ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well what the hell has the Gulf Coast done to piss off Mother
Nature ... as that area was just cleaning up from Katrina, Rita
showed up and added more damage! At least the loss of life
from Rita doesn't seem to have been a factor ... but the damage
is still significant. Lets hope that the hurricane season is now
coming to a close and there will be no further losses ... espec-
ially for the areas that have already been hit so hard.
Jim wanted to add another country song to the Top 15 Country
Song Titles ... so hear is his addition:
"I've got tears in my ears from lying on my back crying over you"
Thanks Jim ... keep reading!
Fall is in the air .. I woke up this morning and looked outside ...
the leaves are golden, red and yellow and there was FROST
on my car! I had to scrape the windows! I HATE WINTER
and it will not be long before I have to head for hibernation!
Hopefully I will hit the lottery and be able to move down
south this year! I can dream right?
Today's issue includes contributions by: BJ, Tammy, Dave,
Stan, Rubin, Laura, JB, Ron.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why is taking Viagra like going to Disneyworld?
Its a two hour wait for a five minute ride!
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Yeah? Well, I DOUBLE Dare You!
Erik is out of the office this week, so we're taking advantage of his
absence to tell one of the stories that totally embarrass him.
I don't know what it is with teenagers these days.
For one thing, they make me feel old, especially when I say Old Geezer
things like "I don't know what it is with teenagers these days."
They're so awkward and gangly, but are eager to take on the entire
world. A dangerous, yet humorous combination.
I saw a perfect example a few days ago. I was at a stoplight, behind
several cars, and saw a 14-year-old kid walking on the sidewalk with his
girlfriend. Someone a few cars ahead must have said something to the
kid, because he turned around and shot a dirty look at the passenger.
He held his arms out wide, as if to say, "You wanna piece of me?!"
and
shouted something at the other car. Then, with as much macho swaggering
as he could manage, he turned around -- WHAM! -- right into a light
pole.
As I laughed uproariously, and nearly missed my green light, I thought
about when I was growing up. I never would have done anything like this.
Not because I was some noble pacifist who didn't believe in violence. It
was because I couldn't fight.
I lived by the "He who hides and runs away, lives to hide and run away
again" rule. I learned at an early age that humor was a better defense,
and if that didn't work. . . let's just say that my instinct for
self-preservation lead to a semi-successful ten year career as a bicycle
racer.
I can remember vividly the first time I discovered the humor defense.
That's because I've relived the nightmare every day for the past 30
years.
My friend Eddie and I were at the bike rack one day after school, when
two other kids started hassling us. I couldn't tell you what it was
about or who they were. All I can remember is the four of us standing
around, threatening to beat the crap out of each other for some imagined
insult. It was like a kids' fight scene from "The Andy Griffith
Show."
"I dare you to cross this line."
"No, I dare YOU to cross this line."
"You go first.
"No, YOU go first."
"Point of order. In Robert's Rules of Playground Order, the person who
is dared first must accept the challenge on the floor, before another
challenge is made."
"Really? I thought Robert's Rules were amended last year to allow an
escalated dare to supersede the previous dare."
And so on.
But somewhere in all our challenges of "I'll kick your butt," "No,
I'll
kick YOUR butt," the word "kick" somehow managed to become to
"pick."
These new, more powerful taunts were volleyed about with further
promises of pain and violence. But I, being the wimpiest of the bunch,
wisely kept my mouth shut to avoid further trouble.
"I'll pick your eye!" shouted one of the kids.
"Oh yeah? I'll pick your head!" shouted Eddie.
"Uh-uh. I'll pick your stomach!" shouted the other kid.
I decided I had heard enough to master this new threat, and offered my
own menacing contribution to the pending melee.
"Oh yeah?! I'll pick your nose!"
It was like a nerdy-looking stranger had walked into a biker bar.
Everything fell silent. All conversation and outdoor noises stopped, and
20 pairs of eyes locked onto me.
Eddie and our two opponents burst out laughing so hard, they nearly wet
themselves. No longer was I one-half of an unstoppable team of whirling
third grade mayhem. Now I was the dorky kid who threatened to go on a
booger hunt in the middle of a fight.
The three of them laughed so much, they could barely stand. They did
manage to squeak out several more jokes at my expense, like what I
expected to find, and whether I had any other areas I wanted to pick.
So I did what any good comedian will do: end on a high note and leave
them wanting more. I climbed on my bike and rode away as fast as I
could, my face burning hotter than a steel forge. And while this pretty
much put an end to any possibility of ever becoming a playground
pugilist, it did launch me into my career as a humorist, and a possible
career as a diplomat.
This could be a great way to bring peace to the Middle East.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and
Mary up yet?" She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I
think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and
I think I gave him my airplane glue."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"According to a new study, 99% of women say they
don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works
out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather
pants don't like women."
-Conan O'Brien
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to
help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches
calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to
make his announcement and gives the highlights of the
list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are
there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise,
such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent
calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row,
"You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent
osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's
enough calcium to make a strong bone about 6 inches long."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
"'Just say no'" prevents teenage pregnancy
just the same way 'Have a nice day'
cures chronic depression.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has
successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double
its original selling price of $11,250,000.
"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And
America will be
stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime
Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in
exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of
dollars to rebuild.
"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said
Bush. "He and
the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make
Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do.
But
Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."
The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of
Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux.
"Frafer-perly yum kom
drabby sham!"
However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said
Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions,
and
billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25
million dollars in pure profit."
"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume.
"Not only
have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal.
Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and
take it back again."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Traveling Light
by Sheila Moss
My sister and I are planning a trip together to London. I've
never done anything like this before, so it will be an
adventure.
"I've traveled so much that I'm an expert at traveling light,"
my sister told me.
I was glad one of us is. I always take everything I own "just
in case." Just in case never happens, and I drag it back home
untouched. The only time I ever tried to travel light, I ended
up having to go shopping and buy a dress so I could go to a
funeral.
"I want to take stuff I already have," I said. "Would dresses
be okay?" I figured since we were going to a city, dress would
be appropriate. I had planned to take my big, giant suitcase on
wheels so I could get everything inside that I could possibly
need.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/traveling.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/traveling.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper
Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the most popular
of all
activities is making love." Shocked, the wide eyed hostess said, "Oh!
Isn't that revolting?" "No," the diplomat replied, "that's
our second
favorite activity."
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You
came
homeand ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the
game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case
is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice
when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went
to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee
was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Jurors hearing the case against a former judge accused of exposing
himself in his Creek County courtroom will be allowed to see the
sex toy at the center of the state's allegations, a judge ruled
in rejecting a defense motion. They also can hear testimony that
a second "penis pump" was seen under former District Judge Donald
Thompson's bench, among other evidence Thompson's attorneys sought
to have barred from the trial.
"It's so fantastic and so unconnected to factual support, and so
prejudicial," attorney Clark Brewster complained in trying to convince
Judge C. Allen McCall to suppress some state evidence. Thompson, 58,
who spent more than 20 years on the bench before stepping down more
than a year ago, faces three counts of indecent exposure. Prosecutors
allege he masturbated with a penis pump under his robe while presiding
over two murder trials and a civil trial in 2003. Thompson denies the
allegations and said the penis pump seized in the case was a gag gift
from a friend. Brewster argued that the state should be prevented
from submitting the device as evidence, contending that not only did
it not function but that it also was sawed in half while in the state's
custody. Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of
Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in two to
swab it for DNA evidence. McCall denied the defense request. The judge
also refused a defense motion to prevent testimony from a courtroom
reporter who said she discovered a different penis pump under the
judge's bench in 2001.
Brewster said there was no evidence to link the pump to his client, but
High countered that the testimony would help show "this defendant
committed the same crime over and over and over again." McCall took
other issues raised by Thompson's team under advisement, including
testimony from a woman who prosecutors said had a sexual relationship
with Thompson and the admission of 180 hours of courtroom tapes they
said contained the whooshing sound of the penis pump in use.
If convicted, Thompson would face up to 10 years in prison and a
$20,000 fine on each charge and would have to register as a sex offender
upon his release.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A.
what the defendant said before the alleged assault.
Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if
she could write out the answer, After reading the note
the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and
pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman
juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her
and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never
been fucked before." The juror smiled at the woman and
slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!"
ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's
personal."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
RACINE, WIS----JURY CONVICTS ASIAN IMMIGRANT OF SHOOTING SIX DEER
HUNTERS TO DEATH. (USA 9/19)
Looks like the defense should have challenged Bambi and Thumper for
cause.
MOBILE, ALA----KATRINA EVACUEES ARE WELCOMED ABOARD THE CRUISE SHIP
CARNIVAL HOLIDAY. (Associated Press 9/19)
While Kathy Lee Gifford belted out FEMA's new theme song "Help Is On The
Way."
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I stopped at Fisherman's Pier to pick up the first weeks football
pool last night and ran into Patrick.
I hadn't seen him for a while so joined him for a quick cool one
at a bar. He was drinking realy slowly and had on his face the
saddest hangdog expression.
I asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles again with
your wife?"
Pat responded, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't
going to speak to me for a month."
I commented, " Hell, that should make you happy, not sad."
Pat moaned, "Not if the month is up today!"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"SHORT OF MONEY, BUT STILL A MILLIONAIRE"
If you're always thinking about money -- making it, saving
it, investing it -- you may be surprised to learn that human
beings weren't always obsessed with it. In fact, the concept
of money didn't even exist for millions of years, not until
it was introduced to the world by a great thinker: Hongah
the caveman. Widely considered the greatest inventor of his
time, he never seemed to run out of ideas and was twice
named "Caveman of the Year."
One fine afternoon, Hongah spotted his neighbor Oongah
returning from the forest with an antelope slung over his
shoulder. It suddenly occurred to Hongah that perhaps he
could "pay" for some fresh meat, so he ran to Oongah and
handed him a bunch of leaves. Mulberry leaves from the tree
Hongah shook every morning for breakfast.
Oongah looked confused: why was Hongah giving him these
leaves? Did he think that Oongah needed to do his business?
Didn't he know that fig leaves were softer on the bottom?
Trying to be polite, Oongah didn't say anything, just folded
the leaves and stuck them in his armpit. Then he continued
to walk home, wondering if Hongah had finally used up his
brain. To Oongah's surprise, Hongah kept following him,
yelling at the top of his lungs, "Me pay you, me eat meat.
Me want receipt, too."
Oongah did not know what "pay' and "receipt" meant. They
must be some of those fancy concepts that Hongah kept making
up, such as "democracy," "monogamy" and
"bathing." But he
did notice that Hongah looked hungry -- he was drooling like
a dog -- so Oongah thought this would be a good opportunity
to ask Hongah for something. He bent over and drew an
outline in the sand, an outline of Hongah's talkative
daughter, Oprah. Adored throughout the land, she had the
gift of gab and never stopped talking, even after her
audience had gone home. She was the reason Oongah couldn't
get any sleep at night. He kept thinking of her. "Oongah and
Oprah" had a nice ring to it. How wonderful it would be to
have her in his cave. After returning from a hunt, he could
put her in one corner, relax on a rock and watch her all
night. Was there anything better than watching Oprah
talking?
Hongah knew immediately what Oongah desired. Though he
didn't want to give Oprah to a brute like Oongah, he was
willing to listen to Oongah's offer. So he held out his
hands as if to say, "How much?" Oongah decided to be direct:
He pointed at the animal hanging from his shoulder and said,
"Five bucks."
Oongah was shocked. Five bucks? That was too little, an
insult to his daughter. She's worth a million bucks, he
thought. He grunted at Oongah and stomped away in the
direction of the mulberry tree.
As time went by, Hongah began to see the limitations of any
monetary system. Leaves were no good, because it was
important for parents to be able to tell their children that
"money does not grow on trees." Leaves were too common,
anyway. Everyone would have them and nothing would separate
the filthy rich from just the filthy.
Bucks would make a better currency, but Hongah knew a
lot of people who were quite happy without bucks. He had
even thought of a name for them: vegetarians.
His biggest worry was that people would start measuring
their lives solely in terms of bucks. They would do anything
to make a quick buck. They would feel worthless if they
didn't have enough bucks -- even if they had things that
were worth a million bucks, things such as health, freedom,
friendship, and a talkative daughter.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com