ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
So yesterday morning after 29 months ... the space shuttle
Discovery had a very successful and beautiful launch. It was
amazing to see the images from the new cameras that have
been installed on the shuttle. Seeing the fuel tank break
away from the shuttle was one of the most beautiful images
I have ever seen ...the blue earth below and the black space
above with just the two man-made objects visible. It shows
how small we really are compared to everything else around.
Now we all know that shuttle flights are always going to be
dangerous and there will be more lives lost in accidents ...
we've been flying planes for over 100 yrs and they still
crash ... so it is a given that the space program cannot
continue without lives being lost ... but lets all hope that
NASA can have a good long successful run without any
major incidents as they continue towards a return to The
Moon, Mars and beyond.
I am guessing that many of you forgot about the contest I
am running ...you only have until this Sunday to enter ...
the contest details are in today's issue ...enter often ...
someone WILL win a prize and it will be announced in
the next issue.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Amy, JB, Nana,
Barbara, Carole, Gerry.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
I once made love for an hour and five minutes.
It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
What About 'Idea Faucets?'
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
All thinking must stop! At least in Ireland.
According to a story in the London Observer, the Department of
Enterprise, Trade, and Investment in Belfast, Ireland will no longer
allow "brainstorming," at least not by that name.
"It may be deemed pejorative," said a DETI spokeswoman.
Apparently, the DETI believes that the term "brainstorm" might be
offensive to people with brain disorders like epilepsy or DETI syndrome.
That's an affliction that causes government officials and Political
Correctness wonks to come up with half-witted ideas about what MIGHT be
considered offensive, without actually asking anyone if it truly IS
offensive.
Why else would the DETI order employees to use the term "thought
shower"
instead?
But, as much as I would love to fight one more PC fight, I just can't.
I'm giving up. I've battled against Political Correctness ever since it
raised its ugly head on American college campuses back in the early
'90s. Now the idea has spread around the world like a pandemic, and
those PC wieners are all grown up and running Departments of Enterprise,
Trade, and Investment everywhere.
There's nothing I can do but lay down and die, or worse, join the cause.
You know, play with a winning team for once. Switch sides and see if I
can improve my luck. So, with the banner for my new cause unfurled,
let's examine this story once more, only with the enthusiasm of a brand
new Politically Correct convert.
(Well, for starters, I can't say "convert," since that has religious
overtones, and we don't want to imply that Political Correctness is a
religion.)
So let's start with the term "thought shower." While I can appreciate
how "brainstorm" might possibly offend people with a brain disorder,
I
don't think my new teammates though about how pejorative the term
"thought shower" could be to people who can't or don't take showers.
How
about people with no running water? Or people with skin conditions? Or
the French?
Or what about people whose thoughts only come out in a trickle? Little
attention seems to have been paid to people with low IQs, or people who
chose careers in government bureaucracies. They probably haven't had a
shower of thoughts in years. So calling it a "shower" instead of a
"release of ideas" may be pejorative to people who are stupid or
bureaucrats.
And what about "spokeswoman?" Sure, it's gender-specific, and it
shows
that a woman is just as capable as a man of doing the job. Some die-hard
feminists might be upset that "woman" is spelled with an 'a' instead
of
a 'y,' at least the attempt has been made to be inclusive.
But it's the term "spokes" that bothers me, the new PC crusader. It
implies that only people who can actually talk are capable of doing the
job. So anyone who communicates through sign language is automatically
excluded. The same is true if you can only use written communication,
semaphors, or a series of grunts, clicks, and whistles.
It also "may be deemed pejorative" by people who can't afford
bicycles,
or can't ride them, or are afraid of them. The car industry "may be"
having a royal fit over the term "spokes" and the implication that
cars
are now excluded from government-speak.
"Why not 'axlewoman'?" they "may be" wailing to each other,
enraged by
the insensitivity of the entire situation. Apparently, the Department of
Enterprise, Trade, and Investment is not as Politically Correct as we
originally thought.
Don't get me started on the name of the department either.
"Why not the Department of Millennium Falcon, Trade, and
Investment?!"
Star Trek fans "may be" shrieking from their parents' basements
everywhere. "This is an outrage! It's offensive to those of us who favor
the Star Wars universe over a universe based on a mere television
program."
Of course, some could argue that this line of thinking could upen up a
whole new can of worms for fans of shows like Babylon Five, Stargate:
SG-1, or Knight Rider.
Boy, all the PC hypersensitivity has me worn out. And now that I've
tried it out, I don't like who I've become. In a mere 505 words, I've
gone from being an anti-PC crusader to its poster boy (excuse me, poster
enthusiast). I've gone from making fun of Politcal Correctness to being
one of its staunchest supporters who would never even think about making
a single snide remark about it or its wieners (excuse me, advocates).
So I'll rejoin the Common Sense Brigade and continue to do battle
against Political Correctness gone amok, making sure that no one goes
overboard with their hypersensitivity to non-issues.
Now, about this "brainstorming" thing. . .
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He
wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car
so she could zip through traffic around town. He would
probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday
is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that
is not the
reason we are doing it."
-Richard Feynman
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Middle East Parking Lot
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/camelpark.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/camelpark.shtml
">Middle East Parking
Lot</a>
Redneck Dental Care
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckdental.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckdental.shtml
">Redneck Dental
Care</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a list of 2000 names to call your cat
<a href=" http://petrix.com/catnames/
">2000 cat names</a>
http://petrix.com/catnames/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
have been size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor
started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes
later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I
promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
If it"s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Ladies, Isn't That A Cute Puppy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cutepuppy.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cutepuppy.shtml
">Ladies, Isn't That
A Cute Puppy</a>
Ancient Writing Translated
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ancient.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ancient.shtml ">Ancient
Writing
Translated</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me
it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The
long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so
I could spend weekends with her, and the advice her used to
give!
Much was wasted because I was so young. If she were alive today
and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers
enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd
find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small
hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
And she answered, "Makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Born Yesterday
by Sheila Moss
I was born yesterday, fell off a turnip truck, and am not
playing with a full deck. .
I don't have a SPAM filter or know how to block an email address
and I read all my email, especially the ones offering drugs, sex,
and online poker. I believe every word I read. They couldn't say
it if it wasn't true!
I use my real name on chatboards, and register online with my
actual date of birth. I shop online and don't worry about
insecure servers or someone stealing my credit card number. I
don't bother checking my credit card bill either. I just pay the
minimum payment and don't worry about it. That's how I became a
lifetime member of the NRA.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/fraud.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/fraud.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown
it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to
teach it about rectanguar coordinates and it couldn't under-
stand them. All the horse's aquaintences and friends tried
to figure out what was the matter and couldn't.
Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked
at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why,
you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
If Dads Raised The Kids
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
"Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly
hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Gas Problem
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gasproblem.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gasproblem.shtml ">Gas
Problem</a>
Why This Smiley Smiles
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askme.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askme.shtml ">Why This
Smiley
Smiles</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Chilean radio show found a new school for a teenage boy after
he was expelled because of one of their pranks. Jarred Carrasco,
14, rang radio show Mala Influenca while he was waiting to see
the principal at Los Almendros School. Presenter Victor Aranda
told him to scream out loud that his maths teacher was talking
'shit' and the boy complied, Las Ultimas Noticias reports. The
principal promptly arrived to tell Jarred that the show was
being broadcast on the school's radio and the whole school had
heard what he said. Later that day, Jarred called the radio
station again and told the show's producer that he had been
expelled. Mala Influence immediately launched a campaign to
find the boy a new school and he was admitted to Cardenal
Antonio Samore School within hours.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing
who can
tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your
age, I
never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
NIAGARA FALLS, NY----THE FIRST CANADIAN CATTLE ENTERED THE USA AFTER BAN
CAUSED BY MAD COW DISEASE IS LIFTED. (USA/7/20)
Three Canadians and two Americans suffered cuts and bruises as revelers
resumed their annual pre-Lenten "Running of the Holsteins."
HOLLYWOOD----THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS REPORTS THAT MICHAEL JACKSON HAS
CONSIDERED HAVING HIS BODY FROZEN. (PHIL INQUIRER/7/17)
Not to preserve it. He wants to sell as a kid-friendly confection
called "Pedo-Pops."
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel.
As they are about to make love, the male duck says,
"We don't have any condoms. I'll call room service."
The receptionist answers and says, ''OK sir, would you
like to put them on your bill?''
"No," he says, "I would suffocate!"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
At a stag party, the conversation turned to whether women dressed to
please men or to please other women. Most of the guys agreed that
women dressed to please men. But one ended the discussion when he
said:
"Women don't have to dress to please me!"
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"INDIAN ENGLISH: IT VILL BE WERY HELPFUL, YAAR!"
It is the year 2020 and call centers are opening all over
the West, as the new economic power India outsources work to
the countries where many jobs originated. Millions of
Americans, still struggling to adapt to a global economy,
are willing to accept jobs that pay them in a new currency
sweeping much of the world: EuRupees.
Some of them, eager to land one of the customer service jobs
from India, are attending special training sessions in New
York City, led by language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes
by a simpler name for his Indian clients: Devendra
Ramaswaminathan.
On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching three
ambitious students how to communicate with Indian customers.
Professor: "Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need to
give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you'll be known to
your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane,
you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you just received a call
from Delhi. What do you say?"
Gary: "Name as tea?"
Professor: "I think you mean 'namaste.' Very good. But what
do you say after that?"
Gary: "How can I help you?"
Professor: "You're on the right track. Anyone else?"
Jane: "How can I be helping you?"
Professor: "Good try! You're using the correct tense, but
it's not quite right. Anyone else?"
Randy: "How I can be helping you?"
Professor: "Wonderful! Word order is very important. Okay,
let's try some small talk. Give me a comment that would help
you make a connection with your Indian customers."
Randy: "It's really hot, isn't it?"
Professor: "The heat is always a good topic, but you haven't
phrased it correctly. Try again."
Randy: "It's deadly hot, isn't it?"
Professor: "That's better. But your tag question can be
greatly improved."
Randy: "It's deadly hot, no?"
Professor: "Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of
almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?"
Jane: "Yes, we are understanding you, no?"
Professor (smiles): "We may need to review this later. But
let's move on to other things. Have you ever heard Indians
use the word 'yaar'?"
Randy: "Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time. Just
last night, one of them said to me, 'Randy, give me yaar
password. I am needing it to fix yaar computer."
Professor (laughs): "That's a different 'yaar,' yaar. The
'yaar' that I'm talking about means friend or buddy. You can
use it if you've developed a camaraderie with a customer.
For example, you can say, 'Come on, yaar. I am offering you
the best deal.' Do you understand, Jagadamba?"
Jane: "Yaar, I do."
Professor (smiles): "Okay, let's talk about accents. If your
client says 'I yam wery vorried about vat I bought for my
vife,' how would you respond?"
Randy: "Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be wery
happy and vill give you a vild time tonight."
Professor: "Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a bright
future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you
haven't said anything in a while. Do you have any questions
about what we've just learned?"
Gary: "Yes, Professor, I do have one question: Wouldn't it
be simpler to learn to speak Hindi?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com