ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
So I took a week off last week and travelled to
for a conference. It was my first trip to our nation's capital and
I have to say I was impressed. There is so much history behind
the buildings and the area. I only wish that it was a little bit
warmer ... I arrived in the middle of a snowstorm and it pretty
well snowed the whole time I was there. My time spent in
get the chance to climb the
There is something special about being in the same building
as some of
Speaking of politicians ...something that Canada sadly lacks
these days is great politicians ... and it just got worse ... our
government collapsed on Monday evening and now we are
going into a middle of the winter election ...something that
we haven't experienced in decades! The only bright side of
a mid-winter election is that with all the hot air being spouted
by politicians ..it will be a warm winter! ;)
Christmas is less than a month away ...have you bought my
gift yet?
Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, JB, Joanie, Stan,
Rubin, Tammy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says; "Forget it! You won't bring it back."
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Just Don't Call Me "Deferred Funny"
As a columnist, I try to stay informed, keeping my eyes peeled for the
next big idea for a future column. Unfortunately, I can't keep up with
everything that goes on in the world. There are some things that just
escape my attention, and I don't hear about unless someone alerts me.
Usually, the stories are not such a big deal, and I don't regret missing
them -- like last week, when CNN placed a big black 'X' over Vice
President Dick Cheney's face during a live speech in which he blasted
critics of the Iraq war. (Rumor has it that the CNN techs were playing
Spot the Liar, and got a little carried away.)
But sometimes the stories are of such importance and magnitude that I
kick myself for missing them. Last week I discovered I missed a great
story that happened back in July. One could almost argue that it was a
"deferred discovery," rather than a missed opportunity, but I'm not
one
to create a new name just to make myself feel better.
Unlike some people I could name.
According to a story on the BBC's website (www.bbc.co.uk), retired
British schoolteacher Liz Beattie wanted to eliminate the word
"failure"
from the British educational system, and replace it instead with
"deferred success." In other words, students don't fail their exams,
they have a "deferred success" with them. British parents would
hopefully then give their children a time out ("deferred spanking")
until they promised to do better.
Beattie created the proposal because she believed that repeated failure
could shatter a student's enthusiasm for school. "For most of my
teaching career I have been upset by seeing some children give up on
themselves," she said in a conference of the British Professional
Association of Teachers.
She probably didn't realize that it's the mind-numbing boredom
("deferred excitement") that wrecks a kid's enthusiasm for school.
Failure is just a distraction from the tedium.
"I think we all need to succeed at something. You need encouragement
rather than being told you haven't done very well," she told The Times
of London Newspaper ("deferred bird cage liner").
However, most members of the PAT who heard the idea thought it was
pretty stupid ("deferred intelligent").
You could argue that students who repeatedly failed their exams actually
don't have success issues. Rather, their teachers just aren't that good
("deferred competent"). As the United State's No Child Left Behind
plan
("deferred effective") has reminded us, repeated or constant failure
doesn't always lie with the students ("deferred felons"). Sometimes
it's
the fault of the teachers.
Maybe Ms. Beattie should have focused more on teachers' competencies
than the words used to show a student was not able to pass an exam or
two. Or five.
But you do have to appreciate her commitment. "What happens when an exam
is failed but, for example, three-quarters of it is perfectly
satisfactorily done?" she said in an interview on BBC Radio Four
("deferred static").
Well, three-quarters is 75%, which is a solid C in the American
("deferred Canadian") grading system. So I don't know if I would even
start to call that a failure.
However, she did have a few allies ("deferred laughing stock") to her
cause. Wesley Paxton, a member of the PAT's council supported Beattie.
"Elsewhere we applaud those who persevere, like marathon contestants who
take days to complete. It's time we made the word 'fail' redundant and
replaced it with 'please do a bit more.'" he told BBC Four.
Unfortunately, it's the "please do a bit more" that would have most
marathoners stampeding Paxton like a herd of enraged bulls.
Luckily, Beattie's motion lost ("deferred won") later that summer
("deferred winter"). This may be partly attributed to British
Education
Secretary Ruth Kelly, who told BBC Radio Four, "For that particular
proposal, I think I might give them nought out of ten ("deferred dope
slap")."
The PAT voted, the motion failed , and the British educational system
dodged a serious PC bullet ("deferred the inevitable").
"It's really important for young people to grow up with the ability to
get on and achieve, but also to find out what failure is," Kelly said.
"When young people grow up and enter the adult world, they have to deal
with success and failure."
So, at least for the next few years, British ("deferred French")
students will be able to pass and/or fail their exams at their
convenience. At least until another British teacher ("deferred
principal") comes up with another idea that gives me fodder for another
column ("deferred novel").
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the
other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous!
We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"According to a new study, 99% of women say they
don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works
out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather
pants don't like women."
-Conan O'Brien
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Nun and Relatives??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nunpeng.shtml
Good Use For A Spoiler on a Porsche
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/porschespoiler.shtml
Female Bodybuilders and What Might Happen When They
Stop
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/build.shtml
Heavy Duty Massage
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/heavymassage.shtml
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ--------------------WASTED
WEBSPACE------------------ӿӼbr>
wasted webspace site of the day:
[Not available!]
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
His Name Fits His Gravestone
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house
for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a
trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it
into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed
the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out
of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her
serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out
the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to
cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Interview with a Turkey
by Sheila Moss
Good day, Mr. Turkey. Thank you for agreeing to speak
with us about life in the turkey shed and the approaching
holiday season.
1. What sort of goals in life does a turkey have?
Well, I've been on a very strict diet lately. We turkeys have to really
watch our weight at this time of the year or we could end up in hot water.
My actual goal is to shrivel up to about the size of a feather duster.
2. Do you try to keep a positive attitude?
Oh yes, I've been lucky so far, made it though several Thanksgivings
already. Just have to hide behind the door when you see them coming
with the meat thermometer.
3. Do you have any significant relationships?
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/turkeyinterview.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/turkeyinterview.htm
ӿӭ------------------DAILY
TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿӼbr>
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive
budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.
It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in
the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How
did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the
situation? .
"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine."
The base was quite far from "civilization" with the obvious result
that
the troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more popular
pastimes was card playing. A large number of groups met regularly to
indulge themselves. Bridge, poker, and gin rummy were played, but the
most popular game by far was hearts.
It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the troops.
One in particular was unanimously hated. As a result, he was never
invited to any of the card sessions. When he complained to the
Commanding Officier it was decided to put a stop to the whole business
with the following command:
Sgt. Pepper's lonely. Hearts club banned.
ӿӭ-----------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Face It Friend
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/faceit.shtml
Priceless Survival Priorities
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Apparently She Holds The Guinness World Record
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A Guy's Perfect Date - A Beer, A Babe & A BJ
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ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days
with no food and little water...
One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they
crawled into a clearing and there, right in front of them, stood
a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large
menu board.
With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves
across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50
They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a
table, and a waiter came to take their order.
Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can
you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced
about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so
much higher. Why is that?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "Did you ever try to
clean
one of those suckers?"
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The Impact Desperate Housewives Has On Women
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dhimpact.shtml
Ladies Chair
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ladieschair.shtml
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seniortips.shtml
He Supports Women
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chooseme.shtml
Mouseketeers
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mouseketeers.shtml
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A teenager has been charged with indecent exposure after he
was caught trying to have sex with a female mannequin on
display at an arts centre. Security guards found Michael
Plentyhorse sprawled with the dummy on the floor with his
trousers and pants down. Police spokesman Loren McManus
said: "There was inappropriate activity between him and
the mannequin. "That's the only way I know how to put it."
Guards said they had noticed several times before that the
dummy's clothes had been removed at the centre in Sioux
Falls, South Dakota, US. If convicted, Plentyhorse may be
registered as a sex offender. Hope Matchan, of the
prosecutors' department, said: "People might say it's
relatively harmless. But I certainly would want to know if
this person was my neighbour."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "NO."
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
ӿӭ------------------------QUICK
WIT-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Unavailable]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they
have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can
hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits
with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic,
they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut
up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why did the bacterium cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.
ӿӭ--------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ӿӼbr>
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"ANYTHING GOES ON CHENNAI ROADS"
Poor ignorant me. I used to think New York City was the
ultimate test of a driver's skills, that once you had
labored down one of those snarled streets, you could handle
traffic anywhere. But I've just experienced traffic in
Chennai, one of India's biggest cities, and let me tell you
this: New York City is child's play. Take a Chennai taxi
driver to the Big Apple and he'd glide through traffic
during rush hour, blindfolded with one arm tied behind his
back and the gear stuck in reverse.
"How did it go, Ramaswamy?" you'd ask him.
"What, sir," he'd say with a perplexed expression, "is today
a holiday or something?"
"No, Ramaswamy, it's the busiest day of the year. The city
is hosting a championship parade for its baseball team, not
to mention the annual convention of the Larry King Ex-Wives
Association. So what are your impressions?"
"New York drivers are so nice, sir. Kind and nice. Such
polite people. I am also impressed with all the pavements
here. Very smooth to drive on. So much space. And no one is
sleeping on them."
"Any other thoughts, Ramaswamy?"
"I like all the one-way streets, sir, because I have to
worry only about oncoming traffic. No one is trying to get
past me. And the pedestrians, they are so few here. I had to
swerve around only six or seven."
"But what about the rules, Ramaswamy? Don't you follow
them?"
"Rules? Hahaha! In Chennai, we have only one rule: Don't
give the police more than you have to."
Anything goes on Chennai roads, not just cars, trucks and
buses. I've seen such an array of vehicles bicycles,
scooters, motorcycles, auto-rickshaws, vans, carts that I
would barely raise an eyebrow if I spotted an airplane
weaving through traffic. "It costs too much to park it at
the airport," the pilot would say. "So I've decided to drive
it from home. Those are my relatives sitting on the wings."
Now and then, you may also see a stray cow in the middle of
the road. But most animals, thankfully, are smart enough to
stay away from the madness. Humans, on the other hand, aren't
just trying to travel down the road many are actually
trying to walk across it. This requires good reflexes and
agility, for you never know where a vehicle will appear
from. Indeed, Indians would be guaranteed a gold medal if
"traffic dodging" ever becomes an Olympic event.
At the busiest times, it's hard to find space between
vehicles. What Americans call "tailgating," Indians call
"good driving." If you leave the slightest gap between your
car and the next, someone will try to squeeze into it. And
you'd better put your foot on the brake, otherwise you may
run over the encroaching party, perhaps a cyclist
transporting bags of groceries or a motorcyclist carrying
his family of 12.
If brakes are overworked in Chennai, so are horns, warning
everyone of a vehicle's approach. The incessant beeping is
the chief contributor to noise pollution, other than local
politicians. Some drivers, worried about straining their
fingers, have programmed their horns to blare every three
seconds. That's why, if you ask a hotel clerk for a wake up
call, he'll smile and say, "Don't worry. You'll be up at
dawn. It's a great benefit of the city."
What amazes me most about Chennai traffic is the apparent
lack of concern for personal safety. Few motorcyclists wear
helmets, few drivers wear seat belts. But many motorists do
have pictures of gods in their vehicles, so there's at least
some much-needed praying going on.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com