ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I haven't mention anything about the weather lately ... but basically
this has been the winter from hell. We are buried under about six
feet of snow and the temperatures have been in the -40 range (F or
C doesn't matter because at that temperature they are the same).
But worse than the temperature is the wind which makes it feel
so much colder. Exposed skin freezes BEFORE you go outside
just thinking about the cold! Seems that the weather is weird all
over though with huge snowstorms on the east and extremely
wet in the west. At least for us there is a little silver lining on the
horizon as the temperatures over the next couple of days are going
to be right around the freezing mark. Cold for many of you... but
almost t-shirt and shorts weather for us Canucks. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Barbara, Stan, Laura,
Jo, Unicorn, Diane, Sherri, Jack, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the new high school course?
Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
<If you click only one link in this issue ... make it THIS ONE!>
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store
clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE:Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't
get
their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver,no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could
tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and
down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water,
he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Brian T O'Leary Boston MA, astronaut
1940 Harry Kmel Flemish director (Monsieur Hawarden)
1940 James Cromwell Los Angeles CA, actor (Stretch-All in the Family, Babe)
1942 Petr Kotik composer
1943 A H Harper CEO (Baltic Exchange)
1943 Cumberlege Baroness
1944 Kevin Coyne rocker
1945 Mairead Corrigan-Maguire North Irish peace activist (Nobel 1976)
1945 Nicholas Berkeley Mason drummer (Pink Floyd-The Wall, Money)
1946 Kim Gardner England, rock bassist (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)
1947 Nedra Telley New York City NY, vocalist (Ronettes-Be My Little Baby)
1948 Mikhail Baryshnikov Riga Latvia, ballet dancer (That's Dancing)
1948 Chuck Larsen rocker (Snuff)
1949 Lifford Viscount
1951 Brian Downey rock drummer (Thin Lizzy-Boys are Back in Town)
1951 Scott Lane New York City NY, actor (Gary-McKeever & the Colonel)
1951 Seth Justman Washington DC, rock vocalist/keyboardist (J Geils
Band-Centerfold)
1952 Brian Gottfried Baltimore MD, tennis star (Wimbledon Doubles 1976)
1952 Peter Garland composer
1954 Kimberly J "Kim" Hughes Australian cricketer
1955 Mimi Rogers Coral Gables FL, actress (Paper Dolls, The Rousters)
1955 Richard Young Glasgow KY, singer (Kentucky Headhunters-Davy Crockett)
1956 Fred Quillan Portland Oregon, WLAF offensive coach (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1957 Karen Kondazian Boston MA, actress (Irene-Shannon, Mortal Sins)
1957 Frank Miller US, comicbook writer (Batman-The Dark Knight Returns)
1958 Charles Waltz rocker (Shooting Star)
1958 Alan Milburn British MP
1959 Patti Cohoon Whittier CA, actress (Molly-Here Come the Brides)
1959 Cris Collinsworth NFL wide receiver/TV sportscaster
1959 Keith Olbermann TV sportscaster
1960 Sarah Kennedy Coquille OH, comedienne (Laugh in)
1961 Charlotte Kemp Omaha NE, playmate (December 1982)
1961 Karen Velez Rockville Center NY, playmate (December 1984)
1961 Martin Degville rocker (Sigue Sigue Sputnik-Love Missile F-111)
1961 Gillian Gilbert Manchester England, rocker (New Order-Round & Round)
1961 Jean-Paul Banos Lavelanet France, Canada sabre (Olympics-9/10-88, 92, 96)
1961 Margo Timmins singer (Cowboy Junkies)
1962 James F Doehring Santa Barbara CA, shot putter (Olympics-silver-1992)
1962 Michael Collins clarinettist
1964 Migi [Miguel Drummond] rock (Curiosity Killed Cat-Keep Your Distance)
1964 Bridget Fonda Los Angeles CA, actress (Scandal, Single White Female)
1964 Cathy Podewell California, actress (Dallas)
1964 Inga Thompson Reno NV, US cyclist (Olympics-8th-88, 84, 92)
1964 Jack Haley NBA center (Chicago Bulls)
1964 Woody Austin Tampa FL, PGA golfer (1995 Buick Open)
1965 Igor Matoushkin NHL defenseman (Belarus, Olympics-98)
1966 Michael De Angelis hockey defenseman (Team Italy 1998)
1966 Tamlyn Tomita Okinawa, actress (Karate Kid 2, Ming Li-Santa Barbara)
1967 Carrington Garland Los Angeles CA, actress (Kelly Capwell-Santa Barbara)
1967 Alfred Oglesby NFL defensive tackle (Cincinnati Bengals)
1967 Dave Manson Prince Albert, NHL defenseman (Winnipeg Jets)
1967 Laura Golarsa Italy, tennis star
1967 Sue Palmer Collingwood Ontario, cyclist (Olympics-96)
1968 Anthony Pleasant NFL defensive end (Cleveland Browns, Atlanta Falcons)
1968 Eric Wedge US baseball catcher (Boston Red Sox)
1968 Matt Stover NFL kicker (Cleveland Browns, Baltimore Ravens)
1968 Mike Patton Eureka CA, rocker (Faith No More-The Real Thing)
1968 Reggie Johnson NFL tight end (Philadelphia Eagles)
1968 Rusty Meacham Stuart FL, pitcher (Kansas City Royals, Seattle Mariners)
1968 Tracy Lawrence Atlanta TX, country singer (Sticks & Stones)
1969 Kristen Danihy Lawton OK, team handball circle/wing (Olympics-1996)
1969 Phil Plantier Manchester NH, outfielder (San Diego Padres, Red Sox, A's)
1969 Shane Thomson New Zealand cricket off-spin all rounder (since 1990)
....and on this day in history:
1940 -17F (-27C), CCC Camp F-16, Georgia (state record)
1941 Peruvian agent Rivera-Schreibr warns of Japanese assault on Pearl Harbor
1942 -19F (-27.4C), Netherlands' coldest day since 1850
1943 1st US air attack on Germany (Wilhelmshafen)
1944 Casey Stengel, manager of the Boston Braves since 1938, resigns Lou
Perini, Guido Rugo, & Joseph Maney buy control of Boston Braves
1944 Leningrad liberated from Germany in 880 days with 600,000 killed
1945 Nazi occupiers forbid food transport to West (The Netherlands)
1945 Russia liberates Auschwitz & Birkenau Concentration Camp (Poland)
1945 S Romberg, H&D Fields' musical premieres in New York City NY
1945 Wally van Hall, "banker in defiance", arrested
1948 1st locomotive to carry 1,000,000 pounds (450,000 kg) operates
1948 1st tape recorder sold
1949 Chinese liner "Taiping" collides with a collier off south China
1950 2nd Emmy Awards Ed Wynn Show & Texaco Star Theater win
1951 "Peter Pan" closes at Imperial Theater New York City NY after
320 performances
1951 US begins 126 nuclear tests at Nevada Test Site
1953 Netherlands end Marshall aid
1955 "Plain & Fancy" opens at Mark Hellinger Theater New York
City NY for 476 performances
1956 NFL's New York Giants switches games from Polo Grounds to Yankee Stadium
1957 Betsy Rawls wins LPGA Lake Worth Golf Open
1958 Ferenc Mnnich follows Kdr as premier of Hungary
1961 "Sing Along with Mitch" [Miller] premieres on NBC TV
1962 "Family Affair" opens at Billy Rose Theater New York City NY for
65 performances
1963 Jevgeni Grishin skates world record 500m in 39.6 seconds
1963 Sam Rice, Eppa Rixey, Elmer Flick, & John Clarkson elected to Baseball
Hall of Fame
1964 "Introducing the Beatles" album released in US
1964 Margaret Chase Smith (Senator-R-ME) tries for Republican Presidential bid
1964 Barlow & Graeme Pollock complete 341 stand at Adelaide Oval
1965 1st ground station-to-aircraft radio communication via satellite
1965 Ground breaking for "Dragon Gateway" at Grant Avenue
1966 Wisconsin State Circuit Court Judge Elmer W Roller rules either the Braves
stay in Milwaukee or National League must promise Wisconsin an expansion team
for 1966
1967 Apollo 1 fire kills astronauts Grissom, White & Chaffee
1967 Beatles sign a 9 year worldwide contract with EMI records
1967 New Orleans Saints sign their 1st player (Paige Cothren-kicker)
1967 Treaty banning military use of nuclear weapons in space, signed
1968 "Darling of the Day" opens at George Abbott Theater New York
City NY for 31 performances
1969 Actress Thelma Ritter suffers a heart attack (she dies Feb 4th)
1969 14 spies hung in Baghdad
1969 9 Jews publicly executed in Damascus Syria
1969 Noordiers vicar Ian Paisley sentenced to 3 years
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for
something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like
that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in
the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the
Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So
she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave,
she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebbecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop.
For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Husbandsickness . . . Or Sick of My Husband?
by Linda Sharp
A terrible thing happened the other day. My husband was struck down
by tuberculosis, small pox and the bubonic plague all at once.
Actually, it was a mild case of food poisoning (NO, I did not do it!),
but you would have thought that the Grim Reaper was lying in wait
outside our door by the way he was acting. Covers pulled up to his
eyeballs, four layers of clothing and unable to answer with much
more than a grunt, some would have called a priest for The Last
Rites. Being his wife, however, my thoughts were anything but
blessed . . .
In a recent study conducted by The Center for Wives Who Think
Husbands Are Wusses, (located in my computer), the results were
unanimous . . . Wives think husbands are wusses. While he was
hovering near death, I entered a moms' chatroom I frequent and
threw out the question, "If given the choice, would you rather
play nursemaid to an ill husband or get poked in the eye with a
sharp stick?". The response was fast and furious, and had I been
being literal, I would have run out of sharp sticks. Dialogue
scrolled by so quickly, it was hard to keep up...."My husband is
worse than any baby when he gets sick . . .", "I would rather have
all three kids get sick at once than have him to take care of . . .",
"My husband loses all ability to function if he even gets the
sniffles . . ." , "Where is my sharp stick . . .?".
More?...
<a href=" http://www.lindasharp.com/husbandsickness.htm
">Linda Sharp</a>
http://www.lindasharp.com/husbandsickness.htm
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.
-Richard Doty
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Laughing My Butt Off
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lmbo.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lmbo.shtml ">Laughing
My Butt Off</a>
Asstoids
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/asstoids.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/asstoids.shtml
">Asstoids</a>
Too Drunk
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toodrunk.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toodrunk.shtml ">Too
Drunk</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his
arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought,
"This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the
factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come
sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where
you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your
mother."
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
select the item which is worse of the group
<a href=" http://www.whichisworse.com/
">which is worse</a>
http://www.whichisworse.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
It's easy to get separated when shopping at a large store,
so when a co-worker of mine was asked by a woman please to
page her missing husband, he gladly obliged.
Loudly and clearly over the PA system, he announced,
"If there is a Rich Hooker in the store, please come to the
customer-service desk. Your party is waiting for you."
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Fun</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
It has just been announced that this year's
French Open Tennis Tournament has been canceled due
to a national crisis. France has an excess of tennis
rackets...but no balls!
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Oh My What A Picture Window
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/picturewindow.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/picturewindow.shtml
">Oh My What A
Picture Window</a>
Multipurpose Shoes
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/multipurpose.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/multipurpose.shtml
">Multipurpose
Shoes</a>
You Know You're Getting Old When....
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/old.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/old.shtml ">You Know
You're Getting
Old When...</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the Fed Ex guy wants
to buy Mom.
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
If you were to lay every vein, artery and capillary in a humans body
end to end, that person would probably die.
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card
offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.
Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft
voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman
says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-
style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace.
What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like
to press 9 first to get an outside line.
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
How Drinking Impairs Your Vision
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/impaired.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/impaired.shtml ">How
Drinking Impairs
Your Vision</a>
She Is A Wine Connoisseur
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/connoisseur.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/connoisseur.shtml ">She
Is A Wine
Connoisseur</a>
Playboy For The Blind
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/plybybraille.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/plybybraille.shtml ">Playboy
For The
Blind</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
From actual CHURCH BULLETINS!
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the
Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told
her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and
told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you
to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel
right now!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
How To Hold Up That Bikini Top
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topholders.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/topholders.shtml ">How
To Hold Up
That Bikini Top</a>
Hooters Protest
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hootersprotest.shtml
">Hooters
Protest</a>
Happy Meal For The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/happymeal.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/happymeal.shtml ">Happy
Meal For The
Ladies</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Armpit sweat can boost older women's sex lives. Researchers
claim women who wore perfume with an added chemical found
in female sweat were more likely to have sex than those
who did not. The pheromone Athena 10:13 works naturally for
younger women as a "sexual attractant" but levels fall after
the menopause reports the Mirror. In the Harvard University-
linked study, 22 post-menopausal women used the chemical while
22 others used a placebo. Women on dates found a 68 per cent
increase in sex compared to 41 per cent using plain perfume.
According to New Scientist magazine all women using the spray
found a 41 per cent increase in kissing and other physical
affection, compared to 14 per cent using the placebo.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a
zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,
"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were
driving down the road and they came around this curb and
wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and
told them what happened.
The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life
signs?"
The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I
turned his head around the right way."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] T A P E W O R
M [||||]
"Erased 18 1/2 minutes of crucial Watergate tape----Nixon's secretary,
Rosemary Woods, dies at 87." (USA/1/24)
[] Actually, she was 89. Her life was on a 10-second delay.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the blonde, "I dropped
my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but
the light's better here."
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
An Ashtabula, Ohio man needed some fast cash so he ran into a
fast-food restaurant and allegedly stole a jar full of change
intended for charity. That was his first mistake. According to
Ashtabula Police Sgt. John Koski, the man threatened the
employees by saying, "You call the police, I'm going to kill you."
Even though the man had no weapon, the threat of force was enough
to change the crime from theft to robbery, police said. That was
his second mistake. His third mistake? Two of the restaurant's
employees knew the man and gave police his name and address. This
is not the first time our restaurant bandit has been charged with
robbery. He was cited on charges of attempted robbery in February
2003 and aggravated robbery in September and November 1994.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What did the call girl say when John asked if she was free tonight?
"No. but I am reasonable"
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"CABBIES WHO WON'T TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE"
Come on, admit it. If you were on a quiz show and asked to
name a job you associate with honesty, your first answer
wouldn't be "taxi driver." You might say "priest" or
"police
officer" or even "used car salesman." Before you got around
to "taxi driver," you'd probably say "lawyer" or
"politician" or even "carnival game operator."
Face it, you still remember the time you asked a cabdriver
at JFK Airport in New York to take you to Manhattan and he
decided to take a shortcut through Montana. By the time you
arrived at your destination, you owed the cabbie more money
than you owed on your mortgage. And so you just let him move
into your house.
Perhaps all your encounters with cabdrivers have been sour.
They don't stop for you, and if they do, the only place they
seem interested in taking you is to the cleaners.
But before you pass judgment on the millions of cabbies in
the world, you need to realize that some of them are so
honest, they'll return almost anything left in their cabs,
even Harry Potter books.
Glenn Sher, a Long Island, NY, cabby, returned a woman's
purse containing $13,300. That's a lot of money, almost
enough to take Paris Hilton on a date.
"I could have used the money to pay bills or whatever," Sher
told The New York Post. "But it wasn't mine. I can't take
what's not mine." The mayor of New York was truly impressed.
"That's amazing," he said. "I didn't realize we had a
cabdriver who spoke English."
Another New York cabby, Benjamin Adjepong, was commended by
the Taxi and Limousine Commission for returning a bag
containing $7,000. "It makes me feel good, and my wife is so
excited," he told WABC TV. Now that's a good wife -- excited
about her husband's honesty, not even thinking about the
number of shoes she could have bought.
Cabbies in other countries have been just as honorable.
Ashraf Qureshi, a Pakistani immigrant in Australia, drove a
tourist around for three weeks, even let the man make long
distance calls on his phone and eat meals in his
apartment -- allowed him to do everything but sleep with his
wife.
The man paid Qureshi $50,000 for various expenses, according
to an Ananova.com report. But after the cabby deposited the
money in his bank account, he began to feel guilty about
accepting so much and returned $40,000 to the man. "It was
all getting too much for me," Qureshi said. It's a good
thing he's a taxi driver, because with integrity like that,
he could never be a corporate executive.
Executive: "I made $5 million last year. Some of my
employees made only $11,000. Maybe I should share some of my
money with them."
Wife: "Honey, here's an aspirin. You'll feel better in the
morning."
Another honest cabby, Mohammad Sajid Noor Mohammad of
Mumbai, India, returned a woman's handbag containing 6,000
rupees, debit cards, credit cards, membership cards,
sunglasses, receipts, and thousands of other items that
women carry in their handbags.
Though Mohammad lives in a small room with his wife and
three children, he wasn't tempted to keep the money and even
refused a reward, according to a Mid Day report. "We could
have spent the money, but it would have been over in a few
days and we would have had to live with the guilt for the
rest of our lives," Mohammad said.
While all the celebrities are giving themselves awards,
perhaps they should save a few for taxi drivers. "And the
nominees for best performance in a taxi cab, front seat
only, are ..."
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Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com