ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I have something special for you today ... I just listed an item on
eBay and if you are interested you can place a bid. I have a
bunch of these for sale ...so make a bid and you'll probably
get one!
<a href=" http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=8720708824&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT
">eBay</a>
AND just in case that link breaks ...you can follow the link below
and it will take you to the same place:
<a href=" http://tinyurl.com/aojwk
">eBay</a>
As an added treat ... I found some of the most interesting and
forbbiden sex pictures around .... so I placed them on my web-
site for your viewing pleasure:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/zoo/
">Sex!</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/zoo/
And on that note ... something happened really interesting in our
house last night. Last spring we got a small dwarf bunny for one
of my kids and it enjoys running around the house in the evenings.
For the most part it is litter trained so it isn't too much of a problem.
We also have a female cat who is about nine years old and has been
fixed. The bunny (who until last night we weren't sure of the sex)
follows the cat around the house and will not leave it alone. At first
the cat would just climb up high away from the bunny ... but now the
bunny can follow the cat anywhere ... so our poor cat is tormented
whenever the bunny is out of the cage. We were all sitting around
in the living room yesterday evening when suddenly I noticed the
bunny climb on top of the cat and begin to "hump" it quite violently!
As I said ...until last night we were not sure what sex the bunny was ...
but we are 99.9% certain it is a male now! ;) Needless to say the
cat was very unimpressed by his actions and made a run for the door
to be let out ... which, once she got outside, she realized that we had
received over a foot of snow yesterday and she just hates snow! Poor
kitty is really going to have a rough time now ...at least until the bunny
gets his "nuts off" ... and I mean that literally! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Tammy, Sherri, Laura, JB, Rubin.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
When do you see a "Blue Moon"?
When a Smurf drops his pants!
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Our Marriage Vows Didn't Mention This
The great thing about my job is that I get to work out of my house. I
don't have to go anywhere, unless it's for a meeting. And my three young
children feel free to come into my office to romp and play, whenever
they feel like it.
The downside is that I have to work out of my house. I don't get to go
anywhere, unless it's for a meeting. And my three young children feel
free to come into my office to romp and play, whenever they feel like
it.
But by being around all day, I can enjoy more time with my kids. On one
hand, this means I can attend their daytime events, help put them down
for a nap after lunch, or knock off work early to go do something fun.
On the other hand, gone are the days of bribing my two-year-old son to
wait until I leave for work before he "makes" in his diaper.
Of course, working at home also means that I'm around to help out more
often too. I can't use "working late" to avoid helping with dinner,
or
go on business trips to put off mowing the lawn for a week. So my wife
and I divide the responsibilities in our house.
We each have our own duties that we look after. And we try to make sure
neither of us has more work than the other.
It's not the "You have a lot to do today, why don't you let me clean
that for you" approach. It's more like the "Hey, why do you only have
to
clean the bathroom, but I have to vacuum and dust the entire house and
clean the kitchen."
The nasty looks from my wife remind me that I need to try the first
approach more often.
But there are certain duties that neither of us want to claim -- like
changing my son's diapers -- so we try to avoid these by finding a more
desirable task to do instead. Like re-shingling the roof or cleaning The
Fuzzy Blue Thing out of the refrigerator.
Sometimes, we'll negotiate our way to an agreement: "I'll explain the
birds and bees to the girls if you change him for me." Other times,
we'll just play Rock Paper Scissors for it, and the loser changes the
diaper.
This is different from some of the more "traditional" families I know
who still cling to gender-based roles (i.e. the husband works, the wife
manages the house). Instead, they play Rock Paper Scissors Y Chromosome.
The Y Chromosome beats everything.
Wife: Someone needs to make dinner. I've got Rock.
Husband: I've got Y Chromosome, I win again! I'll be in the basement
watching the game.
Happily, my wife and I don't do things that way. I say happily, because
the first time I suggested it, I slept on the couch for three days. So
instead, we've compromised. I'll help out with more of the icky stuff
and she'll let me sleep in our bed again.
Of course, we still try to get out of certain jobs, usually by
conveniently going missing for an hour, or immersing ourselves in a
different project that we absolutely cannot leave under any
circumstances whatsoever.
"No, I can't give the kids a bath. This paint won't dry if I quit
watching it."
Another favorite trick is to pretend we're still asleep when one of our
kids wakes up in the middle of the night demanding our attention.
"Erik, he's calling you."
(Silence)
"Hey wake up. Our son is calling for you."
(More Silence)
"Erik, I know you're awake. Your breathing changed, and you quit
snoring."
"*Sigh* Then why can't you go see what he wants?
"Because he's calling for you. Besides, I'm still asleep."
At three in the morning, I can't argue with logic like this, at least
not if I want to be allowed back into bed. So I go downstairs and tend
to my son who's been hollering for me because he's awake and wonders
what I'm doing.
Unfortunately, no family is free of distasteful tasks and tedious
chores. We all have them, and no one wants to do them. So everyone
develops their own ways of getting out of doing them. Great little
tricks to avoid the things they absolutely hate. Clever techniques to
get the other person to change the diaper or scrub the toilet.
So if you know any good ones, please let me know. I'm running out of
ideas.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they
decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the
knot, they went out for heart to heart talk over dinner about
whether it would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so
on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about
sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say
that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over
his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you
do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know, look around,
listen to the radio"
-Bill Braudis
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Oooppps, Looks Like She Is Stuck
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Protection</a>
ӿ-----------------------BACK ISSUES-------------------------------ӿ
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
time travel is very possible if you follow this
<a href=" http://www.timetravelfund.com/index.html ">time
travel</a>
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To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on
the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway,
greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem
egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked,
"What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on
their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted
her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the
breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is
from a
man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
One Fish, Two Fish
by Sheila Moss
"Okay, stupid fish! Be still and smile." It was no use, the
fish insisted on swimming around the tank, giving me the fish
eye, and making it impossible to focus and click.
We were at the Tennessee Aquarium. On the spur of the moment,
we had decided to drive to Chattanooga and take my grandson to
the aquarium. He has been before, but kids don't care, they
like to do the same things over and over.
Somehow it looked much larger than when I was there before.
There also were many more parking lots now, but all were full.
I thought we would never find a parking place until we finally
resorted to the top deck of the parking garage.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/fish.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/fish.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and
being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he
started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but
when he
came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking
him to school everyday.
He wanted to be like the "big boys."
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow
her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely
notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway,
it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out
following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy
he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little
Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she
seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all
week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following
us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the
23rd Psalm
with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And it says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of
my life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs"
in
a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the
changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get
that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came
in."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered
to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.
Serbian fertility expert Dr Sava Bojovic, who runs one of the
clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock
makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into
a state of immobility. He said: "We attach electrodes to either
side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing
through them. "This stuns the sperm, effectively putting them to
sleep for up to 10 days, which means couples can have sex without
fear of getting pregnant.
"The method does not kill the sperm permanently and it does not
affect the patient's health." Dr Bojovic added patients were now
lining up at his fertility clinic in Novi Banovci for the shock
treatment, as it had none of the problems attached to using condoms,
the male pill or having a vasectomy. He added: "We are hoping to
have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in time
for Xmas."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Top 10 Signs that you need to buy a new car
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register
of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your
steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that
windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and
asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom,
vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when
discussing morning tie-ups."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
SOMALIA----PIRATES ATTACK CRUISE SHIP SEABORNE SPIRIT, FIRE
SHOULDER-LAUNCHED MISSILES... (CBS News 11/6)
Whilst passengers broke out in spontaneous applause, thinking the ship's
entertainers were promoting their new show, "Pirates of Penzance."
LOS ANGELES----NBC TO DEBUT "SLEUTH," A CABLE CHANNEL DEDICATED TO
MURDER, MYSTERY AND MAYHEM. (USA Today 11/3)
It won't be listed in the weekly log, though. You have to investigate
and find it yourself.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and
partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and
after many years they decided to Anglicize their
names and henceforth the firm should be known
as the Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed
the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she
should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will
be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't
want to answer and find that the caller says he
wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say
"Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What is the difference between a brunette and a bag of garbage?
At least the garbage gets taken out once per week!
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DON'T FORGET YOUR PROTECTIVE ATTIRE IN INDIA"
It's oppressively hot in India, but you wouldn't know it
from the way people dress. They wear saris, salwar kameezes,
kurtas or other long garments, traditional clothing that was
designed many years ago by people living in the North Pole.
Some of those people migrated to India, but despite the
stifling heat, decided not to change their clothing and
expose more of their skin. They were concerned about
morality, of course, but not as much as they were concerned
about mosquitoes.
India isn't full of mosquitoes, but it has more than its
fair share. That's why government officials, noticing the
scarcity of mosquitoes in some countries, have wisely formed
the Indian Mosquito Export Agency. If you live in a country
that isn't blessed with mosquitoes, you can finally do
something about it! Act now while supplies are high and
prices are low!
There are many reasons to import mosquitoes. You can conduct
research on them. You can keep them as pets. You can give
them to friends at Christmas. Just remember this: Unlike
cats, mosquitoes will not ignore you. You'll enjoy their
company day and night.
Your investment is guaranteed to increase exponentially.
Yes, buy six mosquitoes today and you'll have 200 in a few
weeks. You can start your own mosquito supply company.
Don't worry about depleting India's mosquito resources.
Thanks to good planning by the government, India has built a
large reserve of mosquitoes, enough to keep the world
well-supplied for years.
The country has so many mosquitoes that anyone who goes days
without being bitten will eventually have this uneasy
thought: "What's wrong with my blood? Even the mosquitoes
don't want it. Perhaps I should get it tested."
If you're a musician performing in India, don't assume that
the audience is clapping for you. They're probably swatting
mosquitoes. In fact, many Indian classical dances have
incorporated mosquito swatting into their movements. That
gentle touch of the belly may seem subtle, but not to a
mosquito.
Indians have learned to protect themselves from mosquitoes.
Some sleep under mosquito nets, others cover their bodies
with ointment, and a few try to repulse mosquitoes by not
taking baths.
Perhaps the best protection is the Secured Attire for
Resisting Insects (SARI). Mosquitoes aren't fond of saris,
because each sari consists of yards of material that go
around a woman's body. How many yards? Enough to wrap a
dozen Egyptian mummies. In fact, the first "mummy" was an
Indian mummy who was laid to rest in her sari.
The sari would be completely impenetrable if women weren't
inclined to compromise function with style and allow a
section of their stomachs to be visible. This is the section
that attracts not just hordes of mosquitoes but also hordes
of men.
A salwar kameez solves this problem quite nicely. For many
women, it's the next best thing to wearing a suit of armor.
They're well-protected from top to bottom, with plenty of
overlap between the upper dress and lower pajama. The
message to men and mosquitoes is clear: "Don't even think
about it."
-------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com