ΣΏΣ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ΣΏΣ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult
Humour-------------------->
Well what a week ... in the wake of the worst hurricane to
ever hit
the US we have watched the City of New Orleans being reduced
to something that we usually only see in Third World Countries.
It has been difficult to watch this unfold on our TV screens
and
I am sure it is hundreds of times worse to experience it in
person.
Mother Nature has once again proven to be a bitch and she
really
set her sights on the Gulf Coast this time. It will take that area
many years (if ever) to recover from this one. Some of the stories
over the last week have been heart-breaking, from the
looting, rape
and murders that have been taking place ... but some of the
stories
of survivial help to take away some of that pain. As a "World-Comm-
unity" we need to all stand up together and support the
Gulf Coast
through this troubled time.
This is not a time to point fingers or to
lay blame ... this is a time to support our brothers and
sisters of
the world. You have been through Hell and back ... lets try
to make
this a little more like Heaven.
Since this ezine started I have had an online archive of
most of my
back-issues .. but lately that online archive has become
less and
less reliable.
Currently it is not available at all and I fear that I have
lost access to it.
With that said I have begun to build my own online
archive and hope to take it all the way back to the start in
1999. If
I am unable to reconnect with the previous archive I will be
missing
about six months of issues ... but we'll see how that works
out. If
you'd like to take a look at the progress so far you can see
it at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine
">Archives</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine
AND last but not least ...the August winner of the $20.00
Amazon
Gift Certificate is: Samuel B of San Diego, California. YOUR chance
to win in the September contest begins TODAY!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Laura, JB,
Lawana,
Sherri, Carole, Mike.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Lets start with a quickie:
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in
common?
The same middle name.
ΣΏΣ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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Your email address automatically entered
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Contest closes September 30th 2005.**
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ΣΏΣ-------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ΣΏΣ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You Think YOUR Road Trips Are Long?
"No, we're not there yet."
"About six more weeks."
"We're in Central Ohio."
"We should get to the Indiana border in three
weeks."
"That's pretty fast, children."
"Sure it is. Wagon trains just seem to take a long
time."
"We're going as fast as we can."
"Just be patient."
"Go in the back and take a nap if you're bored."
"Then get out and walk alongside!"
"I'm sorry, good wife. The children just yammer on so.
It's been the
same questions every day for the last month. Are we there
yet? How much
longer? Will we see Indians? Sarah is on my side of the
wagon. Can we
put the cover down? I'm tempted to make them get out and
walk the rest
of the way."
"That is not cruel! My father made me get out and walk
next to the wagon
train when I was bored. And look how well I turned
out."
"*Sigh* You're probably right. Wagons weren't nearly as
fast as they are
now. Nor as safe. Now we all have these modern amenities
like a cover
and extra room for bunking down. Plus there's room for their
books and
their rubber ball. Everything a pioneer child could ever
want."
"You know, sometimes I wonder if we spoil them. I mean,
a book AND a
rubber ball? When I was a boy, my brothers and I all shared
a single
book and we played catch with a smooth rock."
"I am not exaggerating. I can still remember how angry
Joseph and James
were when I lost the rock at the swimming hole. I looked for
hours, but
never found it again. They gave me the silent treatment for
a week, and
they still get upset about it after all these years."
"I'm not kidding. Let me show you. There's Joseph's
wagon over there."
"Hallo, Joseph!"
"Fine, and you?"
"Good. Say, do you remember our rock we played with as
boys?"
"I know. Look, I said I was sorry."
"What are you still upset about? We got a wooden ball
that next
Christmas."
"Oh great. Now they've gone up ahead. See, I told you
they were still
upset about it."
"John, Sarah, come up here and look at the scenery.
It's marvelous."
"What?! It's not boring, it's wonderful. To be immersed
in God's
creation so fully makes me excited to be out here on the
frontier."
"What do you mean, it all looks the same? Nonsense.
Each tree is
different and unique from every other. Why, there's a white
oak, and
over there is a red oak. There are a couple of pine trees,
and a fir
tree, and -- oh, look, a tamarack. See, all kinds of
different and
unique trees."
"Shh! Quiet everyone. Look over there. It's a buck.
Look at the size of
him.
" He's magnificent. Fetch me my rifle, son."
"Of course I'm going to shoot it. How else are we going
to eat it?"
"No, I'm not going to eat boiled potatoes again. A man
can only eat
boiled potatoes so many times, and 27 nights in a row is too
many."
"Children, go to the back and read your book."
"No, I don't want apples either. We've been eating
apples for lunch ever
since we met up with that Johnny Appleseed fellow back in
Akron two
weeks ago. The only thing I'm more tired of than potatoes is
apples."
"I don't care what the doctor said about my cholesterol.
The man was as
fat as an ox and his breath stank of that magic potion he
sold. Besides,
what the heck is cholesterol anyway?"
"I did not blaspheme."
"Heck is not a bad word."
"It isn't."
"I don't care what Preacher Fairweather says. He doesn't
even believe in
modern music like "Oh Susanna." The man's an
idiot."
"Why are we arguing about this anyway? The buck got
away."
"What do you mean, good?"
"Listen, woman, I need meat. M-E-E-T, meat. If I don't
get some animal
flesh soon, I'll eat one of the oxen."
"What, John?"
"Didn't you go when we stopped for dinner?"
"Why not?"
"I asked you both of you had to go."
"You should have tried anyway."
"Listen, the Rules of the Trail are that when we stop
the wagon,
everyone has to make water.
"That means -- I am not being coarse, I'm trying to
make a point. --
EVERYONE. Even you two."
"Can't you hold it for a while longer? I wasn't going
to stop again
until supper time."
"Fine. Just wait until we go another mile or so."
"About half an hour."
"Listen, we're making good time. I don't want to have a
long delay."
"Fine, just run up ahead a few hundred yards and go.
We'll catch up with
you when you're done."
"And listen to your mother. If you meet any Indians, be
polite and mind
your manners."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night
he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he
just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want
people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which
can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A cub reporter was sent to the circus to do a feature on the
sideshow. When
he knocked on the door of the midget's trailer, it opened to
reveal an
extremely tall man, well over six feet.
"Uh, I'm looking for Shorty O'Rourk, circus
midget?", asked the reporter.
"I'm Shorty," the man answered.
"But ... you're so...tall! stammered the reporter.
"I know," replied Shorty. "It's my day off."
ΣΏΣ-----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ΣΏΣ
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy
in one
of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was
afraid to bet."
-Henry Youngman
ΣΏΣ-----------------------SATIRE BY
SROKA----------------------ΣΏΣ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Some People Deserve This Belated Card
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/belatedfu.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/belatedfu.shtml
"> Some People
Deserve This Belated Card </a>
Real Friends
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/realfriends.shtml
<a href="
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/realfriends.shtml ">Real Friends</a>
ΣΏΣ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ΣΏΣ
wasted webspace site of the day:
fantasy messages
<a href="
http://www.tonyaharding.com/messages/MESSAGES.CFM?PAGE=1 ">tanya
harding website</a>
http://www.tonyaharding.com/messages/MESSAGES.CFM?PAGE=1
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise -- CONFIRMED
3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland
It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and
Swiss Army
Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with
live ammo.
The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their
weapons
for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this
detachment,
decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife
attack on
a soldier. Wielding
his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men,
achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to
release the
safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest
possible
time. The surprised
soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him
with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the
attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier
had saved
himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a
surprise attack.
The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on
his quick
action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed
with one shot.
Source: http://www.darwinawards.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
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ΣΏΣ-----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ΣΏΣ
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
PacMan Sex
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pacmansex.shtml
<a href="
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For The Little Guy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/littleguy.shtml
<a href="
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Guy</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Catholic Code Words:
CATHOLIC CODE WORDS.....
AMEN
The only part of a prayer
that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
Parish to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER
A liquid whose
chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN
A song of praise
usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of
the congregation's
range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at
Mass often sung a little more quietly,
since most of
the people have already
left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS
An order of priests known for their ability to find
colleges with good
basketball teams.
JONAH
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON
The only Greek words
that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and
baklava.
MAGI
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER
Where Mary gave birth
to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
covered by an HMO.
(The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION
The ceremonial
formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar
servers, the
celebrant, and late parishioners looking for
seats.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession
at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been
going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when
to sit, kneel, and
stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important
Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS
The only people in the
parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a
pew.
ΣΏΣ----------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ΣΏΣ
My favourite columnist has taken a break from humour due to
Hurricane Katrina.
ΣΏΣ-------------------DAILY TOON
FEATURES-------------------ΣΏΣ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your
whole family
laugh."
<a
href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
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ΣΏΣ--------------------IT'S NOT
PUNNY!------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Shortly after the Korean War, the son of then South Korean
President Syngman Rhee was hired as a Life Magazine cor-
respondent. The younger Rhee was a remarkably kind, gentle
and considerate man, but he had one problem: He loved to
drink and sometimes was gone on a bender for days.
On one occasion, Rhee was missing for three days before
someone at the magazine's office finally suggested they
look for him. Other correspondents and even the police
were involved in the search. Finally, about two weeks
later, a policeman walked into a tavern, looked at the
man slumped over the bar and cried,
"Ah, Sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found
you."
ΣΏΣ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ΣΏΣ
I'd Love To
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/idloveto.shtml
<a href="
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Schlongs
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ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
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ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
As we age, our priorities change...
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
dressed
in very sexy
negligee and holding a couple of short velvet
ropes." Tie me up," she purred, "and you can
do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went to play golf.
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
My PiggyBank After I Gas Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/piggybank.shtml
<a href="
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/piggybank.shtml ">My PiggyBank After
I Gas Up</a>
Japanese Fast Food
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<a href="
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Food</a>
ΣΏΣ-------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ΣΏΣ
A love motel exclusively for pets has opened in Brazil. The
Pet Love motel, in Sao Paulo, offers decorated rooms for
pets to mate. Las Ultimas Noticias reports that it is aimed
at pet owners who are concerned for their animal's needs.
The
rooms in the motel, at Barra Funda, are decorated in the
same
way as love motels for humans, with satin sheets, ceiling
mirrors and lots of cushions. A Pet Love spokesperson said:
"Pets have needs and they also want some
excitement."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign
advertising,
"Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating
Positions."
The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I
just had to buy one.
Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that
I had just purchased an expensive book about chess.
ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICK
WIT-------------------------------ΣΏΣ
BEIJING----CHINA WILL BAN TOBACCO ADVERTISING AND VENDING
MACHINES
DISPENSING TOBACCO PRODUCTS. (Cable News Network 8/29)
They plan to reroute profits from millions of lives saved
into more
manpower to increase production of counterfeit Rolexes.
--
DETROIT----POLICE CHIEF ANNOUNCES PLANS TO LAY OFF 150
OFFICERS. (USA
Today 8/30)
Despite last-minute pleas from the National Alliance of
Donut Shop
Owners.
Copyright © 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy
old castle. At the
end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about
seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never
seen a ghost all
the time I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
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ΣΏΣ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Why are pubic hairs curly?
Because if they were straight they would poke your eyes out!
ΣΏΣ---------------------MELVIN
DURAI------------------------------ΣΏΣ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"RACING TO HELP KATRINA VICTIMS"
It's a warm Texas morning and President Bush calls a press
conference to address growing concerns about Hurricane
Katrina.
Bush: "Thank you all for coming here today. Let me just
say
that my administration is ready to swing into action
whenever New Orleans needs our help. I've asked the mayor to
call me as soon as Hurricane Katrina hits the shore, even if
I'm still on vacation."
Wolf Blitzer, CNN: "Mr. President, haven't you been
watching
the news? Katrina hit New Orleans five days ago. The city is
flooded. Many people are homeless, desperate for food and
water. They're wondering why it's taking so long for the
government to send help."
Bush: "Hold on a minute, Wolf. I'll be right
back."
The president returns after 10 minutes to address reporters
again.
Bush: "Thank you all for coming here today. Let me just
say
that my administration is responding quickly to the tragic
situation in New Orleans and other parts of Mississippi. We
are calling this Operation Freedom From Water. I have
dispatched 10,000 National Guard troops to the affected
areas and they will arrive there as soon as they're done in
Iraq. We are also airlifting emergency supplies to New
Orleans, including food, water and American flags. I have
asked Congress to approve $10.5 billion in disaster aid,
while Vice President Cheney, acting with great urgency, has
awarded the first rebuilding contract to Halliburton."
Terry Moran, ABC: "Mr. President, thousands of people
are
stranded in New Orleans, still waiting for help. Some are
wondering if America will help them or if they need to turn
to Mexico. Many are saying that the government has let them
down, that they're being treated like animals, not human
beings. What do you say to them?"
Bush: "Terry, this is America. We don't treat human
beings
like animals. We treat animals like human beings. You may
not know this, but we've evacuated thousands of dogs and
cats. A number of Chihuahuas, too."
Moran: "But what about the people, Mr. President?"
Bush: "We care about the people, too. That's why we
asked
everyone to evacuate before Katrina arrived. We asked them
to load their cars and drive out of the city. Well, I've
just been informed that some folks do not own cars. They
rely on something called 'public transportation.' I've asked
the Secretary of Transportation to look into it and see if
we can 'public transportation' these people out of New
Orleans and other parts of Mississippi."
Judy Keen, USA Today: "Mr. President, some of the
hardest-hit people are saying that race was a factor in the
government's response to the tragedy. Was race a
factor?"
Bush: "Let me be frank with you, Judy: Race is always a
factor in responding to disasters. If we don't race, how can
we help people in time? We must race."
John Roberts, CBS: "Mr. President, some experts are
saying
that your single-minded focus on fighting terrorism has
compromised the country's ability to handle natural
disasters. They say it made us more vulnerable to Hurricane
Katrina."
Bush: "Well, it made us less vulnerable to Hurricane
Saddam.
And what about Hurricane Osama? I consider them natural
disasters, too, because it's in their nature to wish
disaster upon us. We should be naming hurricanes after
evildoers like them. If we did that, people would evacuate
faster. Do you think anyone would stick around to see if
they can survive Hurricane Hitler?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A
native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S.
in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com