ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
For the past few weeks I have been helping some friends of
mine put together a really great website of humourists. The
website focuses on our efforts to get these humourists names
out there ...some of them will be familiar to you as I run their
articles in my ezine ...but others will be unfamiliar so you may
find a new favourite. The website is still expanding as we add
new pages almost every day ...so please stop by:
<a href=" http://www.thenetwits.org
">The Netwits</a>
http://www.thenetwits.org
Last weekend I went to see my favourite football team (The
Winnipeg Blue Bombers) play live for the first time in about
25 years ...fortunately they won this game and kicked Ottawa's
ass. Because we live about 4 hours from Winnipeg we stayed
the night in a hotel and I attempt to find a cheap but nice hotel
when I spend the night. I found a coupon for a hotel that was
offering a 50% discount on their $110 rate ... so I assumed
it would be a nice place AND it had a highly recognizable name,
which I won't mention right now because I am waiting to hear
how they will handle my complaint. Anyway ...when they first
gave me a room ...my son and I entered only to find it already
occupied ... so we returned to the front desk and was given
a new room ...which unfortnately looked like it hadn't been
cleaned in the past 20 years! Finally we got that mess fixed
up. When it came time for bed ...my son pulled back his
covers and found old blood stains on the sheets ....NOT a
pleasant sight. Needless to say we were not impressed by
the hotel and won't be returning!
On a happier note ... 6 years ago in August 1999 many of you
may remember the meltdown of my ezine ... out of that meltdown
I met some really good online buddies ... and each year we
celebrate another year together. This year has been particularly
difficult with the loss of the husband of one of our original members,
and more recently the passing of one of our original members. I
have had the opportunity to meet these people in person ...and
with all the bad you hear about the internet ...its amazing how
much good there is out there. We have laughed and cried together
... we have shared births, marriages, pain and suffering, deaths,
and just about anything else we could experience as face to face
friends ... but we are all part of something really special and because
of that ... I consider my PHT gang to be some of the best friends
I have ever had ... so to that gang (and you know who you are) ...
I wish you a Happy SIXTH Anniversary ...who knew we would still
be doing this after all this time. I love you all gang ... and hope
you feel the same way. (sniff sniff) ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: JB, Laura, Terri,
Rubin, Anni, Dave.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What language does a porcupine speak?
Spine language.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You've Got a Thing Hanging. . .
Quick, check the mirror. You've got something in your teeth.
How many people would tell you that? Not many. You could be eating lunch
with a friend and you've got a huge chunk of your entree stuck between
your front teeth, and your friend just stares at you. You think you're
wildly interesting, because she's making great eye contact and hangs on
your every word. But in reality, you're going to spend the entire day
with a huge piece of green spinach plastered to your front tooth, making
you look like Mike Tyson's prom date. And your friend will never tell
you.
Some people say that you can tell who your true friends are, because
they'll tell you if you've got a booger hanging from your nose; they
want to save you from complete embarrassment later on.
But most people I know say they never point out dangling boogers or
tooth spinach because they don't want to embarrass the other person.
That's understandable. You wouldn't want to have your carefully crafted
persona shattered by being told you have a huge chunk of barbecued rib
dangling from the corner of your mouth.
However, these non-tellers never think about the fact that you won't
discover your bodily faux pas until three hours later when you finally
get to a bathroom mirror.
Now how embarrassed are you? Not only did you sit through lunch with
your friend, but you had a department meeting, and gave a presentation
to your boss,with that booger stalactite hanging from your nostril.
Let's face it, we're not really trying to spare the other person's
feelings. We're just embarrassed ourselves. We don't want to be the one
to point at the other person, say "Err. . . you've got a. . ." and
then
wipe our hand under our nose.
However, we feel absolutely no compunction about laughing about it with
friends later -- "I mean, it was just HANGING there , flapping in and
out with every breath!" -- but we just can't bring ourselves to say,
"Dude, you've got a booger. Wipe your nose."
We need to get over ourselves. Life is not always about us (it's about
me, actually), so we shouldn't worry about the shame of saying "You've
got a. . . uhh. . ." We're actually doing the other person a favor --
the same favor we would want them to do for us.
It's the Golden Nugget Rule: Point out others' boogers as you would have
them point out boogers unto you.
Ultimately, the kind of person you are comes down to that one simple
question: are you a forthright straight shooter who tells people what
they need to hear? Or are you a shy, timid wallflower who would rather
be swarmed over by fire ants then tell your best friend of 25 years,
"Hey, your barn door is open."
I would hope you're the former, and that you'll spare a friend total
public humiliation and remind her to thoroughly wipe her nose before she
leaves the restaurant.
Of course, all of the rules fly out the window when it comes to smells
and odors. Even communication and relationship experts agree that
telling someone they smell would be the most awkward, uncomfortable
thing we could ever do. It's less awkward to tell your best friend
you're having an affair with his wife as the two of you walk out the
door for a romantic weekend.
Our smells are one of the most basic things about us -- it's our very
essence and the way our prehistoric ancestors used to identify each
other way back in the 1940s. Even in some cultures today, a person's
odor is considered part of who they are -- as distinctive as their face
and their personality. To experience a person's odor is to experience
the person.
Because odors are so primal, people never want to point out that someone
else is emitting an unpleasant one. In most cases, it's considered a
grave insult. The only exception is when a group of Guys get together
and someone shouts the inevitable, "Dude, that was gross! What died
inside you?!" immediately after an. . . explosive sound. Then, not only
are odors pointed out, they're usually celebrated.
So, don't be a fair weather friend. Look out for your friend, co-worker,
or new acquaintance and help them save face in what could be an awkward
social situation. Stand up, point dramatically at the other person, and
declare proudly: "I am your friend, and you've got a large booger
hanging from your nose!"
They'll thank you for it.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Baraboo."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Baraboo."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Baraboo."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the
woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Baraboo that are on drugs."
The bear says, " I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Click Your Heels Together And
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickheels.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clickheels.shtml
">Click Your Heels
Together And</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
now thats a fairy if i've ever seen one!
<a href=" http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/index.html ">peter
pans home page</a>
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/index.html
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while
crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his
wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der
doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor
says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a
flucky?"
"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high
anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit
by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know
what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone
had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the
best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is
absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do
for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife
decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
The average woman would rather have beauty than
brains, because the average man can see better
than he can think.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Canadian Sidewalk Plow
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sidewalkplow.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sidewalkplow.shtml ">Canadian
Sidewalk Plow</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
"Mollie, how is your grandson, the Proctologist
doing?"
"Sadie, my grandson is not a proctologist anymore. He
decided to become a dentist."
"A dentist! Why the change?"
"Sadie, let's face it. Everyone starts off with
thirty-two teeth but have you ever heard of anybody
who has more than one tuchas?"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Dear Gaylord Texan:
by Sheila Moss
I would like to thank you for making my recent trip to Dallas-Ft.
Worth to the Newspaper Columnist's convention so pleasant. I must
confess that, although I had heard that things in Texas are big,
I really had no idea exactly what to expect. Your hotel is so
large that it took me the entire first day just to find my room
in spite of the map that the desk clerk gave me. May I suggest
that in the future you also issue compasses and horses.
I was especially impressed by the atrium in the center of the
hotel, which would rival any botanical garden. The last I heard,
we still had at least one columnist who was lost in the jungle
and unaccounted for. We sent out several search parties; however,
they always came back unsuccessful. We suspect that this is partly
due to the fact that they were side-tracked at one of the watering
holes and spent more time hanging out in the hospitality suite
than actually searching.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/gaylord.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/gaylord.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
A golfer swung his club and hooked the shot over the fence
and down a road where the ball crashed through the wind-
shield of an oncoming car.
The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, whereupon
it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Racing over to the crash scene, he was relieved to find that
no one was hurt.
"Have you any idea what this is going to cost?" the angry
driver demanded.
The golfer hung his head. "Four strokes", he replied.
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Rodman Supports PETA
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rodman.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rodman.shtml ">Rodman
Supports
PETA</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young Jewish man comes home and proudly announces to
his very traditional parents that he's fallen in love
and getting married.
After his Mother's loud sobs and cries of "I'm so
happy for you!" have finally subsided, she asks: "Is
the girl Jewish?", to which the son replies:
"Well, Momma, it's not a girl at all; it's a MAN who
I'm in love with"...to which the Mother responds
without missing a heartbeat: "A Jewish man?"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Piss Me Off List
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mylist.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mylist.shtml ">Piss Me
Off List</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A nine-year-old tribal girl in eastern India has married a
stray dog as part of a ritual to ward off an "evil spell"
on her, Indian newspapers have reported. The girl promised
to "take care of the dog" The girl, Karnamoni Handsa, had
to be married quickly because she had a tooth rooted to
her upper gum, which is considered a bad omen by her
Santhal tribe in the remote village of Khanyhan, about 60
kilometres (37 miles) from Calcutta. "Members of the village
jury asked us to get her married to a dog or to face the bad
omen," the girl's father was quoted as saying by the AFP
news agency.
The tribe elders said the marriage would not affect the girl's
life, and that she would be free to marry again later and did
not need to divorce the dog. "It will not spoil her future.
We will marry her off to eligible bachelor when she grows up,"
the girl's mother told AFP. The wedding - which took place on
11 June - was attended by more than 100 guests, who danced to
the beating of drums and drank home-made liquor. "I have no
regret in marrying the dog Bacchan. I am fond of the dog who
moves around our locality," the girl told the AFP. "Bacchan
is a stray dog who survives on left-overs. I will take care
of the dog," she added. Indian newspapers reported that local
police officials had ordered an inquiry into the incident. The
Santhals - most of whom are sharecroppers - are a large tribe
living in the states of West Bengal and neighbouring Bihar
and Jharkhand.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever
since she was a child she and her father had discussed
life after death.They had agreed that whoever went first
would contact the other. They had discussed this again
just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and, a few days after the wake, the
smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there
28 years and it had never gone off before.
She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security
company that installed it. The next morning the smoke
alarm sounded again... and the reason finally dawned on
her.
She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday,
but I get it now!
Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other
side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the
security company again." And it turned off.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news.
His response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends
you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you
think he's calling from?"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
{Returning soon!]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of
the Church.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What is the difference between Medium, Rare and Well Done?
6 inches is Medium, 8 inches is Rare, and 10 inches, now
that's Well Done.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"THE DIAPER CRIME WE NEED TO SOLVE"
Police in northeast England are searching for a man who's
been approaching women late at night and asking, "Are there
any baby-changing facilities around here?" It's a question
parents ask all the time, but what concerns police is the
man's attire: He's been wearing only a diaper.
As I often warn my two daughters: "You'd better not run
around in just a diaper or the police will come after you."
The police take diaper offenses very seriously, as well they
should. The public must be protected at all costs, even if
it means hiring more officers for the DEA (Diaper
Enforcement Agency).
Diapers (or nappies) are like underwear: Exposing them to
the public is not a good idea, unless you're a teen-ager
trying to make a fashion statement.
The British man is perhaps trying to make a statement
himself. While his behavior may seem strange, it's possible
that he's just trying to draw attention to the lack of
baby-changing facilities in England and other parts of the
world, a far more serious crime than he's committed. Indeed,
parents and babies may have just found their own superhero.
Forget about Superman, here comes Diaperman! He'll get to
the bottom of every diaper crime.
Restaurants and other places may find it easy to ignore the
needs of babies, but they can't ignore Diaperman. He won't
just make them install a diaper-changing station, he'll even
break it in.
TV reporter: "I'm here at Burger King, where Diaperman is
about to break in a new diaper-changing station."
Crack!
Restaurant manager: "Hey, you were supposed to break it in.
Not break it!"
Diaperman: "I'm sorry, but you need to invest in something
stronger. It's not just babies who need their diapers
changed, you know."
As parents of two diaper-wearing girls, my wife and I would
be pleased to have Diaperman on our side. Far too often,
we've had to change the girls in the cramped space of our
car. This seemed fine to me the first time, but that was
before my wife pointed out I'd wrapped the diaper around the
gear stick. Every time I shifted gears, the baby squealed.
If it isn't the gear stick getting in the way, it's the
child safety seats. There's so little room in the car and to
make matters worse, people look at me strangely when I get
on the roof. Isn't that where you're supposed to go when
you're trying to fix a leak?
It would be easier if we could just go into a restroom at a
restaurant and use a diaper-changing station, but such
conveniences are rare, making me wonder if restaurant owners
are trying to keep families with babies away, tired of
having to put "WET FLOOR" signs everywhere.
Faced with a bulging diaper, we've had to ponder various
options:
---Changing the baby on a table or chair when the waitress
isn't looking. This might work well, but what if there's a
smell? What if other customers want what we're having?
---Changing the baby on the floor of a restroom. This might
work well, but we'd then have to give the baby a bath in the
sink -- and that would mean another diaper change. It's a
vicious cycle.
---Changing the baby on the front counter of a bank. This
might work well, but we'd probably need to open an account
there.
Bank teller: "Can I help you make a deposit or withdrawal
today?"
Me: "Well, my daughter has just made a deposit, so perhaps
you can help me with the withdrawal."
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com