ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
I am back ... after spending almost a week in Cape Breton Island,
Nova Scotia ... and I must say that the people of Nova Scotia are
some of the friendliest people I have ever met. They were never
without a smile on their faces and never without a greeting of
"Good Morning" ... I have to admit that their accents take a bit
of getting used to ... but other than that they are great people.
Now I only wish I could say the same thing about the area ...
but unfortunately the whole time I was there it rained and it was
really cold! I was in Nova Scotia attending a conference and didn't
have much free time ... but when I did have a bit of free time .. I
didn't feel like being outside in the drizzle and cold ... so I didn't
see much outside the resort where we were staying. I will be
back though ... and next time it will be with my family.
This trip also marked my first plane travel since 1979 and that
was an experience into itself ...while attempting to land in Halifax,
Nova Scotia ... I don't think the pilot so much as "landed" as he
just didn't "crash!"...A huge gust of wind hit the plane just before
we touched down and the plane ended up landing on one wheel
first and then "clunking" down on the runway with the other wheels.
NOT a pleasant feeling at all ... I was so glad to be on solid ground
again ... and really wasn't looking forward to the return flight ... but
returning home was easy compared to that.
And in our house ... just before I left ... we got a new addition to our
family...a "dwarf bunny" has become a member of our family. He
is
the latest in our menagerie that includes 4 goldfish, countless tropical
fish and a very overweight and very spoiled cat! Now I thought the cat
would be really put out over this new addition but she really seems to
like the bunny .. I had kidded the kids saying we should call the bunny
"cat food" ... but they seem to have chosen "Bugs"....I now
think a
much better name for the bunny is "Stuart"... because when he gets
just a little bit older we can call him "Stew!" ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Stan, JB, Irish Warlock,
Donald.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
What About a Truck That Runs on Daisies?
I've got a serious confession to make. I'm not proud of what I've done,
but I can't shoulder this terrible burden any longer. And even though my
liberal friends gasp in stunned disbelief, and my conservative friends
point their fingers and shout, "See?! See?! Hypocrisy!" I have to say
it.
I used to own an SUV.
A gas guzzling, planet wrecking "I'm changing the environment ask me
how" SUV.
I feel so guilty, like I've committed an unpardonable sin like stealing
from old people, or accepting a prepaid trip from foreign lobbyists.
Me: Hello, my name is Erik, and I'm an SUV owner.
Support Group: Hello, Erik
Me: It's been 12 months since I've owned an SUV. I still lay awake at
night, dreaming of the spacious roominess and feelings of supreme power
as I bore down on smaller, weaker drivers with 280 horses strapped under
me, CRUISING DOWN THE HIGHWAY, KNOWING I COULD HAUL A BOAT, TRAILER, AND
SMALL VILLAGE THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS AT A MOMENT'S -- uhhh, that is, I
feel shame for all the gas I consumed and ozone-killing poison I pumped
into the atmosphere.
Actually, it was my wife's SUV, which I guess makes me an enabler. But I
still carry the guilt. I used to be a strong environmentalist in my
younger days, so I felt appropriately ashamed for all the damage our SUV
was doing.
So I assuaged those feelings by driving a full-size Chevy pickup. Not
one of those Nancy-boy-it's-really-just-a-big-car SUVs. And not one of
those toy pickups that need a little windup key to get started. No, my
pickup was one of the big ones, it was appropriately dirty, and I could
haul 100 two-by-fours without missing a beat.
When I drove, car owners pulled over in fear. SUV owners glared at me in
fits of yuppie jealousy. The toy pickup drivers would hang their heads
in shame and putt-putt home.
However, the engine wasn't in great shape, and so my gas mileage was --
let's just say it was a bit on the thirsty side. It's not that it was
inefficient. . . at least not if you measured it in feet instead of
miles per gallon. Then it just sounded impressive -- 30, 45 with a
tailwind. Global oil prices would rise and fall depending on whether I
took a road trip. I finally realized I had a problem when OPEC named me
Customer of the Year over Shell Oil and ExxonMobil.
That's when my beloved truck began to conflict with my past
environmental activist tendencies, and I began to have serious doubts
about whether I should own a pickup, or switch over to a car powered
strictly by solar power and liberal guilt. Unfortunately, Indiana is a
conservative state, and it actually causes inefficiencies in the
creation of guilt -- too many knee-jerk reactions really limit how much
guilt can be created by one man -- so I decided to stick with a regular
gas combustion engine. At least until someone could create an electric
car that traveled for more than 20 miles on a single charge and didn't
look stupid.
I finally got rid of my truck when I started a new job that required an
hour long daily commute. When I started, some quick calculations showed
that I'd be spending my children's inheritance each month just to get to
work each day. And that didn't count all the extra trips to the Spotted
Owl Skeet Shooting Range on the weekends.
So I sold my truck and got a car that gets 30 miles per gallon, but gets
blown off the road whenever I get passed by a semi.
Now I can drive to and from work four times on a full tank of gas,
although it struggles to haul anything heavier than a pair of socks. And
while the toy pickup guys now point and laugh at me, at least the Nature
Conservancy gave me the Most Improved Award for 2004. I proudly display
the sticker on the passenger side window, but now the car tilts to that
side a bit.
But I think I found a compromise. In the next couple of years, Toyota
will come out with all new hybrid vehicles. Not a gas-only engine in
their entire line, including their trucks. Their new pickup promises 30
miles per gallon and 290 horsepower. And I'm seriously considering
getting one. They're energy efficient, but they're also big, macho,
manly machines. With one of those, I can be king again.
That is, if my wife lets me get one.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry
Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
you're probably the executioner.
-Elden Carnahan
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon]
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
<a href=" http://www.geocities.com/duckonator/language.html
">terrible jokes in six different languages</a>
http://www.geocities.com/duckonator/language.html
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The father had recently given his teenage daughter family-car privileges
with the adfmonition that she was to observe responsible evening hours.
On one Saturday night he suspected that she had returned home very late
from a party.
The next morning when he went out to the driveway to get the Sunday
newspaper he came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the idol of his life, his daughter, sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and he asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her dad said, "Then, my precious one, I'll going to need to
talk with that paperboy about putting my Sunday paper under the front
tire of the car."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon]
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The Numbers of the Beast
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you
know:
$665.95.................................Retail price of the Beast
$699.25......................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95.............Beast with all accessories & replacement soul
$656.66................................Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66....................Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
00666.......................................Zip code of the Beast
1-666......................................Area code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 ..........Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute
660...............................Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI.................................Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000.......................Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666....................................Number of the Millibeast
/ 666....................................Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)..........................Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010....................................Binary of the Beast
Phillips 666................................Gasoline of the Beast
$6.66 9/10..............................Price of a Beast gasoline
Route 666........................................Way of the Beast
666 F............................Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k.................................Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66%..5 year CD rate First Beast National Bank $666 min. deposit
i66686...........................................CPU of the Beast
666i............................................ BMW of the Beast
DSM-666............Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668...............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666 mg.............Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6..............................Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66.............................Word Processor of the Beast
6 h. 66 min.............................Beast Standard Time (BST)
Boeng 666..............................."A jet for the Beast Age"
Beverly Hills 66666......................Beast's favorite TV show
6/6/66................................The birth date of the Beast
666-66-6666...............The Social Security number of the Beast
6666.........................................The PIN of the Beast
25.806975............................The square root of the Beast
660...............................Approximate number of the Beast
Motel 666...........................................Beast Western
Windows 96 ver.666................................OS of the Beast
6, uh, uh..............................Number of the blonde beast
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Goin' to the Crick
by Sheila Moss
"Can I go to the creek, grandma?"
"No, I don't think that's a good idea," I said, thinking of
the possible danger.
The crick (creek) runs through a grassy field across the street
from my house. I know it is over there, but I had never paid
much attention to it except from a distance until my grandson
found out about it from the other kids.
My daughter intervened. She thought it was better to let a child
satisfy his curiosity. There is just a natural attraction between
boys and water. If he knows he can go with an adult, then he won't
try to go by himself, she reasoned. That seemed to make sense.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/creek.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/creek.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae
with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one
temperature, ma'am."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon]
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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FREE TOILET PAPER *******
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The fire department rescue squad was blocking the street when I came
home this afternoon.. They were apparently called by the female partner
of a couple for the gentleman who had suffered a heart attack, but the
squad arrived too late, the man had died.
While consoling the woman one of the firemen noticed the bed was a total
mess. and asked her what symptoms the man had suffered and if she
thought anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating,
really getting it on. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was
going.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon]
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Police in Holland caught two burglars having sex in the house
they had broken into. Neighbours of the empty house in Beuningen
alerted police after they heard suspicious noises. Officers went
to investigate and found a 39-year-old man and a woman, 35,
having sex. They told police they broke into the house only
because they were desperate to make love. Police said they
would not be charged.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer.
She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.
Amen."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[Returning Soon]
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The scene is sometime in the old era when
cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers
and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is
breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38
and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the
navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains
the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls
out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Did you read that they've finally revealed who Deep Throat
was?
Turns out it was Linda Lovelace!
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"CRYING ALL THE WAY TO THE PUB"
It may not come as a surprise to you, but the British aren't
laughing as much as they used to. It's truly a sad state of
affairs, considering the British have long been on the
forefront of laughter, giving us such comedic geniuses as
P.G. Wodehouse, Douglas Adams, and Mr. Bean. And let's not
forget the mischievous Benny Hill, who put his talented
hands into hundreds, perhaps thousands, of skirts. I mean,
skits.
Hill would be rolling in his grave if he saw the recent
laughter study, conducted by the cruise company Ocean
Village. It found that Britons are laughing an average of
only six minutes a day, which, by sheer coincidence, is also
the amount of time they spend reading about Charles and
Camilla.
Of course, six minutes may seem like a lot, especially if
you work at the immigration office, where even smiling is
forbidden. But Britons laughed three times as much in the
1950s, a healthy 18 minutes a day, according to Amanda Bate
of Ocean Village. They laughed at home, they laughed at
work, they even laughed at the proctologist's office. "Stop
it, Dr. Bhatt! That tickles!"
"The findings of this study show a worrying trend towards
glumness," Bate told the French Press Agency. Indeed, on
special occasions in London, you may even spot Queen
Elizabeth leading children in a popular song: "If you're
glum and you know it, clap your hands!"
The study showed that about 40 percent of Britons don't even
get one belly laugh a day on average.
London woman: "What's a belly laugh? Can't say I've heard of
it."
Husband: "It's what Americans do. They see someone with a
big belly and they laugh at them."
So why are the British not laughing much? It depends on whom
you ask.
American comedian: "I'm not surprised the Brits aren't
laughing. Have you ever watched a British comedy? LOL!
Laughing out little."
British comedian: "Well, have you ever watched an American
comedy? LOL! Leaving out laughter."
American: "Oh, get real, man. Even our politicians are
funnier than yours."
Briton: "That's true, old chap. George Bush has a funnier
face than Tony Blair."
Ask a historian about the laughter decline and her theory
will be slightly different: "The British used to laugh a
lot, but that was during the days of the British Empire,
when they controlled the world. When they found diamonds in
South Africa, they laughed. When they found gold in Southern
Rhodesia, they laughed. When they found Gandhi organizing
non-violent resistance in India, they really laughed."
But the Ocean Village study suggests other reasons for the
laughter decline, including concerns about money and
relationships. Lack of money can certainly affect the amount
of laughter in your life. Have you seen how much the
Seinfeld DVD costs? Tickets to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up
show are so expensive, you'll have to charge them to
American Express. But you'll be following the wisdom of
the day: Laugh now, cry later.
As Bate points out, "Laughter is an essential ingredient of
a healthy, happy life and is one of the most effective and
immediate antidotes to stress and tension -- it really is
the best medicine." That's why it's important for other
countries to share their laughter secrets with Britain:
America: "Don't make people have to go to the circus to see
clowns. Give them their own TV shows."
Spain: "Let the bulls run through the streets. Then visit
the hospital and laugh at all the idiots."
India: "Elect movie stars to public office. They'll
entertain you every day, without making you buy a ticket."
France: "Use a bidet. It tickles."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com