ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Due to some "issues" today ... I am not able to put together an
"issue" of Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour ... so rather than leave you
hanging ... I bring you an "Ad-Free" Rerun from Nov 5th 2002!

Don't forget to enter the contest ...on Halloween day someone
will WIN a $20.00 Amazon.com Gift Certificate.  All you have to
do is follow the link below and sign up for one (or more) ezines.
The more you sign up for ... the better your chance to win

<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16 ">F-R-E-E  E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
http://www.iwnl.net/?16

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a

Gorge Bush.

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family,
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were
visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death
certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to
make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George
that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very
expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the  person responsible for
the remains normally decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some
time and answers, "I  don't care how much it will cost to send the body
back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says
"You must have loved your mother-in-law  very much considering the
difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see,
I heard of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here
in Jerusalem.

On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.

As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the
formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he
felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test,
I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."

"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

[A Classic]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their
encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down
the line asking each person to smile.
Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how
often each person had sex.

The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist
guessed, but was surprised when the man said No.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was No. "
Twice a week?"
"No." "Twice a month?"
"No
" When finally the doctor asked, "Once a year?"
. . . the man finally said Yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual,
and he asked the man, "
What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Becky had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown.
She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the
address to go to. The cabbie turned out to be a
lunatic driver and Becky sat in the backseat clutching
the door handle wondering if she could expect to
survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the
crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic.
Becky watched as one pedestrian after another leapt
aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

Becky looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the
narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow
down, he actually accelerated as he approached the
truck. He slipped his cab through the available space
with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver," Becky screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you
trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close
your eyes."

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other
in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you
doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole
to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were
a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time,"
she's not referring to a commercial break.

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

There once was an Account Executive who lived his whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people he dealt
with. In fact, he made sure that every deal he made was a
win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit
by a bus and he died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he
was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had anyone in Sales make it this
far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the Account Guy. "Well,
I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I'd prefer to stay
in Heaven."

"Sorry, but rules are rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the Account Guy in an elevator
and it went straight down to hell.

The doors opened and the account guy found himself stepping
out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the distance was a country club and standing in front of him
were all his old friends fellow Sales Reps that he had worked
with over the years.

They were all dressed in tuxedos, beautiful women on their
arms, and they were all cheering for him.

They ran up and slapped him on his back and they talked
about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner.

The Devil came over and offered him a Cuban cigar.

Then he and all his pals loaded into a limo and went to the
most amazing Strip Bar he had ever been to. The Account Guy
was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good bye
as he got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend
a day in heaven."

So the Account Guy spent the next 24 hours lounging around
on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time
and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St. Peter
came and got him.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The Account Guy paused for a second and then replied, "Well,
I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the
Account Guy went down- down-down back to Hell. When the
doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.

"I don't understand," stammered the Account Guy, "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and
we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all
there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look
miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "That's because
yesterday you were a prospect." "But today you're a client."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a
hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow,
Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half
to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here
so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The millionaire was concerned when liquor started
vanishing from the mansion shortly after he hired a
new butler.

Confronted with his employer's suspicions, the butler
said, "I'll have you know I come from a long line of
honest Englishmen."

Smelling alcohol on the butler's breath, the
millionaire said, "To be very frank, it's not your
English forebears which concerns me but your Scotch
extraction."

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid
asks what he wants. "I want to bury
my face in your cleavage and lick the
sweat from between your tits" he says.

 "You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid.
"Get out before I get my husband!"

The bloke apologizes and promises not
to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts
this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread
yogurt between the cheeks of your
arse and lick it all off," he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred.
Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke
apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

 "O.K., one more chance' says the barmaid.
"Now - what do you want?"

 "I want to turn you upside down, open
your flaps and fill your pussy with
Guinness, and then drink every last drop
from the hairy cup."

 The barmaid is furious at this personal
intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her
husband, who's sitting quietly watching
the TV.

 "What's the matter, love?" he asks.

 "There's a bloke in the bar who wants
to put his head between my tits and
lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt
down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off," she yells.

 "Right. He's dead!" says the husband,
standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside
down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then
drink it all," she screams.

The husband puts down his bat and returns
to his armchair, and switches the television back on.

 "Aren't you going to do something about it?"
 she cries hysterically.

 "Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing
with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A man who found out his fiancee was seeing someone
else, has invited him to be best man at their
wedding.

Stewart Parkes discovered bride-to-be Christine
Browning was seeing Clint Gordon.

Mr Parkes, 28, arranged to meet Mr Gordon in a pub
to sort matters out.

But Stewart says the two men ended up getting on so
well, he asked Clint to be his best man.

The News of the World says Stewart and Christine,
who live in Leamington, Warwickshire, are getting
married next April.

Christine said she was "devastated" when she heard
the two men were getting on so well.

"The thought of them getting together and talking about
me was awful," said Christine.

Stewart said he and Clint had much in common: "We're
both builders, we both like football..and of course
there was Christine."

Clint added: "It's incredible we've ended up such
mates."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

This couple were dining out when his wife
noticed her ex-husband at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out,
"that guy at the bar has  been drinking like that since
I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said,  "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]       S T I C K E R    S H O C K       [||||]

At her LA sticky fingers trial, Winnie Ryder's courtroom jawboner got
Saks Fifth Avenue gumshoe Ken Evans to admit that he told his boss "I'm
going to nail her.  I'm going to get her one way or another."
(USA/10/31)

Just before he asked him "How do we get away with these prices?"

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring
her clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still
get into the same skirts I had before I got married."

"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

An already bad day for Lawrence D. Tolefree got a lot
worse.

In an effort to avoid a $50 traffic ticket, the 28-year-
old New Bedford man allegedly led police on a high-speed
chase and now faces jail time for a host of criminal
violations.

Mr. Tolefree was a mile from home when he approached an
intersection, where a police cruiser was waiting at the
light.

He was frustrated, he would later tell police, having
just received a speeding ticket in Fairhaven.

So he leaned out the window of his Chevrolet Blazer, police
said, and shouted an expletive, followed by "Five-O sucks!"

Just as he ran a stop light.

Officer John Martins threw on the blue lights, preparing to
write Mr. Tolefree a $50 ticket for running the light.

Instead, police said, Mr. Tolefree revved the engine and sped
away with tires screeching. He drove north, with two, then
three police cruisers on his tail.

The chase snaked through the streets, police said, at speeds of
up to 70 mph.

At one point, police said, he tried to ram a cruiser off the
road.

Mr. Tolefree took the chase to the highway, where state police
cruisers picked up the trail. Police reports say the Blazer was
swerving, trying to bump Officer Martin's car off the highway.

Police dropped a strip of spikes onto the road, blowing out the
Blazer's tires, yet police say Mr. Tolefree continued.

Mr. Tolefree attempted to pull a U-turn through the highway
median.

When he was blocked in by a sea of squad cars, police said he
tried to run, but slipped in the median and fell to the ground.

He was arrested and charged with assault and battery with a
dangerous weapon (the car), failure to stop for police and
negligent operation of a motor vehicle.

Mr. Tolefree could not be reached for comment yesterday.

The criminal charges against him carry a maximum sentence of up
to five years in jail. And he runs the risk of violating probation
established three years ago.

"Things haven't been going my way," he reportedly told police.

When asked why he yelled out the window, calling attention to his
red light violation, he allegedly replied, "I feel like the man
has got it out for me."

Mr. Tolefree was also ticketed for running the red light.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

How are the singer Cher and Seattle weather alike ?

Neither are fucking sunny

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Love and Politics: Strange Bedfellows
Erik Deckers

Hello, I'm Claire Townsend, and I'm running for US Representative. I'll
fight for the citizens of this state, and I won't take money from
special interest lobbyists whose goal is to line their pockets and take
away your rights.

But my opponent, Bob Charles, is deep in the pockets of the special
interests. He backs plans by greedy corporations to make a quick buck at
your family's expense. So when you vote on November 5th, vote for Claire
Townsend, the sensible choice.

(Paid for by the Claire Townsend for Congress Committee.)

My name is Bob Charles, candidate for US Representative. I believe in
honesty and integrity. And I'll bring those values to Washington as your
representative. I'm a fiscal conservative who believes we need to
restore common sense to the government.

But my opponent, Claire Townsend, has aligned herself with spendthrift
politicians who want to take away your hard-earned money and spend it
needlessly. So restore common sense to Congress; vote for Bob Charles.

(Paid for by the Committee to Elect Bob Charles)

Bob Charles says he believes in honesty and integrity, but continues to
lie in his campaign commercials. He accuses Claire Townsend of liberal
spending, but in a recent newspaper article, he said, "I. . . (believe).
. . the people of this state are. . . stupid."

Are these the values you want in Washington? No! You want someone who
believes in the people of this state. You want Claire Townsend.

(Paid for by The Friends of Claire Townsend)

Claire Townsend still can't tell the truth. In a recent campaign ad,
Claire distorted a recent newspaper quote and removed important facts.
What Bob Charles actually said was "I have a hard time believing  anyone
as smart as the people of this state are going to fall for something so
stupid as her last campaign commercial."

Clearly, Claire Townsend will go to any lengths to deceive you. And
don't forget, she also believes that we should allow ourselves to be
annexed by Quebec, and should convert our country's currency to the
Danish Krone.

(Paid for by People Who Know What Claire Townsend is REALLY Up To).

Bob Charles' political machine will churn out lie after lie. Instead of
focusing on the issues, he chooses to run a dirty smear campaign that
questions my integrity. I, Claire Townsend, have tried to focus on the
issues and bring a better understanding of what faces us in an uncertain
future.

Bob Charles wants to increase our participation in the World Trade
Organization. He wants to hand your guns and Bibles over to the United
Nations, right before he signs a declaration to join the European Union.

I'm just a sweet farm girl who will bake pies for you and look at
pictures of your children and grandchildren. But not Bob Charles; he
wants to eat your children!

(Paid for by The Committee to Expose Bob Charles for the Fraud He Really
Is)

Claire Townsend has shown herself to be a fabricator of lies and great
untruths. Her head is as big as Ted Kennedy's which means she'll spend
your tax dollars irresponsibly. And she was once in the same room as
Hillary Clinton, which makes her a bleeding-heart liberal who would love
nothing more than to see the Soviet Union revived, so she could secede
from this state and join it!

Bob Charles will fight tirelessly for the American way, and work 24
hours a day to put tax-and-spend liberal liars like Claire Townsend in
jail. And not just any jail, but really bad jails filled with murderers
and terrorists.

(Paid for by People Who Think Claire Townsend Is a Witch and Should Be
Burned at the Stake)

Bob Charles believes that everyone in this district should have bar
codes tattooed on their neck so the secret shadow government can monitor
us at all times. He believes that all education spending should be cut,
so no one will understand what his One-World Rule amendment to his 500%
tax increase bill actually means.

(Paid for by the Committee to Go Medieval on Bob Charles If We Ever See
Him Alone at Night)

Claire Townsend has been arrested for prostitution 17 times in the last
eight months. She not only believes drugs should be legalized, she
thinks they should be distributed in schools and churches -- at least
the churches that she hasn't closed down for being "too holy."

(Paid for by The Committee With A White-Hot Burning Hatred for Claire
Townsend)

My opponent, Bob Charles, believes that -- you know what? I can't do
this anymore. All this mud-slinging and negative campaigning. It's not
worth it. I can't sleep, I have crushing pains in my chest, and I jump
at the slightest sound. If this is what it takes to win this election,
then I don't want it.

(Paid for by the Committee of Stunned Campaign Supporters Who Would Like
To Speak Privately to Claire For A Minute)

I'm Bob Charles, and I think my opponent, Claire Townsend, may have a
point. We've gone too far in this campaign. In our wild-eyed obsession
to win, we've lost sight of the real issue: you, the voters. We just
want to work for YOU. We don't really have plans for world domination or
throwing the US currency into a tailspin. We just want to do a good job
for you. Is that so wrong?

(Paid for by People Who Think Bob's Had Too Much To Drink and Should Go
Home. NOW!)

No it isn't, Bob. No it isn't. I know what you mean. In this whole crazy
race, I became so focused on beating you that I forgot that the race
isn't about politics. It's about people and families.

(Paid for by Claire Townsend Herself Because Her Entire Campaign Staff
Just Quit)

I'm sorry, Claire. I'm sorry for all the things I said, and the way I've
behaved.

(Paid for by Bob Charles Because His Staff Joined the Libertarian Party)

Oh Bob, I love you! I've always loved you. From the moment we first met,
and I promised to crush you, I've secretly hoped for just one more
chance encounter on the campaign trail. I've waited by your campaign
office, just to catch a glimpse of you. I even wrote "Claire loves Bob"
100 times on every page in my daily planner.

(Paid for by The News Media Because They Want to See Where This Thing
Goes)

Claire, I love you too! I've videotaped every stump speech and press
conference you've ever made. I have a scrapbook of all your news
articles and press releases. Whenever the wind blows, I hear it
whispering your name.

Claire Townsend, will you marry me and make me the happiest man on
Earth?

(Paid for by the Joint Checking Account Recently Opened By Bob Charles
and Claire Townsend-Charles)


Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.