ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well this time next week I will be away on a trip to Canada's
East Coast. I am spending a few days on Cape Breton Island
in Nova Scotia. Hopefully the weather is nice and the flights
go okay ... I haven't flown in a jet since 1979 and haven't been
in any planes at all since 1995. I never used to be scared of
flying ... but for some reason 9-11 changed that and I am going
on this trip with just a little bit of fear ... but I am sure I will be
okay. Anyway aside from the flying this will be a great trip ..
flying from Winnipeg to Toronto to Halifax and then driving
across Nova Scotia to a very historical area where Alexander
Graham Bell lived. Hopefully I will get some time to do a little
whale watching inbetween meetings ... but at least I will be
able to smell the fresh sea-air. Returning I fly from Halifax to
Montreal and then Winnipeg ...so in all I get to see a lot of
Canada in a few days. Next week there will obviously be
no issue ... but I will try for one the following week to let
you all know how my trip went.
You would think that zookeepers would know their stuff ...
but obviously the keepers in the Assiniboine Park Zoo in
Winnipeg, Canada screwed up ... on display this year are
two African Lions ... and a couple of weeks ago the female
gave birth to twin cubs which came as a bit of surprise
because the keepers didn't know she was pregnant ...now
that is weird enough ... but trust me it gets better ...the
enclosure where the lions are being kept was also home
to a collection of ground squirrels ... the zookeepers obviously
forgot that lions are related to cats and that cats love squirrels
because all the squirrels have disappeared after becoming
lunch for the lions ... I guess they just didn't know. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Susan, Stan,
JB, Rubin, Joanie, Donald, Laura, Joseph.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I have run this column previously ... but these snakepits are fairly
close to my home ... I *almost* took my kids to them a few weeks back ...
but just didn't quite make it. -Paul
Snakes Have Feelings Too, You Know!
are publishing a column about his least favorite species.
LIKE snakes all descend on Narcisse, Manitoba every Spring to watch
the Great Snake Awakening.
garter snakes -- some estimate as many as 70,000 -- slither out from
the cracks in the limestone bedrock for the sole purpose of scaring
the bejeezus out of me.
white hot passion usually reserved for personal injury lawyers. I
scream like a girl whenever I see one (a snake, not a lawyer), and
I've already checked under my desk several times as I write this to
make sure one didn't sneak in here (both snakes and lawyers).
ground without beating them with a large stick is beyond me. But
starting on Mother's Day, snake geeks begin showing up at the
Narcisse snake dens to watch the snakes emerge from their winter
slumber to eat frogs and toads, and to mate.
Herron, a roadside snack seller, told the Associated Press. "I don't
know why anyone brings their mother to the snake dens."
Apparently their moms are weirdos too.
underground dwellings -- they haven't had anything to eat or mate
with in seven months, so they do both.
ritual, where dozens of horny male snakes climb onto the back of a
single female snake in the hopes of making more snakes. Some of
these romantic pursuits are known as mating balls. And because the
spectacle is such a popular one, there's even a statue of two mating
snakes on the road leading to the romantic reptilian rendezvous.
two snakes wrestling?"
suitors slither away, and leave their comrade to a lifetime of
taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. Later in the summer, 20
to 50 more law students -- I mean, baby snakes -- are born as a
result of the coupling, but happily for snake haters like me, only
two percent survive into adulthood.
birds of prey, like hawks and owls, weasels, foxes, and raccoons. So
if you're ever looking for a charity to support, please consider
making a donation to the Hawks, Owls, Weasels, Foxes, and Raccoons
Defense Fund.
Narcisse snake dens (i.e. the "Head Weirdo"), told the AP that the
dens are ". . . a great opportunity to pass on information about
these snakes and their stewardship. We try to teach a little more
tolerance of the fact these creatures live around us."
staying right here in my own little corner of the world where the
lawn mower blade is always sharp, and the snakes are in short
supply. And are much shorter after I mow the lawn.
pheromone that attracts them to the female. However, he wasn't sure
why some male snakes also give off the female pheromone. Possibly to
confuse rival males, he said.
website that these "she-male" snakes are twice as lucky at mating
than the non-pheromone producing males. She also agrees that
the "she-male" snakes do confuse the other male snakes during the
mating season. However, snake scientists agree that it's not
uncommon for young male snakes to be confused about their sexuality
at times, and that it's all just part of growing up. . . not that
there's anything wrong with that.
marshes to hang out for the summer, drink beer, and tell stories
about how they're suing McDonald's because their client ate there
every day for 20 years and got fat. In the fall, the snakes who
weren't eaten or disbarred make their way back to their limestone
offices to sleep for another seven months, and the whole process
starts all over again.
willies, and to swear on a snakeskin-jacketed Bible never to set
foot near the Narcisse snake dens.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Ole, while not a brilliant man, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame
grew
and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a
stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was
the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was
NO
object -she was willing to pay $5,000.00. Not wanting to get into trouble
with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and
conferred with Lena
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya
shure, yoo betcha, I'll paint yoo in da nute, but I'll heff ta leave on my
socks so I'll heff a place to vipe my brush."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The
all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of
course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy
Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
--Dennis Miller
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
New Species of Lizard Found in S. Florida
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/newlizard.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/newlizard.shtml ">New
Species of
Lizard Found in S. Florida</a>
Its Cheaper Than Dating
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cheaper.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cheaper.shtml ">Its
Cheaper Than
Dating</a>
If You Want Breakfast In Bed
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/breakfastbed.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/breakfastbed.shtml ">If
You Want
Breakfast In Bed</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
doesn't get much plainer than this
<a href=" http://www.bullwinkle.org/
">bull winkle</a>
http://www.bullwinkle.org/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants
having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by
the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job?
We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me
being a Southern boy I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do
I."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Let's See Him Sell Insurance Now
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nogecko.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nogecko.shtml ">Let's
See Him Sell
Insurance Now</a>
How I Am Feeling These Days
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/idontgivea.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/idontgivea.shtml ">How
I Am Feeling
These Days</a>
Dry Cleaners For Golfers
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golf1.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golf1.shtml ">Dry
Cleaners For
Golfers</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the
birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the
hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the
morning?"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Suggestions for Summer
by Sheila Moss
With winter over and summer on its way, people are beginning
to plan exactly how they will spend the long, lazy days and
enjoy their favorite season. As usual, I have a few
suggestions for you:
EXERCISE: This is easily accomplished without fuss while
mowing grass. Grass, as every one knows, grows one inch per
minute in the summer. That means that if you run as fast as
you can while pushing the power mower in front of you, you
can finish the yard at least 30 minutes before it is tall
enough to mow again.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/summer.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/summer.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Every year, after the Oxford & Cambridge Boat Race, the Duchess who
presents the trophy also kisses the winning team's cox. When she was
first told of this tradition she asked if formal handshakes would be an
acceptable substitute.
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
The First Two Husbands
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/first2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/first2.shtml ">The
First Two
Husbands</a>
Vermont State Quarter
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vermontq.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vermontq.shtml ">New
Vermont State
Quarter</a>
New South Dakota Quarter
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sdakotaq.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sdakotaq.shtml ">New
South Dakota
Quarter</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing only an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from
a difficult 4 hour operation. A young student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. " Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, " I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other. Then she takes a closer look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and says very
slowly, "thank you very much, that was wonderful, but listen
very very closely, "Are... my....test......results.......back?"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Of Course I Love You
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ofcourse.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ofcourse.shtml ">Of
Course I Love
You</a>
Yes I Took My Prozac Today
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/prozc.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/prozc.shtml ">Yes I
Took My Prozac
Today</a>
They Lied
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/theylied.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/theylied.shtml ">They
Lied</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
An off-duty policeman's gun went off twice as he pulled
down his pants to use the toilet, injuring a man. Officer
Craig Clancy was attending a car auction in San Antonio
when nature called. As he undid his trousers, the gun
fell from its holster. Officer Clancy tried to catch it,
but accidentally fired two bullets when his finger
grabbed the trigger by mistake. Police spokesman Gabe
Trevino told said, "As Clancy tried to stop the gun from
hitting the ground, his finger entered the trigger guard,
which cause the weapon to go off twice. "The first bullet
went through the wall of the cubicle and through the
pants of a man, grazing his leg." The injured man, who was
washing his hands at the time, was taken to hospital. The
Texan police department for internal affairs is investigating
the incident.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Headlines from the year 2029!
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally
known as California. White minorities still trying to
have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by
Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned
all smokin
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key
to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast
shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth
shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their
civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
BANGOR, MA----AIR FRANCE JET BOUND FOR BOSTON IS SENT TO MAINE WHEN
FLIER'S NAME APPEARS ON A NO-FLY LIST, BUT THE SPELLING WAS ONE LETTER
OFF. (USA/5/13)
"Jesus Christ" turned out to be "Judith Crist."
TAMPA, FL----AT PARADISE LAKES NUDIST RESORT, 510 HOUSING UNITS STARTING
AT $250,000 SOLD OUT BEFORE CONSTRUCTION BEGAN. (USA/5/13)
And those were the stripped-down models.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept
them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a
beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the
party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man
here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who
can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As
soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash
in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and
the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side
of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic!
I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the
bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy
catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I
don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains,
but you'd be surprised at how many reenlist.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DON'T KEEP ME ALIVE, UNLESS ..."
I, Melvin Durai, being of sound mind and body, and concerned
about the possibility of being kept alive in a vegetative
state, either through a ventilator or other means, hereby
declare that no judge or politician shall have a say in any
decision regarding my life. Any such decision shall be made
solely by consulting a Living Will -- either Will Smith or
Will Ferrell.
If neither of these actors is alive or able to exercise
their "willpower," then this document shall serve as the
final authority in determining whether to keep me alive,
unless of course my wife still wants me around for tax
purposes.
She has the right to keep me alive, but not to disconnect my
ventilator or remove my feeding tube, unless she and my
children decide that it would minimize the suffering, lessen
the pain, for them to collect my life insurance.
It is important, however, that I express my wishes, even if
my wife has the right to overrule them, as she takes great
pleasure in doing.
I do not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, even
if that state happens to be Florida. The vegetation in a
state is immaterial to me, especially if I'm stuck in a
hospital bed. The only vegetation that interests me these
days is that Bush in Washington D.C.
I do not want to be kept alive if I'm judged to be
brain-dead, never mind that most people have already made
that judgment. Medical doctors are well-qualified to make
this determination, but I'd like to give them some pointers,
in case they're reluctant to jeopardize my hospital lease. I
am probably brain-dead if any of the following occurs:
---A remote control is in my room and I'm not holding it.
---A football game is on TV and I'm not watching it.
---Halle Berry comes to my room and I don't smile.
---My dentist comes to my room and I don't scream.
---Someone reads me Bill Clinton's memoir and I don't fall
asleep.
---Someone reads me Ann Coulter's book and I don't try to
kill them.
Whether or not I am brain-dead, I do not want a feeding tube
inserted into me, unless the tube is big enough to carry a
pizza. I want to have pizza regularly -- and by "regularly,"
I mean three times a day. My feeding schedule will be as
follows: Breakfast: pizza topped with sausage. Lunch: pizza
topped with pepperoni. Dinner: pizza topped with meatloaf,
steak and tandoori chicken.
If I must have a feeding tube, I also want a drinking tube,
preferably one that's connected to a bottle of Chardonnay. A
little champagne now and then would suit me fine, too.
Moderation is the key and I hereby appoint Boris Yeltsin as
my moderator. He will be in charge of my drinking tube, with
Ted Kennedy as the first alternate.
I would be remiss if I didn't mention organ donation. I want
all my organs donated: my eyes to a blind person, my lungs
to a cancer patient, my brain to one of those motorcyclists
who don't wear helmets.
In conclusion, I would like to thank my lawyer, who
recommended that I write this document, so that there will
be no confusion whatsoever. To him, I leave my drinking
tube.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com