the
best happyiest Christmas ever ... and a safe and happy New Year.
Remember to not drink and drive and watch out for those that do...
and God willing ... we'll all be back together in early 2006.
AND just remember that the annual Christmas issue is 100% ad-free
and contains both G- to R-Rated humour and non-humour articles.
Paul Croft
Editor and Publisher
SPECIAL NOTICE FOR AOL SUBSCRIBERS! Unfortunately I am
once again having problems with delivery to AOL and it seems that
if just ONE subscriber from AOL reports claims that my ezines are
spam then AOL immediately suspends delivery to all AOL subscribers!
This also creates a number of other problems for me that include
having my hosting service blacklisted. If I cannot clear the problems
with AOL then I will have no other option than to remove ALL AOL
addresses from my lists and ban ALL future AOL addresses from
subscribing to my lists!!!! I would advise all AOL subscribers to
seek alternate email addresses (Yahoo, MSN, Hotmail, Gmail, etc)
and inform me of the change so that you will not lose your
subscription in the event of the cull.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
I asked you for special Christmas memories, but unfortunately
you didn't answer the call ... so sadly I have only one story
to share ...but it is a good one ... thanks Tom...you done good!
From Tom:
When my sons were young we started a new "family" tradition for
Christmas! Even in cold snowy weather, we would take to the
woods, and look for the smallest and most pitiful little fir
tree that we could find! Only the most pathetic would do!
We would then dig up that pitiful tree by the roots, and plant
it in a nice container! We would care for it, and decorate it
with a few little icicles and small hangers, and a small star
on top! (A gold stick-on star from school from when the boys
did good worked nicely!) We called it our "Snoopy Christmas
Tree" from the cartoon, and stacked our presents around it!
It was more special than any of the tallest or most beautiful
of trees to us!
After the holidays, we would find a nice spot to replant it
and watch it grow! This family tradition has now carried over
to my Grandchildren, and 3 generations are involved! And this
weekend looks like a very good time to look for our "Snoopy
Tree"!
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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I was touring around the country and the stopped in a small
central
was decorated beautifully.
As they approached to Court House they saw a beautiful
nativity scene. There was Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus, the
flock tenders and the three wise men. Astonished, they saw
that thee wise men were all wearing fire fighting helmets.
What a curious thing they thought. They decided to go
inside and ask why.
They went into the courthouse and approached a young woman
in the office. They asked, "Please tell us why, on your
beautiful nativity scene, the wise men are wearing firemen's
helmets."
The young woman in her deep
Bible says so. See, let me show you." She picked up her Bible
and thumbed through it until she found the passage she was
looking for. "See" she says, as she points to the scripture,
"It says so right here, It says that the three wise men came
from a far."
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Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas
trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical
devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one
in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it
on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas
trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it
in the back of your pickup truck.
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of
its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its
'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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12 Days of Christmas
There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled...
What in the world does leaping lords, French hens,
swimming swans, and especially the partridge in the
pear tree have to do with Christmas?
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in
not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone
during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song
for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning:
the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only
to members of their church.
Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious
reality, which the children could remember.
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of
Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the
first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of
creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts
of the Holy Spirit- Prophesy, Serving, Teaching,
Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy
Spirit- Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness,
Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful
disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points
of belief in The Apostles' Creed.
So there is your history for today.
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'Twas the Night Before Christmas
By: Maxine
'Twas the night before Christmas'
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of.you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney
St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!
I'll get you next year!"
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
ESCAPEE subject Claus, while in the custody of city marshals,
placed his thumb to his nose and somehow escaped.
FOR INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT TO ADVOID PROSECUTION
$5,000 REWARD
SUBJECT, in addition, is wanted for breaking and entering,
crossing a state line to commit a felony, cruelty to animals,
vagrancy, trespassing, and resisting arrest.
SPY -- Claus seems to be operating from an area in or near
northern
ILLEGAL ENTRY -- If subject entered the country as indicated, he
will be charged with illegal entry, failure to possess a
passport, failure to file a customs declaration, failure to file
flight plans with the F.A.A., piloting an unregistered and
uninspected aircraft, flying below legal altitudes and landing in
an unauthorized zone.
NARCOTICS ADDICT -- Subject is believed to be addicted to unknown
drugs. He periodically chuckles and cries "Ho Ho Ho" indicating
a state of mental euphoria. Subject speaks of "flying", a hippie
word for drug induced stupor. Tests of a pipe in his possession
showed no traces of narcotic drugs.
DESCRIPTION -- Caucasian male, about 55 years of age, long white
beard and hair, "hippie" appearance. Generally wears black
boots
and favors a bright red "Mao" type suit, also a red stocking cap.
Travels in a makeshift sled pulled by eight tiny reindeer, both
sled and deer are believed to be stolen. Subject thought to
travel under many aliases.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
When I was young, my family was so poor
that for Christmas we got batteries with
a note attached saying "toy not included."
--
The U.S. Postal Service says they expect
to handle twenty billion pieces of mail
for the holidays. They'll only deliver
about ten billion, but they'll handle
twenty billion."
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
Santa FAQ's
Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things
on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red
nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures
(Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual
preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have
some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome
with a reindeer, though.
Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and
the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is
known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his
pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description
"up where the sun don't shine", which applies to both the North
Pole and assholes in general.
Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does
it say "Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more
likely)
Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he
spends his winters in Florida.
Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty
attitude (he doesn't take stress too well).
Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy
(given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A: Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine
guns.
Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man
who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around
in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?
A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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This is the tale of the Crist family, who worked at a zoo.
Each year they claimed to be able to predict the overall
mood of the year by watching the animals, in particular,
the gnus who, if their ears were forward, predicted a
successful, joyous year, but it their ears were laid back flat,
predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year.
One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals
and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo,
and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus.
Well, she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it
was quite good. In explanation, the next winter solstice,
the local newspaper ran the following headline:
"Mary Crist Misses a Happy Gnu's Ear!"
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
Yahoo Twelve days of Christmas
For the first pain Yahoo gave to me A post from a week ago.
For the second pain Yahoo gave to me 2 web crashes and a post from a week
ago.
For the third pain Yahoo gave to me 3 error messages 2 web crashes and a
post from a week ago.
For the forth pain Yahoo gave to me 4 jerks at Tech Help 3 error messages 2
web crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the fifth pain Yahoo gave to me 5 frozen PM's 4 jerks at Tech Help 3
error messages 2 web crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the sixth pain Yahoo gave to me 6 disconnections 5 frozen PM's 4 jerks
at Tech Help 3 error messages 2 web crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the seventh pain Yahoo gave to me 7 hours with no mail 6 disconnections
5 frozen PM's 4 jerks at Tech Help 3 error messages 2 web crashes and a post
from a week ago.
For the eighth pain Yahoo gave to me 8 channels not working 7 hours with no
mail 6 disconnections 5 frozen PM's 4 jerks at Tech Help 3 error messages 2
web crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the ninth pain Yahoo gave to me 9 Viagra advertisements 8 channels not
working 7 hours with no mail 6 disconnections 5 frozen PM's 4 jerks at Tech
Help 3 error messages 2 web crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the tenth pain Yahoo gave to me 10 propositions 9 Viagra advertisements
8 channels not working 7 hours with no mail 6 disconnections 5 frozen PM's 4
jerks at Tech Help 3 error messages 2 web crashes and a post from a week ago
For the eleventh pain Yahoo gave to me 11 pieces of spam 10 propositions 9
Viagra advertisements 8 channels not working 7 hours with no mail 6
disconnections 5 frozen PM's 4 jerks at Tech Help 3 error messages 2 web
crashes and a post from a week ago.
For the twelfth pain Yahoo gave to me 12 reasons to unsubscribe.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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[If anyone knows the author of this article please let me know]
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went
to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo,
the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going
to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth
it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph
did
rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics: 1. They were
wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This
is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens
it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever
had
to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said.
"They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.
(Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
-Author Unknown
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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Holiday Food Tips:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots,
leave immediately and go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. You can't find it any other time of
year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. It's later than you think.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy doesn't stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that
vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair
of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have
a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread all of the tips. Start over, but hurry. January is
just around
the corner."Happy Holidays"
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
A very UNPolitically Correct Christmas Greeting:
<a href=" <http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html>http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html
">Merry Christmas</a>
<http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html>http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-
ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night
and not get lost.
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
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[A Christmas Classic!]
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for
an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The
young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was
the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy
Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift
she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he
talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show
you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle
Bells!
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came,
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try
it." He
answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of
his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOES NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation
Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74
minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your
Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
An announcement from Santa. . .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and
Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt,
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off". The last I heard it also had other
decorations on
the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights
that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of
me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus
will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.
Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot
the
Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is
My
Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You
Don't
Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local)
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN,
CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
BETHLEHEM, JUDEA - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned
citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family
Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into
protective care an infant child, who had been wrapped in strips
of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother,
Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of
Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by
several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried
to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by
the police.
Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to
be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security
officials are seeking information about these wise guys who may be
in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they
had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly
illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been
warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly
to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession
will be tested.
The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager
of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating
health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable.
Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved
in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect
for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when the
child would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service
spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely
underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what
their legal relationship is.
Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a
census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when
they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their
departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation,
kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.
Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being
examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for
endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of
her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the
right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely
affect the safety and well-being of others--in this case her child--we
must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the
scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper
therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."
A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was
going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the
child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening.
There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the
child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this
matter to the end."
Merry Christmas!
From: The Police State
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About
Me
Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and........
Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of
Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
ӿӭ-------------------SEASON'S
GREETINGS--------------------ӿӼbr>
Merry Christmas in 150 Languages
Afrikaans - Ges륮de Kersfees / Geseende Kerfees en 'n gelukkige nuwe jaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
African (Eritrean) (Tigrinja) - Rehus-beal-ledeats
Albanian - Gezur Krislinjden / G麵ar Krishlindjet Vitin e Ri!
Amharic - Melkam Yelidet Beaal
Arabic - I'D Miilad Said ous Sana Saida
Argentine - Feliz Navidad Y Un Prospero Ano Nuevo / Felices Pascuas y Feliz
Auevo
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Aromunian - Cr㣩unu h㲩osu shi unu anu n㵬 bunu!
Azeri-Azerbaijan - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Bahasa Malaysia - Selamat Hari Natal
Basque - Eguberri Zoriontsuak eta Urte Berri On
Bengali - Shuvo Baro Din Shuvo Nabo Barsho
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Brazilian - Feliz Natal e Prospero Ano Novo / Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloav ezh mat
Bulgarian - Vasel Koleda / Chestita Koleda / Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo /
Tchestita Nova Godina
Catalan - Bon Nadal i Feli码ny Nou
Cantonese - Seng Dan Fai Lok, Sang Nian Fai Lok
Choctaw - Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito
Cornish -Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Corsican - Bon Natale e Bon capu d' annu
Crazanian - Rot Yikji Dol La Roo
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Creek - Afvcke Nettvcakorakko
Chinese - Cantonese - Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese - Mandarin - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Croatian - Sretan Bozic / ȥstit
Boi栩 sretna Nova godina
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Czech Republic - Vesele Vanoce
Danish - Glaedelig Jul / Gl椥lig Jul og godt nyt岼br> Duri -
Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
Dutch (Netherlands) - Prettig Kerstfeest
Egyptian - Colo sana wintom tiebeen
English - Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
Eritrean - Rehus-Beal-Ledeat
Eskimo - Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - R��aid j��phi!
Euskera - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On
Faeroese - Gledhilig jg eydnurikt ny`ggjbr> Farsi -
Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Fijian - Marau na Kerisimasi
Filipinos - Maligayang Pasko
Finnish - Hauskaa Joulua / Hyv䤠joulua ja Onnellista uutta vuotta
Flemish - Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar
French - Joyeux No묠et heureuse ann饠/ Joyeux No묠et Bonne
Ann饼br> Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it
Nije Jier
Friulian - Bon Nad⬠e Bon An Gnf
Gaelic-Irish - Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic-Scot - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Galician - Bon Nadal e Bo Ani Novo
German - Frohe Weihnachten / Frohe Weihnachten und ein glckliches neues Jahr /
Frohe Festtage
Greek - Kala Christougenna Kieftihismenos O Kenourios Chronos / Kala
Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos
Greenlandic - Juullimi Ukiortaassamilu Pilluarit
Hausa - Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka / Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha / Mo'adim Lesimkha. Shana Tova
Hindi - Shub Naya Baras / Shubh Christmas
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket / Kellemes Karacsonyiunnepeket &
Boldog ڪ ɶet
Icelandic - Gledileg jg farsaelt komandi Რ/ Gledileg jg
gott nytt br> Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal / Selamah Tahun Baru
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit / Nodlaig mhaith chugnat
Iroquois - Ojenyunyat Sungwiyadeson honungradon nagwutut. Ojenyunyat osrasay
Italian - Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo / Buone Feste Natalizie / Buon Natale
e felice Capodanno
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
J貲iais - Bouan Nou頥t Bouanne Ann饼br> Karelian - Rastawanke
Sinun, Uvven Vuvenke Sinun
Korean - Chuk Sung Tan / Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Krio - Appi Krismes en Appi Niu Yaa
Kurdish - Seva piroz sahibe u sersala te piroz be
Ladin - Bon Nadel y Bon Ann Nuef
Lappic - Buorit Juovllat ja Buorre Oddajahki
Latin - Natale hilare et Annum Nuovo
Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu
Lausitzian - Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto
Lebanese - Milad Saeed wa Sanaa Mubarakah
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu / linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Livian - Riiemlizi Talspividi ja pagin vonno udaigastos
Low Saxon - Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar
Luxemburgish - Sch驠Kr볣htdeeg an e Sch驮t N驠Joer
Macedonian -Streken Bozhik
Malayalam - Puthuvalsara Aashamsakal
Malaysian - Selamat Hari Natal
Maltese - Il-Milied It-tajjeb / Nixtieklek Milied tajjeb u is-sena t-tabja
Mandarin - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Manx - Ollick Ghennal Erriu as Blein Feer Die Seihil as Slaynt Da'n Slane Loght
Thie
Maori -Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Mongolian - Zul saryn bolon shine ony mend devshuulye
Monogasquev - Festusu Natale e Bona ana noeva
Navajo Indian - Ya'a't'eeh Keshmish
Norse-Danish - Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
Norwegian - God Jul og Godt Nytt岼br> Occitan -Polit nadal e bona
annada
Oriya -Sukhamaya christmass ebang khusibhara naba barsa
Papiamento - Bon Pasco / Un Felis Pasco y un Prospero Anja Nobo
Papua New Guinea - Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go
long yu
Pashto - De Christmas akhtar de bakhtawar au newai kal de mubarak sha
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag unen hallich Nei Yaahr
Peruvian - Feliz Navidad y un Venturoso Auevo
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia / Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i
szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese - Boas Festas / Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo / Feliz Natal e propero
Ano Novo
Punjabi - Nave sal di mubaraka
Pushto - Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha
Raeto-Ramance - Bella Festas da zNadal ed in Ventiravel Onn Nov
Rapa-Nui - (Easter Islands) - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rhetian - Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn
Romanche - Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn
Romani (gypsy) - Bachtalo krecunu Thaj Bachtalo Nevo Bers
Romanian - Sarbatori Fericite / Hristos s-a Nascut si Anul Nou Fericit /
Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
Russian - Pozdrevly ayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
Sami - Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Sardian - Felize Nadale e Bonu Cabuannu
Sardinian -Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Serb-Croatian - Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese - (Ceylon/Sri Lanka) - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak
Vewa
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Slavey - (a Dene Language from the Northwest Territories in Canada) - Teyatie
Gonezu
Slovakian - Vesele vianoce A stastlivy Novy Rok / Vesele vianoce a stastny novy
rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto / Vesele bozicne praznike in srecno
novo leto
Slovenian - Sretan Bozice
Sorbian - Wjesole hody a strowe Nowe leto
Somali - ciid wanaagsan iyo sanad cusub oo fiican
Spanish - Feliz Navidad y prospero Auevo
Sudanese - Wilujeng Natal Sareng Warsa Enggal
Swahili - Krismas Njema Na Heri Za Mwaka Mpya
Swedish - God Jul Och Gott Nytt Ų / Denna hĬsning kommer fr宠Sverige
/ Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
Tagalog (Filipino) - Maligayang Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Suksan Wan Christmas lae Sawadee Pee Mai
Tok Pisin - Meri Krismas & Hepi Nu Yia
Tongan - Kilisimasi Fiefia & Ta'u fo'ou monu ia
Trukeese - Neekirissimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun / Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler
dilerim
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym / Veseloho Vam Rizdva i Shchastlyvoho Novoho
Roku
Urdu- Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vepsi - Rastvoidenke i Udenke Vodenke
Vietnamese - Mung Le Giang Sinh. Cung Chuc Tan Nien
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen / Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
Xhosa - Siniqwenelela Ikrisimesi EmnandI Nonyaka Omtsha Ozele Iintsikelelo
Namathamsanqa
Yayeya - Krisema
Yiddish - Gute Vaynakhtn un a Gut Nay Yor
Yoruba - E ku odun, e hu iye' dun Yugoslavian - Cestitamo Bozic
Zulu - Sinifesela Ukhisimusi Omuhle Nonyaka Omusha Onempumelelo
Courtesy of: http://www.celebratelove.com/christmas150.htm