ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well folks ...another year has come and gone and we are
all a year older and hopefully a year wiser! This is my final
regular issue for 2005 ... if I get the time I will be putting
together a special Christmas issue sometime next week.
If you have any really special Christmas memories that
you'd love to share then please send them to me ...some-
thing that you or your family did to make Christmas
special for yourselves or someone else ...Christmas is
a season of giving ...so give me your best! ;) The next
regular issue of Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour will be
11th, 2006
My oldest son got an early Christmas gift of sorts ... he is
the proud owner of his first brand new car! The thing that
pisses me off is that he now owns a nicer car than his
father!!!!!!! We went car shopping last week for a used
car ...but with dealer incentives (gotta love them) and
the fact that he is still a student ... it made much more
sense to buy new. So he is the proud owner of a new
Chevy Optra 5 ... which seems to be only available in
what it looks like! I haven't had chance to drive it yet but
I have told him that the first time I see it ... I get to drive ...
he has driven mine for the last 3 1/2 years!
Lets all try to remember that this is the season of giving ..
and we should all try to give a little to someone ....it
doesn't have to be a gift ...even giving that extra little
smile to someone is a gift to share! Christmas only
comes once a year ...so lets keep it special.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, Joanie, JB, John,
Ron, Cupcake.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had
sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I Don't Believe In The Little Drummer Boy
Christmas is fast approaching, and that can only mean one thing: Erik is
waiting until the last minute to do his shopping again. That gives us a
chance to run his favorite Christmas column.
Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. My birthday, my
anniversary, and any other occasion where people give me presents are
also big favorites.
To get myself into the Christmas spirit, I listen to Christmas music. I
hit the department stores around August to hear "Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer" and "Jingle Bell Rock." It's a wonder most sales
clerks
haven't killed anyone by mid-November.
I love the classics -- "Jingle Bells," "Silent Night" and
the Sex
Pistols' "Have Yourself a Merry $%@&! Christmas." But there are a
few
that, given a choice, I'd rather run my radio through with a pitchfork
than listen to them.
One of my least favorite songs is Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is
Coming To Town," which is nothing but 20 minutes of Bruce singing
"Santa
Claus is coming to town" over and over and over. By the time Bruce
finishes with his Yuletide droning, Santa is back home, slamming
Upside-Down Margaritas with the elves.
But the worst Christmas song ever, the song that makes me want to sleep
straight to Easter is "The Little Drummer Boy." Not only does it
repeat
the same phrase over and over -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- but the song just
isn't believable.
I realize songs about a fat guy sliding down chimneys or a flying
reindeer with a halogen nose aren't believable either, but at least
they're grounded in reality.
First, drums do not go "pa-rum pum pum pum." As any parent knows,
drums
are loud percussive instruments. They do not make pleasant little
melodies sung by children's choirs. They make headaches. Drums go
"KA-WHAM WHAP WHAP WHAP!"
When the Little Drummer Boy asks Mary if he could play a song for the
Baby Jesus -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- no one says, "Wait a minute! That
kid is just going to pound a drum. Somebody stop him!"
The gift of music is one of the greatest gifts, because it comes from
the heart, unless you really wanted that big screen high-definition TV
instead. But when your newborn baby has finally gone to sleep after
screaming for 6 hours because his bed is made of straw and smells like
cow poo, do you really want someone going "ka-wham whap whap whap!"
at
him?
And what did Mary do? She just nodded, -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- listened
attentively, and smiled quietly to herself. Not being a mother, I can't
speak for other mothers. But I'll wager your Christmas gifts that if
you've been riding on a donkey for several days, and then spent the last
36 hours in labor, you wouldn't want some snot-nosed kid showing up to
beat a drum at you. The song would be more accurate if it said "Mary
leapt off her stool and chased the little brat away, pa-rum pum pum pum.
"
Did the ox and lambs really keep time -- pa-rum pum pum pum? Not likely.
Oxen are tone deaf and lambs don't have a well-developed sense of
rhythm. Besides, the drum in question was probably made out of oxen or
lambskin, so they would not have appreciated the irony of the situation.
Then He smiled at me -- pa-rum pum pum pum? I have an easier time
believing the ox and lambs doffed top hats and did "Puttin' On the
Ritz." How would you feel if you had been removed from a nice warm womb
and stuck in a bed of itchy, smelly straw so some jerk could beat a drum
at you?
Here's a test. Go find a newborn baby and start pa-rum pum pum pumming
on a pot with a couple of wooden spoons. If he smiles, he's colicky.
I'm all for the magic and wonder of Christmas. But I know mothers. And I
know babies. And I know that mothers don't want anyone pounding drums
around with their babies.
Gift of music or not, beating on a lambskin stretched over a hollow log
is not something a new mother wants to deal with. I realize we're
talking about Mary, the mother of the Messiah, but everyone has a limit
to their patience. And little drummer boys aren't pushing it, so much as
ramming it with a large wooden cart.
If you're ever in the mood to serenade a newborn baby and his mother
with anything noisier than a single blad of grass, don't. Just trust me
on this. If you really want to be helpful, give the mom something
useful, like a set of earplugs and a weekend's free babysitting.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN NUTS......
Never give her a straight answer.
Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
Super-glue the commode seat in the up position.
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
-Rita Rudner
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Maybe You Should Wash The Stocking Before Hanging It
Out For Santa
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/santastocking.shtml
Redneck Christmas Tree
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rednecktree.shtml
Redneck Christmas Tree Ornament
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ornament.shtml
Even Santa Has One Elf He Has Problems With
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pervelf.shtml
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ--------------------WASTED
WEBSPACE------------------ӿӼbr>
wasted webspace site of the day:
[Unavailable]
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away
from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you
suppose they know that we don't?
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I Can Sit On Santa's Lap OR.....
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/santachoice.shtml
Santa Is A Breast Man
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/santabreast.shtml
Santa Had A Wild Night
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/santaswildnite.shtml
Merry Xmas From The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/merryxmas2.shtml
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A blonde walks into a bank in New York and asks to see the Manager. She
says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a
$200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and interest which
comes to $15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a millionaires. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The blonde replies...
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I return?"
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Christmas Weather Forecast
by Sheila Moss
The following Special Weather Statement is issued for the
Christmas Holiday Season:
December is expected to bring high barometric pressure and
above normal levels of stress in most areas of the country.
Predictions are that shoppers will start moving into the
region around cities and malls beginning on the Friday after
Thanksgiving. Mild temperatures are expected to rise as the
excitement begins and the shoppers rush to look for bargains
for the seasonal celebration.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/weather.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/weather.htm
ӿӭ------------------DAILY
TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿӼbr>
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Cashew: the noise a nut makes when it sneezes!
ӿӭ-----------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Merry Xmas From The Men
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/merryxmas3.shtml
Do You Like My Christmas Necklace?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/merryx.shtml
Christmas ButtCrack
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/xmasbuttcrack.shtml
Doggy Xmas Wish
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ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The Top 5 Rejected Names for Holiday TV Specials
Pamela Anderson and the Not-So-Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph the Snot-Nosed, Ungrateful, 5-Year-Old Reindeer
Donny Osmond's Rockin' Kwanzaa-ganza!
Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
"No, YOU Open It" -- Christmas With the Sopranos
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why Santa Could NOT Deliver The Presents This Year
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/xmas2.shtml
Apparently Santa Is NOT Always Jolly
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/santascrewu.shtml
Now We Don Our Gay Apparel
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gayapparel.shtml
Seasons Greetings From Santa
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seasongreet.shtml
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A department store Santa on his way home for the night was beaten
up by stressed-out Christmas shoppers in Germany. Stefan Stettler
from Wiesbaden, was still in character and chatting to other
passengers while waiting for his train home. Police say two men,
allegedly stressed after a full day's Christmas shopping, lost
their patience when asked to "tell Santa what they want for
Christmas". The men took Stettler's sack of presents and beat
him over the head with it, breaking his fingers as he tried to
protect himself. Stettler said: "Around this time of year shoppers
seem to get this glint in their eyes and you can just see they are
going to go off any minute. "I should have known better but come
on, who beats up Santa Claus?" Police are still searching for the
men but have no clue as to their identities.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[How to piss off a Detroit Lions fan!]
What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
--
What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in
common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
"Jesus Christ".
--
How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
Put up goal posts.
--
Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there!
--
What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A thief.
--
What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a
dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
--
How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
Nobody knows and we may never find out!
--
What do the Lions and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
ӿӭ------------------------QUICK
WIT-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
LOS ANGELES----CARDINAL MAHONEY SAYS HE PICKS POTENTIAL PRIESTS BASED ON
THEIR "ABILITY TO LEAD A CHASTE LIFE." (USA Today 11/23)
Chased by the Vice Squad, the District Attorney's Office, the US
Attorney's Office, process servers ...
LOS ANGELES----WILLIAM SHATNER'S KIDNEY STONE WILL BE AUCTIONED ON E-BAY
FOR CHARITY. (USA Today 11/16)
It wasn't surgically removed. It was "beamed up."
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
ROOM SERVICE
To get the full effect, this message should be read out loud. You will
understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and
room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in
common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.
ӿӭ--------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ӿӼbr>
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"MEN NEED SOME EXCUSES TOO"
There are thousands of male scientists in the world, most of
whom do their jobs quite well. But they've failed to fulfill
their duty to fellow men. They haven't come up with
scientific reasons for certain types of male behavior. They
haven't given us adequate excuses for habits like leaving
the toilet seat up, refusing to ask for directions and
getting too intimate with the remote control.
Women, it seems, have a monopoly on the excuses. An example
of this occurred some years ago in Brookfield, Wisconsin. As
reported by the Associated Press, Jaclyn Netzel, 19, was
trying to turn her car right when a male driver behind
honked and finally drove around her. Netzel and the man
exchanged obscene gestures. When they met again at a nearby
gas station, Netzel called the man a vulgar name and then
slapped him after they argued. Police cited her for
disorderly conduct. Netzel pleaded that she was pregnant.
Her pregnancy had evidently caused her body to produce a
surplus of a hormone called SMH (Slap Men Hormone).
Netzel told a police officer that "when a female
is pregnant, they are more emotional than
normal." This is why it's always a good idea to
wear body armor when visiting the maternity
ward. You could get attacked from all
directions. Pregnant women are eager to slap
men, because men never have to go through
labor. This resentment probably goes back to
the Garden of Eden: Adam was too busy
inventing rules for football to attend the
meeting where God handed out childbirth duties.
Even the feminists haven't figured out a way to
share this burden with men.
But women have turned pregnancy into an advantage of sorts.
A pregnant women can get away with just about anything:
turning her husband into an errand boy, consuming pizza for
breakfast and ice cream for lunch, eating as if she's giving
birth to a whale.
Women who aren't pregnant can also get away
with pretty much anything, as long as the timing
is right. Picture this courtroom exchange:
Judge: "Miss. Fisher, the jury has found you
guilty of hijacking 10 planes, bombing five
federal buildings and destroying three
Hollywood marriages, all in one day. Do you
have anything to say?"
Defendant: "Your Honor, it was that time of the
month."
Judge: "Case dismissed!"
If the insanity defense works, it won't be long before women
invoke the PMS defense. There's nothing that can't be
explained by PMS, which stands for either Perilous Mood
Swings or Potential Male Slap. PMS usually lasts just a few
days, but like a football game, can go into overtime. Of
course, there's a lot of scientific evidence to confirm the
effects of PMS. Men can't understand it all, but as with
religion, we just have to believe.
If male scientists would get their act together,
maybe they'd discover a few afflictions for men.
This would help us get some much-needed
sympathy and ease all that guilt we feel.
Men who hate to ask for directions probably suffer from
something like GCM (Going in Circles Mania). When pestered
by his wife to stop at a gas station, a man could say,
"Sorry honey, that darned GCM is acting up again."
Men who forget to lower the toilet seat suffer from
TED (Toilet Etiquette Deficiency). "Sorry honey,
the doctor says it's incurable."
Men who skip church to watch football suffer from
PDS (Priority Disorder Syndrome). "You wouldn't
understand it, honey. It's a guy thing."
Men who scratch themselves in public suffer from
PMI (Primitive Male Itch). "Sorry honey, I can't help
it. It's genetic."
Men who caress the remote more than their wives suffer from
BPO (Button Pushing Obsession). "Sorry honey, I don't know
which buttons to push with you. Do you have one for 'mute'?"
Come on scientists, we need this a lot more than
we need cloned sheep.
-------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com