ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Some days it is a challenge to find a good opening for my ezine ... but
thanks to "Cliff" this week was easy. I received a
"not-so-nicely"
worded email from Cliff after last week's issue. He "demanded"
to
be removed from the list. Now it is always my thing to be as helpful
as possible to people who request to get off the list ... but take
a look at what Cliff wrote me:
"Will you, once and for all, stop sending me this fucking crap! I have
never asked for it and I've never read it but you persist in sending
this utter drivel. Get a fucking life you sad excuse for a human
being. Bet your mother is a fucking whore!"
Now I ask you ... is that nice? So needless to say ... Cliff is still
reading this week's issue ... and to top it off .. I have his email
on a permanent block ... so it could be a while before poor Cliff
figures out how to "get-off!" Enjoy this week's issue Cliff
...maybe
next week I will have someone else to poke fun at ...or maybe not.
On a lighter note ...I went to see Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith
last week and personally there just seemed to be a bit wrong with
it. I found it was all action and no substance and personally I thought
the Anakin to Darth Vader thing was a little weak. I also thought
that there was a lot of misplaced comedy in the movie. It was good
to see the conclusion of Lucas' dream ... but I guess I just expected
more. After almost 30 years of production you would think that the
movie would be incredible ...and it just wasn't IMHO. It is certainly
a "must-see" movie ... but not THE movie of the year. I think
the
remake of "War Of The Worlds" with Tom Cruise will be this
summer's big hit.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Amy, Susan, Stan, Nana,
Donald, Joanie, Unicorn.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
The Crack of the Bat, the Roar of the Children
"Okay, everyone, we're finally here at the baseball game."
"That's right, Buddy, baseball. You sure like saying that word, don't
you? You say it every time I do."
"Baseball."
"Baseball."
"Okay, that's enough."
"Where does everyone want to sit? Honey, you sit between me and Mommy.
Sweetie, you sit next to Mommy, and Buddy, you can sit on my lap."
"Is everyone settled? Okay, now we can watch the baseball game."
"Yes, Buddy, baseball."
"Yeah, I'm a little hungry. What are you getting?"
"But I don't want to go."
"I'd rather watch the game."
"Are you going to sit here and answer every single question the kids
have?"
"I'll have a barbecue chicken sandwich. And peanuts. It's not a baseball
game -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- without peanuts."
"What, Honey?"
"The Fort Wayne Wizards."
"No, the Wizards."
"Not Lizards. Wizards."
"Yes, I know that green guy looks like a lizard, but that's their
mascot. He's a dragon."
"Dinger."
"A dinger is another name for a home run. That's why they call him
Dinger the Dragon."
"A home run is when a guy hits the baseball out -- yes, Buddy,
baseball
-- of the park. He gets to run around all the bases and he scores a run
for his team."
"Yes, Honey, they're all happy when he does that."
"What, Sweetie? That's the pitcher. He throws the ball to the catcher.
He wants to keep the batter from hitting the ball."
"If the batter hits the ball, he tries to see how far he can run. He
wants to get to as many bases as he can before the other guys get him
out."
"Then he has to go sit back down in the dugout."
"No, he's not in trouble."
"He's just out, that's why. That's the way baseball is -- yes,
Buddy,
baseball -- played."
"Do you see that guy with the bat? He's batting for the Wizards -- no,
Honey, Wizards. We want him to get a hit."
"Hey, he hit it! And it's -- oh no, the outfielder caught it. That means
he's out."
"No, Honey, he's not sad. He gets another turn later."
"The next guy is up to bat. Let's see how he does."
"Good cut! Alright! He's on first."
"Because that's as far as he could run."
"No, he's not tired. The other team would have gotten him out if he had
kept running, then he would have to sit down too. You see, once the team
gets three outs, the other team gets to bat."
"Then they do that eight more times."
"Because otherwise the game would be too short."
"Oh no, double play!"
"That's when the other team gets two of our guys out at once."
"Well, when the guy on first is running to second and -- oh good,
Mommy's here with the food."
"Did you get peanuts? It's just not a baseball game -- yes, Buddy,
baseball -- without peanuts."
"Yes, you can all have some peanuts. Just eat your dinner first."
"No, Sweetie, I don't know who that man is."
"No, I don't know who he's calling a bum."
"That's just what happens at baseball games."
"Yes, Buddy, baseball."
"Baseball."
"Okay, that's enough."
"Alright, now our team is on the field."
"No, Honey, the Wizards."
"Our pitcher wants to keep their batter from hitting the ball. Those
other men out on the field will try to keep the batter from running too
far if he hits it."
"No, they won't tackle him. That's football."
"Yes, Buddy, football."
"Well, they're supposed to catch the ball and throw it to the man who's
covering the base. Then that guy tries to tag him out."
"No, they won't hit him. That's boxing."
"You'll just have to watch. I'll try to explain it as we go along."
"Ooh, good hit. Now watch that man way out there. He caught it! That
means that the batter is out. If he can catch the ball before it hits
the ground, the batter is out."
"That's just the rules of the game."
"Okay, new batter. Let's see if we can keep him from getting a hit."
"Well, no, not us. The team. We're just here to watch. They're the ones
who are actually playing the game."
"Because it creates a sense of pride and camaraderie and -- never mind.
Just watch the game."
"Excellent! He struck out. That's two outs."
"That means that he missed the baseball -- yes, Buddy, baseball --
three times. Just one more batter and the Wizards are back up to bat."
"No, Honey, Wizards."
"Is everyone finished with dinner? Who wants peanuts?"
"That's right, Sweetie, it's just not a, uhh, ball game without
peanuts."
"Yes, Buddy, peanuts."
"Peanuts."
"Okay, that's enough."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road
was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine
slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was
anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately,
he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look
at the engine and feel despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
he cursed that he had not put in new batteries. Suddenly, through
the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of
the hood. "Who said that?" he called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the
fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white
horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight
and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned
the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a
short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a
large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse,
you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher,
"because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
I don't think that movies are too violent. But I do think that popcorn
is too expensive, and this can often lead to violence.
-Lev L. Spiro
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Anyone Notice The Squished Kid
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/squished.shtml ">Anyone
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How It Happened
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howithappened.shtml
">How It
Happened</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
what is this guy on?
<a href=" http://hamjudo.com/cgi-bin/refrigerator ">pauls
extra refrigerator</a>
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To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing
a tiny necklace cell phone for women.
It's on a chain - you wear it around your neck - it hangs
down right here to a woman's cleavage.
The only problem women have with it; when it rings,
every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
What disease did cured ham actually have?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Hey, I Found Daddys Toy
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Incredible
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/incredible.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/incredible.shtml
">Incredible</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long
penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "That's just like my Cliffs's."
"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Once Upon a Renaissance
by Sheila Moss
Once upon a time in a land far away... Well, actually, it is just a
few miles down the road... There was a magical kingdom called the
Renaissance Faire. These festivals apparently take place all over
the country as a celebration of something or another - I'm not
exactly sure what.
Basically, the participants try to go back in time to days of yore,
i.e., medieval times, chivalry, and 16th century life. While these
are not exactly the merry old days they are cracked up to be, what
with all the duels, wars, and beheadings attributed to this period,
there still seems to be a sort of story-book romance attached to
this period - the stuff that fairy tales are made of.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/renaissance.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/renaissance.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The college freshman had gone to sleep in English class, so the
professor threw a book at him. "What hit me?" asked the
freshman,
startled. "That," replied the professor, "was a flying
Chaucer."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling
12% liked the dominance
78% liked the fucking silence
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Texas Limo
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/texaslimo.shtml ">Texas
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Moo
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ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A German man who was mugged in a night club was mugged
again two more times while waiting for the police.
Reiner Hamer, 27, from Oberhausen, lost his wallet
containing $250.00 and his mobile phone when three
men attacked him in the toilet of his local night
club. He called police from outside the club using
a friend's mobile, but while he waited for them to
arrive he was approached by three other men, who
stole his watch and cigarettes. As he leaned back
against the wall to recover, another five men
approached him and again threatened him, stealing
his jacket and the last of the small change.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Cliff was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he
swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and
down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield
of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of
his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced
off three cars.
Cliff raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to
find that no one was hurt.
Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Cliff
standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just
what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Cliff looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is
change my grip."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon!]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his
surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.
Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not
be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I
haven't had
one of these for 30 years!"
The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for
all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time".
The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have
mass
in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"
The doctor replied "You have two options ... either I can administer
an
injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and
make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there
and relieve yourself."
Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to
him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as
the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and
begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards,
who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.
The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian
organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?"
Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents,
saying "Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you.
Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the
scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside
world."
Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, "But this
is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I'll lose the money I
could have sold the photographs for!"
The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate
you.
How about $100,000?"
Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile
attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he
is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's, with the
offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese
tourist:
"Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,"
says the
man, "how much you pay for it?"
"Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must
confess that
I paid $100,000 for it."
"Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw you
coming!"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why did the guy like his job at the sex-change clinic?
He met a lot of new women.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"AN ARROWSMITH RECORD WE CAN DANCE TO"
If you're a sports fan, you've probably marveled at a
variety of accomplishments, such as Phil Jackson's nine NBA
titles, Tiger Woods' nine major championships, and David
Beckham's nine stunning tattoos.
But if you really want to be impressed, check out what Percy
and Florence Arrowsmith have accomplished: 80 years of
marriage.
That's a tremendous feat, especially when most Hollywood
marriages crumble before the ink has dried on the prenuptial
agreement. As one actor said, "Eighty years of marriage!
Wow! I'd be happy with 80 days of marriage."
As reported by the Associated Press, the Arrowsmiths, of
Hereford, England, tied the knot on June 1, 1925. It was
such a long time ago that their wedding picture was etched
on the wall of a cave. Florence wore lambskin; Percy a fig
leaf. He also had a bow, though he left his arrows at home.
Percy, now 105, and Florence, 100, have set two Guinness
World Records: Longest marriage for a living couple and
oldest aggregate age for a married couple. As one athlete
said, "That's amazing. Two world records and they've never
even touched steroids."
I can't even imagine being married 80 years. I got married
in my mid-30s, somewhat late in life, so I'd be happy to
enjoy 40 years of marital bliss, preferably with the same
woman.
According to the AP article, the Arrowsmiths say the key to
a long marriage is to never take an argument to bed. They
always kiss and hold hands before falling asleep. I've heard
many old couples say this, but it's hard to put into
practice, at least for me. I've often wanted to hold my
wife's hand after an argument, but our bed and couch are too
far apart. Perhaps I need a nine-foot pole.
I've been married only five years, but I've already learned
some keys to a lasting marriage:
---Have a poor memory: This may seem like a bad thing,
especially if you can't remember your wedding anniversary or
where you put the darn Viagra. But it's also a major
benefit, the sole reason many marriages survive. When people
ask me if I ever fight with my wife, I can honestly say, "I
don't remember the last time we screamed at each other."
Unfortunately, my three-year-old daughter has a sharp
memory: "It was this morning, Daddy, during breakfast. Don't
you remember? You complained about the eggs and Mom said,
'If you don't shut up, you're not getting any tonight.' And
I asked why you'd want eggs at night."
---Say you're sorry: No matter who's at fault, you shouldn't
hesitate to say you're sorry. Take, for example, an Indian
couple named Raj and Rani. Whenever Raj makes a mistake,
Rani says she's sorry.
Raj: "Whoops. Looks like I forgot to pay our electric bill
again. We just got a shut-off notice."
Rani: "Oh, Raj! I'm really sorry you're so careless. And I'm
also sorry I married you."
---Try to grow together: This is perhaps the best piece of
advice I've received. My wife and I have grown so much
together. You should see our garden.
---Show your love in various ways: I show my love by making
tea so my wife doesn't have to, by doing the dishes so my
wife doesn't have to, and by keeping up with the latest
football news so my wife doesn't have to.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com