ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Hey Cliff hope you enjoy this issue!  ;)

Thanks to all of you for your support (and even to those who were
laughing) last week when I told you about my son stealing a
school bus ... he has now been punished by myself, the school
and the RCMP so I am sure that he has learnt a valuable lesson
that will stick with him for life.  He doesn't end up with a criminal
record out of this ... but he did get his knuckles severely rapped
by the justice system!

The American Film Institute has released another "Top 100" ...
this time it is the Top 100 Movie Quotes.  All your favourites
are there ... but the all time #1 movie quote is: "Frankly, my
dear, I don't give a damn!" which was uttered by Rhett Butler
to Scarlette O'hara in Gone With The Wind ... the rest of the
list is incredible including my favourite: "We're gonna need a
bigger boat." from Jaws.  I was going to try and publish a few
more ... but the website is overloaded this morning ...so if you
want to see the full list you can check out:
<a href=" www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx  ">AFI Movie Quotes</a>
www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx

The first day of summer hit yesterday and today we awoke to
a massive thunderstorm going through with the ugliest clouds
I have seen in years ...I am hoping it keeps on going without
spawning any tornados!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Barbara, Nana,
Lisa, Unicorn, Laura, Pat, Donald.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

As the young couple parked in a crowded lover's lan, she sighed
romantically, "it's lovely out here tonight --- just liten to
the crickets."

"Those aren't crickets," her date replied.  "They're zippers."

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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

I'm 266 in Dog Years
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from
two years ago, with a few updates to make it. . . well, up-to-date.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks, and I'll turn 38. I'm not
complaining, because I've enjoyed my 30s so far, and am looking forward
to repeating several of them.

But I'm not happy about the date of my birthday. I was born right at the
stroke of midnight on June 27th, 1967. However, my mom went into labor
on the 26th.

"18 hours!" she reminds me frequently. "Probably the longest labor in
history! Why can't you call more often? I was in labor for 18 hours with
you!"

Needless to say, after all that hard work, she was pretty disgusted with
the doctors when they said "Oops, it's 12:00:01, so the 27th is your
son's birthday."

Jerks.

Sure I didn't get the birthday my mom wanted, but that's not even what
concerns me. What bugs me is that by arbitrarily picking my birthday out
of thin air, the doctors doomed me to a lifetime misery of "Birthday
Anonymity."

"Birthday Anonymity" is when no one really famous was born on your
birthday. Few people are afflicted with this malady, because nearly
every celebrity, sports figure, author, political leader, historical
ruler, or great inventor was born on every day of the year except mine.
With the possible exception of February 29th, June 27th seems to be the
crappiest date to have a birthday, because almost no one of any
significance was born on that day (except for me, of course).

Before I go on, let me clarify that I am not unhappy with my own
birthday. I have a great birthday every year, Birthday Claus is always
very kind to me, and I have a wonderful time with my friends and family.
I just wish someone extremely cool and famous -- besides me -- shared my
birthday.

Let's look at the two days on either side of my birthday:

June 26th was the birthday of baseball great Derek Jeter, as well as the
inventor of baseball, Abner Doubleday. World cycling great and Tour de
France champion Greg LeMond was born on this day in 1961, while this day
in 1904 was actor Peter Lorre's birthday. And in 1892, Nobel Prize and
Pulitzer Prize winner Pearl Buck was born. It was also the birthday of
my childhood best friend, Doug Dahlstrom.

June 28th is the birthday of actor John Cusack (1966), former Denver
Bronco quarterback John Elway (1960), Saturday Night Live alum Gilda
Radner (1946), and philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712). He's the
guy who coined the phrase "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity." Richard
Rodgers, of Rodgers and Hammerstein fame, was born on this day in 1902,
and the Treaty of Versailles was signed today. It's the birthday of
renowned bad guy John Dillinger (1902), one of the funniest people on
Earth, Mel Brooks (1926), the founder of the Anglican Church (and
ultimately the entire Protestant movement), King Henry VIII (1491), and
one of my dogs.

So what about my birthday? It's not too bad, I guess. Helen Keller was
born on June 27, 1880, and Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan was born in
1927. But that's about it for famous people. Otherwise, I have to share
my birthday with H. Ross "Look at those ears! He can fly!" Perot.

What other notables share my day of days? After checking
www.famousbirthdays.com, I see that Madylin Sweeten of "Everybody Loves
Raymond" was born in 1991, and Julia Duffy, the woman on "Newhart" and
"Designing Women" was born in 1951.

Look at the Writer's Almanac from Minnesota Public Radio (www.mpr.org).
Ooooh, it's the birthday of novelist Alice McDermott. She wrote "The
Bigamist's Daughter." You remember that one, don't you?

Science fiction writer James Patrick Hogan was born on June 27, 1941.
According to the Writer's Almanac, he has written a number of novels ".
. . based on 'hard' science, which are popular among scientists as well
as with the public." By "public," I assume they mean "people who have
heated arguments about the viability of warp engines at Star Trek
conventions."

I don't mean to complain about it. It's not my parents' fault, the
hospital's fault, or even the doctors' fault (although one could argue
that last point). I just happen to have a mediocre, unexciting birthday
when it comes to famous people. So it looks like I'll have to carry the
ball for the day.

So, for those of you who share my birthday, those of you who have cried
yourself to sleep, wishing someone famous had been born on your special
day, dry your tears! Hold your head up high, look people straight in the
eye, and say with pride, "I was born on June 27th, the same day as Erik
Deckers, the World's Strongest Humorist!" Who knows? Maybe someday, my
name will appear on FamousBirthdays.com.

Yeah right, and I'll be 29 for the 9th year in a row.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
horrible sunburn.   He goes to the hospital and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the
severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,
a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will
Viagra do him, Doctor ?

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per
year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful
information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads,
investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At
Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann
Gutenberg.
-Dave Barry

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Old Geezer Crossing
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/geezer.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/geezer.shtml ">Old Geezer
Crossing</a>

Separated At Birth??
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ruths.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ruths.shtml ">Separated At
Birth??</a>

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

how long has this site been under kunstruction?

<a href=" http://www.thebuniffs.com/ ">welcome to our world</a>
http://www.thebuniffs.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss
you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me
just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss
you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor;
"Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably
shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with"Guess" on it.  So I said
" Implants?" She hit me.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Now Thats A Happy Beer
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Weigh Yourself </a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their
wedding night.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He told the
clerk that it was their honeymoon, and that they wanted a very
nice room.

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?" The Amish
fellow thought about it a minute, and then replied, "No, I guess
not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

[Unavailable ... returns next issue]

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins!If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
State Troopers Ball".

He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

This Laundromat Can Help
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Workbench For The Lonely Carpenter
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

Doctors in India are baffled by a teenage boy who
appears to have started having periods. Tarak, from
Kalna in West Bengal's Burdwan district, has
reportedly been experiencing menstrual symptoms
for a year. The 15-year-old bleeds from his penis
in the second week of every month, reports the
Hindustan Times. The youngster is also said to
suffer from nausea, stomach ache and mood swings.
Sudip Mondol, a local physician, said: "The boy
has male organs but he has feminine attributes.
If tests of his blood samples prove the presence
of ovum, this would be a rare medical case."
Pradip Mitra, of the West Bengal Gynaecological
Society, said: "The presence of female functional
endometrial in a male prostate gland can cause
this type of abnormality."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see
you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've
worn that silly hat to bed."

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

SANTA MARIA, CA----MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND NOT GUILTY ON ALL TEN COUNTS.
(CNN/6/13)

A verdict that had to have shaken up the Holy Father.  By giving priests
a few dancing lessons and some cosmetic surgery, the Vatican could have
saved a billion bucks.

LONDON----QUEEN ELIZABETH II CELEBRATED HER 79TH BIRTHDAY AMID THE
TRADITIONAL PAGENTRY.  (CBS NEWS/6/11)

At the post-parade party, she squealed in delight as guests played Pin
the Tail on Tony Blair.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What
the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so
many of these darn things in Idaho, I'm just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn
from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing
that for?" asked the gal from Florida. "We have so many of these
things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the
New Yorker out.

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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

It has just been announced that this year's French
Open Tennis Tournament has been canceled due to a
national crisis. France has an excess of tennis
rackets...but no balls!

ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"RIDING A GOAT TO SUCCESS"

Take a look around you. What's your most prized possession?
Perhaps it's your high-speed computer, which allows you to
communicate with people all over the world, sometimes even
the ones in your home.

Perhaps it's your SUV, an all-terrain vehicle that offers
"pure driving pleasure." You've driven it deep into the
woods, it has driven you deep into debt.

Perhaps it's your new titanium golf clubs, endorsed by Tiger
Woods. They've allowed you to hit so many birdies, the darn
animal activists are after you.

If you have trouble deciding, it's probably because you own
a lot. A digital camera, a DVD player, a wireless,
Internet-ready toaster. A television in every room, even one
for the dog. Three sofa sets: one in the living room, one in
the basement and one in the formal room, in case Charles and
Camilla drop by. A wardrobe filled with dozens of shoes,
reminding you of the best dream you ever had, the one in
which you were a centipede.

Of course, you deserve everything you have. "I earned it,"
you tell everyone. "You should have seen how hard I worked
in all my jobs." So what if you were born into a privileged
family or country -- you deserved that, too. "I earned it,"
you tell everyone. "You should have seen how hard I worked
in my previous life."

Well, imagine for a moment that you live in a poor country
and own very little. Nothing but the roof over your head and
the shirt on your back. It's a second-hand shirt, which once
belonged to a tall American and is thankfully long enough to
cover the lower half of your body.

Now imagine also that you have a friend in a neighboring
hut. He doesn't own much either, but he does possess
something you don't: a goat. And what a fantastic animal it
is, producing several quarts of milk a day and enough manure
to fertilize the pumpkin patch. And best of all, this
wonderful animal eats almost anything -- grass, weeds,
shrubs -- even giving your friend his regular haircut.
Before you know it, you're suffering from a serious case of
goat envy.

"If only I had a goat," you tell yourself, "I wouldn't be
poor anymore. I could sell the milk, sell the offspring, and
fill my hut from top to bottom with shoes."

It may seem far-fetched that a goat can make a big
difference, but try telling that to Beatrice Biira. As a
child in Uganda, she couldn't afford to go to school, not
until her mother received a goat from Heifer International,
the charitable organization. Money from the goat's milk
enabled the family to send Beatrice to school, where she
worked hard and earned a scholarship to Connecticut College.
What a fantastic animal -- the goat, not Beatrice, though
she's a wonder herself. Not many people have ridden a
goat to America.

It helped that the goat produced offspring, becoming a dam.
The female parent of a four-legged animal is known as a dam,
the male parent a sire. If you live near a goat farm, you
probably already know this. You've probably heard the farmer
yell, "Hey, someone left the gate open again. The dam goats
are loose!"

As required by Heifer, Beatrice's family gave the goat's
first kid to another needy family, continuing the cycle of
giving. If you asked Beatrice whether you should buy
yourself another TV or give someone a goat, she might laugh
and say, "Well, I've watched American TV and let me tell
you, goats are more entertaining."

-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com  Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com

Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com