ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Ok folks I think it is time to get worried. In the past year we
have seen the Tsunami in Asia kill thousands, we've seen
New Orleans and the Gulf Coast devastated by hurricanes,
Pakistan destroyed by a major earthquake which has killed
thousands, the possibility of millions being killed if the Avian
Flu ever makes the transfer to humans, and again this morn-
ing I hear that Hurricane Wilma is the most powerful hurricane
in history! My guess is that someone pissed off Mother
Nature big time! So if it was YOU then it is time to make
amends! Call her up and apologize, invite her to dinner,
do something to get her back in a better mood! But seriously
it has been a terrible year for disasters and hopefully the
end of them is near.
On a much lighter note...after taking a week off to recouperate
a little ... I am back ... and hopefully I can provide you with
a few laughs today.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Barbara, Sherri, Laura,
JB, Tammy, Terri.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why are elephants banned from public swimming pools?
They keep dropping their trunks.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
What About Cootchie Cootchie Coo?
While most new parents are eager to show off their new baby, and
positively beam when people coo at and marvel over their newest family
member, one hospital in Halifax, Scotland is putting a stop to all that.
According to a recent story in The (Edinburgh) Scotsman, the Calderale
Royal Hospital has instituted a ban on looking at, asking about, or even
cooing to newborn babies in the maternity wards, to prevent visitors
from ". . . gawping at newborns or questioning the mother."
Debbie Lawson, a neonatal manager, said that even babies have a right to
privacy. "We need to respect the child," she told the Scotsman,
presumably with a straight face. "Cooing should be a thing of the past,
because these are little people with the same rights as you or me."
Lawson and her fellow anti-cooing activists have even hammered the point
home with a doll carrying the message, "What makes you think I want to
be looked at?" (To which critics responded with their own doll and
message, "Don't flatter yourself.")
Of course, this prompted an outcry from Dolls Have A Right to Privacy
(DoHARP), who were upset that a doll was used to reinforce the
hospital's Draconian new rules.
Needless to say, the new ban has taken everyone by surprise, including
the new mothers.
"Who says the babies don't want to be looked at?" asked one critic.
"When an infant can tell me he doesn't want to be stared at, I'll
respect his choice. But I'm beginning to wonder if the wee bairns even
care about this."
"Right!" hollered another critic. "I mean, what if the baby's an
aspiring model or actress, and she's trying to get an early start on her
career? A ban like this could hurt her future chances for fame."
"But what if the baby wants to be a spy or an assassin or cat burglar?
Aren't we depriving that child of the anonymity required to pursue their
chosen profession?" asked a coo ban supporter, obviously failing to
grasp the point.
Linda Riordan, Halifax's Labour MP, said this was "bureaucracy gone mad.
. . (I)n a case where a mother did not want to answer questions, it
should be up to that individual to say so."
I suppose this is the real question: are new mothers complaining about
people cooing at their infants? Do we have a ward full of Dennis
Hopper-esque babies shrieking "stop looking at me!" a la "Blue
Velvet?"
Or John Cusack who asks for the most visible table in a restaurant and
then gets upset when people approach him? Or are the neonatal folks
hopping on the Politically Correct bandwagon and putting words into
their young charges' mouths?
And what sort of message is being sent to these impressionable
youngsters? Will they grow up to be sullen teenagers who shout "Hey, I
didn't ask to be born!" at their parents? (To which the parents should
respond, "We didn't ask for you either, but we're stuck with you just
the same!") Or is it something completely different?
A spokeswoman for Calderdale said she believed it was as much to do with
reducing infection risks as it was upholding the rights of these
newborns.
"Staff held an advice session to highlight the need for respect and
dignity for all patients and the potential risk of infection in
vulnerable infants, to new moms and their families," she said in a
statement. However, she didn't clarify why a steady stream of infectious
people are hanging around the maternity ward in the first place.
Potential risk of infection aside, exactly how much dignity does an
infant have? They don't have a station in life or privileges thereof;
they sleep constantly, waking only to eat; they poop, pee, and spit up
more than is necessary. So how is that dignified?
Let's face it, if you're a child of God, you have a place in the world.
And if you occupy that place, people are going to look at you. They'll
coo, touch, point and laugh, and yes, even gawp at you. And while I
understand the sentiments behind Calderdale's rules of privacy, they
should leave it up to the parents to decide whether people can look at
their babies, or the child will earn the reputation of being socially
dysfunctional before his first birthday.
If a child wants to become a hermit and refuse to interact with other
human beings, let them make their own choices. It's not up to hospitals
and their overzealous staff to police whether people become social
misfits or not. We have computer science degrees and Star Trek
conventions for that.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine
and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while
later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in
the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Im Just FINE !
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FINE !</a>
Absolut Hunk
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/absoluthunk.shtml
">Absolut Hunk</a>
ӿ-----------------------BACK ISSUES-------------------------------ӿ
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
who will win?
<a href=" http://www.grudge-match.com/History/index.html
">ultimate grudge match</a>
http://www.grudge-match.com/History/index.html
To see more wasted webspace visit:
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">wasted webspace</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal
that can be heard by anyone near him.
One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started
to beep.
Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said,
"you've got
mail."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a
Polish scientist in the 18th century.
The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put
a hole in the seat.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Barbie & Ken - Crack Ho & Pimp Daddy
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Oh, My Aching Feet!
by Sheila Moss
We woke up to rain in morning. It rains a lot in London --
something about being an island surrounded by the sea, I
think. What would we do since it is raining, I wondered.
"Go anyhow, of course," said my sister.
With raincoats and umbrellas, we were off to ride the
Underground again. We had tickets for a boat cruise on
the Thames River that was included in our bus tour. Couldn't
let them go to waste, could we? Now I know why she wanted
to bring ponchos.
After that drenching experience, we went to the National
Gallery to dry out. We saw famous masterpieces by great
French, Dutch, and Italian artists. The English don't
paint many masterpieces of their own.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/museums.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/museums.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and
goes right through it.
His friend says, " What are you doing."
The driver says, " Its ok my brother does it all the time."
They come up to another stoplight and they go right through.
His friend says, "You are out of your mind."
The driver says, "Its ok my brother does it all the time."
They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says,
"Its green, go."
Driver says, I can't my brother might be coming!
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old
senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They
hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position
to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes,
so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel
who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A car dealer in Texas has come up with a new way to sell
automobiles to customers with bad credit. Install a remote
control kill switch.
The kill switch is inside a black box affixed to the dash-
board. Little lights in the black box start flashing on the
first day a car payment is late. On the fourth day, after
two more days of warning lights, the car won't start.
"I would not undertake buy-here/pay-here without this
system," said Ray Williamson, president of North Texas
Motorcars, which sells about 50 vehicles a month and in-
stalls boxes in each of them. "There's just too much risk."
The box - called a starter interrupt unit - is used mostly
at used-car dealerships that provide financing to customers
with bad credit. But other segments of the auto industry
may adopt it, particularly if consumers' credit ratings
continue to decline.
This could be just the beginning. Once a precedent has been
set dealers will start installing remote control kill
switches in all vehicles regardless of a person's credit.
Is it fair? Would you buy a car with a starter interrupt
unit?
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put
together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put
together?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his
mother.
The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to
someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his
secretary."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
BAGHDAD----SADDAM HUSSEIN COULD BE EXECUTED BEFORE HIS TRIAL IS
CONCLUDED. ((CBS News 10/10)
He's being tried under Texas law.
NEW YORK----MARTHA STEWART TELLS USA TODAY: "I E-MAIL MYSELF WHENEVER I
HAVE SOMETHING THAT I REALLY WANT TO REMEMBER." (USA Today 10/11)
In fact, she breifly dated herself on line until prison officials caught
on and broke up the affair.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he
wanted.
THE END
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"CATCH A BUS IN INDIA AND DON'T LET GO"
What's it like to live in a country of more than one
billion, a country that's one-third the size of Canada, yet
has thirty times the population? It's not that bad, really,
even if you happen to be the last person on the bus. At
least you can stretch your legs, enjoy the view and convince
yourself that getting on the bus is much better than getting
in the bus.
As I visit my native India, I find myself marveling at how
people deal with the immense population, which grows by a
staggering 15 million a year, so many that if rabbits had a
lobbying group, we'd all be using the phrase "breeding like
Indians."
Nowhere is the population more pronounced than in public
transportation. Buses are often crammed with people, beyond
their capacity, with some passengers getting seats and many
others pressed together in the aisle, close enough to know
what each other had for lunch.
A few passengers travel on the outside, grabbing onto
whatever they can, the frame of the door perhaps. These are
the people who know what it means to "catch the bus."
When the bus is packed, getting on and off is a major
challenge, but so is getting in and out. One method is to
drop to your hands and knees and crawl between people's
legs, though this doesn't work so well, I've found, when
women are wearing saris. Another method is to try to empty
the bus, perhaps by pointing to the street and yelling, "Oh
my gosh! Salman Khan!" The popular actor can empty just
about anything: buses, trains, kegs of beer.
What he doesn't empty, though, are movie theaters. Indians
are crazy about two things: movies and cricket. (Hence the
popularity of the Oscar-nominated "Lagaan," a movie about
cricket.) When half the population wants to watch the latest
blockbuster, the chances of getting tickets on the day of a
screening are similar to the chances of running into Paris
Hilton in a public library. Even if a few tickets are
available, you'll have to stand in a long line -- and that's
to bribe the theater owner.
But Indians are used to waiting in line. At the last general
election, people stood in line all day to exercise their
right to kick the bums out.
When you visit a doctor's office, the clerk may be poor at
grammar, but he's not incorrect when he asks, "Are you
patient?" My wife and I took our daughters to a pediatrician
for a vaccination and, despite having an appointment, had to
sit in the waiting room until the next day! Yes, we got
there at 9:45 p.m. and didn't see the doctor until after
midnight. Everyone else in the packed waiting room didn't
seem to mind, perhaps because the doctor, in his infinite
wisdom, was showing them a movie.
Indians encounter crowds almost everywhere: in the
courthouse, at the market, even in their own bedrooms. When
you're living with your extended family in a two-room
dwelling, you have little privacy. But who cares about
privacy when there are bigger issues to deal with, such as
grandpa's snoring? Or grandma's habit of cutting in line
everywhere, especially at the bathroom.
That reminds me of the bikini-clad tourist who posted a sign
at the beach that said, "Please form a line here," with a
hundred Indian men standing in front of it. "What's she
giving away?" someone asked one of the men. "She's not
giving away anything," he replied. "She just wants us to
stare at her in an orderly manner."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com