ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Congratulations to Elvis J. of Madison, Wisconsin on being the
winner of July's contest. Elvis wins a $20.00 Amazon.com
gift certificate! YOU could be the next winner just by reading
today's issue!
In the News: The space shuttle Discovery made a safe landing
after an extended mission to the ISS. This could possibly be
the final flight of the shuttle as problem persist in the foam that
fell from the fuel tank. It is unfortunate because the images we
saw during the launch and mission this time were the most
amazing I have ever seen. Yes they lost seven astronauts ...
but accidents will always happen ...it is not a safe job and they
know that when they sign up. So here is a huge cheer for the
brave people that choose to explore the final frontier...and lets
hope they continue.
Also In The News: With the NHL and the players finally reaching
a contract agreement ...the game will go on this fall. But what is
most amazing is watching all the player shuffles that are happen-
ing as each team attempts to get within the $39 Million salary
cap! Your favourite players have moved to a new team and that
new team just may be the next powerhouse of the NHL. All I
can say is "Game ON!"
And finally (also in the news) ... a sad goodbye to Peter Jennings
of ABC News. Jennings was born and got his start in Canada...
but made a real name for himself in the US. At a time when
Network News was IT... he competed on the airwaves with Tom
Brokaw of NBC and Dan Rather of CBC to form the greatest
news trio of all time. With the advent of cable news ...we
will
never see anything like that again ...Jennings will be sadly
missed.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Nana, Unicorn, JB, Keli,
Terri, Dawn, Ron.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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to at least ONE ezine and your name will be entered into a draw for
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every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
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Contest closes August 31st 2005.**
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Gourmet Cooking for Guys
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
I've spent the last 12 years of my life slowly transforming myself from
a Guy (with a capital G) to a mature and responsible Man. But there are
some who believe there is no difference between a Guy and a Man:Bruce
Cameron, author of "How to Remodel a Man," Oprah Winfrey, or the
Lifetime Channel program directors.
But there are actually several important differences. Guys drive trucks,
Men drive sports cars. Guys like football, Men like yard work. Guys use
power tools, Men still have all their fingers and toes.
Since I've begun making this change, I've noticed lots of differences
between Guys and Men. And since I'm also an insufferable know-it-all,
it's my job to help other Guys make the same transition, but with
slightly less pain and suffering.
This week, I want to talk about gourmet cooking for Guys, and how you
can learn to make a gourmet meal without sacrificing your Guy-ness, or
using the word "beautiful" to describe a vegetable. I've chosen
gourmet
cooking because this is more than heating up a microwave burrito or
melting cheese on corn chips. This is real cooking with a real recipe.
First of all, remember that cooking is actually a Guy's activity,
despite the mistaken belief that it's "just women's work." I'm
actually
surprised that Guys haven't taken it over from women. After all, there
aren't a lot of other activities that have the three elements that make
it suitable for Guys: knives, fire, and melted cheese.
Today you're going to make something that can impress your friends AND
your wife or girlfriend. This is actually harder than it sounds, since
they're polar opposites on the taste and appropriateness scale. So today
we're going to learn how to cook Mexican food. True Mexican cooking is
gourmet enough to impress your wife and her snooty friends, but still
has enough beans for your friends' enjoyment a few hours later.
First, you need ground beef or chicken. I don't know what we're making
yet, but most Mexican recipes use one of these. If your wife is
concerned about your health, use chicken. If she isn't, she will be, but
in the meantime enjoy your freedom and use the beef. For this recipe,
brown a pound of ground beef in a frying pan. Avoid saying "How now
browned ground" while you cook.
Helpful Gourmet Tip #1: Use a strainer to drain the grease off the beef
when it's done cooking.
Next, you'll want 32 ounces of tomato sauce and a can of stewed
tomatoes. Dump those into a pot and put it on a low "simmer."
(Simmer:
the next-to-lowest setting on your "stove.") (Stove: That thing on
the
top of the big box that gets hot.)
Helpful Gourmet Tip #2: You can buy tomato sauce at the "grocery
store"
(that's the big place that sells microwave burritos and beer). You might
be tempted to get the cheap cans of sauce, but this is gourmet cooking.
Spend the extra twenty cents and get the good stuff.
Dump in the ground beef, and add some basil, two chopped garlic cloves,
some oregano, and a cup of red wine. Simmer this for 45 - 90 minutes.
Use the biggest sharpest knife you can find to chop the garlic cloves
into tiny pieces. It really doesn't matter what size of knife you use,
but this is Guy cooking, so go big.
Helpful Gourmet Tip #3: Use real spices, not the dried stuff in jars
that you got for Christmas 1994. Also, remember a CLOVE of garlic is the
little piece inside the HEAD of garlic. Don't confuse the two. You can
find these things at the grocery store. They're in the section with the
"vegetables."
Next, bring four cups of water to a boil and drop in 16 ounces of penne
noodles (these are the ones that look like macaroni but have the letters
"P-E-N-N-E" on the box). Let them boil until they're soft with just a
teeny tiny bit of "toothiness" (crunchiness) to them. This is also
called "al dente." Make sure the sauce is still simmering while the
noodles boil. Don't add any oil or salt to the water, and don't rinse
the noodles when they're done. This helps the sauce stick better.
When the noodles are cooked, dump them into a colander to drain the
water, and then transfer them to a big bowl. Pour in the sauce, add a
cup of shredded Parmesan cheese (use the real stuff, not the stuff that
comes in the plastic container), mix it and serve to your wife and
friends.
Then, when your guests say, "Hey, you said you were making Mexican food.
This is Italian," point out that you're a Guy. You've never stopped for
directions before, and you're not about to start now.
Bon Appetit!
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for
lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked
her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the
girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted
by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has
taken my aunt's pay! He's taken my aunt's pay!"
"OK, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig Latin and tell me
exactly what happened."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Redneck Wedding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwedding.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwedding.shtml
">Redneck
Wedding</a>
I Hope Thats A Gun In His Pocket
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pocket.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pocket.shtml ">I Hope
Thats A Gun In
His Pocket</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
watch dolly clone right before your eyes!
<a href=" http://www.yuckles.com/dolly.htm">dolly the amazing
cloned sheep</a>
http://www.yuckles.com/dolly.htm
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director
of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church. It seems the
first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on
dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director
chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the
incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving."
Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in
the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning
attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A
large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on
"The Sin of Gossiping," Would you believe the Choir Director
selected: "I Love To Tell The Story?"
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told
the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering
resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led
them in: "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week
later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was
leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A
Friend We Have In Jesus."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than
sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
I Guess I Will See You In Hell
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seeyouinhell.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seeyouinhell.shtml ">I
Guess I Will
See You In Hell</a>
Perfect License Plate For This Car
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/licenseplate.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/licenseplate.shtml
">Perfect License
Plate For This Car</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and
that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog
always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire
via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate on himself and the ground. The wet ground
would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing
and moaning.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Sweet Home, Alabamar
by Sheila Moss
I was busy reading my email, ignoring the TV, as usual, when
a story came on the 6 o'clock news that caused me to drop my
computer mouse on the floor. It seems that they are putting
up Alabama road signs in Massachusetts these days.
I couldn't believe it either, but apparently they hired a
contractor to put up highway signs with shape of the state on
them, as well as the highway number. He used the wrong shape.
Since Yankees have always been so fond of making fun of our good
ol' boys from the South, I figured that it is our turn now.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/alabama.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/alabama.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Once upon a time in old France there was a small vineyard
run by a coven of witches.
The grapes that grew there were used exclusively for the
production of raisins, and were always harvested under a
full moon to preserve the magic properties some of them
had.
The witches believed that one full moon in seven was a bad
one, and while the raisins made from grapes harvested under
a good moon were ordinary (albeit of high quality) and
mostly went to general consumption (witches have to make a
living too, you know), grapes harvested under a bad moon
would rot - with one exception: The biggest and strongest
of the grapes would survive to become the legendary:
"Bad Moon Raisin".
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Things You Can Do With A Useless Man
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useless.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useless.shtml ">Things
You Can Do
With A Useless Man</a>
Almost As Good
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/almostasgood.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/almostasgood.shtml
">Almost As
Good</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
******* WIN
FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet
Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[I would love to confirm if this is true!]
The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton.
They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several
staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office.
After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees
were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the
'down' position.
They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul
play,
and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position.
So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera
to
catch the culprit. They did. and it was more than just one.
During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the
exhibit,
got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his'
trousers and had a friend snap their photo.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Do You Really Know Who Your Kids Are Talking To In The Chatrooms
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chatrooms.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chatrooms.shtml ">Do
You Really Know
Who Your Kids Are Talking To In The Chatrooms</a>
OH MY...Cheney Is Well Hung Isn't He
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wellhung.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wellhung.shtml ">OH
MY...Cheney Is
Well Hung Isn't He</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties
made her faint with pleasure. The kinky 33-year-old housewife
was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought
from a sex ship, while she did her shopping, according to the
British tabloid The Sun. But she got so stimulated by the 6cm
vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness.
She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea,
Wales. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation
leather knikcers still buzzing. They took them off before an
ambulance too her to the hospital. The woman, who's identity
has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. And
as she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion
Pants in a plastic bag. A spokesman for the Asda supermarket
chain told the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us is
enough already."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians
who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for
(please initial all that apply)
_________a martini,
_________a margarita,
_________a beer,
__________a steak,
_________ the remote control,
__________ a bowl of ice cream,
_________ a Kalua on the rocks,
________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct
my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the
plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature
enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery.
It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn
business, and pay attention instead to the future of the
millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Witness: __________________________
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[Unavailable-returns next week!]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious
he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tare."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that
neither."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of
directions?
Lost.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"SHEDDING SOME LIGHT ON AFRICA"
In my ongoing quest to get Americans to visit the rest of
the world, I decided to answer a series of questions about
the continent I grew up in, which some people still refer to
as Darkest Africa.
Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya,
but my mother is against it, because she was watching the
National Geographic channel the other day and found out that
there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect
myself? -- Mike, New York.
Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as
your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you
know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect
yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always
carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion,
preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare
you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local
people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give
your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to
write a will.
Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe.
Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe
have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther,
Maryland.
A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is
the capital village. There's no electricity either, just
something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will
provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember
to fill it up regularly with fireflies.
Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do
they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? --
Jennifer, North Carolina.
A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You
can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach.
Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel,
but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll
probably have to shell out more.
Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but
would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in
Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.
A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree
and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're
right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the
Niagara on Viagra.
Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace
Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day,
but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do
for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.
A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain
themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing
"Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes
about any foreigner in their midst. But if they start
calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.
Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just
wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be
able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.
A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just
use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one
click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to
your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com