ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
The Amazon.com gift certificate winner for November was
Peter from Montreal, Quebec, Canada. YOU could win the
December contest ... but the information is NOT included
in this mailing ...hopefully you know what to do or else you
will have to wait until the next issue! ;)
Less than a month to Christmas and NOTHING is done yet!
We did some shopping yesterday but I still have a bunch of
gifts to buy! Its seems that every year Christmas is getting
more and more commercialized ... and I am getting to be
more like Scrooge every year. I am thinking its time to take
the gifts out of Christmas completely and just make it a time
to celebrate with your families ...but I KNOW my kids will
never buy into that one! :(
Send me your favorite Christmas memories ...and if I get a
good response ... I will compile them into a Christmas
special edition.
AOL WARNING! It seems as though AOL is once again up
to its old tricks ... AOL refuses more mail than any other
internet provider. Their supposed spam controls are the
strongest in the industry but they also prevent a lot of
legitimate mail from getting to its rightful owner! This ezine
has been plagued with AOL refusal issues many times and
again the problem is occuring. So if you are an AOL member
reading this ...you should set up an alternate delivery method.
I recommend Gmail (by Google) and can set you up with an
account if you request one.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, Di, Joanie,
JB, John, Sherri.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs,
Wife, and Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but
you can't beat a blowjob.
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I Already Said I Would
How badly do you have to screw up your wedding vows so you need to do it
all over again?
The diamond industry is hoping you did. And that you have to buy another
expensive ring while you're at it.
The latest marketing campaign from the diamond industry and
ADiamondIsForever.com is their "I Forever Do" commercials, where a
guy
asks his wife to marry him all over again. It's not as funny as the
Family Guy parody ("She'll Pretty Much Have To"), but it's nearly as
entertaining. I've seen two versions: a shorter commercial that most
people have seen, and the longer one with more twists and surprise
endings. You can find the longer one at the ADiamondIsForever.com
website.
In the commercial, a husband and wife are in
vacation. It's just the two of them, so either they have no children, or
they left the kids with her folks. The two frolic around a fountain in
front of some steps, where dozens of people are lounging and watching
this little scene unfold.
Then, in a fit of spontaneity belying his otherwise staid existence as a
tax attorney, the husband -- we'll call him Stan -- says to his wife,
Lisa "You know, I think I'd marry you all over again."
"What do you mean, you think?!" Lisa says half-jokingly. "He
better do
more than just 'think,'" she says to herself.
He ignores her jibe: "We could do it right here. All these people as
witnesses."
"Yeah, right." Meanwhile, she's thinking "Is he high? Is he
having an
affair? Did he steal from his clients?"
Lisa looks out at the crowd of onlookers and voyeurs, and someone very
familiar stands up.
"MOM?!" Lisa gasps, wondering who's watching the children.
A man sitting next to her mother is holding a newspaper in front of his
face. He lowers it, looking slightly disgusted. Could it be another
suitor there to battle his nemesis for Lisa's heart? Could the mother
have brought him here because she secretly hates Stan and wants to get
rid of him?
"DAD?!" she gasps again. Mystery solved, as is the reason for the
man's
look: it's a mixture of annoyance that she's marrying this jerk, not
once, but twice, plus relief that he doesn't have to pay for it this
time.
Meanwhile, Lisa is just relieved to find her mom and dad in Europe
together, which has allayed her fears that Dad was having an
on-again-off-again fling with a French barmaid.
In the extended commercial, another woman stands up: Stan's lover to
battle Lisa for his heart?
"JEN?!" No, it must be Lisa's sister, although the look on her face
makes us wonder if she really is Stan's lover as well. Her expression of
regret and longing says "That should have been me. Why won't he tell her
the truth about us?"
Lisa overcomes her initial reluctance to Stan's idea and turns to find
him kneeling before her. She nods an affirmative, much to her father's
growing disgust and mother's unstoppable weeping. (Mom just hasn't been
the same emotionally since undergoing The Change, and finding out that
her husband's "business trips" have actually been to rendezvous with
Ingrid the German hotel clerk.)
The rest of the crowd rises to its collective feet and bursts into
applause, as the camera zooms out and fades to block. The announcer
says, "This time, tell her 'I Forever Do.'" The unsaid message comes
through loud and clear: "Because you didn't do it right the first time,
you wiener!"
Every time my wife and I watch this little morality play, we have to
wonder what exactly did Stan do that his vows from just a few short
years ago needed a booster. And will it stick this time, or will he have
to whisk Lisa off to Prague with her parents, grandparents, and
half-cousin Louise? We figure he must have done something pretty bad --
like messing around with his father-in-law's bit on the side, Ingrid --
that requires repeating his vows and buying yet another expensive ring.
Regardless, the diamond industry doesn't seem to be helping the sanctity
of marriage, since they're implying that 1) marriage vows aren't
necessarily permanent the first time you did them, and 2) the only way
to insure your marriage will last -- at least until you're caught with
Gertrude the Hungarian concert promoter -- is with another Kobe Bryant
"I screwed up again, but THIS time I promise it's the last
one,"anniversary ring.
Just make sure someone is watching the kids.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and..."a Happy New Year."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing
masks.
-James H. Boren
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Pepsi With a Twist of Lime
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pepsitwist.shtml
Fantasize
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fantasize.shtml
She Comes Equipped With Her Own Airbags
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/airbags.shtml
How These Guys Handle Looters
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nolooters.shtml
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ--------------------WASTED
WEBSPACE------------------ӿӼbr>
wasted webspace site of the day:
[Unavailable]
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Amy, a blonde, was driving down the street in a sweat because she had
an important doctors appointment and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life
and give up margaritas."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Amy looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Children in backseats cause accidents -
Accidents in backseats cause children
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Two Possible Alternatives Due To High Gas Prices
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hgp.shtml
Sometimes We Lose Sight of Simple Pleasures
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/simplepleasures.shtml
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grandmareindeer.shtml
Santa Trades Up For A New Mrs. Claus
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mrscl.shtml
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A farmer finally decided to buy a televion set. The store assured
him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The
next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the
TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat
lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the
store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every
channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their
repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check
the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had
found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the
windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
An Interview with Santa
by Sheila Moss
Humor Columnist.com is proud to present an exclusive interview with
one of the most famous characters of our time and all time. We have
managed to wrangle an interview with one of the truly great
humanitarians and philanthropists.
Please welcome, Mr. Santa Claus!
1. Santa, you set ambitious goals and work hard to achieve them,
don't you?
Yes, Santa has ambitious goals. Santa has to. How else will
all the children get toys? I work 364 days a year. It isn't
easy being Santa.
2. Do you like situations that require thinking?
Santa loves a challenge. He likes to think of the perfect gift for
every boy and girl in the world. He spends a lot of time thinking
about what gifts to make and how to keep the toy manufactures from
fouling up
3. What about the election Santa, how do you feel about the outcome?
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/santaclaus.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/santaclaus.htm
ӿӭ------------------DAILY
TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿӼbr>
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
An expecting couple was at a child birth preparation class
along with other couples.
"All you mommies to be should know that walking while your
pregnant is very beneficial," admonished the birthing coach.
"And you husbands, it wouldn't hurt you to take time to go
walking with your partners."
One Husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"
ӿӭ-----------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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Merry PissMas
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Ho Ho Ho Dream
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ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me
Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair
remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money.
I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot
lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any
questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination.
When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you
have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son", he
replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash
down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined
for
use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Be Thankful You Didn't Get These Hats For Xmas
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badhats.shtml
No Partridge In A Pear Tree This Year
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nopartridge.shtml
Ho Ho Ho
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hohoho.shtml
Santa Has Some Christmas Candy For You
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/xmascandy.shtml
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A bank robber fled empty-handed in Austria after being referred
to a different counter. The clerk he approached tolm his she did
not "deal with those types of queries". But there was a big queue
for the next cashier at the Landeskbank-Hypothekenbank in Vienna.
So the man, who was holding a silver box that he claimed was a bomb,
fled before repeating his request. Clerk Maria Bertel said: "He came
up to me wearing his scarf wrapped high around his face and said he
wanted money. I said I didn't deal with money here and told him to
go to the next counter. "It was only afterwards I realised he was
trying to rob the bank. We called the police, but by the time they
came he had run off."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas
Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river
was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.
"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints
back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of
his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the
5th."
The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner
will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College
Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the
place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night.
Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs
and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's
claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.
"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did
happen to my sister."
ӿӭ------------------------QUICK
WIT-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
NEW YORK----AL SHARPTON IS DEVELOPING A CBS SITCOM TO BE CALLED "AL IN
THE FAMILY." (Associated Press 12/4)
With Oprah Winfrey as Edith and Spike Lee as Meathead.
TAMPA, FL----25-YEAR OLD FEMALE TEACHER PLEADS GUILTY TO HAVING SEX WITH
A 15-YEAR OLD STUDENT. (USA Today 11/23)
Police questioned the lad for eight hours----four just to get the smile
off his face.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Sam walks into the kitchen and finds Anni, his wife, sitting
at the table sobbing wildly.
"What's the problem?" Sam asks.
Anni replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" Sam asks.
"He's been arrested."? Anni wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," Anni sobs. "He just said he was calling me on
his cell phone."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What's the difference between your paycheck and
your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your
paycheck!
ӿӭ--------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ӿӼbr>
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"MICHAEL JACKSON'S FAN LETTER FROM INDIA"
Dear Michael,
My name is Chandrika, an English teacher in Madurai and your
greatest fan in India. I started enjoying your music many
years ago, during the late '70s or early '80s, back in the
days when you didn't look so much like your sister LaToya.
You were my childhood idol, Michael, with your great voice,
amazing dancing and wonderful Afro. You were the epitome of
the phrase "tall, dark and handsome," even if the "tall"
part was largely a result of your hair.
I was proud that someone as dark-skinned as me had achieved
so much and was adored by millions of people. You see, even
as a child, I was made to feel uneasy about my complexion.
My elder sister, Radhika, was fair-skinned and all my
relatives commented that she had "good color," while
debating endlessly what had happened to me. Some thought I
had played too much in the sun. Others wondered if my mother
had sprinkled enough powder on me as a baby. A few concluded
that, given my sister's fair skin, all I needed was a good
scrubbing in the bathtub.
If you think that was bad, you should hear what happened to
me when my father, an Army captain, was transferred north to
Delhi. I was a teen-ager then and had to endure all sorts of
ridicule from the light-skinned girls in my school. One girl
said that I was the black sheep of my family and that my
parents must have bought me on the black market. I wanted to
give her a black eye. Another girl kept saying I was as
black as a crow. I wanted to peck her eyes out.
Children can be cruel, but Indians of all ages are obsessed
with skin color. That's why my sister got married so easily.
My father placed a matrimonial ad describing Radhika as
"extremely fair" and she found a groom the very next day.
(He runs a tailor shop, but managed to impress my father by
calling himself a "softwear designer.") I didn't have any
luck at all with my ad, unless you count the three proposals
I received from Central Prison. Those rascals must have
missed the line in which I said "no bars."
My relatives advised me to try again, saying I should put
the word "fair" in my ad. So I wrote another matrimonial ad
and said that I had won first prize in the science fair. But
the men, they don't care about that kind of fair. It's so
unfair.
My relatives then suggested I try various methods of
lightening my skin. First I tried all the beauty creams,
including "Fair & Lovely," "Fair Glow," and
"Fairy-tale."
None of them lightened my skin, though they did manage to
lighten my purse. Next I tried covering myself in a paste of
coconut milk, white flour and talcum powder. That worked out
well, but only until the paste dried and cracked in many
places. I looked like Sonia Gandhi's great-grandmother.
It was during this time that I noticed something amazing:
You, Michael, had somehow transformed yourself from black to
white. I said to myself, "He's a great composer, wonderful
singer, superb dancer. And now he's managed to change color.
Is there anything this man can't do?"
When my relatives heard about your transformation, they told
me to experiment some more. For a few years, I tried
moonwalking, wearing a white glove and hanging out with lots
of children. I even got myself a pet monkey named Bubbles.
But my complexion didn't change, not even under the glove.
Then someone informed me that you suffer from some sort of
skin condition. If that's true, Michael, I'm sorry to hear
it. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
My relatives, however, want me to ask you this: Is it
contagious? And if so, Michael, when are you coming to
India?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com