ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
American Idol has started again and the search for talent is
underway ... obviously the 4th season is not bringing us any
great surprises as the fools who think they can sing as still
coming out in droves. The first set of auditions took place
in Washington, DC and over 21,000 tried out. If I remember
correctly only 42 were chosen to go on to the next round.
Doesn't that tell you something? Maybe it is time for all
you "wannabees" to really listen to your voice carefully
BEFORE you try out ... maybe then you will realize that
your voice sounds worse than fingernails on a chalkboard!
Spare us all your grief ... stay home ... let the real talent
try out for a change.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Laura, Rubin, Stan,
Unicorn, Jack, Barbara, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing screwed up by a period.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our
small Tennessee town.
From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and
soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly
accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young
mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:
Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the
stranger? He was our storyteller.
He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries
and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or
science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the
present and even seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh,
and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't
seem to mind. Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us
were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would
go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for
the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger
never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not
allowed in our home .. not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that
burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even
for cooking.But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He
talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my
parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he
was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today you
would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to
listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?
We just call him TV.
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Carol Heiss Jenkins New York City NY, figure skater
(Olympics-gold/silver-56, 60)
1940 Jorge Peixinho composer
1941 Ronald Townson rock vocalist (5th Dimension-Aquarius)
1942 Slim Whitman yodeler/country singer (Home on the Range)
1943 Roeland HG "Roel" van Duyn Dutch Provo politician
1944 Isao Okano Japan, middleweight judo (Olympics-gold-1964)
1944 Eddie Shah English publisher (Today, Post)
1944 Lieven Soete Dutch publicist (Molotov-Ribbentrop-pact)
1945 Eric Stewart rock guitarist (10CC-I'm Not in Love)
1945 Peter Beckwith English real estate developer/multi-millionaire
1946 David Lynch Missoula MT, actor/director (Blue Velvet, Dune, Eraserhead,
Twin Peaks)
1947 George Grantham rocker (Poco-Crazy Eyes)
1947 Malcolm McLaren founded rock group (Sex Pistols-God Save the Queen)
1948 Jerry L Ross Indiana, Lieutenant-Colonel USAF/astronaut (STS 61B, 27, 37,
55, 74, 88)
1948 Anatoly Shcharansky Soviet human rights activist/migr
1948 Melvyn John Pritchard England, rocker (Barclay James Harvest)
1949 Ivana Trump former wife of Donald
1949 Kieron Walsh academic
1950 Henk Batenburgh cabaret performer/singer (Waaldrecht)
1951 Magomed Omarovich Tolboyev Russian cosmonaut
1952 Ian Hill bass guitarist (Judas Priest-Breakin the Law)
1952 Paul Stanley [Eisen], rock guitarist (KISS-Beth)
1955 Joe Doherty Ireland, IRA activist (jailed in US)
1955 Michael Anthony rock bassist/singer (Van Halen-Pretty Woman, Jump, 1984)
1956 John Naber US, 100m/200m backstroke swimmer (Olympics-4 gold-1976)
1956 Bill Maher comedian (Politically Incorrect)
1956 John McNally Naha Okinawa, US rapid fire pistol (Olympics-84, 88, 92, 96)
1956 John Phillips Naber Evanston IL, swimmer (Olympics-4 gold/silver-76)
1957 Leonard C Clements Cherry Point NC, PGA golfer (1994 Bob Hope-2nd)
1958 Lorenzo Lamas Los Angeles CA, actor (Lance-Falcon Crest, California Fever)
1959 Lea Antonoplis West Covina CA, tennis star
1963 Scott Fisher San Jose CA, Australian basketball forward (Olympics-96)
1964 Ozzie Guillen Oculare del Tuy Venezuela, shortstop (Chicago White Sox)
1964 Roger Smith Freeport Bahamas, tennis doubles player
1964 Ron Harper NBA guard (Chicago Bulls)
1964 Victoria Sellers London England, actress (Crime Zone, Warlords)
1965 Brad Brink US baseball pitcher (San Francisco Giants, Philadelphia
Phillies)
1966 Tia Carrere Honolulu HI, actress (Wayne's World, General Hospital)
1966 Bert Weidner NFL guard (Miami Dolphins)
1966 Chris Morris NBA forward (Utah Jazz)
1966 Rich Gannon NFL quarterback (Kansas City Chiefs)
1966 Tracii Guns rock guitarist (LA Guns-It's Over Now)
1967 Joe Pasquale rocker (Prey)
1967 Mark Stepnoski NFL center (Houston/Tennessee Oilers)
1967 Stacey Dash Bronx NY, actress (Dionne-Clueless)
1968 Junior Murray cricketer (West Indies keeper, no relation to Derryck or
David)
1968 Nick Anderson NBA guard/forward (Orlando Magic)
1969 Tia Marie Zorne Las Vegas NV, Miss America-Nevada (1990)
1969 Andre Romal Cason Virginia Beach VA, 100m runner
1969 Melissa Rivers New York City NY, TV hostess (MTV, CBS Morning News)
1970 Anita St Rose Miss Great Britain-Universe (1996)
1970 Dennis Hulshof soccer player (Go Ahead Eagles)
1970 Deon Figures cornerback (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1970 Marvin Benard Bluefields Nicaragua, outfielder (San Francisco Giants)
1970 Rob Gaudreau Lincoln, NHL center (Ottawa Senators)
1970 Ron Carpenter NFL/WLAF safety (New York Jets, Amsterdam Admirals)
1970 Skeet Ulrich actor (Scream)
1970 Terry Kirby NFL running back (Miami Dolphins, San Francisco 49ers)
1970 Thomas "Tom" Murray Buffalo NY, rower (Olympics-1996)
1971 Alan Young NFL defensive end (New York Jets)
1971 Andrei Skabelka NHL forward (Belarus, Olympics-98)
1971 Johnny Mitchell NFL tight end (New York Jets)
1971 Karin Smith Miss Minnesota USA (1996)
1972 Alcides Catanho NFL outside linebacker (New England Patriots)
1973 Eddie Kennison wide receiver (St Louis Rams)
1973 Jalen Rose NBA guard (Denver Nuggets)
1974 Calvin Harrison Orlando Florida, 200m/400m runner
1974 Rae Carruth wide receiver (Carolina Panthers)
1977 Paul "Goggo" Adams cricketer (lefty very unorthodox bowler for
South Africa)
....and on this day in history:
1941 Bla Bartk's 6th string quartet, premieres in New York City NY
1942 Nazi officials hold notorious Wannsee conference in Berlin deciding on
"final solution" calling for extermination of Europe's Jews
1942 Japanese air raid on Rabaul New Britain
1942 Japanese invade Burma
1943 Lead SD, temp is 52F, while 1.5 miles away Deadwood SD records -16F
1943 Operation-Weiss Assault of German, Italian, Bulgarian & Croatian
1944 RAF drops 2300 ton bombs on Berlin
1945 FDR sworn-in for an unprecedented 4th term as President
1946 F Gouin follows De Gaulle as temporary leader of French government
1947 Brigadier General Edwin K Wright, USA, becomes deputy director of CIA
1949 President Truman announces his point 4 program
1949 J Edgar Hoover gives Shirley Temple a tear gas fountain pen
1950 "Dance Me a Song" opens at Royale Theater New York City NY for
35 performances
1950 Suriname becomes independent part in Realm of Netherlands
1952 British army occupies Ismailiya, Suez Canal Zone
1952 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1953 1st live coast-to-coast inauguration address (Eisenhower)
1953 1st US telecast transmitted to Canada-from Buffalo NY
1954 -70F (-57C), Rogers Pass, Montana (state 48 record)
1954 Dmitri Shostakovich's "Concertino opus 94" premieres
1956 Buddy Holly records "Blue Days Black Night" in Nashville
1957 Betsy Rawls wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1957 Gomulka wins Poland's parliamentary election
1957 Morton Gould's "Declaration" premieres in Washington DC
1958 Betsy Rawls wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1958 KUED TV channel 7 in Salt Lake City UT (PBS) begins broadcasting
1959 Dmitri Shostakovich's "Moscow-Tsjerjomoesjki" premieres in
Moscow
1960 Patrice Lumumba sentenced to 6 months in Belgian Congo
1961 Robert Frost recites "The Gift Outright" at JFK's inauguration
1961 Arthur M Ramsay becomes archbishop of Canterbury
1961 Francis Poulenc's "Gloria" premieres in Boston
1961 Yugoslav ex-Vice-President Milovan Djilas flees
1962 "Kean" closes at Broadway Theater New York City NY after 92
performances
1964 "Meet The Beatles" album released in US
1965 JPL proposes modified Apollo flight to fly around Mars & return
1965 The Beatles appear on Shindig (ABC-TV)
1965 The Byrds record "Mr Tambourine Man"
1965 Generalissimo Francisco Franco meets with Jewish representatives to
discuss legitimizing Jewish communities in Spain
1968 Houston ends UCLA's 47-game basketball winning streak, 71-69
1968 US female Figure Skating championship won by Peggy Fleming
1968 US male Figure Skating championship won by Tim Wood
1969 Richard M Nixon inaugurated as President
1969 U of Arizona reports 1st optical id of pulsar (in Crab Nebula)
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side
of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out
standing in their field."
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Falling into a booby trap
by John Martin
An open letter from John Martin to Quick Perfection:
Thank you for your e-mail offering me bigger, firmer,
natural-looking breasts.
I have three questions though:
1. Do the breasts come with a woman on the other end or
do I have to have them myself?
2. If they do come accompanied, and I am not completely
satisfied with your "amazing" product after 30 days, do
I have to return the goods to get my money back? Or could
I, say, just return one of them and get half my money back?
I would appreciate a reply so I can weigh it up. I get a
lot of e-mail pitches and I feel pressured to pick something
soon.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.dunno.com.au/bigbreasts.html ">John
Martin</a>
http://www.dunno.com.au/bigbreasts.html
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their
parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call
it mass transit
-Robert Tanner
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
Exclusively at paulsfunhouse.com- Dan Sroka's Humor Network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Time I Think About You The Most
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/thinkofu.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/thinkofu.shtml ">The
Time I Think
About You The Most</a>
Menopausal Bitch
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/menopausal.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/menopausal.shtml
">Menopausal
Bitch</a>
If Paris and Lenny Mated
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hiltonkravitz.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hiltonkravitz.shtml
">If Paris and
Lenny Mated</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home
lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset
I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least
another
fifteen pounds first.
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
life's unanswered questions
<a href=" http://www.crazythoughts.com/
">crazy thoughts</a>
http://www.crazythoughts.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon
suite and exclaimed, "Wowie!"
A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look.
She said, "Oh, my gosh!"
Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall and moved the
maid out of the way. He took a look and said, "I can't
believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"
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Fun</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said
the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories.
Can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in
the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand
being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you
half-owner
of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in an office. So what am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
God probably wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
How Icemakers Really Work
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ice.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ice.shtml ">How
Icemakers Really
Work</a>
You Wish
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/uwish.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/uwish.shtml ">You
Wish</a>
I Can Be Cordial And Still Get My Message Across
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cordial.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cordial.shtml ">I Can
Be Cordial And
Still Get My Message Across</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot
of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her
son, Little Johnny, came running through the house,
BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the
pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think
of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he
said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were
one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church
secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said,
"Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what
did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed
the cat , and shot the canary."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
The sun orbits the center of the galaxy at a rate of 155m/sec
but it still takes 320 million years to make one complete
orbit.
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the
woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-
through negligee. "How do I know that?" the young woman replied.
"How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I
know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage
of a poor, defenseless female who's all alone in her house ...
and will be until 5:30pm this evening?
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Not So Honest Chat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notsohonest.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notsohonest.shtml ">Not
So Honest
Chat</a>
Friends Dont Let Friends
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nospeedos.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nospeedos.shtml
">Friends Dont Let
Friends</a>
Hard Nipples
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hardnipples.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hardnipples.shtml
">Hard Nipples</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would
you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added
them up yet."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Bite Me
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/biteme.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/biteme.shtml ">Bite
Me</a>
Starr Jones Got Married - Now I Suppose They Will Mate
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/starjones.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/starjones.shtml ">Starr
Jones Got
Married - Now I Suppose They Will Mate</a>
Look What I Caught In My Fishnet
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fishnet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fishnet.shtml ">Look
What I Caught In
My Fishnet</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A chicken called Lucky, which helped its owner pick out winning
lottery numbers, has been eaten by a fox. Lucky was rescued by
Billy Gibbons who found it close to death while he was out
walking in 2003, reports the Daily Post. A week later, while
recuperating at Mr Gibbon's Cheshire home, it tapped five
numbers into a calculator and netted its owner $2600
But Lucky's number finally came up when Mr Gibbons forgot to
lock its coop and it was snatched by a fox. Mr Gibbons, 48, said:
"I am upset if any of my chickens get killed by a fox. That was
obviously a special chicken. "I rescued it from certain death.
I think it knew that and it followed me everywhere." Mr Gibbons
is now trying to train his remaining hens to peck out numbers
too but admitted: "It's not quite the same."
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A husband and wife were dining together at a restaurant. She pointed
to a woman seated at a table and said, "There's my gynecologist, Dr.
Knowles."
"Oh," said the husband, "why don't you go over and say hi to
her?"
"That's okay," she said, "she wouldn't know my face
anyway."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] P U C K L U C
K [||||]
"The NHL's official puck supplier laid off half its staff, a result of
the hockey lockout in its 123 rd day ... "
[] Don Rickles scaling back his appearances didn't help, either.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I phoned a local delivery company to find out why the parcel our
office had sent from Monroe County to Philadelphia resulted in a
charge of several hundred dollars. Our copy of the bill listed the
correct parcel contents: one personal computer with monitor,
keyboard and mouse. The clerk came back on the line after locating
his copy. "The amount's correct, sir. That's our standard charge
for shipping a live animal."
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
A really dumb crook got even dumber as the day wore on. Thinking
he could get a few extra bucks at the ATM, our crook walked up
to a customer at the ATM in front of the bank. As the customer
got his money from the machine, our brilliant thief demanded
that the money be handed over to him. Instead of giving him
the money, the customer bolted away from the machine and ran
into the bank to report the crime.
The thief panicked and ran out into the parking lot and spotted
a man sitting in his car in the parking lot. "Give me all your
money the thief growled." "I only have ten dollars" said the
frightened man who had yet to go into the bank. The thief emptied
the man's wallet of two five dollar bills and raced out of the
parking lot, knowing that surely by now the police had been
notified.
He ran out into the street and flagged down a passing car. As the
car came to a stop, the driver opened his window and our thief held
out one of the five dollar bills telling the driver that he would
give him the five dollars if he would give him a ride. The driver
grabbed the money from his hands and sped away, leaving the thief
standing in the middle of the street.
Finally he saw his one last hope. He spotted a city bus pull up to
a nearby bus stop. He jumped on the bus convinced the he had finally
put his problems behind him. Unfortunately, his antics were spotted
by several bank customers and employees who kept the police informed
as to his whereabouts. It didn't take the police very long to find
the bus and give our hapless crook one last ride - to jail.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one
who makes all their decisions.
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DON'T SUE ME, I'M WARNING YOU"
Warning: This column may be addictive, may induce laughter,
and may produce harmful levels of optimism. Side effects
include unexpected giggling, excessive shaking, and loose
dentures. Please consult a doctor if you are pregnant,
trying to get pregnant, or were once pregnant. Please do not
use for any purpose other than intended, including lowering
blood pressure, reducing tension and relieving menstrual
cramps. Discontinue use immediately if you experience
bloating and/or severe itching.
Now that you've been sufficiently warned, I can relax and
write the rest of this column, knowing that you're less
likely to sue me. Lawsuits have prompted a multitude of
product warnings in recent years, many intended for people
who were busy reading their horoscopes when common sense was
being handed out.
On a toilet brush: "Do not use for personal hygiene." On a
children's scooter: "This product moves when used." On a
digital thermometer: "Once used rectally, the thermometer
should not be used orally." (Unless, of course, you've
scrubbed it with a toilet brush.)
Those three warnings were the top winners in the eighth
annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, sponsored by Michigan
Lawsuit Abuse Watch. The goal of the contest is to "reveal
how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a
need for common sense warnings on products."
The winning labels from previous contests seem just as
wacky, until you realize that they're also rather helpful.
On a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding." (If
necessary, the stroller may be folded, too.)
On a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the
end: "Harmful if swallowed." (Please don't tell the fish.)
On a hair dryer: "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
(Even if you keep dreaming of having great hair.)
On a household iron: "Never iron clothes while they are
being worn." (Unless you're trying to remove both layers of
wrinkles.)
On an electric drill made for carpenters: "This product not
intended for use as a dental drill." (However, you may use
it to drill your dentist.)
On a cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner."
(Trust me, it's much safer to lie in the sun.)
On a box of birthday cake candles: "Do not use soft wax as
ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion
into a body cavity." (It may be your birthday, but please
find another way to celebrate.)
On a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or
cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not
use this product." (Unless you have tested it on your skin
first.)
Those warnings may seem silly, but as Joanne Doroshow,
executive director of the Center for Justice and Democracy
in New York, told the Associated Press, "There are many
cases of warning labels saving lives. It's much better to be
very cautious." That's why I propose a few other warnings:
On a bottle of beer: "Excessive consumption of this product
may result in various acts of stupidity."
On the backseat of a car: "Wearing a seat belt will protect
you from most accidents, but probably not pregnancy."
On a marriage certificate: "Failure to remember the date on
this document may be harmful to your health."
On a motorcycle helmet: "This product may protect your
brain. Use with extreme caution."
On a women's handbag: "This product is not intended to hold
all your life's possessions."
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Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com