ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
It was my wife's birthday this past weekend ... I won't say how
old she is but if you have an eleven year old child ...then she
is exactly 4 times his age. ;) Well for her birthday we did
something that we have never done before ...took a trip on a
small pontoon boat with 6 of our friends. The 2 hour cruise -
not unlike the famous Gilligan's Island cruise - was a lot of
fun and very interesting. We toured around the lake and
saw some beautiful scenery and had a couple of drinks
with friends. We had planned on swimming in the middle
of the lake ...but it was just a touch chilly on Sunday and
I just didn't feel like taking the plunge ...maybe next year.
If you are interesting in seeing more about cruising and
the boat ... the you can check out:
<a href=" http://www.bergisland.com
">Berg Island</a>
Also this past weekend I watch "Hitch-hikers Guide To
The Galaxy" and I can honestly tell you that it was the
worst movie I have ever seen! I read the books back in
the mid-80s and am currently re-reading them and have
always loved the whole concept. But the movie was just
done poorly. It lacked the humour and wit of the books
and I am sure that Douglas Adams is twisting around
in agony in his grave right now! AVOID this movie at all
costs ... it is terrible ... believe the critics on this one!
Don't forget ... there is still time to enter this months
contest ...someone WILL win a $20.00 Amazon.com
gift certificate.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Jack, Rubin, JB,
Terri, Donald, Sherri, Charlie, Ron.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why didn't they play cards on the ark?
Because Noah was sitting on the deck.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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to at least ONE ezine and your name will be entered into a draw for
a $20.00 Amazon.com gift certificate. One entry will be made for
every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
into the contest when you use the link below.
Contest closes August 31st 2005.**
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
How Does He Feel About Stunt Doubles?
Erik is out of the office this week, but he had a wild hair about how
writers aren't respected or appreciated, so we are republishing this
column from 2001.
Although I know people have differing views on writers and our so-called
contribution to society, I try to stay out of the fray, except to say
that people who don't like writers are mouth-breathing goobers who watch
too much pro wrestling. Other than that, I have no opinion.
But all that changed thanks to an April 20, 2001 opinion column in the
online edition of The (Toronto) Globe and Mail.
In an editorial whine-fest about the pending Hollywood strike by the
Writers Guild of America, columnist Doug Saunders had a hissy-fit over
the idea that writers think they're the creators of Hollywood movies.
Saunders says that instead of the writers, it's the directors,
producers, actors, and possibly even the guy who gets the little bran
muffins for the actors, who actually create movies.
To Saunders, writers are just the people who crank out a bunch of words
so the actors have something to do while they're prancing about in front
of the camera.
I have a couple of words for Saunders, but they're not repeatable,
unless you're in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
The big complaint by the WGA is that writers are basically the gum on
everyone else's shoe when it comes to movie making. They're allowed on
the set for one or two days, they don't get any recognition, there's
only one Oscar given out for screenplays, and most moviegoers don't even
realize a writer created the film in the first place.
TV writers on the other hand, are the cat's meow when it comes to show
creation. In TV Land, the writers are the ones who wield the true power,
like "The Practice" creator David E. Kelly, or
gold-and-jewel-encrusted
Michael Crichton who created "ER."
So as the contract talks enter the final stretch, the movie writers are
feeling like the kids who were picked last for kickball, and are
threatening to strike on May 1st. Their issues? Movies should no longer
have "A movie by. . ." or "A so-and-so film," with the
producers name
filling in the blanks.
Because, the writers say, we're the ones who came up with the movie in
the first place, not the director or the producer. They also want access
to the set, they want to be interviewed, and they want to go to the
premieres. After all, if it wasn't for them, there wouldn't be a movie,
right? Well, mostly.
I'll admit that the producers and directors play a huge part in getting
a movie created, and if it weren't for the actors, we'd have nothing to
watch. But Saunders -- a writer -- seems to forget that if it weren't
for the writers, the producers and directors wouldn't have anyone to
call on their cell phones. And movies would be nothing more than people
milling aimlessly about, mumbling inanities because they only dialogue
they could come up with would be too lame for a porn flick.
Actor #1: Hey.
Actor #2: Uh, hey.
Actor #1: So, uh, how's it goin'?
Actor #2: Oh, not so bad. Uh, what are you doing?
Actor #1: Oh just stuff. I thought I'd head to the Taco Locker for, uh,
lunch.
Even with Tom Hanks and a volleyball, this would STILL make for a crappy
movie.
Saunders offers the lame argument that since movies are mostly visual,
the dialogue is almost unnecessary, and that's why writers aren't so
important. That may be true if you watch Jackie Chan movies, but it
takes someone smarter than a run-of-the-mill Canadian columnist to churn
out something more complex than "Jackie kicks a guy in the privates."
In an effort to throw the writers a bone, Saunders does reluctantly
agree that writers play a slightly important part in the creative
process. After all, he says, "no film would exist if some writer,
somewhere, hadn't scratched out a few pages of words."
A few pages of words? Is that like saying Moby Dick is just a big fish?
Are Minnesota winters just a little chilly? A typical movie script is
close to 120 pages of dialogue, actor directions, and even scene
background. It's NOT "Jackie kicks a guy in the privates."
It boils down to this: the actors need the writers more than the writers
need the actors. If the actors didn't have writers, there would be a lot
more movies like "Mission Impossible 2." But if the writers didn't
have
actors, we'd have. . . books.
If writers really aren't that important because they don't do anything
more than scratch out a few pages of words, then why does everyone go
ga-ga over writers like William Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, or
Samuel Beckett? If they're "just" writers, then why are these men
considered some of the greatest playwrights in history? Why isn't Irving
Hassenfeffer considered a big Hollywood player after his 1976 appearance
as Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman at the Grand Dakotan Dinner
Theatre in Pierre, South Dakota?
Why? It's because if it weren't for the writers like Arthur Miller,
Irving Hassenfeffer would have been reduced to sitting on the stage,
reading the week's hog report for two truckers, a waitress, and his
mother.
After reading Saunders' misguided diatribe on a writer's actual
contribution to Tinseltown, I would humbly ask that he "scratch out"
a
few more columns on any topic he would wish to name. I'm trying to
housetrain my dog, and his contribution to my efforts will be duly
noted.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The Importance of Proof Reading.....
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you're one of hundreds of parachuting
enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make
the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip
code" should have read "pull rip cord."
It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is "T-shirt
Appreciation Day". In fact, it's actually "Teacher Appreciation
Day".
There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which
stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at "crap shooting".
It should have been "trap shooting".
There are two important corrections to the information in the
update on our Deep Relaxation professional development
program. First, the program will include "meditation", not
"medication". Second, it is "experiential", not
"experimental".
In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight
Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is
"Dewey". It is another firefighter who's nicknamed
"Weirdo".
We apologize for our mistake.
Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar
Hoffnagle is a "defective" on the police force. This was a
typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a "detective"
on the police farce.
In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler
Corporation as Lee "Iacoocoo". His real name is Lee
"Iacacca". The Gazette regrets the terror.
Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed
sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that
typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number
of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's
Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for
"2" (two), not "21",jalapeno peppers.
The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton,
which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was
a mistake which we wish to correct.
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge
that you'll grow out of it."
-Doris Day (American singer)
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Oklahoma State Quarter
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oklahomasq.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oklahomasq.shtml
">Oklahoma State
Quarter</a>
Snowman For Sale
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snow4sale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snow4sale.shtml
">Snowman For
Sale</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
ever want to ask al gore a question? now is your chance!
<a href=" http://www.algorerules.com/virtual/index.htm
">virtual al gore</a>
http://www.algorerules.com/virtual/index.htm
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head.
The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did
you get that great ugly thing!"
The frog looks down and replies: "I dunno Doc, it started
out as a little wart on my ass!"
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Education Starts Early At This Preschool
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/preschool.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/preschool.shtml ">The
Education
Starts Early At This Preschool</a>
Four Of These Have To Go
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl37.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl37.shtml ">Four Of
These Have To
Go</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated
evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with
"Is this William Wagenhoss?" Not sounding anything like
my name, so I said who is calling?
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band
Powered Freezer company or something like that and then
I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he
calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get
really good pictures of the body and all the blood," then
turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he
had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line
because we had already traced this call and he would be
receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to
testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove
where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers
were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located
his position at his work place and the police were entering
the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard
the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
Mywife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had
pulled, very enjoyable.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Showboat
by Sheila Moss
It was more than we could resist. We had just been talking about how
long it had been since we had been on a riverboat and how we need to
get out and do something. Then an email came offering tickets at half
price. Kind of makes you wonder about ESP, doesn't it?
"It's Chinese acrobats," said the voice on the phone when I reserved
tickets. "And dinner is Land & Sea." Yes, I knew
that. It was in the
email.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/showboat.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/showboat.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are
going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know
everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party,
or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology
class."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Your Parents Lied
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parentslied.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parentslied.shtml
">Your Parents
Lied</a>
Awwww Come On Give Me A Kiss
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/givemeakiss.shtml
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ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
Recently I received a warning about the use of
this politically incorrect term, so please note, we
all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who
hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be
called "Towel Heads," since the item they wear
on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact,
a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer
to them as "Little Sheet Heads."
Thank you for your support and compliance on
this delicate matter.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Pics Convey The Message
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/picwords.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/picwords.shtml ">The
Pics Convey The
Message</a>
Guess The Cup Size
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cupsize.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cupsize.shtml ">Guess
The Cup
Size</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Emergency workers helped a New Hampshire man out of a difficult
situation over the weekend after a friend apparently locked a
padlock around his testicles. According to the Portsmouth Herald,
police reported that the 39-year-old man was intoxicated when
they arrived at the scene on July 30 at about 3:40 a.m. The man,
who was not identified, told them that he had the padlock around
his testicles for two weeks.
The man said that a friend put the lock on while he was drunk and
passed out. When he woke up, the friend was gone. "Never in my 13
years have I seen anything like this," Cpl. H.D. Wood told the
Herald. The man told police that he tried to remove the lock with
a hacksaw because the key had broken off in the lock. He was taken
to Exeter Hospital, where a locksmith removed the padlock. He was
treated and released, and the hospital said he had no lasting
injury. Police said that they did not know the motive for the
incident.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Things I Learnt At The Movies:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are
well within the price range of most people --whether
they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born
evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
which wire to cut. You will always choose the right
one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communications system of any invading
alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will
wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed,
everything in your bedroom will still be clearly
visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to
become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age
of 22.
8. Honest and hardworking policemen are
traditionally gunned down three days before their
retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer
to kill their archenemies using complicated
machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly
gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that
reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the
waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided
there is someone in the control tower to talk you
down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing someone
a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German
or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. A German or Russian accent will
do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in
Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone
will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noise in their most
revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on the
screen but will always say: "Enter password now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readout's so you know exactly
when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are deliberately
assigned a partner who is the total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military
officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[Lost in cyberspace -- returns soon!]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Do-It-Yourself Tips For Real Men
* Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain.
Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic.
(Not recommended for basement apartments).
* Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water,
500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish
detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into
the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your
pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use
the mixture to clean up the mess.
* Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With
left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and
threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this
happens again. Break all his crayons.
* Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal
container. Place container under coat and follow offending
dog and owner home. Burn down their house.
* Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel
and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt
company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower,
rake, shovel and weed killer included.
* Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin
mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this
solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.
* Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover
directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be
inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the
backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and
brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue.
Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...
* Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he
ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DOWNSIZE YOUR HUSBAND BEFORE MOVING"
When you've lived in a home for several years, it isn't easy
to move, as I discovered recently. Not only have you
accumulated a lot of junk, you've grown quite attached to
it. So what if the old TV doesn't work anymore -- it still
serves an important purpose: covering the stain on the
carpet.
Deciding what to do with everything is a major challenge,
especially if you're a married man like me. It would have
been simpler, of course, to let my wife, Malathi, make all
the decisions. All her things would have gone into a box
labeled "collectibles." All my things would have gone into a
box labeled "Goodwill."
Goodwill, as you probably know, is a chain of thrift stores
across North America. I shop there occasionally, but I never
buy secondhand stuff, only pre-owned goods in mint
condition. Yes, my standards are high, which may explain why
Malathi would want to donate my stuff to Goodwill. She knows
it would sell well.
Goodwill receives tons of donations every day. Some of the
donors are moving like us, some are merely trying to create
a path through their homes and some are getting rid of items
in a desperate effort to find their lost children. The folks
at Goodwill sort through the donations very carefully,
keeping all the good stuff and returning anything that says,
"I want my mommy."
Our home was never so cluttered that our children went
missing, at least not for more than a week or two. Even so,
one thing was clear: We needed to downsize considerably,
otherwise we'd have to rent a moving truck the size of Sri
Lanka.
Getting my wife to downsize is like getting a 12-year-old to
stop reading Harry Potter. It might happen, but not without
an act of Congress. And even then, there'd be a lot of
kicking and screaming.
In the weeks before our move, Malathi bought several books
and other items, forcing me to spend a few minutes
explaining the meaning of the word "downsize."
Me: "Downsize means to reduce in number or size."
Malathi: "So if I got rid of you, would that be downsizing?"
Me: "Uh ... well .... those are some really good books you
bought, dear. I'm sure we can find space for them."
Malathi did eventually decide to downsize, thanks partly to
the resolution in Congress. She organized a moving sale and
was a storekeeper for a couple of weeks, dealing with
various customers, including a few who were still trying to
master English.
Customer: "We might come again tomorrow. Where is sale going
to be?"
Malathi: "Right here. Same place. Why do you ask?"
Customer: "Well, it is moving sale. I thought it is going to
move somewhere."
Malathi: "Actually, it's called a moving sale because I want
everything to move. Especially my husband's stuff."
Some of the customers insisted on bargaining with Malathi,
despite the low prices.
Customer: "How much for this fan?"
Malathi: "Two dollars."
Customer: "Hmmm ... will you take one dollar?"
Malathi: "Sure."
Customer: "Hmmm ... will you take 50 cents?"
Malathi: "Sure."
Customer: "Hmmm ... how much will you pay me to take it
away?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a writer, humorist and occasional stand-up
comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved
to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him at
comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com