ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
This issue is a rerun from April 8th 2003.  I woke up this morning
feeling just a little bit under the weather ...so instead of skipping
this issue ...I bring you a classic (ad-free) issue from the past.

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Pat, Rubin, Di Ann,
Nana, Keli, Colorado Kid, DA Funk, Greg.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

What is the definition of "Endless Love."

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

After several disastrous attempts to synchronize
his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action
effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to
hear about a new product called Now!-Agra.  Each pill
came with strict instructions; 'To be taken only
immediately before sex'.

So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for
some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by
six that evening.  Whilst he was finishing his day's
work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath,
listened to her favourite records, and was truly
relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.

When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed
off, and by nine she was beginning to worry...

Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking
absolutely shattered.

"What happened?"

"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the
Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the
garage.  I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any
difference so I said yes.  Then I took out the pill,
and somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I
ought to give it time to 'kick in'.  So I took it there
and then..."

"And..."

"And I've only just managed to get out from under
the steering wheel..."


Top Ten Reasons Why Canada will not join USA in the
War on Iraq

10. We have no way of getting there.

9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.

8.  Iraqs don't drink Labatts beer.

7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "Mad Ass". We'll
stay away from him.

6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian
Bacon in Iraq after the war.

5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.

4. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a
contract in Las Vegas

3. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.

2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year

1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm
in Toronto.

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

We all have our crosses to bear
By John Martin

When our son Jack, 4, went to his school chapel for the first
time, he came away fascinated with the Easter story.

"We saw pictures of Jesus," he told me in the car on the way
home. "Did you know he was nailed to the cross?"

Yes, I said. It was not a very nice thing to do to him, was
it?

"No, it's very sad," said Jack, his voice full of awe and
reverence. "I wish he was still here."

More....?

<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/cross.html ">John Martin</a>
http://johnmartin.actweb.net/cross.html

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"Sylvester Stallone has signed on for another Rocky movie,
"Rocky 6."  In this one, he's fighting glaucoma."
-Jay Leno

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After
answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a
homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a
man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

see the black hole of niftyness

<a href="http://udel.edu/~jgephart/blackhol.htm">black whole of niftyness</a>
http://udel.edu/~jgephart/blackhol.htm

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The Top 13 Things That Suck About Being Saddam's Body Double

13 There go your chances of ever being on "American Idol."
12 Telltale pork rind crumbs always get trapped in that
    mustache.
11 Saddam #18 never rinses out the mustache after he's done
    with it.
10 You're the one who always gets stuck signing autographed
    pictures for Michael Moore and Sean Penn.
9 You only get to sleep with wives #201 and higher.
8 Because he thinks your wave on TV was effeminate, "Your
    kittens must die!"
7 Your lucrative Iraqi Elvis impersonation career has been put
    on indefinite hold.
6 Saddam insists you stay every night and practice the mirror
    routine from "Duck Soup" with him.
5 You have to kiss Chirac on the lips whenever he's in town.
4 You're always getting into scuffles with your neighbor,
    the George W. Bush body double.
3 Sure, you look like him.  Yes, you've got the mustache.
    But, for crying out loud, you're his *mother*!
2 The demand for accuracy requires penis-reduction surgery.
1 Your brother, who looks just like Hugh Hefner, keeps sending
    you Ramadan cards from the Playboy mansion.

www.topfive.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic]

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage
cans. Then she hears a car door slam, some cussing, then the
garage door opens and slams.

Suddenly more crashing and clattering and cussing, then John comes
into the house with his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

"What's the matter, Dear, you have a bad day on the golf course?"
asked Mary.

"Yeah, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I only
hit two balls solidly all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I
hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

ӿ--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ

Why the phuck does "phonics" start with P H ?

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A drunk went into a telephone booth
and dialed at random..

"Salvation Army" came the answer.

"What do you do?"asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came
the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for
Saturday night."

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about
electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux
reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor
plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was
told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To
help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind
act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Greg and Tanya had been high school
sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married,"
she told him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally
the big day rolls around. On their wedding night,
Tanya comes out of the  bathroom,  and says,
"I have some bad news. I have my period,
and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"

Greg says, "You're kidding!"

Tanya replies, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Tanya goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am
to get a drink.  On her way back to bed, she notices
Greg wide awake staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use Greg," she said, "You might as
well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not
enough skin left to close my eyes!" he retorted.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery
and it was levelled. All fifty brothers were transported to
heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the
entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you
have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

Human sperm become excited when exposed to the scent of lily
of the valley, according to new scientific research.

Hans Hatt, a biology professor at Ruhr University in Bochum,
says sperm double their speed and home in on the aroma.

"This is the first time sperm has been shown to respond to
smell," said Prof Hatt.

His findings followed three years of study and are published
in the journal Science.

He said receptors in the sperm's membranes are attracted to two
chemical compounds, cyclamal and bourgeonal, which are used in
the cosmetics industry to imitate the plant's smell.

Prof Hatt believes the work could enable researchers to devise
new contraception methods or ways to boost fertility.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Limericks:

There lived a saintly girl from Sleepy Hollow
Who entertained the numerous men of the Wallow
When asked by Ichabod Crane:
Have you a place I might drain?
No Thanks, she replied "I don't Swallow."

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks
Made of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then

There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
Your not wiping as good as you used to!

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]       F R I A R S    T I C K E D        [||||]

The Indiana based order  --  Province of Our Lady of Consolation
Conventual Franciscan Friars  --  filed the legal action [against the
diocese] as a cross complaint to a [sex abuse] lawsuit brought against
it in June."     (LAT/4/5)

The papers were immediately turned over to the bishop's law firm Fondle,
Grope, Hidem & Stonewall.

Copyright 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather
stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told
before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave
him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and
said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked
my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked
me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to
stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table.
The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it
wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

A shopper's lost wallet was returned Friday evening at
Wal-Mart. But the $500 inside was not, a Pasco County
sheriff's report said.

Authorities arrested Erica Leigh Bonilla, the woman who had
turned in the empty wallet. Wal-Mart security cameras show
Bonilla removing cash from the wallet before turning it in,
reports said.

After she was arrested, Bonilla told deputies that she took
$360 from the wallet and had already spent the money, reports
said. But the person who owned the wallet said $500 was
missing, the report said.

Bonilla was charged with grand theft and remains at the county
jail in Land O'Lakes in lieu of $5,000 bail.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet?

A black guy with a gun, a Puerto Rican with a knife, and a
gay man with a chipped tooth.

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Propaganda Practices In Persian P... Gulf
Erik Deckers

While the war rages on in Iraq, one segment of the battle isn't being
fought with guns and bombs, but with words.

The US "psy-ops" division (that's military talk for "Propaganda Posse")
is doing battle with the Iraqi intelligence agency to win the hearts and
minds of the Iraqi people.

And although President Nixon's former advisor, Chuck Colson, had his own
method of winning "hearts and minds" (visit humorcolumnists.com to learn
what that was), the US military uses specially-converted US Air Force
cargo planes to transmit their own brand of propaganda: announcements to
Iraqi soldiers and citizens, urging them not to fight and telling them
how to surrender. They are also broadcasting a combination of Arabic and
Western music, including Sheryl Crow and Celine Dion over American
air-dropped radios tuned to the propaganda frequency.

"If playing Celine Dion every day for hours doesn't get them to throw
down their weapons, then we'll have to take drastic action," said one US
intelligence official of Operation: Dear Lord Make It Stop. "We'll
broadcast a cruel combination of Barry Manilow and Ricky Martin."

Surprisingly, many anti-war protesters and pro-war advocates find
themselves in total agreement over this potential human rights
violation.

"Barry Manilow? That's harsh, man," exclaimed war protester Mike Jasper.

"Yeah, what's next, parachuting Anna Nicole Smith into the center of
Baghdad?" asked retired US Army colonel, Martin Beckerman, giving Jasper
a high-five.

US psy-ops aircraft (that's military talk for "Propaganda Planes") have
also dropped leaflets over Iraq with the pictures and descriptions of
surrender procedures, as well as the lyrics to "My Heart Will Go On
(Love Theme From 'Titanic')."

Not to be outdone, the Iraqis have waged their own propaganda campaign.
In an attempt to sway world opinion, Muhammad Sa`id as-Sahhaf, Iraq's
Minister of Information has taken some liberties in reporting on some of
the targets Coalition missiles have struck.

"Only a few of Our Glorious Leader's humble residences have been struck
by a couple of lucky shots," al-Sahhaf told reporters. "However, the
American criminals have struck dozens of civilian targets, including a
factory that produces baby formula, another factory that produces
medical supplies for wounded civilians, and a hospital where orphans
care for small puppies and kittens."

However, Iraq's most notable propaganda efforts have come from Saddam
Hussein's alleged broadcasts to the Iraqi people after the war began. In
anticipation of his death, it is believed the dictator videotaped a
number of speeches several days before the attack to broadcast once war
broke out. The idea was to convince the Iraqi people that their beloved
oppressor still lived, and that they should continue to fight against
inevitable crushing defeat.

Because of the production quality and wording of the speeches, many US
military and intelligence experts believe that Hussein may have been
killed or seriously injured in the opening salvo of the war, but that
Iraqi officials are editing the tapes to hide this information from the
world.

While authorities agree that the recent speech broadcasts were made by
the real dictator, and not one of his body doubles, they are examining
the videos, frame by frame, to determine if they are recent, or if they
were made prior to Hussein's possible death.

Said one US intelligence official who wore dark sunglasses so he could
remain anonymous: "We're pretty sure he was killed in our first attack.
But Iraqi intelligence is trying to cover this up, but is doing it
poorly. Earlier broadcasts make reference to Iraqi army units that
haven't even engaged in battle, so we think the speeches aren't
authentic."

"They must think we're pretty stupid, or they're starting to get
careless and lazy," said another  official who wore black "stealth tape"
over his name tag. "Their last broadcast was live, and they used the
real Saddam Hussein. But there are telltale shrapnel wounds on his body
and you can see the wires they used to move his mouth and arms. That,
and his head fell off twice during his speech."

Other Iraqi intelligence initiatives aren't quite so effective, such as
the recent oil fires in Rumaila Field in southern Iraq. According to
inside sources, the Iraqi explanation of the fires was that it was to
serve as a distraction to Coalition Forces. However, it was actually a
failed attempt to wreak psychological havoc on American soldiers.

"They're burning Elvis Presley records," said the first US intelligence
expert, after changing into a different pair of sunglasses. "But the
joke's on them. It's just two million copies of 'Girl Happy,'  so if
anything, our morale has improved."

"Iraqi intelligence has failed to learn one simple lesson," said the
second intelligence agent, who tried shielding his name tag with his
hand, "When it comes to a battle of the wits, never show up unarmed."

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.