ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well if I thought finding an opening for last week's issue was easy
then this weeks was a "gimme!" ;) When the phone rings at
2:30am on Saturday morning it is never good news ... and this
past weekend was no exception ... but the news I got was
totally unexpected. One of my friends (who lives across the
street from our school) called me to inform me that my 15 year
old son and a friend had just stolen a "school bus!" ... YES I
said a school bus! They had been fooling around on the bus
for a while and found a set of keys that were hidden onboard
and decided "Why not?" And away they went! Now we live in
a pretty rural area and a school bus driving down the highway at
3:00am is pretty easy to spot ... so I was able to chase it down
and force it to stop...the driver (not my son) took off into the bush,
and my son just sat there wondering why I was chasing him down
in a stolen school bus at 3:00am! I know that 90% of you are now
laughing at our expense ...and now that it has settled in a bit we
are laughing a bit more too...but you just gotta wonder WTF were
they thinking? Oh and before you ask what my 15 year old was
doing up and out at that time ...as far as I knew he was fast
asleep in bed ... he had stuffed his bed with pillows and clothes
so that he could sneak out for the night.
On a lighter note ... the rest of our family (sans my 15 year old)
attended the Brandon Air Show in Brandon, Manitoba on Sunday
and it was incredible ... we got to see Canada's Snowbirds perform
and they are incredible to watch. 9 planes flying in formation and
performing all sorts of stunts ... a pleasure to see. Also got to get
up close and personal with a CF-18 and see some of the things it
can do ... the roar from the engines as the afterburner kicks in is
amazing and watching it spin and roll at Mach 1.8 takes your
breath away. This is the first time I have attended an airshow...
but I am hooked!
Just for the record ... I am totally ignoring the decision in the
Michael Jackson case ...hopefully now he will just go and
"Beat It!"
And finally ... some of you thought that my treatment of "Cliff" last
week was a little rough ... and some of you applauded me ...so guess
what? Cliff is still among us (unless he figured it out himself)... so
he will continue to be the butt of my jokes. For anyone else who
would like to leave ...please send a nicely worded request ...or
just reply with the subject line "unsubscribe" and it will be taken
care of! Swearing doesn't make the process work any easier.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Laura, Stan, JB, Dawn,
Nana, Irish Warlock, Unicorn.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three
times."
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Man Jewelry Do's and Don'ts (Mostly Don'ts)
I've never been the kind of Guy to wear jewelry, at least not on a
long-term basis, and only certain kinds. I've worn the occasional class
ring, a gold chain for a couple months, and a nice cameo brooch when I
wanted to feel pretty. And of course I've worn my wedding ring every day
without fail for the last eleven-and-a-half years, partly because it's a
symbol of my undying love for my wife, but mostly because she'd choke
the life out of me if I ever left the house without it.
But I draw the line at Man Jewelry. Pinkie rings, huge gold necklaces,
and the dreaded gold bracelet are strictly banned from my person.
It's not that I'm opposed to Man Jewelry, it's just that I don't think
men should wear it. Ever.
Okay, that may be a little too extreme, so I'll just limit it to Guys.
If it's something your wife would wear, you should not (the one
exception being that cameo brooch on those special occasions).
By now, I'm sure you're asking, "What about the entertainment industry?
There are all sorts of exceptions there, like Justin Timberlake and his
necklace, Harrison Ford and his earring, or Brad Pitt and his multiple
nipple piercings!" But you'd be wrong. None of them are Guys.
Man Jewelry does have a home in the sporting world however. There's
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis and his Super Bowl ring, Mike
Tyson and his gold tooth and to-die-for face tattoo, and Indianapolis
Colts quarterback Peyton Manning and his multiple nipple piercings. And
these Guys can pull it off without question. They've already proved
their strength and their ability to dish out and take a beating. That,
and any one of them could pound me into a senseless lump.
However, even for these Guys there's a limit, and the question becomes
"how much is too much?"
I'm the first to admit that on most Guys, a pierced ear looks pretty
cool. I even had one myself. But I have to draw the line when ancient Ed
Bradley from "60 Minutes" or rickety Harrison Ford show up sporting a
diamond stud. I'm nearly 38, and I'm too old for one. No way a guy 20
years older than me should be wearing one. It clashes with their sock
garters.
And I definitely draw the line at the whole earring/necklace/pinkie ring
ensemble. It's a bit much for anyone who isn't a former boxing world
champion with a well-earned reputation for savagely biting his
opponents' ears off.
As luck would have it, I had a chance to see this combination a few
weeks ago, when I encountered the perfect storm of money, Man Jewelry,
and a mid-life crisis at an area restaurant.
My wife and I were out to dinner, and I had --wisely, I thought --
called in our reservations earlier that day. As we were waiting to be
seated, some guy -- his outfit, his hair, and his jewelry just screaming
overcompensation and Freudian envy -- and his girlfriend cut in front of
us. A guy like this would usually escape my notice. But this one made
himself extra special by mumbling something to the hostess, slipping her
a $20 bill, and getting seated right before we did.
I was stunned partially by what I had just witnessed -- we just don't do
that in Indiana -- but mostly because I realized this guy had to be in
his late 40s, while his date was barely old enough to drink. Or be out
so late on a school night.
"Oh how nice," I said to my wife. "He's taking his daughter to
dinner."
I don't know if this jerk actually made a regular habit of bribing
restaurant hostesses, instead of calling two hours early like the rest
of us, or if he was trying to impress the young Paris Hilton wanna-be
clinging to his arm, but he needed to do something to compensate for the
desperate look of trying to reclaim something he lost two decades
earlier.
Unfortunately, the open shirt, big gold necklace, and pinkie ring just
weren't cutting it. Neither was the fact that his date's mommy wanted
her to be home by 11:00 or she was grounded. So my wife and I did the
only thing we could do in a situation like this: we cracked jokes about
them all throughout dinner.
Sure, I realize that what comes around, goes around, and that I could
face my own mid-life crisis in the next ten or 12 years. But I also
realize that I won't regain it with Man Jewelry, a sports car, or a
younger woman. I'm going to do what any sensible guy should do when he
starts to feel the ravages of age descend upon him: lots and lots of
plastic surgery.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Safeway Supermarket
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador
Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the
curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?Stay! Stay!"
Cliff, who happened to be parked close by, gave me a strange
look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
It's been a bit boring around here lately, with all the rain we've been
getting every day for more than a week.
I heard the local "Y" was looking for some part time help so I
checked
it out and volunteered to inspect their female joggers for joggers'
nipples.
"The pay's lousy, but I'm sure the tips are going to be great!"
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a
fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host
answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and
no socks on... just a pair of pants. "What the hell are you supposed
to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation." said the man
- "I
just came in my pants!"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Daddy's Garage
by Sheila Moss
Daddy has always had an outside building of some sort. Some
men have sheds or barns, but Daddy's private place was always
a garage. The garage was a "man place" where he could keep
his tools and automotive stuff, a place to call his own away
from the women in the family.
Daddy's garage has tool benches that he made himself at some
point in time so long ago that the exact date has faded into
oblivion. He keeps all his tools there, hammers, saws,
screwdrivers, and gadgets that I don't even know the name of,
much less how to use. Each one has it's place in the structure
of his life and only he knows where it belongs.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/garage.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/garage.htm
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, the professor
commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen
woman and one who has merely slipped. "
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with
several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of
the congregation were really upset with you when you cut
them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in
the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to
speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Serbian man who has invented a sex machine for women is
appealing to western women to test his device. Nesa Proka,
from the central town of Krusevac, made the appeal after
failing to find any willing Serbian women. He has taken
out a patent on what he says is the "ultimate sex aid"
for lonely women after spending three years working on
it. The machine, which runs on a 390 volt electric engine,
simulates sex and has a seven and a half inch artificial
'penis'. He said: "My sex machine has an artificial penis
that can make up to 180 moves in a minute. A man can only
manage that intensity of movement for about five seconds
but the machine can do it for as long as the woman wants.
"And it comes with a set of controls to fully regulate the
speed and intensity a woman for individual sex." But Proka
said he would have to market it in the west because he had
not been able to find any Serbian woman to test it out.
"Western women are more liberal. I couldn't find a woman
here to try the sex machine," he told local daily Glas
Javnosti. But he did admit that some local women were
curious about his invention and a few had come into his
garage where he keeps it locked away just to look at it.
One reportedly told the newspaper: "If I had a machine
like that at home I would never go outside the front door."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the
family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll
make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred
people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that?
We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for
us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers.
We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and
dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little
bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly
from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk
to the cemetery."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
GUANTANAMO, CUBA----ACCORDING TO THE PENTAGON, PRISONERS HAVE COMMITTED
SEVERAL HUNDRED ACTS CLASSIFIED BY THE MILITARY AS"SELF-INJURIOUS
MANIIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR." (TIME/6/6)
Like watching reality shows on network television.
NEW YORK----TROJAN BECAME THE FIRST CONDOM MAKER TO AIR A COMMERCIAL ON
NETWORK TELEVISION DURING WB'S "SMALLVILLE." (USA/5/31)
Next week they plan to appeal to the other half of their regular
customers during the airing of Tom Hank's "Big."
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be
purchasing the Columbia House music club. While terms
weren't announced, analysts believe Bertelsmann will
pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Did you hear the one about the man who thought he was a rubber band?
His psychiatrist told him to snap out of it!
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"PUBLIC BREAST-FEEDING: DON'T HATE IT, EMBRACE IT"
At some point, it's going to happen. My 15-month-old
daughter, Divya, will grow up and relinquish her rights to
my wife's breasts. "It's all yours, Dad," she will say. "I'm
done."
Don't get me wrong: It's not like I'm eager or anything.
It's not like I'm putting up signs in our home that say,
"Cow's milk: It's udderly delicious." It's not like I'm
longing for the days when I could watch swimming on TV
without feeling nostalgic every time the announcer says,
"Coming up next: the breaststroke."
I really don't begrudge my daughter's breast attachment,
even if the word "monopoly" no longer makes me think of the
board game. I'm glad she's being breast-fed, I'm glad she's
enjoying it so much and I'm glad she's staying away from my
nipples. Yes, men do have nipples, the purpose of which was
unknown for thousands of years, until a group of college
students discovered, quite brilliantly, how easy it is to
hang rings from them.
If men produced milk, perhaps breast-feeding would be more
common, perhaps public breast-feeding would be widely
accepted. Just picture rap star 50 Cent on TV saying, "I
breast-feed everywhere I go: At the post office, in the
grocery store, even in the record studio. Nothing makes me
feel good like nursing my son, Dime."
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that women
breast-feed their babies for at least a year, though formula
can be introduced after the first six months and root beer
after the first six years.
About 70 percent of American women choose to breast-feed,
but more than two-thirds give up within six months,
according to the New York Times. That's partly because they
face various obstacles, not the least of which is the stigma
attached to public breast-feeding. Some people are
uncomfortable at the sight of a baby being breast-fed, the
same people who would simply turn their heads when they spot
two teen-agers going at it hot and heavy, locking their lips
and making more sucking sounds than the baby.
Some restaurants and other businesses even go to the extent
of asking breast-feeding moms to either shut the faucet off
or leave. "It's nothing against breast-feeding," Scotty
Stroup, a restaurant owner in Round Rock, Texas, told the
Times. "It's about exposing yourself for people who don't
want to see it." I'm not sure which breast-feeding moms he
has seen, but apparently one of them walked around the
restaurant with her breasts hanging out, offering to feed
everyone. "Come and get it. A shot of protein."
Truth is, most breast-feeding moms try to be discreet. My
wife always covers herself and turns away from people. She
doesn't want to put herself on display, doesn't want to hear
an announcement: "Attention shoppers. A woman is
breast-feeding in Aisle 5. Please do not run. There's plenty
of space around her."
I'm surprised more business owners don't welcome and
accommodate breast-feeding. The only restaurants that seem
to encourage breast-feeding are the ones that serve fried
chicken. Unfortunately my daughter, Divya, doesn't run after
those breasts.
If you own a restaurant, it may make sense to divide it into
two sections. When women arrive, ask them their preference:
"Breast-feeding or non-breast-feeding." When men arrive, ask
them their preference, too: "Mask or binoculars."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com