ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Oh Canada ...our home on native land! ;) You really have
to love my country ...just days before our annual Canada Day
Celebrations ...our fabulous government last night pushed through
same-sex marriage legislation ...so now in Canada it is legal
for homosexuals to marry and smoke pot at their ceremony.
It makes me really proud to live in such a progressive country..
a country that also is in the process of granting privacy rights
to one of the most notorious criminals in recent history. Karla
Homolka (now Karla Teale) is about to be released from prison
after spending time for her part in the murders of two schoolgirls
in the 1980s. She also was involved in the murder of her own
sister! Karla has done her time (according to her) and is now
attempting to have the government pass a law preventing
ANYONE (including the general public) from discussing anything
about her once she is released! Its a sad day when the criminals
have more rights than the victims!
Oh well...enough depression ....on this extended holiday long
weekend ....with Canada Day falling on Friday and July 4th
falling on Monday ...North America is going to be out of service
for a few days. I am off to a country/rock festival on Saturday
where I will be watching "Big and Rich" and a whole lineup of
country stars and then finishing off with Canada's own "Street-
heart"...a 70s rock band! I am sure that there will be just a little
liquid refreshment flowing around and maybe even some "medicinal
herbs" being smoked by the crowd. ;) Have a great long week-
end no matter which side of the border you are on.
And for those of you who wanted to know ...Cliff is still with us ...
I guess he has changed his mind about leaving. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Laura, Dawn, Stan, Willie,
Jamie, Rubin, JB, Irish Warlock, Joanie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
He said ... . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
[Happy Belated Birthday to Erik ...an all-around-nice-guy!]
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I'm Sorry, Were You Saying Something?
Ask anyone what the key to a successful relationship is, and they'll
tell you the same thing: communication.
This is true whether you're talking about business relationships,
friendships, or marriage. Although if you're OJ Simpson or Robert Blake,
some might say that not killing your wife is more important. However,
they were both found not guilty by the courts, so I'll leave the
validity of these jokes up to you.
But ask those same people (the other people, not OJ or Robert Blake) to
define communication and it gets a little harder.
"Umm. . . talking, listening, errr. . . sharing feelings, and you know.
. . uhh, just communicating. Oh, and not killing your wife."
Not only have entire books been devoted to communication, but weekend
seminars, college classes, graduate degrees, and entire careers have as
well. So what makes me think I can deal with such a gargantuan topic in
a single 755 word column?
Actually, I don't need to. For one thing, I've already spent 161 words
getting this far. And I'm going to skip that whole "sharing your
feelings" business, which will save me about three years worth of work.
That also means I can spare you the traditional "wives want to share
their feelings during football" jokes that have become a staple of
stand-up comics everywhere. They've become such an overused topic of
humor that even the mountain dwellers of Nepal know the jokes, and
they've never even seen football.
But if I had to pick one important area of good communication, it's
listening. Listening is the most important thing you can do in any
relationship, because it does a number of things.
First, it's how you gather information. Second, it makes the other
person think you care about what they have to say, whether you really do
or not. And third, it lets you watch that thing in their nose flap in
and out as they breathe.
Of course, you could also fake listen while actually listening to the
announcers discuss how Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis just went
medieval on the opposing team's quarterback. But this will lead to
problems of its own, like missing important things your wife is trying
to say.
Wife: The kids are asleep. Do you want to go upstairs, and. . . you
know?
You: No, honey, those pants don't make you look that fat.
Football Announcer #1: Oooh, nice hit. He didn't see that one coming!
Football Announcer #2: No he didn't Al. She really plowed him over with
a ferocious tackle. His head snapped back like a broken Pez dispenser.
Announcer #1: Jeez, John, that just looks painful. Uh-oh, I think he's
really hurt.
Announcer #2: He's not moving. He's not moving at all.
Announcer #1: They're bringing the stretcher onto the field. The other
husbands are just standing around on the field, slowly shaking their
heads. You hate to see that kind of thing happen.
Of course, there are those people who would rather hear themselves talk
instead of listening. So even though they hear the old "we have two ears
but only one mouth" quote, they launch into a 15 minute diatribe about
how the ears are redundant since they both do the same thing, and our
mouth is much bigger than our ear holes, and blah blah blah until you
just want to punch them in the nose.
Your best bet in dealing with this person is to tell your wife he
thought she looks fat in her new pants.
So what's the key to good listening techniques? Well, not talking, for
one thing. Unless you're a guest on a cable news show, you shouldn't
talk while the other person is talking.
Second, concentrate on what the other person is saying, rather than
formulating a response. Try to really pay attention to the other person.
Unless that thing in their nose is threatening to fly out. Then it's
okay to make mental bets with yourself about where it will land or how
far it will fly.
Third, paraphrase what the other person said, and repeat it back to
them. Again, it shows you were paying attention, and it lets you
double-check whether you heard the other person correctly. You weren't
really paying attention after that thing finally flew out of their nose,
and you had to watch to see where it landed, so this will let you make
sure you're on the right track.
But the most important secret for a successful relationship is this:
Always remember to -- What an incredible pass! 47 yard touchdown!!
Woo-hoo!!
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the
natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she
hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist
and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The
doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her
to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from
your recreational area...... I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Stevie Wonder Speaks Out For Michaels Defense
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/formichaelsdefense.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/formichaelsdefense.shtml
">Stevie
Wonder Speaks Out For Michaels Defense</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
find out what steve's do
<a href=" http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/3839/ "steves
compilations</a>
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/3839/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
" Two men are madly in love with me !" Goldie says. " Who
will
be the lucky one ? "
The swami answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be
the lucky one. "
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
I Like The Way My Pussy Smells
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/smellsgood.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/smellsgood.shtml ">I
Like The Way My
Pussy Smells</a>
The Back of Mt. Rushmore
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/backrush.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/backrush.shtml ">The
Back of Mt.
Rushmore</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two tourists are driving through the countryside in Wales.
At the quaint town of Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanf-
ygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stop for lunch and one tourist
asks the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very
slowly?"
The blonde waitress leans over and says, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinnnggg..."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Fourth of July
by Sheila Moss
Every year about this time the fireworks tents begin to sprout out
by the county line, and I know its almost here again - the 4th of
July. As usual, I'm sitting around trying to decide the best way
to spend the holiday. This year things seem to boil down pretty
much to three choices: a big public gathering, a gathering of
friends at the park for a picnic, or a small family-type
celebration.
The large public gatherings must be the best. They sure seem to
attract plenty of people. The fireworks displays are large and
loud. They usually have fantastic food - fantastically overpriced;
beer - fantastically over consumed; and traffic jams - fantastically
frustrating. If I didn't mind rubbing elbows with sweaty crowds
and had plenty of money to waste, this might be a fun way to
celebrate. Who knows, I might even be lucky enough to find a place
to park without walking several miles from a parking lot.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/july.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/july.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the
man a wanted poster.The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper
hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young
man."Rustling."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Smart Baby Question
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/baby3.shtml ">Smart
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Basic Necessity Keyboard for Males
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/malesputer.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/malesputer.shtml
">Basic Necessity
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ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says,
"Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing but the other two call him boss!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Redneck Wedding Cake
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckweddingcake.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckweddingcake.shtml
">Redneck
Wedding Cake</a>
Hey Guys - Want A Coke?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/colabust.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/colabust.shtml ">Hey
Guys - Want A
Coke?</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Two Romanian policemen were ordered to fine themselves for
walking on the grass. Agents Elvis Pricina and Iulian
Gherghel, from Craiova in Dolj county, wrote their own
tickets and must pay $120.00 each. They were caught
walking on the grass on camera by town vice mayor
Gheorghe Nedelescu who wanted to check if new laws
to protect green spaces were being respected. The two
agents were the first people fined for walking on the
grass under the legislation. They were also demoted,
reports the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A high school science class was asked the question, "When water becomes
ice, which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume increases."
Except for one wise guy who was obviously thinking outside the box, and
no doubt in reality, closer to the truth, "When water becomes ice,
its price increases."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
NEW YORK----ACCORDING TO THE CURRENT ISSUE OF "GQ," SADDAM HUSSEIN
LOVES
DORITOS, HATES FROOT LOOPS, ADMIRED REAGAN, THINKS CLINTON WAS OKAY AND
CONSIDERS BOTH BUSHES "NO GOOD." (AP/6/21)
Which puts him within 3 percentage points of the average American.
LAHAINA, HI----SEVERAL BEACHES ON THE WEST COAST OF MAUI WERE CLOSED
WHEN SCHOOLS OF SHARKS SUDDENLY APPEARED CLOSE TO SHORE. (CNN/6/17)
American Bar Association officials apologized and said that from now on,
they'd hold their annual convention on the mainland.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it
out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Two gay boys was walking down the street in front of a funeral home --
one turned to the other and said, Would you like to go in side and
have a cool one?"
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"THE OTHER SIDE OF GLAMOUROUS CAREERS"
If there's one question adults love to ask children, it's
this: What do you want to be when you grow up? I asked my
three-year-old daughter, Lekha, and she said, "A musician."
She fell silent for a moment, as though she was
contemplating which instrument to play. And then she asked,
"Daddy, what do YOU want to be when you grow up?"
My parents asked me this question when I was a child and I
never thought I'd hear it again from my daughter. Back then,
I wanted to be a pilot or a police officer. I wanted to wear
a uniform, cruise around at great speeds, and carry people
to captivating destinations, such as the British Virgin
Islands or San Quentin State Prison.
My parents had other ideas, of course. They fancied a career
in medicine for me and called me "Dr. Tembo." Tembo is a
common name in Zambia, where I grew up, sort of like Jones
in England, Kim in Korea, and Bubba in Texas.
Coming from a poor country, my parents knew the importance
of health. That's why they wanted me to be a doctor -- so I
could have a healthy bank account.
Parents tend to be practical, though like my mom, they do
try to take their children's interests and talents into
account.
Me: "Mom, I really enjoy writing."
Mom: "That's good, son. As a doctor, you can write lots of
prescriptions."
Me: "But Mom, I'm also into humor."
Mom: "That's good, son. You can lift your patients' spirits
by telling jokes."
Me: "But Mom, I'd also like to perform, perhaps in a
theater."
Mom: "That's good, son. You can perform surgery in an
operating theater."
Children are often drawn to the glamour or excitement of
certain professions, not realizing that there's another side
to them. I'll try to explain this to Lekha someday.
Lekha: "Dad, I want to be a model. I can wear nice clothes,
tons of make-up, and appear on the cover of every magazine
except 'Playgirl.' Then I can get a cooking show on the Food
Network and marry a famous author like Salman Rushdie."
Me: "You want to be a model? Okay, but you're really going
to miss some things that your friends do, such as eating.
And you may have to undergo plastic surgery to have your
hips and thighs removed. You may also need breast implants.
And you'll have to exercise three times a day, partly to
lose every ounce of fat and partly to strengthen your back
so you don't tip over."
Lekha: "Oh, I didn't think about all that. Maybe I'll be an
actress instead. I can star in blockbuster movies, earn
millions of dollars and make Oprah go gah-gah over me."
Me: "An actress? Okay, but you'd better say goodbye to your
privacy. The media will hound you, wanting to know every
detail of your life: what food you eat, what books you read,
what toilet paper you use. Your fans won't leave you alone
either. They'll trouble you for autographs everywhere you
go, even in the ladies room."
Lekha: "That sounds great, Dad! Thanks for convincing me.
Acting school, here I come!"
Whatever my daughter chooses to do, I'll try to encourage
her, as long as she has talent and is willing to work hard.
And as long as she promises to help ME find a good career.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com