ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well the new fall TV Season has started and with it we get
a bunch of new shows ...we watched the two hour premiere
of "Threshold" last week and it looks really good ...people
are comparing it to "X-Files" (which I never watched) ...so
lets hope it has a good long run. With the start of the new
season comes the end of the summer season ... and last
night saw the end of the reality TV hit "RockStar:INXS"... I
didn't get chance to watch the show last night ...but unfortunately
(or fortunately?) I did hear the results on TV this morning and
the winner was none other than Canadian Rocker JD
Fortune! His bad-boy attitude almost cost him early in
the show ...but when he calmed down and showed his
talents...he was damn good! I think we will see big things
out of INXS again now ...and his own song "Pretty Vegas"
will be a hit for sure ...along with the song by his closest
competitor "Trees" by Marty ...that will be a #1 hit!
Amazingly enough ...just three weeks after Katrina hurled
her wrath on the Gulf Coast ... Rita is making a visit there
and she looks like she will be another destructive storm!
Lets all hope that she doesn't leave the same path of
destruction as her sister did. The people of the Gulf
Coast do not need anymore bad news right now.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Lawana. Rubin, JB,
Laura, Mike, Nana, Donald.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda?
Her Civic duty.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I Can Even Use a Power Saw
Ever since we moved into our house 11 years ago, I've enjoyed working on
it. Building and insulating the walls, putting up drywall, and watching
my wife paint.
We finished off the upstairs and the basement with her parents' help,
and I learned the manly art of bashing my own thumb with a hammer. In
fact, I got so good at it that I find I enjoy working with my hands,
beyond just typing on the computer.
Some days, I even fancy myself capable of doing this on a daily basis. I
can just imagine what it would be like to earn a living, doing what I do
on the weekends: drink beer, putter around in the garage, clean it a
bit, drink more beer, and watch football on TV.
Sadly, there is more to being a contractor than that. It's not as much
football watching, which is bad, but a lot more beer drinking, which is
good, unless you're using a power nailer.
The problem with doing this kind of work is that it really can damage a
Guy's hands. Whenever I think, "wouldn't this be fun to do everyday?"
I
remember what my hands looked like when I was finishing the upstairs of
my house six years ago.
Every week brought a new scratch, scrape, scar, or bandage. I began to
look like a walking triage unit, and personal injury attorneys followed
me in the grocery store.
A hand's scars are a historical road map. They show us where we've been,
what we've done, and the total screwups we've made when handling sharp
objects. There's the scar where I cut myself with my dad's hunting
knife, the scar where I cut myself with a kitchen knife, and the scar
where I cut myself with a utility knife while cutting some drywall.
Apparently, I have serious issues with knives.
For the past few weeks, my wife and I have been tackling major projects
around the house, and my hands look like I've been wrestling a sack of
nettles. I have cuts on my fingers from an errant hacksaw, a few poison
ivy blisters, and a couple of scratches from God only knows what. And
this was a good week.
But Guys wear their scars like badges of honor. Stupid,
I-wasn't-paying-attention-and-sliced-my-hand-with-my-utility-knife
scars. Big hey-want-to-see-what-a-hot-drill-bit-can-do-to-human-flesh
scars. And we parade them around for others to see.
When most non-Guys (i.e. "Men") injure themselves, they will
carefully
clean the wound with Bactine, put some antibiotic ointment on it, and
put a clean bandage on it every day. They also get their wives to "kiss
it and make it all better." Guys, on the other hand, will only put a
small Band-Aid on the wound to make sure they don't get blood in their
nachos. Afterward, they take it off so people will ask them about it at
work the next day.
Mildly concerned co-worker: Eww, gross! What did you do to your hand?
Guy: Oh that? That's just a scratch. I was building a new storage shed
out of some pine logs and plywood. I guess one of the pieces got away
from me, because it slipped and gashed my hand up pretty good. I just
wrapped a little duct tape around it and kept working.
Other Guy: What are you talking about? I was over at your house, and you
were cutting little rosettes into some baby redskin potatoes, and you
sliced your hand on that little bitty paring knife. You cried like a
baby and insisted I take you to the emergency room.
Guy: Yeah? Well, now you can forget about me making that lobster bisque
and pasta bolognese for your birthday!
But Guys take pride in their scars, because we earned them. We performed
the labor, we put ourselves at risk, and we made the gross error that
nearly lopped off a finger or severed an artery. These aren't
self-inflicted little scratches that we made to look cool. That would be
like buying pre-torn jeans, like some non-Guys I could name. Guys just
don't fake injuries. We may lie about them, but we'd never fake them.
We'd never intentionally drop lumber on our foot. We'd never try to
injure ourselves with a sharp chisel. And we'd never overdramatize a
groin injury and then purposely get suspended from training camp as a
way to try to leverage a better contract than the 7-year-$49-million
contract our moron of an agent made us sign the year before.
Not that I'm pointing a finger or anything. It's still too painful to
move after I whacked it with a hammer.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic]
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are
"the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for
a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey
turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there
any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there
ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing,
pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as
they begin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed
a penguin!"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
I think future historians will date the fall of western civilization
from the decision to remove the nipples on the mannequins at Sears
-Bob Van Voris
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Fly Story
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/flystory.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/flystory.shtml ">The
Fly Story</a>
A Clean House
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cleanhouse.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cleanhouse.shtml ">A
Clean House</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
build a icecream cone or sundae
<a href=" http://www.cybercones.com/ ">cyber cones</a>
http://www.cybercones.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted
webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two African-Americans decided to go moose hunting in Canada so they packed
up their equipment into their Caddy and drove north to the border. When
they arrvied at the border the guard asked them why they were visiting
Canada and they told him they were going moose hunting ...so he wished them
good luck and they continued on their journey.
After a couple of hours of driving they saw an area that looked promising
so they drove their Caddy deep into the bush. They stopped and got their
guns out of the trunk of their Caddy and began to walk through the bush.
After just a couple of minutes of walking they saw movement in the bush and
one turned to the other and asked "Is that a moose?"
The other replied "I dunno, never saw one before!"
So not knowing what to do, they shot it and loaded into the back of their
Caddy and returned to the border. The surprised border guide asked why
they were back so soon and they told him that they had already got their
moose. So he asked to see it and one of them went to the trunk of the
Caddy and popped it.
The border guard was very surprised to see a dead raccoon in the trunk.
He
said "that isn't a moose!"
So the guy asked what it was. The guard replied "well its what those
people in the US sometimes call you folk!"
The guy screamed over to his buddy, "Hey come over here, we got us a
'black
mutha fucka!"
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
A person can suffer a fatal overdose on 5 grams of caffeine -
that's about 33 strong cups of joe.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Havent Had My Coffee Yet
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nocoffeeyet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nocoffeeyet.shtml
">Havent Had My
Coffee Yet</a>
Mommy, Why Is The Scale Tilting
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/scaletilt.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/scaletilt.shtml
">Mommy, Why Is The
Scale Tilting</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Top 15 Country Song Titles
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then
Number Two On You .
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me!
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You
So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin'
Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause
I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon
Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having
You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out
Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend ....And I
Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but
I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
[Sheila Moss is unavailable this week ... in her place I
bring you a classic column by fellow Netwit John Martin.]
Teats and sweets
by John Martin
Never let it be said that I am a culinary Philistine. I
nearly bought my wife Katherine a cow for Christmas.
I didn't. But only because I could not bear the thought
of trying to conceal it under the Christmas tree. Has
anyone here actually ever tried to gift-wrap a cow?
I got the idea of the cow from glancing at one of
Katherine's cook books while she went about her work in
the kitchen. Katherine had it open on a dessert page.
She was making Knickerbocker Glories, which, with the
benefit of hindsight and a larger belly than I used to
have, I have to say were particularly delicious.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.dunno.com.au/cow.html ">John
Martin</a>
http://www.dunno.com.au/cow.html
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT
PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for
the Nobel Prize. It seems they discovered and calibrated
the smallest particles known to man using only dental
equipment. They became known as.....
"The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Why Do I Have To Get Married
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whymarry.shtml ">Why
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Divorcee Necklace
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his
wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied
during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know.
I don't even think we got a Birthday card from them
this year!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Hangover Barbie
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hangoverbarbie.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hangoverbarbie.shtml
">Hangover
Barbie</a>
This Bride Has Control
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bridecontrol.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bridecontrol.shtml
">This Bride Has
Control</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to
my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters
in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat
flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for
people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how
he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after
losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the
flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all
seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But
then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help,
but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead
of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks
bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they
placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay
in street art. Please give generously' and left me there."
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said
'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one
tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a
dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to
the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I
was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected
over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Sam was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Anni to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Anni saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
she was waiting for the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When he was finished, Anni asked how much for the teapot.
He replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Anni exclaimed. Then
she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Sam had sent her to buy, and
he went to the backroom to find it.
From the back room he yelled, "Anni, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Anni replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
BAHRAIN----MICHAEL JACKSON WILL RELEASE A HURRICANE RELIEF RECORD ON A
LABEL OWNED BY PRINCE ABDULLAH BIN HAMAD AL KHALIFA. (USA Today 9/14)
Known in the music industry as Osama bin Gordy.
ATLANTA----FIGHT BETWEEN PLAYERS BREAKS OUT DURING WARMUP FOR
FALCON/EAGLES MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME. (USA Today 9/13)
There was a scuffle in the broadcast booth, too, when John Madden caught
Dennis Miller trying to sneak back in.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He
hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if
there's any place around where he can get American food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened and they deliver. He gets the phone number and
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza and immediately starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What's on this
pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Pizza have what you
order: pepper only."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her skirt?
Self employed.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
==========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
==========================
"SAY 'CHEESE' AND BEND YOUR KNEES"
Do people in some countries smile more than people in
others? I'm not sure, but there are certainly differences in
when people smile. I'm always stunned when I view photos
from a relative's wedding in India. Everyone looks so
serious, almost glum, like they're attending a meeting of
the Enron Investors Club. I'm telling you, I've seen more
smiles at some funerals.
Granted, the ceremony itself is supposed to be fairly
solemn, but you'd expect to see plenty of laughter and
merriment afterward, at least when the priest isn't around.
Instead, the groom looks like he just ate a worm, while the
bride looks like she just married one.
Of course, it's possible that the photographer did a poor
job of capturing everyone's happiness. Perhaps the bride's
dad went cheap and hired someone from the driver's license
center. Not only did he shine a light directly into
everyone's eyes, the numbskull forgot to tell them to say
"cheese."
Pictures from western weddings look remarkably different.
Everyone is smiling broadly, especially if it's a special
wedding, the kind with an open bar. The groom has such a
wide grin, you can count all the cavities. And the bride
can't help showing her freshly whitened teeth -- she even
smiles when the bartender calls it a night.
There are cultural differences at play, of course, but I've
found that it's always wise to smile in photos, especially
if you're dark-skinned like me. You can always spot me in a
group photo -- I'm the set of teeth in the back row.
Even when I'm posing for an official photograph, such as for
a passport or driver's license, I try my best to smile. Who
knows, the smile might be the only thing that keeps the
authorities from pegging me as a terrorist.
FBI agent: "He's dark-skinned and he has a beard. He might
be a terrorist."
Second agent: "But he's got such a wide smile. An arresting
smile."
First agent: "Yeah, that's what I was thinking. We'd better
arrest him fast. If he's smiling so much, he must be up to
something."
If a smile in a photograph can seem suspicious, so can a
smile on the street. In some countries, smiling at strangers
is considered odd, even impolite. As one Russian said, "If a
man is smiling at everyone on the street, he is either
deeply in love or deeply intoxicated. Or he is an American."
Of course, smiling isn't the only sign of friendliness. In
Zambia, where I grew up, people don't smile as much as
Americans do, but they'll greet you with an elaborate
handshake that often involves handclapping and curtsying,
making you wonder if they think you're royalty, perhaps a
Nepalese prince or at least a relative of Queen Latifah.
If your car breaks down, there's no shortage of people
willing to push it all the way down the street. Just try it
sometime -- it's a great way to save on gas.
People have different ways of being friendly to strangers. I
always welcome a smile, but when it comes right down to it,
I'm far more appreciative of the guy who looks stern, but
offers my wife his seat on the bus, than the guy who shows
all his teeth, but can't show any courtesy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him at
comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com