ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well the massive clean up continues from Katrina and the blame
game is getting worse. When all is said and done it was a natural
disaster and people died ... instead of spending millions of dollars
to come to that same conclusion during some sort of senate
hearing ...why not just spend the money in the area and help
to rebuild? I know why not ...because it makes sense!
As summer draws to a close ...so does the summer TV season ..
and this years has been very interesting. What used to be the
domain of the summer rerun is now generating huge numbers of
veiwers by showing new and unique shows. One of this summers
most successful shows is Rock Star:INXS which has its finale
next week. If you haven't seen this show then you have missed
a great summer concert series as we watched 15 rock stars
perform their hearts out to become the new lead singer of the
band INXS. Last night we watched the final four put on one of
the greatest performances in the history of music. Any one of
those singers could lead the group and I am sure we all have
our favourites. There will be one more eliminated tonight and
then next week we will see who takes the crown.
On that note (pun intended) we also are about to see the finale
of Canadian Idol tonight in a two hour concert spectacle which
will feature non-other than Canada's Bare Naked Ladies! Now
there isn't much that will keep me away from seeing Bare Naked
Ladies perform on TV ...and for all you perverts out there ..they
are a BAND! ;) My choice for Canadian Idol was eliminated
last week ...so it is open season on who wins. This is the second
year in a row that my pick has finished in third place ... I guess
that is a trend!
And for those of you who keep your TVs off during the summer...
then you should prepare for the onslaught of the new fall season
which begins next week ...this years entries include sci-fi dramas
like "Invasion", "Threshold" and "Surface" which
are all themed
around alien invasion of earth ... but the show that I am most
looking forward to seeing is "My Name Is Earl" ...which will
hopefully be the runaway comedy hit of the season! "How I
Met Your Mother" is going to run a close second!
Enjoy this issue ... enjoy the week ... see you next Wednesday.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Amy, Barbara,
Terri, Keli, Laura, Ron, Joanie, Sherri.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What did the math teacher say to the vampire?
Count, Dracula!
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
**Special contest announcement ... using the link below .. sign up
to at least ONE ezine and your name will be entered into a draw for
a $20.00 Amazon.com gift certificate. One entry will be made for
every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
into the contest when you use the link below.
Contest closes September 30th 2005.**
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16
">F-R-E-E E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
http://www.iwnl.net/?16
ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I'll Just Take the Bus Instead
I've become quite the aficionado of GPS (Global Positioning System)
devices over the past year or so. I used to look down my nose at GPS
users, because I thought they were incapable of reading a real map. That
all changed when I used a GPS on several long car trips.
If you've never tried GPS, you should. They beat street maps any day,
because you can drive and use the thing at the same time, and folding it
is a snap. And they announce your next turn well in advance ("right turn
in 500 yards. . . right turn in 200 yards. . ."). They don't give you
weird directions that only locals understand ("go past where the
O'Shaughnessy brothers knocked over Mrs. Murphy's cow"). And they will
recalculate your route if you miss a turn or go the wrong direction.
In fact, that's the coolest things about a GPS. If you miss a turn, it
will -- in a very calm and relaxing voice -- say, "Off route.
Recalculating." And then it tells you the new route you should take.
Of course, this gets a little annoying if you already know where you're
going, but you don't want to take the route the GPS tells you. Then it
just gets monotonous.
That's the big problem with GPS receivers. They have no personality or
flair. No funny voices or hilarious sound effects. So I'm making a
recommendation to all GPS manufacturers to start including different
personalities into their devices. Put the fun back into electronic
navigation.
For example, there's the Passive-Aggressive personality. Say you missed
your turn for the third time in a row. The P-A GPS would shout "What the
heck are you doing?! You missed your stupid turn again! My mother was
right about you! Pull over and ask for directions!" until you got to
your destination.
Or you could even get celebrity personalities, like:
- Former Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight: "You call
that a left turn?! That was crap! If you don't get your head out of your
butt, I'm going to get someone else to drive this car and you'll ride
with the soccer moms!"
- President George W. Bush: "I know more of you wanted to turn left back
there, but I think it's within the car's best interest to turn right
instead, so I'm doing what I want."
- Folk-rock singer Bob Dylan: "How many roads must a man drive down,
before you can -- that was your turn back there."
- NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon: "Turn left. Turn left again. Go straight
for 1.5 miles. Now turn left, and left again. Now pull in here for some
gas."
- Shock jock Howard Stern: "Hey, let's get that chick in the next car to
take her top off."
- Televangelist and 700 Club founder Pat Robertson: "That other driver
thinks we're going to run him off the road? Fine, let's give him what he
wants and run him off the road. No, wait, I didn't really say that. The
radio took what I said out of context and misinterpreted it."
- Humor columnist Dave Barry - "You have three choices, you can turn
left in 300 yards, buy one of my books, or pick your nose and flick the
booger onto your GPS. Personally, I think 'Boogers on My GPS' would be a
great name for a rock band."
- TV reality show 'COPS': "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take a
left turn in 300 yards. Sir? Sir, you have to take a -- Sir! Take a left
turn, sir. Sir, take a -- he's turning right. LET'S GO, LET'S GO! All
units, we've got a right turner here. All units converge on this
location!"
- NFL Announcer John Madden: "You'll want to take a left turn up here in
399 yards. Say, that reminds me of the 2003 Green Bay Packers - Oakland
Raiders game, when Brett Favre threw for 399 yards and 4 touchdowns.
That Brett Favre sure is a joy to watch -- hey, that was your turn -- I
mean, here's a guy who nearly retired at the end of 2004 and -- oops,
where are we?"
- Famed gonzo journalist and whacked-out drug addict Hunter S. Thompson:
Turn left in 300 yards and merge into the -- AAGH! Bats! Bats! Get 'em
off me!!
Okay, on second thought, this is all a bad idea. Instead I'll just have
the soothing sounds of my wife's voice telling me where to turn or that
I'm driving too fast. Oh wait, I already have that.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
"Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please,"
said the old man.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway?
Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor
who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-Kevin James
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
My Version Of The Good Luck Angel
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manangel.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manangel.shtml ">My
Version Of The
Good Luck Angel</a>
Orgasm Simulator
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/simorgasm.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/simorgasm.shtml
">Orgasm
Simulator</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a site that you can rate pets or add your own
<a href=" http://www.ratingpets.com/
">rating pets</a>
http://www.ratingpets.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors'
special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for
$1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want
the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine
cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress
warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My
wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the
two eggs home.
Don't Mess With Seniors!
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html
">TeeCee!</a>
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
More proof that gasoline prices are out of control:
I pulled into a full service gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas. The guy farted,
took my five and walked away.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Paper Clips Gone Wild
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clips.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clips.shtml ">Paper
Clips Gone
Wild</a>
Wife Gets Riding Lawnmower
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lawnmower.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lawnmower.shtml ">Wife
Gets Riding
Lawnmower</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
This young boy walked into a drugstore and walked up to the clerk.
"I want to buy a pack of condoms please," he said. The clerk looked
at him and asked how old he was. "I'm twelve" he answered.
"And do you know what these are for" the clerk asked. "Yes sir,
they
are for birth control and for the prevention of disease" the boy
answered. Well, the clerk thought if the boy knew that much then it
would be o.k. to give them to him. So he got a pack and laid them
on the counter.
The boy looked at them and told the clerk "that's wasn't the kind I
wanted." "I want the kind that has the ribs and the bumps on
them."
The clerk asked the boy "do you know what they would do to a woman?"
The boy replied "No but I do know they will raise the wool on a
sheep's back!"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
The Rooster Pitcher
by Sheila Moss
I won! I got the item I was bidding for on E-Bay! This may seem
like a
small thing, but it was my first purchase on E-Bay, and from all the email
I'm receiving from them, they seem to be as excited about it as I am. I
never thought before that I wanted to get involved in the trouble of
bidding and haggling, but I think I'm starting to like it now.
It all started out in a rather unusual way. I was looking at Blogger;
you know the place where people keep these online weblogs, called
"blogs"
for short. They have a place on Blogger where they ask offbeat questions
just to get people started. Apparently some people have trouble with
this;
though, I'm not sure why they are blogging if they have nothing to say.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/roosterpitcher.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/roosterpitcher.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Once upon a time an evil king captured a beautiful princess and held
her captive in his high tower. Though she was very lovely he forced her
to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave
knight will
rescue me!"
"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every
knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by
her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king
taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in
this dress!"
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Driving With Jill: A View From The Backseat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drive2fast.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drive2fast.shtml
">Driving With Jill:
A View From The Backseat</a>
Lots of People Are Using Smileys Way Too Much
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/humansmileys.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/humansmileys.shtml
">Lots of People
Are Using Smileys Way Too Much</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
******* WIN
FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet
Paper</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale!!!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
OMG, Did Someone Really Order AND Eat This??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/largeburger.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/largeburger.shtml
">OMG, Did Someone
Really Order AND Eat This??</a>
I Am Not That Kind Of Lady
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nothatkind.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nothatkind.shtml ">I Am
Not That Kind
Of Lady</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
The cat is out of the bag at a restaurant in northeast China that
had been serving donkey meat spiked with tiger urine in pricey
dishes advertised as endangered Siberian tigers. Local media in
Heilongjiang province got wind the restaurant was offering stir-
fried dishes and medicinal liquor made from tiger meat and bones,
sparking local police and health inspectors to pounce, the China
Daily said today. "After inspection, the owner confessed that
the so-called tiger meat was donkey meat that had been dressed
with tiger urine to give the dish a 'special' flavour," the
newspaper said. The restaurant had been charging as much as $131
a dish for the illegal, "rare" fare, tapping into traditional
Chinese belief that tiger meat has aphrodisiacal properties. The
restaurant was shut down and fined. The director of the nearby
Hengdaohezi Siberian Tiger Park, China's largest centre for
breeding the highly endangered animals, reassured the public
there was no way meat from its big cats had made its way to the
dinner table, the newspaper said.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy
The world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
The newest thinnest book to hit the market
FEMA'S PLAN IN THE EVENT OF FLOODING OF NEW ORLEANS
by Michael D. Brown
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
WASHINGTON----115 NATIONS HAVE OFFERED THE U.S. FOOD, SUPPLIES, MILITARY
AND MEDICAL PERSONNEL AND FUNDS. (NBC News 9/10)
About the same number of nations Bush had planned to invade before his
approval rating tanked at 38%.
TOKYO----HONDA WILL BE THE FIRST TO PUT AN AIR BAG SYSTEM ON A MASS
PRODUCED MOTORCYCLE. (Cable News Network 9/9)
Harley owners say they'll continue to rely on the well-positioned biker
chick.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did?
For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith,
if you were a baker, your last name was Baker.
It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE ROAD, NOT ON THE GAS"
If you're steamed about the price of gasoline, burning up
about spending your entire paycheck at the pump, it may be
time to change your driving habits. But first you need to
change your attitude about the people in the oil industry.
You need to stop thinking of them as greedy scoundrels and
start thinking of them as honest people just trying to make
a living, just trying to feed their families, clothe their
children and make the monthly payments on their yachts.
They're no different from you, really, aside from a couple
of extra zeros in their paychecks.
They would gladly lower the price of fuel, if not for a
number of uncontrollable factors. To get a better
understanding, I asked an oil company spokesman how the
price is determined and he said, "Well, it's really
complicated. We start with the supply of petroleum, how many
millions of barrels are available and at what price, then we
look at the potential demand on a particular day, then we
account for all the federal and state taxes, and finally we
factor in numerous variables, including the strength of the
economy, the consumer price index, the prime interest rate,
the amount of rainfall in Malawi and Oprah's dress size."
Instead of blaming the oil people, you need to gradually
reduce your dependence on gas. Here are a few suggestions:
---Walk. If you've never done it before, now is the time to
give it a shot. It requires a certain degree of balance and
coordination, so if you're feeling overwhelmed, you may want
to consider enrolling in a walking class. They will teach
you how to walk in three simple steps.
Step 1: Take a step.
Step 2: Take another step.
Step 3: Repeat Steps 1 and 2.
Of course, before you do any actual walking, you may want to
consult a doctor. The doctor will tell you if your body can
handle it or if you need to start with something less
challenging, such as standing on an escalator.
Once you've learned how to walk, you will enjoy a lot more
freedom. For example, you will no longer need to wait in
your car at the "drive-thru," tapping the steering wheel
impatiently and running your engine needlessly. You can
actually get out of your car, walk to the front door and
pick up your date.
Walking often provides an extra benefit: weight loss. Yes,
like Hugh Grant at a casino, the pounds will start dropping
off you. And you will find yourself using even less fuel
when you drive your car, because you won't be hauling around
such a huge load.
---Use public transportation. Buses, trains and streetcars
are great ways to travel, especially if you don't mind minor
inconveniences, such as having to sit next to people who are
different from you, people who don't have tickets to the
opera, but may just have tickets to Oprah.
The best thing about public transportation is that you can
do a lot of reading, not just books and newspapers, but
also tattoos. You need to be somewhat discreet, of course.
Otherwise the woman sitting next to you, noticing your gaze,
will turn her book the other way.
---Carpool. Try to share a ride with a co-worker or someone
who works in the vicinity. Perhaps you can find someone who
shares your taste in music, who has a good car stereo and
doesn't mind blasting Yanni.
Many cities have carpool lanes, allowing you to travel to
and from work faster. You'll be less stressed out when you
get home. And you'll be able to smile at the gas station,
knowing that you won't have to come back soon, that you
won't have to worry about the rainfall in Malawi.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com