ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
My apologies first off for not publishing last week ... I had a very
busy week and *thought* I would be able to throw together a
Halloween Special at the end of the week but it just didn't work
out. So now I have a ton of Halloween jokes left over that I will
probably save for next year. It also cut off one week of reminding
you to enter the monthly contest for an Amazon.com gift
certificate ...so those of you that entered got a better chance
of winning ... and the winner is: Arnold A. of Seattle, WA. Congrats
to Arnold .. and now we begin again ...contest details are below.
How many of you caught Oprah yesterday when she had a panel of
men including, Jay Leno, discussing all the secrets that women
wanted to know about men? Oprah is NOT a show that I ever
watch .. but it just so happened that the fourth member of her
panel was none other than Bruce Cameron of "Eight Simple Rules..."
fame! I can claim a small association with Bruce and it was sort
of exciting to see him on Oprah. Now my wife wants a copy of his
new book "How to Remodel Your Man!" ... I think I am in trouble!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Tammy, Lisa, Sherri, JB,
Terri, Dawn, Laura, Joanie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come
home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
"Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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Contest closes November 30th 2005.**
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Now Isn't THAT Ironic?
Irony is one of those problem words that everyone thinks they know what
it means, but don't. I'm not even totally clear on the concept myself,
even though it's a writing tool I use all the time.
According to Dictionary.com, irony can be language "used to convey
insults or scorn." It is also an "incongruity between what might be
expected and what actually occurs."
So basically, when you tell your brother-in-law, "You're so smart. New
Car Smell in a Can is a brilliant idea!" in a very sarcastic and
belittling tone of voice, that's irony. When he becomes fabulously
wealthy and says it's because you were the only person who believed in
him, that's irony too. It's also a viable murder defense in some states.
It is not, as Alanis Morrissette would have us believe, rain on your
wedding day, a free ride when you already paid, or good advice that you
did not take. Alanis Morrissette knows as much about irony as a Luddite
knows about computer repair.
As the Usage Panel from the American Heritage Dictionary says, it is not
ironic that "Susie moved to Ithaca, New York to California, where she
met her husband-to-be who also came from upstate New York." That's just
a happy coincidence, or just plain weird, since Susie actually moved to
a nun's convent.
What the Usage Panel does accept as ironic is if Susie moved to
California in order to find a husband, but met a guy from her home town.
But I'm still not really clear, so let's try another example.
There's an old newspaper adage that says " 'Dog bites man' is not news,
but 'man bites dog' is." Meaning commonplace everyday occurrences are
not newsworthy, but strange uncommon things are.
But occasionally, a dog biting a man IS news. Especially when it's a new
state felony. Especially when the guy who wrote the law is the one who
was bitten. Especially when he was bitten by his own dog.
Bob Schwartz is the crime adviser to Bill Richardson, the Governor of
New Mexico. It seems Schwartz helped write a controversial state law
that allows felony charges to be filed against owners of dangerous or
potentially dangerous dogs, if those dogs attack or injure someone.
Possibly ironically, Schwartz was attacked by one of his dogs a couple
of weeks ago, causing injury to both of his arms, and sending him to the
hospital.
New Mexico's legislature passed the bill, Governor Richardson signed it,
and bada bing, bada boom! Schwartz is a political tour de force. But his
dogs just picture him as a giant steak. Schwartz owns two English
bulldogs and a boxer, but none of the news reports specified which of
the dogs attacked him. So it's a toss-up as to which dog made Schwartz
his chewtoy.
I can almost imagine how it happened: "Hey Herbie, what a good dog. Yes
you are, my Herbie-Werbie. Who had a bill passed this year, huh? Guess
who got a new felony pass -- AAAGH, my arm, let go of my arm!! Get off
me, you #^%$*&@ dog!!"
So is that irony? Or is it just plain funny? Okay, maybe it's not funny,
considering Schwartz had to go to the hospital and the dog may have to
be destroyed. But you do have to appreciate fate's fickle sense of
comedy. But is it really irony? Some could argue that it is, especially
if Schwartz ends up going to jail on a felony charge.
New Mexico state senator Sue Wilson Beffort, who worked with Schwartz on
the dog bite bill, said, "(W)hen it happens in your own family, that's
another story. That's tragic."
Maybe it's tragic irony. You know, when the unintended consequence leads
to someone's death or injury. Kind of like those stunts that usually
involve alcohol, some kind of explosive, and the phrase "Hey y'all,
watch this!"
However, in Schwartz's case, it's not irony. It's just one of those
unfortunate coincidences that make me glad I own beagles.
Real irony is more like when animal-rights activists, allegedly the
Animal Liberation Front, released thousands of minks from fur farms in
Britain in 1998. These minks, who were saved from becoming fur coats,
instead wreaked certain death on farm animals, domestic pets, and even
each other. Hundreds more minks were killed on British roadways or by
people with guns and clubs.
This is probably a textbook example of irony. In an attempt to save a
few thousand animals, animal-rights activists instead caused the death
of several thousand more, including many of the ones they originally
intended to save. The only thing more ironic would have been if the very
mink they were trying to save actually turned on the activists and
killed them.
But what would be truly ironic is if Alanis Morrissette wrote a protest
song about those minks. And then they ate her.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a
kidney to a complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 90% of people
won't even let a stranger merge in traffic!"
-Jay Leno
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
She Thought It Would Detect The Cops
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dustbuster.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dustbuster.shtml ">She
Thought It
Would Detect The Cops</a>
Eight Qualities of The Perfect Husband
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/qualities.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/qualities.shtml ">Eight
Qualities of
The Perfect Husband</a>
ӿ-----------------------BACK ISSUES-------------------------------ӿ
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
test your reflexes with this game
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To see more wasted webspace visit:
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">wasted webspace</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.
Here stands Little Johnny plain but well dressed who says, "Trick
or Treat!"
The man asks the Johnny what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of
the
man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for
twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
She Likes Using The Copy Machine at Work
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone and the TV so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Then,
open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins:-
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in very
small print there is the following statement, "Every rectal
thermometer
made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I
do not
work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
The English Countryside
by Sheila Moss
After checking out most of the museums in London, we were ready
for something different. We got up early to go to a flea market
that my sister had heard of called Portobello Market. Well,
actually, she had seen it in a movie.
Flea markets are all pretty much the same, so we looked for a
while then ducked down a side street to escape the crowds. That's
when we found it - the bookstore out of the movie! I made my
sister's picture in front of it. Soon other tourists gathered and
made their pictures in front of it too. I don't know if they also
saw the movie, or if they just figured it was something important.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/england.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/england.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the
other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous!
We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins
to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies,snuggling up to him.
"Your
boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad
or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well,
who
in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me
before the surgery"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Redneck Car Lock
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Russian couple had a narrow escape when their naked neighbour
dropped in - through the ceiling. Rozalia Valiakhmetova had been
relaxing in the bath when the floor gave way, dropping her and
the bath tub into the flat below. She said: "I had just dozed off
and then I heard this huge crash and realised what had happened.
The bathroom floor just collapsed under the bath and I came
crashing through the ceiling of the people below me. "They seemed
as shocked as I was when they saw me lying there naked in the
bath in the middle of their living room." She was treated at a
local hospital for injuries to her leg but otherwise was unhurt.
Local council engineers said the floors in the old apartment block
in Solnechnaya in the Surgut district of Russia where Valiakhmetova
lived were supported by wood which had rotted over the years.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money
his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his
daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually
have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I
get
him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this! - they've had such good results with this
program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals
how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to
do to
get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money.
But the boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father
will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue?
I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning,
when
I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking
back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he
talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
BEIJING----CHINESE DENY RUMSFELD'S REQUEST TO TOUR CHINA'S VERSION OF
THE PENTAGON. (Los Angeles Times 10/19)
They did okay his second choice, though... a tour of a Rolex knock-off
factory.
VANCOUVER----OBESITY SOCIETY HOSTS ITS ANNUAL MEETING IN BRITISH
COLUMBIA. (USA Today 10/18)
With the usual spillover into Washington and Oregon.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that
called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk
and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,
it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What can a bird do that a man can not do ?
Whistle though his pecker.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"INDIA WORKS IN SO MANY WAYS"
India is a country where labor is cheap and plentiful, where
people make a living in every kind of way. Some work behind
a desk, others work behind a counter, many work their
behinds off. They toil in the hot sun, earning in an entire
year what the top film actor, Shahrukh Khan, makes just
getting his nose powdered.
India is a country of change, where some, like the telecom
engineers, are constantly adapting to change, while others,
like the tramps on the street, are eager to accept change.
Signs of change are everywhere, from the man on the ox cart
who can't do without his cell phone to the conscientious
beggar who keeps track of contributions using Microsoft
Excel.
India is a country of tradition, where teachers are given
immense respect, while toilet cleaners are given more
toilets to clean. A persistent reporter once found dignity
of labor in India, but was soon ordered out of the delivery
room.
India is a country of entrepreneurs, prominent ones whose
bathrooms are lined with silver and gold, and ordinary ones
whose bathrooms are lined with railroad ties. Entrepreneurs
can be seen everywhere, some conducting business in
air-conditioned comfort, others balancing their books -- and
themselves -- on bicycles.
India is a country of vendors, people selling food, flowers
and other items, everything but G-string underwear. Many
carry their goods right past your doorstep, traveling by
foot, cart or cycle. "Vegetables!" some of them shout, loud
enough to give your children nightmares. Others climb onto
moving buses and trains, sell food to the passengers, then
jump off before the conductor has a chance to ask them for a
cut.
India is a country of inspiration, where authors are
inspired to write original books, and movie producers are
inspired to swipe Hollywood scripts. People ignore the
books, but flock to the movies, recognizing how much
creativity is involved in translating English to Hindi.
India is a country of customer service, where you'll get
excellent assistance anywhere, as long as you're willing to
wait for it. At the gas (petrol) station, you'll find three
uniformed attendants ready to help: the first to open your
tank, the second to fill it up, and the third to help you
close your jaw after you see the total price.
India is a country of opportunity, as long as you're the
right age and sex. "Must be under 30," one job ad says, as
though someone in the company is seeking a wife. Meanwhile,
on the matrimonial page, a handsome bachelor is inviting
responses from qualified candidates.
India is a country of artistry, where some people create
beautiful buildings and walls, and others ruin them with
pictures of politicians. On many walls across the country,
you'll find more politicians than movie stars, more crooks
than cracks.
India is a country of handy men and women. If you need a job
done, don't pick up the phone -- just open your front door
and yell, "Anyone know how to fix my computer? I've got
cash!" If you have a skin problem, don't go to a doctor --
just open your front door and yell, "Anyone know how to
treat my skin? I've got rash!"
---------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com