ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Congratulations to Ian from Norfolk, England on being the latest
winner of The Pooh-Bah's contest! Ian wins a $20.00 Amazon.com
gift certificate. The next winner could be YOU ... the winners
name will be drawn on Halloween! Now that is scary! Find
out how to enter below.
After taking a year off due to a labour dispute ... the NHL hits the
ice for the regular season starting tonight. Some of us went through
massive withdrawal symptons last year as the lockout finally
became permanent and terminal ... but the end result of the
lockout was that the NHL has changed forever. With a salary
cap of $39 million dollars per team .. many of the star players
have been shifted around the league and therefore it is now
anyone's game. Don Cherry, a highly respective commentator
has predicted that the Ottawa Senators will be the eventual
winner of the next Stanley Cup which will be awarded some-
time in the next millenium after all the playoff games are done!
Joking aside ...its great to see them back on the ice ... it was
a tough dry season last year ... but let the games begin!
Its been another tough couple of weeks in Hollywood with the
losses of Bob Denver (Gilligan) and Don Adams (Agent 86) and
I have just heard that long time comedian Nipsey Russell has
also passed on to the comedy festival in the sky. Since it
always seems to happen in threes ...lets hope that this is
the last passing for a while.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, Barbara, Laura,
JB, Nick, Dawn, Tammy, Willie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why are lesbians so lazy?
Because they don't do dick..
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
WARNING: Top Secret Column
I wanted to be a spy when I was a kid. I wanted to drive around in cool
cars, wear sharp suits, drink vodka martinis, and have beautiful women
throw themselves at me, a la James Bond. After I watched my first Bond
movie, I was convinced of the awesome power of suits and vodka martinis.
I knew I would be a good spy, because at age nine, my friend Eric Pratt
and I snuck around the neighborhood on summer nights, trying to annoy
all of our neighbors who were actually enemy spies. We didn't know who
they were spying for, only that they were enemy spies. As we saw it, it
was our patriotic duty to thwart these ne'er-do-wells from their
villainy. (That was also our battle cry.)
We were pretty good at it too. We snuck around from backyard to
backyard, and not once did we ever get caught. Oh sure, the occasional
dog would bark at us, but that's to be expected when they're highly
trained enemy attack dogs. Those Scottish Terriers can be extremely
vicious.
Eric's and my spying efforts were based on the ability to ring people's
doorbells and run away without getting caught. We got good enough at it
that we could do 15 doorbells in a single night. We had a few close
calls, like the people who answered their door too quickly, or the
people we rang three times in a row. But other than that, we were
careful planners who plotted our escape routes and meeting points before
each ring.
We eventually had to stop after the parents of one of our so-called
"friends" ratted us out after we hit his house one night when he
couldn't go out with us. But my dreams of being a spy never died.
When I was 13 years old, I got a book about spies. It was a
behind-the-scenes look at what spies did and how they were recruited.
There was even a test that I could take to see if I had the temperament
to be a spy. I figured out that by answering 'C' to all the questions, I
would achieve the ideal score for a spy. And it only took me three tries
to do it. The problem was, I didn't know who to tell about my test score
or that it showed that I was qualified to drive cool cars and sleep with
beautiful women. So I thought about writing a letter.
"Dear CIA, I took a test in the 'Handbook for Spies' book recently. I'm
sure you're familiar with the book, since it was written by someone in
your line of work. I achieved a score of 82 on the test, which said that
I would make an ideal spy. Do you have an opening for any agents? If so,
could you please tell me where to get my suits and car? Sincerely yours,
[Name stricken for security purposes]."
However, I decided against this approach, since an enemy spy might
intercept my letter at the post office. That, and I didn't have the
CIA's address.
But I was undeterred. I continued reading James Bond books and watching
his movies. I even bought a plastic gun that fired suction cup darts,
because it looked like the kind of gun Bond carried. For hours, I
practiced concealing it, pulling it out quickly, and making difficult
shots in my room. The end result was that if I ever came face to face
with an enemy spy who could be killed with a suction cup dart from six
feet away, I had nothing to worry about.
That all changed when I finally read a newspaper article about spies,
and how James Bond basically over-glamorized the spy business. "It's not
really like that," the article said. "It's all about sitting in
windowless rooms, analyzing information. You never get to drive cool
cars, and beautiful women don't throw themselves at you on a daily
basis."
That article popped my dream of becoming a spy like a balloon on broken
glass. I was adrift, without any motivation or long-term goals for
weeks. But soon, I was embarked on a new career. One of glamour,
intrigue, and even more beautiful women. Thanks to the TV show, "Magnum
P.I.," I had a new goal in life.
"Dear Private Eye Agency, I would like to be a private investigator. I
am very good at gathering secrets, and I already know how to shoot a
plastic Walther PPK. Do you have an opening for any investigators? If
so, could you please tell me where I could pick up my red Ferrari?
Sincerely, [Name stricken for security purposes]."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
'Twas The Night Before Rita
'Twas the night before Rita
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late
All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there
The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land
And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter
The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm
With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick
More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Texas
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!
As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by
So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too
And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!
As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot
A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack
The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Rita did show
With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town
The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice
Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down
FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York
And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Stan
I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile
You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"Fare well to this place,
Vermont seems just right!"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike
golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past
five.
-John Updike
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Curious Bride
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/curiousbride.shtml
">Curious
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Too Heavy For The Hammock
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hammock.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hammock.shtml ">Too
Heavy For The
Hammock</a>
ӿ-----------------------BACK ISSUES-------------------------------ӿ
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
the title says it all
<a href="http://www.rightwingnews.com/special/theworst.php">worst
things about internet</a>
http://www.rightwingnews.com/special/theworst.php
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects
the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,
halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch
of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually
being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and
fragile to be out by itself.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Need That Morning Brew
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Anni comes home and tells her husband, Sam "Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" Sam asks, "What happened?"
Anni replies, "Keli referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare
at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I
do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."
Sam replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
Anni then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly
a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can
do anything for that?"
Sam agrees to try it. Following his appointment, Sam
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up Anni and
carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and
says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the
bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to Anni like never
before.
Anni says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
Sam says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time.
Anni sits up and her head is spinning.
Sam again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, Anni quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife.
She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
London on the Budget Plan
by Sheila Moss
It seemed like a great idea when my sister suggested a vacation
tour to London. I haven't been anywhere like that before, so I
was looking forward to it. We found cheap tickets on the Internet
for an evening flight.
The plane for the flight was the size of a high-school auditorium.
First class had seats that made into beds, free drinks, TV and kits
with personal convenience items. Cheap tickets got us seats in the
back with our knees under our chins. My bottom soon became so numb
from sitting in one place that I felt like I was sitting on a church
pew.
They showed us a movie, fed us, and gave us pillows and blankets, as
if we could sleep setting in a fetal position. They turned out the
lights for a few hours, and then turned them back on, pretended it
was morning and served breakfast. I think I've learned the meaning
of "red-eye special."
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/budgetplan.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/budgetplan.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left
fibula
and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case
like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[Whoops!]
Noted in HARVARD MAGAZINE
Conservative Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens tells of attending a
fair in his constituency and being followed around by a sweet but
exceptionally ugly woman whom he couldn't get rid of.
A few days later he got an admiring letter from her asking for his
photograph, and signed, after her name, "(Horseface)."
Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off a picture
autographed, "To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey Dickens."
Some time later his secretary asked him, "Did you get that letter
from
the woman at the fair? I wrote 'Horseface' after her name so you'd know
which one she was."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A chimp at a zoo in China has finally managed to kick
smoking after 16 years. Former chain-smoker Ai Ai quit
within four weeks by cutting down step by step. Keepers
at Qinling Safari Park, in Shaanxi Province, decided to
help the chimp quit after her health began deteriorating.
The methods tried by handlers to divert the 27-year-old
chimp's attention from cigarettes included a walk after
breakfast, music sessions after lunch and gym after dinner,
reports Xinhua. One zoo keeper said: "She's served fried
dishes and dumplings at every meal, alongside her usual
diet of milk, banana and rice. "I also put earphones on
her so that she could enjoy some pop music from my
Walkman. "In the first few days, she squealed for
cigarettes every now and then, but as her life became
more colourful, she gradually forgot about them altogether."
Ai Ai started smoking cigarettes given to her by visitors
shortly after her first male companion died in 1989. She
took to chain smoking in 1997 out of loneliness and grief
when her second companion died and a daughter was moved
to another zoo.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to this ezine.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
HOLLYWOOD----"THE APPRENTICE" WITH MARTHA STEWART SUBBING FOR DONALD
TRUMP DIPPED 13% IN THE RATINGS. (USA Today 9/30)
One more dud week and Marty could be escorted back to Slammerville since
acceptable ratings are a condition of her probation.
LOS ANGELES----DEMI MOORE, 42, WEDS ASHTON KUTCHER, 27. (USA Today 9/26)
Telling reporters after the ceremony that she's been in love with him
since she was 16... and he was one.
[Sorry I just couldn't resist adding this extra one ... Goodbye Don]
LOS ANGELES----DON ADAMS, STAR OF THE 60'S SITCOM "GET SMART,"
DIES AT
THE AGE OF 82. (USA Today 9/27)
Would you believe 84? ... 77? ... 91? ... that
he's just feeling
under the weather?
(Sorry about that, Chief)
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Ron and Laura were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared and where Ron
had carved "I love you Laura."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Laura quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money fifty-three thousand dollars. Ron said,
"We've got to give it back."
Laura said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the
neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon
me,
but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"
Laura said, "No."
Ron said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Laura said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Ron and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Ron said, "Well, when Laura and I were walking home from school
yesterday... "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta
here."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
[Melvin's column is unavailable this week ... so we now bring you
a classic from the past.]
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"STEROIDS FILLING SHOES IN A SHOELESS SPORT"
Steroids and other drugs are like food to many athletes,
from Olympic runners to baseball sluggers, helping them
achieve goals and set records that seem authentic to some
fans and experts, the ones who buy their Rolex watches from
Chinatown.
But if you think drugs are tarnishing only the glamour
sports, you probably haven't been keeping up with news from
the world of Kabaddi. You probably don't subscribe to
"Kabaddi Digest." And you probably don't spend your nights
looking at the buff bodies at Kabaddi.com.
Immensely popular on the Indian subcontinent, Kabaddi is a
strange sport to outsiders, requiring players to yell
"kabaddikabaddikabaddi" nonstop while raiding the opposing
team's territory, thus holding their breath during the
entire maneuver. It's the type of sport you might see on
American TV, but only on "Ripley's Believe it or not."
Originating some 4,000 years ago, it was a demonstration
sport at the 1936 Olympics and is well on its way to
becoming a full-fledged Olympic sport, if steroid use is any
indication.
Kabaddi's bid for Olympic status was solidified recently
when a top player named Kuljeet Singh was busted at San
Francisco airport for carrying syringes and steroids in his
shoes. He was returning home from what the San Jose Mercury
News described as a "grueling winter season of Kabaddi
matches in East India." (In fact, the winter season is so
grueling in East India, players have been known to run to
West India.)
Singh, 23, told the Mercury News that steroid use is quite
common among Kabaddi players and he had no idea the drugs
were illegal in America. He apparently just makes it a habit
to store things in his shoes. That way, they'll be safe from
pickpockets. (Note to would-be smugglers: Shoes are the
first place the authorities look. Especially if you're
five-foot-six and wearing size 14.)
What's most troubling about this incident is Singh's claim
that his Indian doctor prescribed the 'roids, as they're
often called.
Singh: "Thank you, Doctor. The 'roids have really helped me.
I'm not only the fastest and strongest player on the team,
I'm also the loudest."
Doctor: "That's good to hear, Kuljeet. Have you experienced
any side effects?"
Singh: "Well, my testicles are shrinking, but that's about
all. No big deal, really. Who needs testicles when you're a
Kabaddi superstar?"
Doctor: "You're lucky, Kuljeet. Some of my patients
experience reduced sperm count, infertility, baldness,
development of breasts, increased aggression and extreme
mood swings. It's great for business."
Singh: "Actually, Doctor, I do have one complaint. The
steroids haven't really helped me hold my breath for a
longer time."
Doctor: "Well, keep taking the drugs I prescribe, Kuljeet,
and in a few years, you might be able to hold your breath
forever."
If Kabaddi can be plagued with drugs, imagine which sports
will be next. Don't be surprised to see these headlines in
your local newspaper:
---Steroid allegations taint National Spelling Bee.
President Bush orders moratorium on spelling.
---Survey reveals rampant steroid use among shuffleboard
players. President Bush orders random drug testing at
retirement homes.
---Steroids found in shoes of scrabble champion. President
Bush bans shoes. Sandal makers delighted.
Young athletes are particularly susceptible to steroids,
focused as they are on short-term benefits. Parents need to
talk to them, keep them from harming themselves.
Teen-aged boy: "Dad, what do you know about 'roids?"
Dad: "I know a lot about them, son. They can cause you a lot
of pain. You may even have trouble sitting down."
Boy: "Uh, Dad ... I'm talking about steroids, not
hemorrhoids."
Dad: "Steroids? Oh, you'd better talk to your mom. I think
she played Kabaddi in school."
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com