ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Well the devastation in the Gulf Coast from Katrina is getting
worse every day ....while New Orleans was spared the massive
hit that they expected, they certainly did't get away with any-
thing!  The damage in New Orleans is getting worse now that
the levees have given way and God only knows what the end
result will be.  Biloxi, Mississippi also took a huge hit and
it seems that the death toll will certainly rise in that area.
Officials predicted that this could be "America's Tsunami" and
while the death toll will certainly not match that disaster...the
damage and destruction to homes, businesses and infrastructure
will be felt for many many years.  Economically it has already
caused a huge rise in gasoline prices which were already
being hit by higher oil prices in the Middle East ... this only
intensifies that!  So all that said ...lets all think about our
friends and neighbours on the Gulf Coast and say a little
prayer for their health and safety.  And think yourselves
lucky that it didn't happen to you!

On a lighter note ...this is the last long weekend of the summer
and because of that their are activities all over North America.
Take time out this weekend to attend one of the many fairs,
rodeos or other events in your area.  Every Labour Day
long weekend for the last 5 years I have attended a car show,
demolition derby and stock car races in Dauphin, Manitoba and
will be back again this year.  Its a fun event that just keeps getting
bigger and bigger each year.  If you are ever in the area you have
to check it out:
<a href=" http://www.cruisindauphin.com ">Cruisin' Dauphin</a>
http://www.cruisindauphin.com

AND don't forget ...today is the last day to enter to win a $20.00
Amazon.com gift certificate ...details are below!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin,  JB, Terri,
Laura, Ron, Lawana.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

What do Italians call a cloud floating above Rome?

A bigamist.

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

At midnight tonite ...someone will win a $20.00 Amazon.com
Gift Certificate ... it could be YOU ... all you have to do is use
the link below to sign up to at least ONE ezine ...the more  you
sign up for ... the more chances you have to win!  The winner
will be chosen from all entries received by MIDNIGHT TONITE!

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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Lord of the Fish

Erik is on vacation this week, participating in his favorite sport,
fishing, so we are reprinting a fishing column while he's gone.


Friday, July 6 - We made it! After a 20 hour drive from Indiana, we made
it to Red Lake, Ontario for our annual fly-in fishing trip. Each summer,
we spend a week up in Northwest Ontario, eating, fishing, smoking
cigars, telling jokes, and enjoying the scenery and moderate weather,
and maybe drinking a beer or two. Between us. All week long. I swear.

This year, it's just me, Joe, and Carmon. We're going to try something
new. For the past four years, we've brought enough food for all seven
days, in case we don't catch any fish. Since we've had great luck in the
past, and this is such a great fishing lake, we're only bringing canned
fruits and vegetables to go with all the fish we'll catch.

We're here a day early, so we'll check in with the camp/flight service
owner. We're tired after the long drive, so we'll get to bed early. We
leave at 5:00 tomorrow morning.

Saturday, July 7 - Ah, Marvin Lake, our old stomping grounds. The float
plane landed at 6:00 am, we unloaded our gear, helped the previous group
load, and they were on their way. We won't see anyone from Red Lake
until Tuesday when they check on us to make sure we're alright.

Unfortunately we were so tired that we slept through last night's
dinner, and we left too early to get breakfast in town. And to top it
off, someone (not me) forgot to bring our food. All we have are two cans
of beans, some vegetable oil, and a bag of flour for battering the fish.
We're definitely going to have to catch fish if we want to eat.

Sunday, July 8 - Yesterday was awful, and today was worse! The sun was
bright, the weather was hot, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It's
hotter in the cabin than it is outside. Sure it looks beautiful, but
fish don't like bright clear days. They like cool, cloudy days. Needless
to say, we didn't catch anything. We ate a can of beans, and saved the
other can for tomorrow.

Monday, July 9 - Blast this wretched sun!! It's been clear and hot since
we got here. We didn't catch any fish today either, and we're famished!
We finished the other can of beans for breakfast today, and we've
started frying little balls of dough and water into some sort of
deep-fried ball. It's disgusting, and the balls just sit in our stomachs
like pebbles.

The heat is just intolerable. Joe is suffering terribly from the heat,
and Carmon can't get enough water. I've been lucky enough so far to
spend most of the hot weather sitting in the shade during the worst of
it, but I'm still feeling the day's effects.

Tuesday, July 10 - Another hot and clear day! Joe finally snapped and
began babbling incoherently about flying fish wearing giant onion
costumes. We couldn't leave him in the cabin, because it's 10 degrees
hotter in there. We left him in the shade, half-conscious, and he lost a
pint of blood to the biting flies. Now we're not just trying to catch
fish to eat, we're trying to survive.

Peter was supposed to come today to check on us, but he never showed up.
Either he forgot about us, or the entire Western hemisphere has perished
because George W. Bush couldn't get his missile shield finished in time.

Wednesday, July 11 - Joe and Carmon have been sharpening their knives an
awful lot, and giving me these funny looks, sort of like when the Coyote
envisions the Road Runner as a giant Road Runner sandwich.

Last night, I woke up to find Joe standing over my bed with his knife
and fork in hand. I'm afraid for my life, so I booby trapped my side of
the cabin with bungie cords and pointy sticks. I know they'll be coming
for me, but I'm ready for them.

Thursday, July 12 - It finally happened. Joe and Carmon have snapped
from the lack of food and repressive heat. They went out fishing early
this morning (they woke up at 5:00, which is the first sign of
insanity), caught a small Northern pike and ate it raw. That gave them
the energy to mount an attack against me, but I had spent all morning
creating spears from tree limbs, and a crude bow and 30 arrows. I was
able to hold them off

At noon, they cut the water line that runs from the lake to the sink in
our cabin. I anticipated this, and have filled every pot, bowl, and
glass with water. They've fashioned drums out of hollow logs, and have
smeared berries on themselves to make war paint. Very "Lord of the
Flies."

My arrows and spears held off two more charges, but I can hear them
outside in the dark, snarling, slapping at mosquitoes, and waiting for
me to drop my guard.

Friday, July 13 - It's a standoff. I'm trapped inside where it's hot,
but sheltered from the bugs. Carmon and Joe are stuck outside with the
bugs, but they have access to the lake. If I can ration my water, maybe
I can outlast them. When will help arrive?

Saturday, July 14 - It's the last day, the end of our trip! Soon, the
float plane will arrive with the next group of hopeful fishermen. And
they'll have food. I shouted this information to Carmon and Joe as they
hid in the woods. We have forged an uneasy peace. We will hide in the
woods, and wait for the new ones arrive. . .

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read
their e-mails with the right hand on the mouse...Don't bother
taking it off, it's too late!

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a
can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

[Taking a break!]

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

as if there aren't enough personals on the internet

<a href=" http://www.animalpeople.com/ ">animal people personals</a>
http://www.animalpeople.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Viagra Diary

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not
much to celebrate.  When it came time to reenact our
wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and
cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to
know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I
mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so
long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument
and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the
market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called
Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things
will be just like they were on our wedding night. He
said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join
us.' I think this will work.  I replaced his Prozac
with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than
his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun
intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd
like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about
him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
But, have to admit...

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new
friend as a weed whacker.
Sore as hell...

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only
take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing
the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet
Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky
all over...

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him.
Everything is turning blue.  The other day, we were
watching Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do
Denmark." Even my armpits hurt.  He's a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like
going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke
up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums
and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps
coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife must have felt.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope
he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100
days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries
that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill
him.

Day 15.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he
tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to
bark like a dog... Help me.

Day 16.
I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The
cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer
come over. Last night I told him to screw himself...
he did. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll
go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck,
I won't be able to close the casket.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

When I got home last night, my Lady demanded that I take her out
to someplace expensive.....So I took her to a gas station!

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

[Taking a break!]

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling
me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like
that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you
want to get in before nine A.M.?"


"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly.
"I want to get out."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

Following Directions
by Sheila Moss

Unlike a man, I know how to ask for directions.  Also, unlike
a man, I follow the directions even if they get me lost.  I
proved it this week.

I had to go to Fall Creek Falls, a Tennessee State Park.
I'd never been there before so I wanted to be sure I knew
where I was going.  I got directions off the State Park's
website.  Then I went to one of those Internet mapping
sites for really specific directions.

What I didn't think of is that the closest way is not always
the best way. Women who are great navigators don't worry
about things like that.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/directions.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/directions.htm

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

[WARNING ... SUPREME GROANER AHEAD!]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.  Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said
to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a
shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".  As Justin had
his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water
and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does) and Justin found himself becoming
bored and lonely as a shark.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight.  During the next tropical
storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back
into a prawn.  Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these,
but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning
struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into
prawn.With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.  (The punch line does not involve
a prawn cocktail, it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.  "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's house.  As he opened the coral gate, the memories
came flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, " No way,
man, you'll eat me.  You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back " No I'm not.  That was the old me.  I've changed..."
... "I'm a prawn again Christian!"

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

[Taking a break!]

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds.
He sees Wendy and asks her, "Wendy, how much is three times
three?"

Wendy responds "59."

He goes over to Anni and asks, "Anni, how much is three times
three?"

Anni responds, "Wednesday."

He finally goes over to Keli and asks, "Keli, how much is three
times three?"

"NINE" replies Keli.

"That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?"

"It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

[Taking a break!]

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

Michael Lyons apparently had a funny practical joke planned for his
daughter's birthday. In the end, no one was laughing - especially
Lyons. Lyons, 45, was arrested after he told a 13-year-old girl to
hand a note to a bank teller, police said. The note said, "Give me
all of your money, this is a stick up," according to a police
report. The incident happened Friday when Lyons and a group of girls
were celebrating his daughter's birthday. While he was getting money
out of an ATM, the girl went into the bank and handed the note to a
teller.

The teller sounded the bank's alarm, and police and FBI surrounded
the building. Instead of robbers, they found Lyons and the girls.
Lyons was charged with criminal attempt of robbery by intimidation,
said Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan Police spokesman Bucky Burnsed.
"You can't yell 'fire' in a crowded theater, can't joke about a bomb
in your luggage at the airport, and you can't write notes to cashier
that say 'This is a stick up,'" Burnsed said.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their lives interesting. I went to the store the other
day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out
there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on Buddy, How about giving
 a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket! I called
him a name.  He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a worse name!  He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first!. Then he started
writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes!   The more I abused him,
the more tickets he wrote! I didn't care. My car was parked
around the corner.  This one had a "Hillary in '08" bumper
sticker on it!

I try to have a little fun each day now that I am retired.
It's important at our age.

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

ATLANTA----NEW HAMPSHIRE, IOWA, ILLINOIS AND COLORADO ARE THE ONLY
STATES THAT HAVE NO MOTORCYCLE HELMET LAW. (USA Today 8/23)

They were ruled exempt after medical researchers discovered their
citizens have skull casings considerably thicker than normal.

ROME----MODERATE EARTHQUAKE SHAKES ROME AND NEARBY COASTAL TOWNS. (USA
Today 8/23)

The temblor measured IV point V on the Vatican's Richter Scale.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Will the terrorist stop at nothing? Innocent adults, children, and
now this !

URGENT ALERT

This morning - - from a cave somewhere in Pakistan - - Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

What do you get when you stack Batman, Superman, and
Spider-Man?

A superhero sandwich.

ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT CANADA"

Shortly after his appointment as America's new ambassador to
Canada, David Wilkins, former South Carolina legislator, was
asked during a CBC interview if he had been to Canada
before. "Many years ago, when I was in the Army stationed in
Indiana, my wife and I visited Canada," he replied.

"Oh yes, where did you go?" asked the interviewer,
pleasantly surprised that Wilkins had ventured that far
North.

"Well ... uh ... it was ... uh ... round the ... uh ... the
Falls area ... uh ... Niagara Falls, back up in there around
that area, as well as ... uh ... going I guess back West
toward Indiana. But obviously above Indiana. But I'd have to
get out a map to tell you all."

Wilkins, who had been a major fundraiser for President Bush
in South Carolina, apparently couldn't name any Canadian
provinces. But give the new ambassador credit. He did manage
to say "Niagara Falls."

He's probably an expert on Canada compared to most
Americans, many of whom know as much about their northern
neighbor as they do about Venus. (The tennis player as well
as the planet.) While Canadians receive a daily diet of
American news through their media, only a handful of
Americans could name the Canadian prime minister -- the ones
who gather intelligence for the CIA. (His name is Ricky
Martin. Sorry, Paul Martin.)

To help everyone learn more about Canada, let's play a game
of "True or False."

True or false: There's so much snow in Canada year-round,
the country has started exporting it.

False: Canada exports snow only in the winter. The snow
leaves Canada atop tractor-trailers bound for America. In
return, America allows Canada to have one NBA team.

True or false: The average Canadian man is so crazy about
ice hockey, he will watch it for hours at a time, even if he
has no beer.

True: If you visit the average Canadian home, you will find
three bottles of beer and 12 hockey sticks. The ice rink is
in the backyard.

True or false: Most Canadians speak two languages, English
and French.

False: If you travel around Toronto, you will quickly learn
that many Canadians speak only one language: Chinese. While
French and English are the official languages, you'll need
to be multilingual to communicate in every restaurant. And
you'd better not eat that meat-and-vegetable dish, if all
you asked for was some horseradish.

True or false: Canada abounds with moose. To go moose
hunting, Canadians just have to go into their backyards,
find a moose and hit it with a hockey stick.

False: Moose are usually not found in people's backyards.
They tend to prefer the front yard. Canadian moose are quite
friendly and you can ask them to leave your yard, as long as
you have room in your home.

True or false: Canada provides free healthcare for all its
people, even the ones who don't get paid in stock options.

True: Canada takes care of its poor, partly through high
taxes. A poor man may suffer a heart attack, but it usually
happens before he gets the hospital bill.

True or false: Canadian motorists are required to turn on
their headlights during the day as a safety measure, just in
case there's a sudden eclipse.

Partly true: By law, Canadian cars are equipped with daytime
running lights. The law was passed by politicians who,
pursuing the ideals of the nation's founders, are trying to
make Canada the brightest country in the world.

True or false: Canada has produced one of the world's best
female singers.

True: Celine Dion, who performs regularly in Las Vegas, will
even tell you her name: Alanis Morissette.

Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com