ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Well as most of you know ...for this past weekend I spent
Saturday at a country/rock festival in Dauphin, Manitoba and
had a great time.  Got a little wet in the evening when the sky
opened up ...but got to see great performances by Big and
Rich, Uncle Kracker and a new band called Sugarland.  Also
caught the end of the first public performance by The Road
Hammers.  The night ended with a set by Canadian 80s
band StreetHeart.  My wife and I had a great time ...but it
was a little exhausting.

Friday I was once again the main organizer of our local Canada
Day festivities and it went off pretty well.  We pushed the fire-
works up by about a 1/2 hour to beat the show that was
coming from the clouds.  About five minutes after our final
blast in the sky ... a HUGE storm hit us with over 2 inches
of rain in less than an hour!  The light show was incredible
and I haven't seen one like that for years.

And just in case you are wondering ...Cliff is still with us.  ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, JB, Stan,
Barbara, Laura, Irish Warlock.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?

A pot hole!

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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Riots at Real Estate Agencies?

Erik is out of the office this week, probably suffering from heat stroke
somewhere, thanks to the frighteningly hot weather we've been having.
The last time this happened, California was suffering from rolling
blackouts. To commemorate that dubious event, we are republishing the
following column, because it will most likely happen again.


Prior to 2001, the only thing people had to worry about dying from in
California were earthquakes, forest fires, extreme heat, sunstroke,
drought, mudslides, the LA Freeway system, and Jay Leno's chin.
Apparently now rolling blackouts can kill you too.

Food poisoning, rioting and looting, and panic-related heart attacks are
all risks that Californians face if they're caught in the wrong place at
the wrong time during 20 to 200 hours of anticipated rolling blackouts.
And if estimates are correct, close to 300,000 people could die as a
result of the blackouts (more on that later).

According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times and on National
Public Radio's "Weekend Edition Sunday," the California Public Utilities
Commission will grant exemptions from the 20 to 200 hours of rolling
blackouts they're anticipating this summer.

Applicants were asked to explain -- under penalty of perjury -- why
their business or agency should be granted an exemption. However, the
PUC would not allow economic hardship to be a reason for an exemption.
So, of course, death of patrons, customers, clients, or innocent
bystanders became the number one reason most applicants gave to leave
their power running.

Understandably, some businesses are granted automatic exemptions, like
hospitals, kidney dialysis clinics, defense outposts, air and sea
transport communication outposts, and radio and TV stations that
broadcast emergency information.

But let us not forget those unsung heroes who, with the help of
electricity, could save hundreds and even thousands of lives, if only
they didn't have to suffer through a rolling blackout. I'm talking about
lawyers, dental offices, beauty salons, hotels, restaurants, churches,
dance and gymnastics studios, liquor stores, real estate offices, and
even cemeteries.

Take La Scala, for example. This upscale (snooty) Beverly Hills
restaurant claims that anywhere from 26 to 100 of its patrons are likely
to die of food poisoning "depending upon how many guests are in the
restaurant during a blackout, and how many guests are subjected to
contaminated food."

In other words, if you're sitting in La Scala when the lights go out,
you have bigger problems than your American Express Goldtaniumite card
being rejected:

1) The food they serve you may be contaminated because there's no power
to the refrigerator.

2) Even though they already know the food could be contaminated, they're
not going to throw it away.

3) Instead of throwing away the contaminated food, they're going to
serve it to you.

4) They are going to serve it to you, even though they have no way of
cooking it, since the power went out.

5) They can't cook it because they either have no power to the stoves
and ovens, or they can't see in the dark to begin with.

6) Despite their alleged "upscaleness," they're not going to WARN you
that this uncooked food was in an unpowered refrigerator, and may be
contaminated, so you could die if you ate it anyway. Never mind that
it's too dark for you to eat it in the first place.

7) Even though their reputation is based on providing excellent food at
high prices, La Scala is going to risk killing off a significant portion
of their clientele, no matter how many multi-million dollar lawsuits
they'll face.

Patron: I'll have the Pork Tartare, my wife will have the Chicken Filet,
cooked rare, and the children will have Anthrax Surprise.

Waiter: Would you like a side of raw eggs with your Pork Tartare?

The same argument has made by Stephen Server, owner of A Perfect Affair,
a Santa Ana caterer. Server believes that he could inadvertently kill
anywhere from 100 to 1,000 people by serving his bacteria-laden food.

But Galley Catering downplayed their lethality. They were only going to
kill one to three people, with 100 to 1,000 minor health problems.
Golden Crust Bakeries of Valencia also estimated they would only kill
one to three people as a result of cheese spoilage.

According to the article, most of the applicants, while making their
doomsday predictions, admitted they did not have a backup generator or
other contingency plan. According to a spokesman for the engineering
firm asked to rank the seriousness of the claims, more than 300
companies each say 1000 people could die as a result of their own
negligence.

You would think the restaurant patrons are a little smarter than to eat
contaminated food at a blackout restaurant. But apparently restaurant
managers and nightclub owners don't think that highly of their
clientele.

The House of Blues in West Hollywood wrote on their application, "People
who have consumed alcohol can become overheated very quickly as well as
[fail to use] good judgment in remaining calm."

In other words, not only do these people not have sense enough to come
in out of the rain, they don't have sense enough to drink water or leave
an overheating building.

Yes, let's salute the food service professionals of California. They're
concerned about their customer's safety, NOT about throwing away spoiled
food or wasting money. They want to make sure that every customer gets a
great meal, even though it could be his or her last. They're more
concerned about everyone enjoying themselves, and not wasting their time
buying liability insurance or backup generators.

All of this makes me wonder what excuse the cemeteries gave.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.  The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile."

"The Second body is an Irishman,  25 years of age.   He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.   He died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.    Ole Swenson,
Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue."
-Anonymous

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
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ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

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ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

if your name is doug you should be here!

<a href=" http://www.dougs.org/ ">a world of dougs</a>
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To see more wasted webspace visit:
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three
male dogs fall all over themselves in  an effort to be the
one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from
her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can
use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I
love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination
or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well
can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about
you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns
to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

I bought a box of self-improvement tapes: "How To
Handle Disappointment." I got it home and the box
was empty.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely,
so I thought I'd get me one of those  girls you see advertised in
phone books. I decided to phone  one called Erogeonique, lovely
girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So I  picked up
the card and I dialed the number.

"Can I help you?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd  like you to come to my room
and give me a massage.  No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast
and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole  night, you name it we'll do it.
Bring implements, bring toys... do the  lot, all night, tie me up,
cover me in anything.  Now how  does that sound.?

She says, "That sounds fantastic...  But for an outside line you
need to press 9  first."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

[Unavailable today]

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his  grandmother
on his dad's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she  has been
promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is  that?" she
asked. "I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered,  "that she would
climb the walls if you came to visit."

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Rachel, completely fed up with her husband's Internet obsession finally
takes matters into her own hands.

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom,
takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts
herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, " Your Time for Super Sex!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!"

Finally Morris replies..... "Ok, I'll take the soup."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A Russian astrologer is suing Nasa after claiming the probe
they smashed into a comet meant she had to rewrite all her
horoscopes. Marina Bai wants $350,000 in damages after Nasa's
Deep Impact probe crashed into the Tempel 1 comet. She said
the collision will change the orbit of the comet and therefore
affect the night skyscape, and she will be unable to read
horoscopes properly without lots of extra research. She said:
"It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and
correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion.
This will interfere with my astrology work and distort my
horoscopes." Moscow district court officials have said
preparations for the case are underway, but that no date has
yet been set for a hearing.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide  to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his  shirt and then washes his
hands.

He then takes of his trousers and  washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You  must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure  that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One  thing led to another and they make love.  After they have done,
the girl  says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego  says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist,
How  did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

WASHINGTON----HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY MICHAEL CHERTOFF PROPOSED A
"TRUSTED TRAVELERS PROGRAM" WHICH WOULD ALLOW FREQUENT BORDER CROSSERS
FROM MEXICO TO ENTER AND LEAVE QUICKLY.  (USA/6/28)

To save time after picking our fruits and vegetables, mowing our lawns
and bussing our restaurant tables.


HOLLYWOOD----NICOLE KIDMAN TOLD PEOPLE MAGAZINE THAT SHE PUT ELIZABETH
MONTGOMERY'S NOSE IN SLOW MOTION ON HER VCR TO MIMIC HER TWITCH FOR THE
MOVIE "BEWITCHED."  (PEOPLE/6/25)

And it worked.  One night at dinner with friends, thinking it a joke,
she inadvertantly sterilized Katie Holmes.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

When my daughter and her husband were visiting me in Florida this
spring, they were staying in the cottage on the water and ended up
having one hell of a silly donneybrook over who should get up and brew
the coffee each morning.

My daughter said, "Her husband should do it, because he got up first,
and then they wouldn't have to wait as long to get their coffee."
Alex, her husband said, "You're in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that's your job, and I'll just wait for my
coffee."

Exercising her Irish stubborness she replied, "No, you should do it, and
besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."  Dumb
founded over that statement, Alex replied, "I don't believe that show
me."

So she produced a the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS. "

Well as you can guess, that cute little, so called victory of hers,
didn't do much to improve the general happy-face conditions around the
compound.

So they both, out of deference to their host, me, refrained from the
more familiar tactics of a family Irish-Sicilian argument, basically
screaming at and throwing objects in the general direction of your
antagonist and both then resorted to the dreaded " silent treatment."

I had to take a quick overnight trip across the state to Ft Lauderdale
and while I was gone, Alex recieved a call requesting that he return to
Chicago early the next day for an emergency business meeting and would
return for another few weeks in Florida.,

The problem was they still weren't talking and he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for the early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), Alex wrote
in large block letters on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00
AM."

He left it taped to the fridge where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, Alex woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife did not wake him, when he noticed a piece of paper against the lamp
on the bedside table.

The paper said, "Wake up. It's 5:00 AM, time to get up !  "

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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?

A prick that stays up all night.

ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"QUESTIONS THAT PROBE YOUR HEART"

I've been looking through an interesting book called "The
Book of Questions," in which Dr. Gregory Stock poses more
than 400 questions that help you explore your values, morals
and beliefs. Some are fairly simple questions that you
already know the answers to, such as "Do you ever spit or
pick your nose in public?" Others are questions that really
test your values, such as "Would you be willing to reduce
your life expectancy by twenty years to become Oprah's
dog?"

I changed the last question slightly, but I haven't changed
any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:

Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving
dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what
would you do?

Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing to do: pick
up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's
plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be
doing what all religions teach us to do: share.

Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about the way you are now living?

A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and
smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,
knowing that I won't die for another year.

Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,
security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something
else?

A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two
young children, I strive for only two things: peace and
quiet.

Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but
fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,
whom would you like to have with you?

A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but
I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our
children?

Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to
communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not
having told someone?

A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that
I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not
touch it.

Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without
washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?

A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the
neighbors?

Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you
knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you
have now?

A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.

Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be?

A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything
worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day
at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a
full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really
felt bad for her.

Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,
would you?

A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.
But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go
to the embassy.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com  Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com

Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com