ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Wow you guys are good ... over the past couple of weeks I
have received so many emails from you that I just don't have
time to answer them all ...so I am just going to give a HUGE
blanket "thank you" right now. I do try to answer them ...but
between sleeping, eating and working I just don't have time. ;)
Anyway most of the emails over the past week were in response
to my dad having surgery and I can tell you that my dad had a
triple bypass on May 5th and is coming home from the hospital
today. He had a bit of a rough go of it due to them not being
able to get his heart rate stable ... but at 71 years old if that is
the least of his problems then he is doing just fine. I was really
quite surprised at how well he looked when I arrived on Friday
morning ... he didn't look like he had just endured seven hours
of open heart surgery at all! He is doing really well now so I
really have to send a huge thanks to all of you for thinking of
us the last few days.
Giving credit where credit is due is something that I always try
to do ... and sometimes it gets missed. Last week I ran a
joke about the lucky charm that got taken to the dry cleaners ...
this piece was written by long time reader and contributor
Stan Kegel ... I should have known this as it had Stan's style
to it! So Stan ...sorry for missing it ... but heck it happens
right? ;)
And an advanced warning ...two weeks from today I will be in the
air on my way to Nova Scotia, Canada for a few days ...I will be
attending a conference there. Nova Scotia and Newfoundland are
the only provinces in my great country that I have not been to ...
so I will be able to cross one off my list. From what I have heard
it is a beautiful province so I am really looking forward to it ...even
if they do speak funny. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, JB, Laura, Sherri,
Dave, Rubin, Donald.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Tips for the Newly Married Guy
As a Guy who has been married for 11 years, I've learned a lot of tips
and tricks every Guy should know about successfully living with their
wife. I have embraced them fully, and try to practice them on a daily
basis, despite what my wife says to the contrary.
For example, if you're a Guy and have lived on your own for several
years, you're not used to having people around who do not think your
three-week-old pile of underwear on the couch is funny.
I know, I know. How you ended up with someone like this escapes me too.
But it's a legally binding contract, so what can you do? All underwear
humor aside though, please clean it up before I come over. I'm not
sitting down until the pile is gone and the couch has been burned.
There are a few important rules to remember when sharing your house with
a new spouse. And if you're newly married, you don't know these rules
yet. It's better than you learn them this way, rather than the hard way.
Like I did.
Rule #1: The toilet seat. Always put it down. It's actually a dumb rule,
and both parties should try to reach a compromise, like installing a
stand-up urinal in the bathroom. But if that's out of the question, try
another solution, like always put the seat the opposite way of how you
found it, If it's down, put it up, and vice versa.
But if you can't get your wife to budge on this issue, just give in on
this one. Trust me, when you're awakened at 2:00 am by the shrill tones
of your wife, hollering at you about the toilet seat and her broken
tailbone, you'll realize it's in your best interest to just leave it
down.
Rule #2: Her stuff is valuable, your stuff is junk. This really isn't a
rule as much as a deeply-held belief your wife had the moment she laid
eyes on your complete collection of G.I. Joe action figures. For some
reason, she thinks they're not as "valuable" as her original,
hand-bound
leather edition of "The Great Gatsby." And while from a literary
view,
she may have a point, you just can't play Underwater Rescue in the
bathtub with an original F. Scott Fitzgerald book.
However, this logic is not reversible. Her things you would consider
junk hold great sentimental value, and can never be discarded. So while
your collection of miniature National Football League helmets are just
taking up space, her March 1992 issue of People Magazine with Harrison
Ford on the cover is "a collectible."
To win this one, just place all of your valuables in a heavy-duty
cardboard box and write "Mom's China" or "Grandma's Ashes"
on it. Your
wife won't open them for the next 15 years. Of course, neither will you,
but that's beside the point.
Rule #3: What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers. Some women think
it's "cute" and "fun" to wear their husband's clothes on
occasion, so be
prepared to lose your best sweater or have your favorite dress shirt
come up missing. (But get caught wearing her clothes just once, and
she's all "he's not the man I married" to her friends for weeks!)
While
it is cute at first, it can be a royal pain when your lucky t-shirt
comes up missing right before the office softball tournament. So try to
keep your clothes smelly and grungy until it's time to wear them. Then
do a quick load of laundry and hide the leftovers.
Rule #4: Your friends are disreputable bums who will amount to no good
and are a bad influence on your. Her friends have been her closest
confidants for years. They are not the harping shrews you accidentally
called them when you had a few too many beers after work last week.
If you're like most Guys, the friends you hang out with are the Guys who
aren't married yet. They still act like Guys. They still sound like
Guys. And, let's face it, they still smell like Guys. But they're still
your friends. If you have to give in on every rule to break this one, do
it. These Guys are the ones who will come through for you, no matter how
bad it is for you. They'll give you the shirt off their backs, and let
you crash on their couch when you need it.
Which will be very soon, if you break Rule #1 one more time.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Camilla Parker Bowles has said she's delighted to be married to her
long time love Charles. Her relationship with the Queen is still
questionable however ... especially since the Queen offered her
a trip to Paris complete with car and driver.
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"A female lawyer in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in
jail with her client who is a murderer. How creepy is that?
Sex with a lawyer..."
-Jay Leno
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
You Will Remember Me - Cause Its Cindi With an I
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cindi.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cindi.shtml ">You Will
Remember Me
Cause Its Cindi With an I</a>
Yep...Thats Definitely A Mans Hand
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manhand.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manhand.shtml
">Yep...Thats
Definitely A Mans Hand</a>
A New Contellation Has Been Discovered
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/constellation.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/constellation.shtml ">A
New
Contellation Has Been Discovered</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
the old lemonade stand game
<a href=" http://www.lemonadegame.com/
">lemonade game</a>
http://www.lemonadegame.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
After the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals had the duty to go
through the late Pope's personal effects.
One of the Cardinals noted that there had once been an inscription on
the inside of the Pope's white skull cap. The inscription was obviously very
old and much obscured from wear and the passage of time.
Curious, the Cardinals sent the skull cap for study at the Vatican's
antiquities department. Experts applied themselves to the task utilizing
the latest in computer technology and encryption analysis.
They found that the inscription was in the Polish language and
after much work, they cracked the code and translated the text.
The results were handed to the perplexed Cardinal who read:
Benny & Malka's Wedding October 19, 1935 Krakow, Poland
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a
lot on the kind of chick he marries.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
This Real Dick In A Truck Cut Me Off
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dicktruck.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dicktruck.shtml ">This
Real Dick In A
Truck Cut Me Off</a>
I Showed Them Who Has The Power Here
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ishowedthem.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ishowedthem.shtml ">I
Showed Them Who
Has The Power Here</a>
Two Old Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/2oldladies.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/2oldladies.shtml ">Two
Old Ladies</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and
said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"
said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra!
two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only
occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to
have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is
a wish..
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and
abracadabra!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story...Men can be ungrateful idiots...
And fairies are female.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
My TV Has Bad Hair
by Sheila Moss
In the long list of life's little annoyances, one of the most
aggravating is when the television goes out. I have just gone
through the tunnel of darkness at my house with a non-working
television. I don't watch television that much, but my honey
lives in front of it.
One night the television was working just fine, the next morning
"poof" no picture. The aggravation was greatly amplified by the
fact that it is one of those large-screen monstrosities that men
are so fond of and women hate with a fury.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/tv.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/tv.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
This fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he
complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk
explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this,
and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right
knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will
notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder
into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent
his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at
that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit
fit great?"
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Guess Who Came Home Early
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/takeaguess.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/takeaguess.shtml
">Guess Who Came
Home Early</a>
Prince Charles Royal Coffee Mug
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/princemug.shtml
">Prince Charles
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Test Your Observation Skills
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way
along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin,
but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The
plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in
the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory. It begins to look as though the plane
will plough into the water. Panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and
laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Table For Sale
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/table4sale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/table4sale.shtml
">Table For Sale</a>
Which Size Cup Excites Most Middle Aged Men
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whichsize.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whichsize.shtml ">Which
Size Cup
Excites Most Middle Aged Men</a>
I Ran In To My Ex
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ranintoex.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ranintoex.shtml ">I Ran
In To My
Ex</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A man dressed up as a giant piece of faeces has been refused
entry to a government meeting in Canada. James Skwarok arrived
as 'Mr Floatie' to represent POOP, People Opposed to Outfall
Pollution, reports Canada.com. But the cross-party meeting in
Victoria-Beacon Hill refused him entry. Skwarok said he wanted
to protest against the daily dumping of 120 million litres of
raw sewage into the Pacific ocean. He said he was "a little
bummed out" by the politicians' refusal to meet him and that
British Columbia province should look good for the 2010 Olympics
if it didn't want to get a "brown medal".
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Even though there are many differences between Christian and
Muslim cultures, there exist some similarities. I note that
in Arab countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran And Iraq, that if
a woman commits adultry she is stoned.
It's the same in LA, only they usually get stoned beforehand
instead of after.
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
THE 20-INCH TALL IVORY WOODPECKER, BELIEVED TO HAVE BECOME EXTINCT IN
1944, WAS SPOTTED IN EASTERN ARKANSAS. (USA/4/28)
The sighting was immediately followed by the re-opening of Little Rock's
once-popular drive-thru, "Woody's Bucket O' Peckers," closed since
1945.
FT. HOOD, TX----ARMY RESERVIST ADMITS TO MALTREATING INMATES AT ABU
GHRAIB----SENTENCING HEARING WILL ALLOW DEFENSE TO PRESENT EVIDENCE OF
SEVERE LEARNING DISABILITIES AND LIFELONG MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS.
(AP/5/3)
WASHINGTON----ARMY AND MARINES FALL SHORT OF RECRUITING GOALS FOR APRIL
AND ARE EXPECTED TO FALL FURTHER BEHIND DURING MAY. (USA/5/3)
Well, when you set the bar that high...
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
There was a city boy who had just moved into the country.
He went walking around to check out his surroundings and
found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over
to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.
The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said,
"Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."
The city boy confused asked him what he meant.
The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it
is a female chicken."
The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two
chickens one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He
went to the man who was selling it to find out how much
it was.
The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."
The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in
your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass."
The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and
bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets
a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to
scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops
dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't
scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the
chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to
fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a
beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this
beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned
today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah,
could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"CONTROL THE MEDIA, CONTROL THE MIND"
During my childhood in Zambia, I thought that the country's
first president, Kenneth Kaunda, commonly known as KK, was
one the greatest leaders in the world and the only thing
separating him from Lincoln, Churchill and Gandhi was a
safari suit. But how can you blame me? After all, the
government controlled the media, and negative stories about
KK were like fresh cheese -- you had to import them from
South Africa.
These days, the Zambian media has more freedom, thankfully,
and the current president doesn't have a halo over his head.
But in too many other countries, people get to hear only one
side of everything. It's kind of like being married to Rush
Limbaugh. (For 24 hours a day, all you hear is
Democrat-bashing. Even in his sleep, he goes, "Zzzz ...
liberals ... zzzz ... must be behind ... zzzz .... my
snoring.)
The worst perpetrator of media control is North Korea, a
country that makes Fidel Castro look like the patron saint
of journalism. The Internet is virtually banned there, while
radios and TVs are pre-set to government stations that heap
praise on the leader, Kim Jong Il, making people believe
he's the best thing to happen to the country since the
invention of noodles.
Never mind if there's an energy crisis -- that can be blamed
on the Americans. And what about the food shortage -- surely
those Japanese sumo wrestlers have something to do with it.
Removing the frequency jammer from a state-issued radio or
using a private radio to listen to foreign broadcasts is a
crime that could land you in a prison camp, doing hard
labor. So you'd better take it seriously when the host of
the morning show says, "We'll be right back. Don't touch
that dial." Otherwise, the only thing you'll be touching for
a while is a hoe.
This isn't just media control, it's a form of mind control.
And the repressive regime probably isn't satisfied.
Prisoner: "They caught me listening to BBC. What about you?"
Second prisoner: "They caught me thinking about listening to
BBC!"
First Prisoner: "How did they catch you?"
Second Prisoner: "I blame two things: the implant they put
in my brain and that big mouth at Radio Shack."
If you're wondering what North Korean radio sounds like,
just imagine what American radio would be like if it were
controlled by the Republican Party. Wait a minute, that
already happens. Okay, just imagine if there was no media
competition whatsoever, if everything we heard was
pro-government:
"Today, our great and wise leader, George W. Bush, continued
to spread democracy around the Middle East, persuading Crown
Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, friend of our great land,
to allow all his citizens to vote, giving them the
opportunity to choose the next 'Arab Idol.' It may be just a
singing competition, but as our great leader says, it will
prove once again that Arabs are capable of voting. We've
already witnessed the amazing success of Iraq, where our
great leader introduced democracy through peaceful
intervention. People all over Iraq are singing his praises,
wishing he could be their leader, too. We are so lucky to
have him. God has blessed our country with not one but two
George Bushes. And another Bush is in Florida, ready to
share his wisdom with us. We can't wait. Now here's a
message from our sponsor. Don't touch that dial!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com