ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well we lost another good one over the weekend when Johnny
Carson passed away at the age of 79. Johnny OWNED late
night TV for many years and he catapulted many young stars
into the spotlight. Without Carson there would have been no
Leno, Letterman, Rosanne, Crystal, Ramano, Shandling, etc
etc etc! Carson was not afraid to make himself the butt of
his jokes as he many times included his personal problems
in his monologue. When he finally signed off the air he didn't
remain in the spotlight...instead he led a quite life of fishing
and fun. As a special tribute to Carson I have included an
article and Carson's infamous "History Of The World" bit.
Enjoy.
On a lighter note ... they have finally found Jimmy Hoffa...
he was located on Titan the moon of Saturn as the pictures
came rolling in last week. Jummy's only comment when he
was rescued from the -180c temperatures was "BRRRRRRR!"
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Barbara, Stan,
Jo, Ron, Unicorn, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
This one is REALLY FREE!
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
GOOD BYE, JOHNNY
by Dick Wolfsie
Johnny Carson is gone. It's time to remember a man who changed
the habits of a nation. This is the second time he has left us.
We'll miss him all over again.
Stars like Milton Berle, Jack Paar, and Steve Allen forged a
new medium in the '50s, but it was Carson who fully understood
TV's potential and its limits. Television was truly invented
for Johnny Carson.
He didn't create the monologue, but he fine-tuned it to such a
pitch that it was pure music. He didn’t just have the right
lyrics, he also had the perfect harmony. And when he did hit a
sour note, you didn't care. Neither did Carson. You laughed
about it together.
His comic timing was perfect and in the spirit of Carson's hero,
Jack Benny, Carson knew the value of silence, the comic effect
of a wayward look, or the cocking of the head. On the first Tonight
Show back in l962, Carson was introduced by Groucho Marx, another
great comic who knew the worth of a raised eyebrow. As I watched
clips of Carson the last two days, I was struck at how many times
his facial demeanor framed one of his classic ad-libs.
His humor was often self-deprecating, but he, like Will Rogers and
Mark Twain, could throw a political dart and have it end in a belly
laugh. His skewering of Richard Nixon during the Watergate hearings
was probably the first ongoing daily televised satire of a
developing political story. In an age before cable, Carson helped
bring this scandal to the late-night viewer.
When Carson sat with a guest, you weren't listening to an interview,
you were eavesdropping on a conversation. And you weren't the only
one listening; Carson was listeninga rare trait among talk show hosts.
Carson recognized the key to TV was to do the hard work before the show,
but make it look easy on air. When I watched Carson talk to a guest
(the famous and the not-so-famous), I realized the importance of making
the guest the star. Oh, Carson always got his share of laughs, but he
never stole the limelight; he just borrowed it for a second.
Carson could go from his comic opening monologue to an interview with
Richard Nixon or Bobby Kennedy, then back to shtick as the mystical
answer man, Carnac the Magnificent.
No one had ever made such difficult transitions before; none have done
it as well since.
There was always a mystery about Johnny Carson. While his humor
occasionally was personal, even spotlighting his three failed marriages,
he never really let the viewer inside. His world was private except for
the 90 minutes when he came out from behind the curtain. But at that
moment you were invited into his living room and most peoplein a world
before VCRs and TiVo didn't leave until the party was over 90 minutes
later.
Carson's retirement was elegant. It was final and complete. No talk show
appearances, no hawking products. He went out on top.
And it took two people to replace him.
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1941 Elzie "Buddy" Baker race-car driver
1945 Leigh Taylor-Young Washington DC, actress (Peyton Place, Alice B Toklas)
1946 Ronnie Brandon rocker (McCoys)
1946 Josephine M Verspaget sociologist/Dutch MP (PvdA)
1946 Silvio Blatter writer
1950 Michael Cotton rocker (Tubes)
1950 Gloria Naylor US author (Women of Brewster Place)
1951 Steve Prefontaine Coos Bay OR, 5K distance runner (Olympics-4th-1972)
1953 Malcolm Green rocker (Split Enz-I Got You)
1954 Condredge Holloway Alabama, CFL quarterback (Ottawa, Toronto)
1954 Richard Finch rock bassist (KC & Sunshine-That's the Way I Like It)
1956 Andy Cox Birmingham England, rock guitarist (Fine Young Cannibals-She
Drives Me Crazy)
1957 Martha Elizabeth Thomsen Moses Lake WA, playmate (May, 1980)
1957 Edmund Theodore Sylvers rocker (Sylvers)
1957 Jeff Gossett NFL punter (Oakland Raiders)
1957 Jenifer Lewis actress (Girl 6, Meteor Man, Sister Act)
1958 Dinah Manoff New York City NY, actress (Elaine-Soap, Carol-Empty Nest)
1958 Gary Brian Tibbs London, rock bassist (Adam & The Ants, Roxy
Music-Let's Stick Together)
1958 Harti Weirather Austrian alpine skier
1961 Michele Tobin Chicago IL, actress (Fitzpatricks)
1962 Chris Chelios Chicago IL, NHL defenseman (Chicago Blackhawks, Team USA)
1963 Carl Fysh rocker (Brother Beyond-Can You Keep a Secret)
1963 Joe Lloyd Highland Park IL, Canadian Tour golfer (1993 Space Coast)
1963 Suzanne Klemann Dutch singer (Los Lane-I Wanna Be)
1964 Chip Foster actor/twin of Pepper (Chip & Pepper's Surf's Up Saturday)
1964 Pepper Foster actor/twin of Chip (Chip & Pepper's Surf's Up Saturday)
1964 Bob Sweeney Concord, NHL center (New York Islanders, Calgary Flames)
1964 William Thomas Andrade Fall River MA, PGA golfer (1991 Kemper Open)
1965 Brian Holman Winfield KS, pitcher (Cincinnati Reds, Seattle Mariners)
1965 Esa Tikkanen Helsinki Finland, NHL left wing (Panthers, Canucks,
Olympics-B-98)
1966 John [Vo] Velyvis North Adams MA, rower (Olympics-1996)
1966 Mark Schlereth NFL guard (Denver Broncos-Super Bowl XXXII)
1966 Paul Ranheim St Louis MO, NHL left wing (Hartford Whalers)
1966 Pavel Torgajev Nizhnij Novgorod, NHL left wing (Calgary Flames)
1966 Richie Lewis US baseball pitcher (Florida Marlins)
1967 Mario Brunetta hockey goaltender (Team Italy 1998)
1967 Marty Calder St Catharine ON, 62 kg freestyle wrestler (Olympics-12-92,96)
1967 Randy Mckay Montral Qubec Canada, NHL right wing (New Jersey Devils)
1968 Lynette Brooky New Zealand, golfer (New Zealand Open 1993/94)
1968 Roosevelt Collins WLAF DL (Amsterdam Admirals)
1968 Tim De Leede cricketer (Holland batsman 1996 World Cup)
1969 Jesse Harte Rome GA, heavy metal vocalist (Southgang-Tainted Angel)
1969 Heidi Wolfgramm rocker (Jets)
1969 Nolan Harrison NFL defensive tackle (Oakland Raiders, Pitt Steelers)
1969 Penny Moore WNBA guard/forward (Charlotte Sting)
.....and on this day in history:
1940 Nazi decrees the establishment of Jewish ghetto in Lodz Poland
1945 Grand Rapids MI becomes 1st US city to fluoridate its water
1945 Dan Topping, Del Webb & Larry MacPhail purchase New York Yankees for
$2.8 million
1945 Japanese occupiers of Batavia arrest Indo-European youths
1945 West Africa 82nd division occupies Myohaung, Burma
1946 United Mine Workers union rejoins American Federation of Labor
1946 Richard Strauss' "Metamorphosis" premieres in Zurich
1949 1st Emmy Awards NBC's "The Necklace", Shirley Dinsdale &
Pantomime Quiz (KTLA) win
1949 1st Israeli election - Ben-Gurion's Mapai party wins
1950 73F (23C) highest temperature ever recorded in Cleveland in January
1951 UN begins counter offensive in Korea
1952 Test debut of Richie Benaud, vs West Indies at the SCG
1953 WABI TV channel 5 in Bangor ME (CBS) begins broadcasting
1953 Yuri Sergejev skates world record 500m in 40.9 seconds
1955 Jill Kinmont hits a tree & breaks her back in Snow Cup Ski Race
1955 Russia ends state of war with Germany
1955 Columbia University scientists develop an atomic clock accurate to within
one second in 300 years
1955 US & Panam sign canal treaty
1956 96.5 cm (38.0") of rainfall, Kilauea Plantation, HI (state record)
1957 FBI arrests Jack & Myra Sobel, charged with spying for the USSR
1959 1st transcontinental commercial jet flight (American) (Los Angeles to New
York for $301)
1959 Pope John XXIII proclaims 2nd Vatican council
1961 1st live, nationally televised Presidential news conference (JFK)
1961 Walt Disney's "101 Dalmations" released
1961 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Naples Pro-Am Golf Tournament
1961 Military coup in El Salvador
1964 Beatles 1st US #1, "I Want to Hold your Hand" (Cashbox)
1964 Echo 2, US communications satellite launched
1966 WCMC (now WMGM) TV channel 40 in Wildwood New Jersey (NBC) 1st broadcast
1968 Risse St in the Bronx named for Louis Risse (engineer who pioneered
underpasses at major intersections)
1968 Robert Anderson's "I Never Sang for My Father" premieres in New
York City NY
1969 US-North Vietnamese peace talks begin in Paris
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
History Of The World (in 4 minutes)
by Johnny Carson
One of the most brilliant moments on television was when Johnny
gave us the "Complete History of the World in 4 Minutes," while
two Eggo waffles were popped into a 4-minute toaster.
Wet and dark and cold and smelly,
prehistoric floating jelly.
Lightning flashes, water cloudy,
jelly walking, saying "howdy!"
Two amoebas whoopee-making,
sex is born, and so is faking.
Soon there's grass and trees and roses,
things with tails that ain't got noses.
Birdies Eatin' Worms and fishes,
Lizard chompin' on the missus.
Noah's moas, Noah's boas,
All from tiny protozoas.
Reptiles getting big and cocky,
Pterodactyl eats your doggie,
geeses, meeses, weasels, camels,
add some boobs ... hey, you got mammals!
Monkey playing on Savannah,
great-great aunt of Daryl Hannah.
Double ice-age, double whammies,
cavemen skinning bears for jammies.
Bows and arrows, quest for fire,
Neanderthal invents the tire.
Ploughs, cows, bigger brows,
all the stuff that brains allows.
Cro-Magnons' artistic itchins,
painting bisons in their kitchens.
Middle east invents the hoe,
Tutankhamen is wrapped to go.
Wall of China, fall of Troy,
Mrs. Plato, it's a boy!
Chinese guy invents the compass,
Sphinx's nose goes caddy-whumpus.
Greeks tweaks weaks noses,
discus throwers' naked poses.
birth of Buddha, birth of Rome,
Caesar shoulda stayed at home.
Alexander on the brink,
Socrates has one last drink.
Rome's flames climbs higher,
Nero playing "Light my fire."
Wise men follow eastern star,
Christmas comes but once so far.
Eclipses measured by the Mayans,
Christians gobbled up by lions.
Nobles dining, peasants whining,
Roman empire starts declining.
Tons of huns in every village,
wearing T-shirts, "Born to Pillage."
Byzantines defeat the vandals,
There's Mohammed wearing sandals.
Holy roman Empire founded,
Vikings tell the world "You're grounded!"
Raping, looting, burning, stealing,
Ain't the Army life appealing?
Leif Ericsson, Navy nominee,
Year one thousand, Anno Domini
Waiting out the storm he's lost in
Hangs a left, discovers Boston.
French invade while Brits not looking,
still can't rescue British cooking,
Four crusades and then all bets off,
Genghis Kahn is lopping heads off.
Mongol hordes are mongol hording,
stealing what they ain't affording.
Bow replaced by gun and cartridge,
lousy time to be a partridge.
Middle ages comes in stages,
Knights in armor all the rages.
Black death killing half of France,
Your legs fall off inside your pants.
Printing press an aid to learning,
Joan of Arc says, "What's that burning?"
Spanish inquisition gruesome,
stretching makes a guy a twosome
Columbus says to Ferdinand,
"Look what I found; lots more land."
Da Vinci flaunts his Renaissances,
Martin Luther takes his chaunces.
Rubens' reputation grows on
sketching babes without their clothes on.
Norse's forces plot new courses,
Henry Eighth invents divorces.
Mary Queen of Scots beheaded,
real bad way to end up deaded.
Spain's Armada turned and ran,
The Shoguns divvy up Japan.
Says King James, theologizing,
"Gee, the Bible needs revising."
Indians eye some beads and satin,
gain some jewelry, lose Manhattan.
Drake wonders where he got to,
Shakespeare writes, "To be or not to."
Galileo on the run,
thinks the earth goes round the sun;
says "It's in my telescope."
"No it isn't," says the Pope.
Noah Webster starts with "A..."
That's why you can't spell today.
Spinning Jenny used by many,
Cotton Dockers half a penny.
King George taxes tea and foodstuffs,
then goes on to really rude stuffs.
Favors labors, rattles sabers,
Paul Revere wakes up the neighbors.
Betsy stitches stars and stripes,
Jefferson declares his gripes.
Revolution, Constitution,
Franklin risks electrocution.
Pasteur dreams a nifty cure up,
Bonaparte is creaming Europe.
"Let them eat cake" Antoinette says,
"Lose the bimbo," Lafayette says.
Guillotines are record holders,
separating heads from shoulders.
James Monroe stands up and vows,
"There's a doctrine in the house."
Beethoven has golden gift,
takes a second, writes the Fifth,
Bright idea of Samuel Morse's
Lays off fifty thousand horses.
Europe fused, Swiss excused,
Queen Victoria not amused.
Dickens warrants "My next trick'll be
writing all of Nicholas Nickelby."
Karl Marx gathers flunkies,
Darwin says we're mostly monkeys.
Civil War a nation bloodies,
four years later: back to buddies.
Bell's phones ruins slumber,
Watson gets unlisted number.
Edison takes volt and amp,
tells his wife, "I fixed your lamp."
Freud perplexes both the sexes,
makes his patients nervous wreckses
1903 year of flight,
Orville barfs on Wilbur Wright.
Kaiser sore, world at war,
one-to-nothing final score,
Then when Germans feeling better,
Second game of double-header.
Frank's Yanks tanks win,
Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin
Girls swoon, Beatles tune,
Yankee golfing on the moon.
Watergate's missing tapes,
Darwin's right about the apes
"Read my lips...no new taxes."
Lincoln spinning on his axis.
That's our history, mighty terse,
If you don't like it... you got a verse?
At that point, the waffles shot out of the toaster, Johnny caught them,
put them on a plate, added syrup and that was that. All in 4 minutes.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
The Silver Dynamo
by Sheila Moss
There are many things in life that are not favorite activities. I
had to do one of the things I despise most last week buy a car.
It seems as if we just went through this process not too long ago.
I couldn't believe I had to do it again.
I dislike car buying because you are expected to barter over
prices. Do you ever go into a department store and offer to give
them $50 for a $70 dress, or to a grocery store and offer the
checkout person less than the total on the cash register?
Because I hate spending a whole day playing the car-buying game
that I know I can't win, I've lately been going to a dealership
that sells used rental cars that have been retired from the
fleet. They are only a year old, loaded with extras, and the
price is the price.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/dynamo.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/dynamo.htm
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-Jerry Seinfeld
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Bulb?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/micebulb.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/micebulb.shtml ">How
Many Mice Does
It Take To Screw In A Bulb?</a>
Barbie Is In To Hip Hop
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/barbiehiphop.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/barbiehiphop.shtml
">Barbie Is In To
Hip Hop</a>
That First Cup of Coffee Really Wakes Me Up
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coffeewakeup.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coffeewakeup.shtml
">That First Cup
of Coffee Really Wakes Me Up</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Morris asks: Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
.....You've Got Male !
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a list of over 1000 oxymorons
<a href=" http://www.oxymoronlist.com/
">oxymoron list</a>
http://www.oxymoronlist.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know.
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or
not."
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
So, when these women soldiers leave the service will we
call it a vaginal discharge?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Government at Work
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/govatwork.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/govatwork.shtml
">Government at
Work</a>
Bad Teddys
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badteddys.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badteddys.shtml ">Bad
Teddys</a>
Floridians Don't Just Worry About Hurricanes
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/flworries.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/flworries.shtml
">Floridians Don't
Just Worry About Hurricanes</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this
whole deer hunting thing, so Jim had told him all about a clean
kill, and field dressing, etc.
Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise
in the woods; he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where
he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good
friend Jim.
Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very
long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Dave,
"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him
had you just not gutted and skinned him."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
The Quint's boat in the movie 'Jaws' named the 'Orca', was
orginally a lobster boat named 'The Warlock'
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
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ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about
teenagers
parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there
are enough beer cans out there to build a car." One of the old sisters
stood up and said, "Amen brother, and enough rubbers to put tires on
it."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Rhino Threesome
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rhino3some.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rhino3some.shtml
">Rhino
Threesome</a>
What Happens In The Real World
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/realworld.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/realworld.shtml ">What
Happens In The
Real World</a>
Barbie & Ken Get It On
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/barbken.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/barbken.shtml ">Barbie
& Ken Get It
On</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your
nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in
Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I
urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country, too," says the Russian. "Once, I was
on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public
restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of Course! Nobody saw it... I didn't even take my pants off."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Feud Between FedEx and UPS Continues
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fedexups.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fedexups.shtml ">The
Feud Between
FedEx and UPS Continues</a>
Overload
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/overload.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/overload.shtml
">Overload</a>
Parking Lot Love - How Romantic
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parkinglotlove.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parkinglotlove.shtml
">Parking Lot
Love - How Romantic</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Building workers in Chile became a local sensation after
accidentally staging their own naked reality show. Builders
working on an enclosed site in Santiago walked naked to and
from their showers as they thought they could not be seen.
But they were in full view of people on the opper floors of
the neighbouring Vitacura Tower and the Radisson Hotel. The
workers shower time became a popular attraction for local
women who flocked to the vantage points for the 'show' each
day. Word soon spread and TV crews and newspaper reporters
went along to watch what was dubbed 'The builders' reality
show'. Witness Ana Arriagada told Las Ultimas Noticias:
"When I saw it I blushed and laughed very hard. It was
incredibly funny to see them feeling comfortable as if they
were at home." The construction workers still had no idea
what was going on until they were alerted by their bosses
who have now provided a roof for the shower area. One of the
workers was quoted as saying: "We had no idea of what was
going on but we had no complaints!"
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for
a check up. The doctor told her she needed more
cardiovascular activity and recommended that she
engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit
embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell
my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and
told the husband that his wife needed sex three
times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on
Fridays, but on Mondays and Wednesdays I golf, so
she'll have to take the bus."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] V R O O O O O O
M [||||]
"Motorcycle sales last year jumped to their highest level since 1979
.. " (USA/1/20)
[] Along with sales of beer, tattoos, studded-leather
jackets,
crutches, titanium forehead plates ...
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first
tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a
young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy
no-good rotten
damn stinking bastard!"
"What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I
distinctly
told you only if it rained."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>
ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
Two weeks ago, my daughter, a freshman at the University of
Cincinnati, had her wallet stolen while she was participating
in an intramural basketball game. It contained her student ID,
a bank debit card, driver's license and room keys. She reported
it to the campus police, and then to her bank to cancel the
debit card. At that time, she found out that the debit card
had been used at a gas station just off campus.
Two days later, the wallet was returned, minus the debit card
and student ID card. The student ID card can also be used as a
debit card at on-campus and some selected off campus locations.
When she checked the balance on her student ID card, she found
that it had been used at an off campus pizzeria, where they
had placed an order that totalled $45.00, and then had it
delivered to their dorm.
Police also checked the video system at the gas station. They had
obligingly come inside to make a purchase, and stood directly in
front of one of the in-store surveillance cameras.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why did the nymphomaniac go to the Indian reservation?
They offered her big bucks
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
500 and still counting
by Erik Deckers
I've achieved a major milestone in a columnist's career. This column
is my 500th column. For nine years, eight months, and one week, I have
published a humor column every Thursday night. If I were a baseball player,
I would be 21st on the all-time home run leader list, behind Ken Griffey,
Jr., who has 501 - home runs, not columns. Ken Griffey, Jr. can't tell a
joke to save his life.
Of course, if I were a professional baseball player, I would be paid
to scratch myself on national television, instead of doing it at home for
free.
I first became a humor columnist back in 1994 when I met Al Nich,
the publisher of the Wakarusa Tribune, at a meeting for my county's
Democratic Party. All three of us were there, and Al was a special guest. I
asked him if he would be interested in publishing a weekly humor column for
his paper. He read over my samples, and examined them for the subtle nuances
and underlying theme of each piece. Then he looked me square in the eye and
asked, "Are you a Democrat?"
Yes, I am, I assured him.
"Great. Welcome aboard."
That was it? No discussion over finer points of column writing, no
questions about whether I had the wherewithal to be a humor columnist, or if
I could even use wherewithal correctly in a sentence?
Nope. I only had to be a Democrat. The humor - it was hoped - would
follow. And all this proved to me that only Democrats are funny. Republicans
are source material.
I cling to this belief to this day.
It was not always so easy, or so funny when I first started. Those
early days were. . . well, bad. The problem was, I didn't realize how bad.
My first columns weren't so much awful, as they were - okay, they were
awful.
I had occasion to read my early columns a year ago. My fervent hope
is that all copies of the Wakarusa Tribune from that year have been
shredded, burned, and the ashes buried at the bottom of a compost pile that
has been fired into the sun. I'll even pay for the fuel.
But, I slowly got better. I began studying the process of humor,
other humor writers, and taped several television programs, and watched them
over and over to learn any secret I could. At least that's what I told my
wife when she asked why I was watching that Victoria's Secret commercial for
the 57th time.
It may also explain the angry letter I received two years into my
writing career. "Boobs have no place in satire," the letter writer
told me.
This struck me as both odd and unfair. Dave Barry made an entire career out
of sticking his finger in his nose and writing about whatever he found, or
saying things like "'I'm not making this up' sounds like a good name for a
rock band," while I get a literary dope slap for talking about boobs?
Admittedly, they were Pamela Anderson's boobs, but I believed boobs should
be an integral part of any humorist's repertoire.
Actually, I received two letters. My second one was an emailed
finger-wagging by a reader, Constance Daley, because I used the H-word a few
times. She said I shouldn't rely on "potty words" for my humor -
words like
"boobs," I suppose - so I challenged her to do better.
She showed me though, because she published her very first book four
years later.
Nowadays, I try discourage people from writing. It's not out of
professional jealousy or pettiness so much as I just don't want anyone to be
better than me.
During my self-education, I sought out other humorists, both famous
and non-famous, to get their advice on humor writing. And some of them would
even share their secrets. I'll never forget what Garrison Keillor said when
I asked him about whether I should write about current events.
"How did you get in here?!" he said.
After I persuaded him not to call the police or shoot me - we were
at a public book signing, after all - he said I should try writing more
current events, and not worry so much about doing personal stories. This was
a great relief because there were all kinds of great things happening in the
news, and I was missing them. That, and I had a pretty boring childhood, and
had already used up the few stories I had.
It's been an interesting 500 weeks. I've written about my childhood
and my own children. Stupid lawsuits and the funniest joke in the world. US
Presidential elections and the president of Turkmenistan. I have written
about hundreds of different topics and experimented with several different
writing styles. And I've learned one very important lesson that will stay
with me for the rest of my life.
Boobs really are an integral part of humor and satire.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.