ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
On Wednesday London, England was on a "high" ...the
IOC had just chosen London to host the 2012 Summer
Olympics and the celebrations began. Unfortunately those
celebrations were shortlived because less than 24 hours
later terrorists struck on the mass transit system. We all
knew this was going to happen again and we all know that
it will happen again in the future...but it is so hard to under-
stand why the terrorists have to target the innocents? Just
a few hundred miles north of London on that day were the
eight most (argueably) powerful leaders in the world...why
not aim your bombs at them ...they are the ones who really
have the control? Yeah I know that is not politically correct
and will probably cause me some problems with some anti-
terrorist organizations ... I am NOT advocating terrorism but
I am just stating my personal opinions!
Last night I was an episode of "Rock Star-INXS" which is
involved in choosing the new lead singer for the Aussie
Band INXS! Now many of you know that I am a reality TV
junkie but I don't go for the "crap" style programing that
FOX seems to offer ...I hate the idea of love being found on
TV ... so this new one seemed kind of interesting ... and it
certainly was. If you forget the whole premise of the show
and just consider it as entertainment ... then you will see
some EXCELLENT rock and roll performances. These
contestants really have their stuff together! The sang
14 songs from major rock bands from the last 30 years
or so ... and did an excellent job. It will be interesting to
see how this all falls together.
Interesting how things fall together ... Erik Deckers and
Melvin Durai both feature columns on the "Couch Potato"
debate that was started when British Potato Farmers
complained that the term was derogatory to their industry.
What will they think of next?
And finally ...look for a special contest starting today and
running until the end of July ... if this is successful then it will
become a regular feature of this ezine! You have to read this
issue carefully though ... so don't miss a line.
Hello Cliff ...still enjoying the show?
Today's issue includes contributions by: JB, Barbara, Donald,
Keli, BD, Laura.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
One sperm said to the other, "I can't wait until we reach the fallopian
tubes."
The other said, "Forget it, stupid. We're in the stomach!"
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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every ezine you sign up to...so the more you sign up for the greater
your chance of winning. Your email address automatically entered
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Contest closes July 31st 2005.**
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Tater Toilers In a Tizzy Over Term
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
In this age of Political Correctness and perpetual victimhood, someone
somewhere is always complaining about certain words or phrases.
"I don't know if I feel comfortable with the implications of that
term," is the battle cry of the whiner, er, advocate. They then voice
their displeasure with the word "battle cry," because of its violent
overtones. And then they wonder why they were picked on by playground
bullies.
This week's PC whiners are complaining about CPs - couch potatoes.
British potato farmers are concerned that the term "couch potato" is
doing irreparable harm to their terrific tuber. They're afraid that the
image of a slovenly fat guy slouching on his sofa, watching Baywatch
reruns is going to have a negative impact on the image of a potato as a
healthy food item. So they're demanding that the Oxford English
Dictionary strike the offending term from its pages.
A couple weeks ago, 30 British tater tillers protested outside
Parliament to publicize their efforts at reforming the image of their
cash crop.
A couch potato is defined by the OED as "a person who spends leisure
time passively or idly sitting around, especially watching television
or video tapes." A British potato farmer is further defined by the OED
as "a bunch of whiny crybabies who apparently have too much time on
their hands."
"We are trying to get rid of the image that potatoes are bad for
you,"
said Kathryn Race, head of marketing at the British Potato Council.
Passers-by at the protest were then heard to remark, "We've got a
council for British potatoes?"
Actually, no one has ever said that potatoes are bad for you. Deep-
frying slices or wedges of potatoes, and then eating them every day for
30 years is bad for you, but that's a different story. Sure, Atkins
diet proponents say that potatoes have a fairly high carbohydrate
count, but they also recommend regularly eating steak or bratwursts, so
I'll forgive them for the potato thing.
The last time the British Potato Council made the news was after a
much-publicized street brawl with the British Lightly Breaded and Deep
Fried Fish Council, which caused fish and chip sales to plummet nearly
80% for four years. Experts are reluctant to speculate what harm this
might do to the industry.
The protesting spud studs seem to have generated some strong interest
in their cause. Not only has Nigel Evans, Member of Parliament for the
Ribble Valley in Lancashire, offered legislation in support of the
anti-couch potato movement, but Antony Worrall Thompon, an alleged
British celebrity gourmet chef, was also at the protest. "Potatoes are
one of the UK's favorite foods - not only are they healthy, they are
versatile, convenient, and taste great too. Life without potato is like
a sandwich without filling," he told reporters. He then posed for the
camera, and mouthed silently, "Call me, Food Network! Call me!"
Recliner manufacturers are also joining the protest movement. Earl
Roosevelt, Chief Marketing Officer for Lazy Guy Recliners, actually ran
across the street to speak to a reporter. "We don't see why couches
should get all the attention. Reclining easy chairs have long been a
place for people to kick back, relax, and spend evenings and weekends
watching TV." He then slumped to the ground and gasped for breath.
Reporters also spoke with French potato farmer Jean-Claude Meunier. He
was unconcerned about the entire affair, since the French term for
couch potato is actually "American."
"Hey, we're just glad you guys quit saying 'Freedom Fries'," Meunier
told a reporter from the Washington Post.
Race did concede, "Of course it is not the Oxford English Dictionary's
fault, but we want to use another term because potatoes are healthy."
The campaign is also backed by dietitians who say the vegetable is low-
fat and is high in vitamin C.
After he finished posing for the cameras, Worrall Thompson said,
"(Couch potato) is a very derogatory term, which potato- growers find
very offensive, and I can see why. The potato is very healthy. It
should be part of a balanced diet."
Food experts around the world responded to Worrall Thompson's statement
by saying "This guy should talk. We find the term 'gourmet English
food' misleading and a contradiction in terms."
But seriously, it's good to see that the potato farmers are tackling
important issues, like whether the word potato is being used in a term
meaning someone who's slothful and lazy. I'm glad that the 4000 members
of the British Potato Council think striking "couch potato" from the
dictionary is so much more important than, say, getting large shipments
of potatoes to Sudan and Ethiopia, or other parts of the world where
people are starving.
Thank you, British Potato Council for making us aware of how damaging
and harmful the term "couch potato" is. Thank you for not wasting
your
time helping people who actually need it.
Maybe the OED should redefine "British potato farmer" as "a
bunch of
selfish gits who need to get their heads out of their [see page 1847]."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The owner of this race horse told his horse that the next time he
slowed down and looked at those mares in the pasture and lost a race,
that he was going to take him to the veterinarian, and have his
'nuts' cut off. So, the next race, sure enough, the horse slowed
down to look at the female horses and lost the race! The owner did
as he threatened and it took awhile before the horse was well enough
to run a race. So the day came for his first race, and the chute
opened and the horse fell down! The owner said, "What
happened?"
The horse said, "Well, the chute opened and I started to run...then
some damn fool yelled 'they're off!' and I got so embarrassed that I
crossed my legs!"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip
and it really pisses off the bank tellers.
-Dan Gadino
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Kitchen Accessory For Women With Issues
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/knifeset.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/knifeset.shtml
">Kitchen Accessory
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Terrorist Proof Airline
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nakedair.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nakedair.shtml
">Terrorist Proof
Airline</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a list of 2000 names to call your dog
<a href=" http://petrix.com/dognames/
">2000 dog names</a>
http://petrix.com/dognames/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,
they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such
exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to
earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's
gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name
just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was
laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease .....that's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Directions To The Restrooms???
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/restroom.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/restroom.shtml
">Directions To The
Restrooms???</a>
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/guesswho.shtml ">Guess
Who Hassidic
Edition</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
As we age, our priorities change......
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of
short velvet ropes.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
See Ya Later, Alligator!
by Sheila Moss
I've been watching the weather channel again and have come to a
basic conclusion: People who live in Florida need to get out -
permanently. That entire state is a storm magnet. What possesses
people to live in a place that sooner or later is going to end
up under water? It's beyond me!
Equally stupid are television weather reporters who fly to the
target areas to be in the big one. They stand outside in the rain
with trees blowing behind them or waves crashing over a seawall
and tell us that it is not safe to be outside. That is right
before they are cracked on the head with flying debris, which
gives them an even better reason to warn people to stay inside.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/alligator.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/alligator.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she
suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde."
She
was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were
fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia
from Theresa.
One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant
to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.
When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to
Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano."
To which Holmes replied, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The teacher gave her class an assignment. Get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs
one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah, Ashleigh, do you have a story to
share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was
a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed
the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
A Little Confusing For Prospective Job Hunters
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/huhjobs.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/huhjobs.shtml ">A
Little Confusing
For Prospective Job Hunters</a>
Ladies, Do NOT Go Boating With This Guy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/noboating.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/noboating.shtml
">Ladies, Do NOT Go
Boating With This Guy</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A German man has been arrested after a marriage guidance counsellor
advised him to run around naked shouting at trees. Dieter Braun, 43,
from Recklinghausen said the stress release technique had worked
perfectly until he was arrested. He told police that venting his
anger on the trees had stopped him shouting at his wife. "If I didn't
go to the woods and scream at the trees then my marriage would
probably be over," he said. He added taking his clothes off at the
same time made him feel more relaxed. "For me it's a type of
relaxation therapy. Feeling the breeze on my naked skin really
calms me down." But local police said other visitors to the forest
did not find his behaviour relaxing and have now charged him with
causing a public nuisance.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
NOT so stupid blonde joke:
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around! Just
because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I
proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me
last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for
themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up. I have not heard anything since. Guess I won that stupid
argument!
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
HOLLYWOOD----FOX HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW SERIES CALLED "SKATING WITH
CELEBRITIES." (TIME/6/27)
In the first outing, Tanya Harding and Evander Holyfield take to the ice
against Wayne Gretsky and Tai Babalonia.
SINGAPORE----I.O.C. EXECUTIVES WILL VOTE ON POSSIBLE SPORTS TO BE
EXCLUDED FROM THE OLYMPICS INCLUDING GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING AND
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING. (USA/7/5)
Also on the bubble are team Twister, darts and celebrity chess.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in
front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his
audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come
CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?" Nobody, of
course
raised their hand. So he issued the question again. "Anybody!
Has
ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"
Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked
to stand up. "Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to
perfection."
The man responded, "My wife's first husband."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
A history professor & a psychology professor were sitting next to
each other at a nudist resort. The history professor asked the
psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the
wicker chairs."
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"THAT'S NO POTATO ON THE COUCH"
British potato farmers are miffed about the term "couch
potato" and want it removed from the Oxford English
Dictionary. They believe that the term, which originated as
American slang, has hurt the reputation of the potato
industry. And they're absolutely right, especially when you
consider how much damage the term "lazy butt" caused to the
cigarette industry. And let's not forget the
expression "chill out," which almost ruined the sauna
industry.
"Couch potato" has caused immeasurable harm, not only to
innocent potato farmers everywhere but also to
couch-dwelling men like me. So what if we spend countless
hours on our backs watching TV -- that doesn't give anyone
the right to compare us to a vegetable. We are living,
breathing human beings, capable of deep thought and
occasional movement. Just try to grab the remote and you'll
see.
Being compared to a vegetable is downright scary. First they
call you a vegetable and the next thing you know, they're
having a national debate on whether to keep you alive.
Democrat: "Look how unresponsive he is, particularly during
football games. Just the other day, when he didn't respond
to his wife's calls, she had no choice but to perform CPR on
him. She finally managed to detect a pulse, but only in the
finger touching the remote. Doctors have diagnosed him with
irreversible couch potatoitis. He's just a vegetable hooked
to a tube. He can't survive without the boob tube. His wife
is reluctant to unplug it, but believes it's the right thing
to do, especially since it would free up valuable couch
space."
Republican: "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This man is
so full of life. Look at the way his eyes widen when a
cheerleader appears on the screen. And what about his
tongue -- it's been hanging out ever since Janet Jackson
performed at the Super Bowl. You might argue that he's
unable to pull it back in, but I say that he's a man who
loves to taste life."
Democrat: "How can you taste life when you're lying on a
couch all day? You have to move around to experience life,
you have to be willing to stick your head above your feet.
Couch potatoes like him have given up on their own lives and
are surviving on other people's lives through the tube.
They're like parasites, but with fewer motor skills."
To prevent such drama, I've decided to speak out on behalf
of all self-respecting couch-dwellers everywhere. We
strongly support the British potato farmers' bid to have
"couch potato" removed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
In fact, we believe this offensive term should be banned not
only from public speech but also from the lips of wives and
girlfriends. Anyone using this term should be given the
couch potato treatment. They should be strapped to a couch
and pelted with potatoes.
We'd like to suggest a few better terms that can be used to
describe us: horizontal human, couch slouch and sofa loafer.
We'd also like to encourage everyone to use the word
"potato" in a positive manner, the way potato farmers do.
Farmer Brown: "We farmers move around a lot, but not as much
as the actress Angelina Jolie. She's such an active potato."
Farmer Jones: "I heard she adopted an orphan from Ethiopia.
What a caring potato!"
Farmer Hefner: "Yeah, but did you see the pictures of her
sunbathing on the beach in her bikini? Man, I've never seen
such nice potatoes."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com