ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I was amazed to hear on Monday evening as I watched The
Tonight Show with Jay Leno that Jay was telling the weird
news story that I ran in last week's issue about men having
their testicles hit with an electric probe to make them infertile
for about 10 days ... nice to know that I beat Leno to the
punch! ;)
Thanks to those of you that visited the eBay link from last
week ...and thanks for suggesting a change in the listing ...
but it couldn't be done at that time ...so there is another
listing up there that expires in about 24 hours ... you can
own one (or more) of these at a great "Buy It Now!" price:
<a href=" http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=8721688881&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT
">eBay</a>
OR try the Tiny URL link:
<a href=" http://tinyurl.com/cw9t7
">eBay</a>
AND finally for this week ... I am not sure it I will be putting
an issue out next week ...Wednesday evening I am off to
Ottawa, Ontario for a few days to attend a conference and
I just don't know how much time I will have to spare for an
issue ...so it may be a couple of weeks before you see the
next one. Have a great week ...don't forget to enter the
contest!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Laura, JB, Tammy,
Ron, Pat.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
**Special contest announcement ... using the link below .. sign up
to at least ONE ezine and your name will be entered into a draw for
a $20.00 Amazon.com gift certificate. One entry will be made for
every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
into the contest when you use the link below.
Contest closes November 30th 2005.**
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Okay, So Now What?
A few weeks ago, I wrote an advice column on high school dating for near
geeks, semi-geeks, and band members. Since then, I've been overwhelmed
by by emails from current and former high school geeks, asking me what
to do next.
One fictitious email from fictitious reader Brett Schultz said:
"Hail and well met, good sir Erik. I bid you adieu from the hinterlands
of
have followed your sage advice and have actually secured a date with a
REAL LIVE GIRL! Oh my God, I never actually expected this to work! What
do I do? What do I do? Oh man, I can't do this. I can't go -- oh, I
can't breathe. I'm hyperventilating."
After I got Brett to breathe into a paper bag, I decided to write this
column for him and all those other Romeos-to-be who were now too
light-headed to watch their Star Trek reruns.
Okay, so you've identified a girl you like (she's breathing) and you've
asked her out ("Will you umm. . . that is, do you uhh. . ."). To
everyone's amazement, including your own, she said she would love to go
to dinner and a movie with you.
There are actually a few simple rules to dating someone else's teenage
daughter, besides the ones her father spelled out in his best-selling
book and hit television show. They are as follows:
Rule #1: Choose a nice restaurant. This is a simple one. Don't choose a
restaurant where you can "supersize" your meal. But don't overshoot
the
mark and pretend that you're sophisticated. Chances are your date has
heard about the time you stuffed 200 Gummi Bears in your mouth, so she
knows you're not a regular at "Le Snooty Frenchman." Pick something
fairly casual like one of the many family-friendly chain restaurants.
It's not great, but it won't give you garlic burp breath when you reach
Rule #4.
Rule #2: Don't order messy food. You don't want complicated food that
will get stuck between your teeth or end up in your lap. When I took my
junior prom date to dinner, I made the mistake of ordering barbecued
ribs. I was so nervous, I couldn't cut them, let alone eat them. I kept
hitting bones, and eventually just gave up and took them home. Turns out
I was cutting against the direction of the ribs, not with them. Avoid
the same mistake and order something easy and clean, like plain lettuce
and a glass of water.
Rule #3: We've already covered why you're a semi-geek in the first
place, so this rule is simple. Don't pick a movie you've been dying to
see. Your tastes are, well, a little weird. That's why you've had dating
troubles in the first place. You're going to find yourself back at
square one if you take her to see anything with lasers, phasers, or
beings from another planet. Go to a movie she wants to see. Remember,
you're on a date, you're not there to be entertained. Be entertained
later when you can watch the Sci-Fi channel at home.
Rule #4: The goodnight kiss. This is the do-or-die stage. Most boys are
probably thinking beyond this, but this is a family column. That, and
her father is a gun nut. And mentally unbalanced. Just be happy he
didn't go along with you, like he originally wanted. So be a gentleman.
They make smaller targets.
By now, most of you semi-geeks are gasping for air and reaching for your
paper bags again, wondering what to do now.
You've parked in her driveway, and although her mom hasn't started
flicking the porchlight off and on, the clock is running.
"Well, uhh. . . I had a great time," you say.
"Me too," she says.
Then you sit in awkward silence, wondering frantically, "Should I kiss
her? Will she let me? Or will she laugh? What if she tells everyone I'm
a bad kisser? Oh God, what would Captain Picard do?"
Meanwhile she's sitting there wondering, "Is he going to kiss me or not?
Do I have garlic burp breath?"
Just let your instincts kick in. Close your eyes, lean toward her and
hope she's not recoiling back in horror. Bulls-eye! Okay, slightly to
the left of bulls-eye -- you only missed her face by a couple inches.
But after a few minor adjustments, you're locked in for your first kiss.
Not too shabby for a charter member of the local Society for Creative
Anachronism chapter.
You finally come up for air after several minutes, wisely not mentioning
the moment you both sneaked a peek at each other at the exact same time.
You experience a rush of emotions, and think "wow, this could really go
somewhere." This brings me to the final rule.
Rule #5: I don't care how great the kiss was, do not share your feelings
and future plans for the relationship with her. Wait for her to talk
about it after another date or two. Or ten. Let it all develop
naturally. Let it grow on its own.
By then, you'll be ready for the final column in this series: How to
Survive Being Dumped by Your First Girlfriend.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Nothing says "This is serious" like a corpse on the floor.
-Michelle Wincek
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Happy Freaking Thanksgiving
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/happythanks.shtml
The Turkey Is Done
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/turkeydone.shtml
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ--------------------WASTED
WEBSPACE------------------ӿӼbr>
wasted webspace site of the day:
a step by step guide
<a href=" http://home.comcast.net/~vivisel/pumpkin/ ">pumpkin
computer</a>
http://home.comcast.net/~vivisel/pumpkin/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, listed from the least to the most critical,
please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. Hell, if I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have
signed up in the first place!
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Turkey Sauna
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/turkeysauna.shtml
The Turkey Is Hiding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/turkeyhide.shtml
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A woman bought a do-it-yourself closet, which she put together in about
an hour. As she stood admiring her handiwork, a train passed by right
outside her house. The closet crumpled to the ground in a heap! "I must
have done something wrong," thought the woman, so she went to work and
reassembled the entire thing. As soon as she finished, another train
rumbled by and the whole thing collapsed again. Fed up with this exercise
in futility, she called the store where she bought it and insisted they
send out a technician.
He arrived, rebuilt the entire thing again, all the while thinking her
story about the train was a total fabrication. When he finished, he
summoned her into the bedroom. "You see, ma'am, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with..." just as another train passed. Sure enough,
the closet fell apart again.
"Unbelievable!" he cried. "You were right! Look, I'm going to
reassemble
this again, and this time wait inside it until another train passes.
That was, I'll see what happens and be able to fix it." "Okay,"
says
the exasperated woman. He put it together for the fourth time, climbed
inside, and shut the door.
Just then, the woman's husband arrived home from work, saw the technician's
toolbox and shouted, "What going on here? Do you have a secret lover?
I bet he's hiding in this closet!" So whips open the closet door and finds
the technician. "What in the hell are you doing in there !?"
The technician could say nothing except, "You may not believe this, but
I'm waiting for a train!"
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
The Party Animal
by Sheila Moss
My honey is behaving obsessively again. He gets a party or
social occasion on his mind that he wants to go to and
absolutely drives me crazy about it until it is over. It
doesn't have to be anything major or even important. It
just has to be something he wants to do.
For example, last week he told me we were invited to a
wedding.
"Whose?" I asked, as I couldn't think of anyone we knew.
"Angela's daughter and her finance."
"Who's that?"
"Somebody I work with."
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/partyanimal.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/partyanimal.htm
ӿӭ------------------DAILY
TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿӼbr>
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm
Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school,
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
ӿӭ-----------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Message From The Turkey
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/turkeymessage.shtml
Pluck Me???
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pluckme.shtml
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
******* WIN
FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet
Paper</a>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's
heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees and he begins to
think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
ӿӭ-------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿӼbr>
When Turkeys Revolt
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/trkyrevolt.shtml
Possible Sign The Date Has Gone Bad
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dategonebad.shtml
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A train driver caused delays on a German rail line after
mistaking a giant toy penguin for a dead man in a tuxedo.
Passengers were left stranded in Neuwied after Udo Vergens
pulled the emergency stop when he saw what he thought was
a man lying face down and wearing a black and white tuxedo.
Officials who came to investigate found only a man-size
soft toy penguin lying on the tracks. A Neuwied police
spokesman said: "We are at a loss to explain the presence
of this very large penguin. "We would think you would
notice if you lost something like this."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing
up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Mr.
Bush doubts France's ability to hold out since they are facing
an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers.
"Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would
expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it
might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under
control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but
he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of
arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding
even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third
time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to do
the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as
soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen.
Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant
with them. The less they stand out, the better.
ӿӭ------------------------QUICK
WIT-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
HAYWARD, WIS----THE DEER HUNTER WHO SHOT SIX FELLOW DEER HUNTERS TO
DEATH WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE, NO PAROLE. (Associated Press 11/9)
Before you ask, he won't be allowed to mount their heads on his cell
wall.
TORONTO----MC MASTER UNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS FIND EVIDENCE THAT A 1200
POUND GORILLA LIVED IN ASIA FOR 1 MILLION YEARS BEFORE DYING OUT 100,000
YEARS AGO. (USA Today 11/9)
The convincing evidence includes DNA sampling, carbon dating of bone
fragments and a description provided by Dick Clark.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Man: "Can I buy you a whiskey?"
Lady: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs"
Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free
Panties</a>
ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What did the cannibal order for take-out?
Pizza with everyone on it.
ӿӭ--------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ӿӼbr>
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DON'T SPIT ON A GOOD HABIT"
I visited a dentist in India the other day and, silly me,
walked right into her office wearing my sandals. How
embarrassing. She had to tell me to remove my footwear and
leave them beside the door. I don't think I offended her in
any way, but I'm not sure because she spent the next five
hours drilling my teeth.
You'd think I'd be used to Indian customs, having grown up
in an Indian family abroad and married a woman raised in
India. In fact, the habit of leaving footwear at the door is
one that my wife, Malathi, has been enforcing in our home,
insisting that it helps keep the dirt out. Our carpet gets
quite dirty nevertheless, because we haven't yet adopted
another habit: leaving our children at the door.
I don't mind taking my shoes off before entering the house,
but it can be a pain sometimes, especially when I'm rushing
to use the bathroom. At such a critical moment, it seems
senseless to be untying my shoelaces, as though my big toe
wants to relieve itself. One of these days, there's going to
be an accident and I will look at Malathi sheepishly, point
downward and say, "Look, honey. No shoes!"
People in India tend to wear sandals, so it's easy for them
to remove their footwear before entering a home, office or
temple. It seems to be a good habit, for you never know what
you might have stepped on in the street. Some streets are
extremely clean, especially if a politician lives there.
Other streets are a mess -- it's like walking into a
teen-age boy's bedroom, but with no pictures of
Pamela Anderson.
Despite the mess, some Indians don't seem to mind walking
everywhere barefooted. If they were visiting our home,
Malathi would have to get tough. "Hey, don't come in here
with those feet! Here's a pair of shoes!"
Every culture has some good customs and some questionable
ones. But it's often what you're used to. While visiting
relatives in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, I was
surprised that the female hosts didn't eat with us, but
instead stood nearby and refilled our plates and cups when
necessary. They gave us such good service, it seemed utterly
rude of us not to leave a tip.
As a guest, I enjoyed this special treatment, but it was
also clear to me that the women were following a custom that
puts men's needs ahead of theirs. The men eat first, while
the women serve them. Then the women eat, while the men
check the cricket scores. Of course, this doesn't happen in
every household. Some men check football scores.
After meals and at other times, it's not uncommon for men to
chew "paan" or betel leaves, along with nuts and flavorings,
then spit out the red mixture onto whatever surface is
available. Spitting is an art form in India -- you should
see some of the patterns on the walls. In one building, I
saw a sign on the wall that said, "No spitting," and under
it, someone had left some "spit art." It may seem like a
disgusting habit, but probably not to the men who do it.
They're beautifying India.
Paan chewer: "Look, Deepak, I just created a picture of the
prime minister on the wall. Quite a likeness, no?"
Friend: "Yes, Suresh, it's amazing! The spitting image of
him."
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com