ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Today is one of those "Good News - Bad News" days and I
tried to figure out which way to go ...and I think it is best to
start with the good news.... so....
You must have seen the pictures on TV yesterday of that
Air France plane that ran off the end of the runway at Toronto's
Pearson Airport. The most amazing fact of this is that all
309 passangers and crew made it off the plane safely. The
plane burnt to almost nothing at the end of the runway and
yet aside from a few minor injuries ... everyone is okay! It
is not often that investigators have the opportunity to talk
to 309 eye witnesses from onboard the plane ...but this time
they will get that chance ...hopefully air travel will become
just a little bit safer because of it. I think a huge bouquet is
due to the flight crew and emergency personnel at Pearson
Airport for preventing what could have been a huge tragedy.
And now for the bad news ... back in 1999 when this list was
in its infancy ... through a screw up in list software over 2000
messages went through this list in the space of about an hour
and a half ... it was not a good day ...but out of that mess I
developed online friendships with a number of people and to
this day we have a small chat group that continues to pass
messages back and forth. You've seen their names pop up
in my ezines from time to time. Unfortunately one of the
founding members passed away last week. John Johnson
was someone that you just had to meet to know who he was!
He served his country in Vietnam, he was a historian and
collector and very very very proud American, but most of
all he was a southern gentleman! I had the opportunity to
meet John in Minneapolis in 2001 ... a group of our internet
buddies all got together there. John was the consummate
gentleman the whole time ...holding doors open for the
ladies, placing their chairs under them as they sat for
dinner and always looking out for their well-being! People
like John are a thing of the past ...but he kept it alive and
well. Sadly John had suffered various illnesses over the
past couple of years and we hadn't had much contact ...
but when I heard of his passing I felt the loss of a true
friend ... to quote one of my online buddies: " The world was
a better place in it because of him, and the world has lost
someone very special. " and that just about sums it up!
In his memory I dedicate this issue to the John Johnson
of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
And one more note ...the contest for July is over and a winner
will be chosen ... I didn't get the name drawn yet ...but you
will be contacted in the next little while. BUT I am going to
continue to run the contest for the month of August ...so if
you want to win a $20.00 Amazon Gift Certificate...then you
just have to read below.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, JB, Num,
Donald.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
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Contest closes August 31st 2005.**
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Confessions of a Bartender
Erik Deckers
Dear Patrons,
This letter is a little late in coming. About 12 years too late. And for
that, I apologize. In fact, I need to apologize for a lot of things.
When I was your bartender at that little bar in northern Indiana, there
were things I said and did, or things I DIDN'T say or do, that I should
apologize for.
First, I'm sorry for not being a smoker. I know that's a strange thing
to apologize for, but when you're -- literally -- the only non-smoker in
an entire building full of half-drunk smokers, you tend to make people
feel self-conscious. So I apologize if I made all 20 or 30 of you feel
uncomfortable by being concerned about my lungs and my overall health. I
also apologize for any second-hand smoke lawsuits that show up at your
house in the coming years.
I'm also sorry I called all of you a bunch of cheap, non-tipping
tightwads. A couple of you were actually quite generous. But to the rest
of you, I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that this was how I made my
living, or that I had a new family to support. I'm also sorry I didn't
try to better understand why you tipped our female bartender twice as
much as you tipped me. So when I pull my BMW into your filling station
and don't tip you for pumping my gas, I hope you'll understand.
Burt, I especially hope that you accept my apologies. You told someone
that you didn't tip me because I was a guy and you were afraid people
would think you were gay. In retrospect, signing you up for
subscriptions to "Out" and "Hot Young Men" magazines to
your workplace
was probably a little harsh. So was telling your co-workers you were
seen frequenting a well-known gay club.
Eddie, I'm sorry I yelled at you when I threw you out of the bar when
you called your mistress the "b-word." You didn't speak to me for two
weeks afterward, so obviously your feelings were hurt. At least that's
what your wife said when I explained the situation to her. The entire
situation.
For you Bud drinkers, I'm sorry I served you Bud Light when we ran out
of Budweiser one night. I'm especially sorry that I never pointed out
the switch to you, especially since you never caught the error. I also
feel very badly that I continued to serve you Bud Light to see if you
would ever catch on.
The fact that none of you did was no excuse for my continued experiment.
You asked for Bud, you paid for Bud. The fact that you couldn't tell the
difference between it and a glass of water is no reason to perpetuate a
four month hoax.
I also apologize for wanting to leave each night at 1:00 am. I know you
were having a good time, and that it was wrong of me to want to do
selfish things, like catching some sleep before I went to my substitute
teaching job the following day. I realize you had your own jobs, but if
your bosses don't mind you showing up half-drunk on three hours of
sleep, who am I to call them and tell them?
Abby, I'm sorry I called you a poor excuse of a boss behind your back
several times a day. It was uncalled for. The fact that everyone thought
you were a nagging shrew is no excuse to even think such a thing, let
alone tell anyone who would care to listen.
In addition, I'm also sorry I poured a little extra alcohol for my
favorite customers. I should never have let their friendliness and
tipping generosity influence the fact that they were getting more than
you wanted me to pour. If you tell me to short all the drinks after a
certain time of night, who am I to expect that we treat our customers
fairly? This was a frequent discussion I had with many of them, which
may have been the reason most of them started going to the bar down the
street instead. But I'm not a mind reader, so I can't actually be sure.
So, let me summarize by saying I apologize to each and every one of you.
To make it up to you, I should probably work a free shift at the bar and
buy drinks for everyone. No, really, it's Budweiser this time. Would I
lie about that?
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Morris bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his
old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying . . . "Free to good home, You want it -- you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice at it....
Eventually, Morris decided that people were too untrusting
of the deal, that it looked "too good to be true"...
So he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale -- $150".
The next day someone stole it.
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?"
-Mark Twain
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Popeye's Mom Has Been Found
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/popeyemom.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/popeyemom.shtml
">Popeye's Mom Has
Been Found</a>
Don't Know Which Is Worse - Him or His Spelling
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/prevert.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/prevert.shtml ">Don't
Know Which Is
Worse - Him or His Spelling</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
everything you ever wanted to know about spam
<a href=" http://http.cs.berkeley.edu/~ddgarcia/spam.html
">dans spam page</a>
http://http.cs.berkeley.edu/~ddgarcia/spam.html
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.
"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of
them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said
another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite.
. . . That's why they don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like
group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel,
order more tunnel.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Lawyers Are Such Ambulance Chasers
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lawyers.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lawyers.shtml ">Lawyers
Are Such
Ambulance Chasers</a>
This Is Why Swing Dancing Is Not Allowed For Nudists
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swingdance.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swingdance.shtml ">This
Is Why Swing
Dancing Is Not Allowed For Nudists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is
away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner
than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her
husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts
his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks,
"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
To the Computer Support Desk
by Sheila Moss
Last weekend started out well. Nothing to do, just a whole
weekend to relax and unwind. It would be a good time to do
some updates on my computer. My sound system has not been
working right, so I figured I'd reload it and fix it.
I fixed it all right. I should have known! I loaded the
program and restarted. Nothing! No Windows, no nothing,
just a black screen staring back at me.
The computer wheezed and the cursor winked at me. "Good
grief! What have I done?"
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/computer.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/computer.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that prom-
ises to revolutionise the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called
the "bee nut". It is a fastening attachment that allows a
player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus
saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example,
a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to
get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and
players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can
try their new "bee-nut putter sand-wedge".
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
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">Yamulke Bras</a>
Michelin Man Denies Paternity Suit
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/michelin.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/michelin.shtml
">Michelin Man Denies
Paternity Suit</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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FREE TOILET PAPER *******
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up
there
in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped
they
had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After
the
marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each
other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and
puts
them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it
against the
wall.
She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently
watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts;
she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the
nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues
to stare
in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that
Steve
is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing
and
is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw
it over
here!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Bush At Work On The Phone
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushphone.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushphone.shtml ">Bush
At Work On The
Phone</a>
Male vs Female Shopping At The Mall
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shopmalefemale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shopmalefemale.shtml
">Male vs Female
Shopping At The Mall</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
When Stephen Ross Knight and his girlfriend called police to
report a home invasion, a little housekeeping before detectives
arrived at the scene would not have been such a bad idea.
After three gun-wielding men accosted Knight in his home
and made off with his 42-inch plasma-screen television, his
wallet and cell phone, and a stash of marijuana, his girlfriend,
who found him tied up in the bedroom, called San Antonio police.
But police at the scene had a hard time concentrating on the crime
they were called to investigate. In plain sight were several bongs,
loose marijuana, a marijuana plant and an Ecstasy pill, according
to an incident report. "Just because you're a victim doesn't mean
[police] can turn a blind eye to contraband in plain view," San
Antonio police spokesperson Officer Joe Rios said. When questioned
about the robbery, Knight not only mentioned the stolen television,
wallet and cell phone, he also listed the 82 grams of "hydro"
marijuana. "Hydro" marijuana, Officer Rios explained, is a potent
form of marijuana that sells for at least $5000 per pound, compared
to $400-500 per pound for regular marijuana.
The victim-turned-suspect also told officers that the robbers missed
a marijuana plant that his girlfriend later hid in a safe. Officer
Rios said the couple consented to a search of the safe where detectives
found the plant. Knight was arrested and charged with possession of a
controlled substance. He posted the $7000 bail and was released. Rios
said detectives were still investigating the home invasion, but have
no leads in the case. The three suspects are described as Hispanic
men in their early 20s.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the fuck will that help?"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
CLEVELAND, OH----THE MCDONALD'S RESTAURANT IN THE FOOD COURT AT THE
CLEVELAND CLINIC NOW OFFERS VEGGIE BURGERS AND CARROT STICKS ALONG WITH
THEIR REGULAR MENU. (Associated Press 7/23)
And patients recovering from open heart bypass surgery may order
beverages delivered in the new "Mc IV."
ROANOKE, VA----AFTER ONLY A WEEK, WAL-MART HAS DISCONTINUED ITS
FRIDAY-EVENING "SINGLES SHOPPING" WHICH SET UP "FLIRT
POINTS" IN VARIOUS
SECTIONS OF THE STORE. (Associated Press 7/24)
Seems there was just too much product-testing going on in the "Bed 'N'
Bath" department.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his penis
that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put
on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally
mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the
maternity unit."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"BEATING THE PANTS OFF THE OPPOSITE SEX"
As a father of two girls, I'm thrilled that women's sports
are growing in popularity. I enjoy watching women's tennis
more than men's and, in case you're wondering, it has
nothing to do with the short skirts. I'd feel the same way
even if Roger Federer shaved his legs and slipped into a
mini.
I'm glad my daughters will grow up watching some great
female athletes on TV and perhaps be inspired to push
themselves athletically. My oldest, Lekha, is only three and
her biggest athletic accomplishment so far is falling out of
bed. She isn't yet strong enough to swing a racket, though
she's highly skilled at making one.
I hope my daughters will see men and women competing against
each other more often. We've already had a taste of it,
thanks to racecar driver Danica Patrick, golfer Michelle
Wie, and track and field athlete Samukeliso Sithole. Patrick
and Wie have performed impressively against men, gaining
praise from most observers, while Sithole won a handful of
medals against the opposite sex, though for some strange
reason nobody is raving about his accomplishment. The man
outperformed a group of female athletes and The New York
Times didn't put him on the front page. What's a guy to do?
Sithole posed as a woman and represented Zimbabwe
in a couple of international meets, looking like the next
Jackie Joyner-Kersee, but with a far less alluring smile.
I'm not sure how the authorities discovered Sithole was a
man, but perhaps it was all that biceps-flexing on the medal
stand. Or maybe they grew suspicious when they saw that
upraised toilet seat. Or perhaps it was an alert customs
officer who spotted a clue, wondering what was being
smuggled under that skirt.
Customs agent: "Excuse me, madam, did you store a package
there?"
Sithole: "Oh, don't worry about that. That's where I hide my
medals. Too many thieves around."
However the truth came out, Sithole was soon facing serious
charges, not just for impersonating a woman, but also for
watching a female athlete undress in his presence. As
reported by Reuters, a court in central Zimbabwe sentenced
him to four years in prison. But there's a bright ending to
this story: Sithole's new cellmates are showing far more
appreciation than the outside world for his
female-impersonation skills. And he's getting to do a lot
more running.
Unlike Sithole, Patrick and Wie don't have to disguise
themselves to compete against the opposite sex, partly
because it's widely believed that women possess no special
advantage over men in sports, never mind that it takes only
a twitch of a pretty eye to distract a man. One moment he's
in the lead at the Indianapolis 500, the next moment he's
crashing into the wall.
My wife argues that women are better than men in some
aspects of sports. It's also worth remembering that most
sports were invented by men and suited to their strengths.
Football, for example, is ideal for men because, as any
woman who's been to a bar knows, men are good at making
passes.
If women had invented sports, the rules would be quite
different:
Basketball: You'd still be required to shoot for a basket,
but before you can do so, you'd have to weave it.
Golf: You'd still have to putt the ball yourself, but you'd
be allowed to get a man to do the driving for you, so you
can sit beside him and criticize him.
Soccer: The field would be the same length, but instead of
having a goalkeeper at each end, you'd have a storekeeper.
If you kick the ball past her, you can spend a few minutes
shopping for shoes. The team with the most shoes wins.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com