ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
First off let me welcome you to the issue that almost wasn't!
My dad is in hospital and tomrrow will be undergoing triple or
quadruple by-pass surgery which came as a complete shock
to me and my family as my dad (71) has always been very
active. Because this has brought my mood way down, I
almost didn't put this issue together ... but figured it was
good therapy so here it is ... and if you can think some
nice thoughts about my dad over the next few days I would
really appreciate it.
So Richard Gere was thinking of doing a sequel to the movie
"Runaway Bride" ... but Jennifer Wilbanks beat him to it! Ok
now if this isn't the most bizarre story of 2005 then I don't know
what can top it ... Ms Wilbanks beats a hasty retreat from her
wedding and then claims to have been kidnapped...only to
change her story only hours later and reveal that she actually
had a bad case of "cold feet!" ... damn woman they must have
been really cold if you were desperate enough to hop a Grey-
hound to Albuquerque.
Ok....so that is as funny as I can get in my opening ...hope the
rest of this issue is better. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Laura, Barbara,
JB, Unicorn, Jack, Joanie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
"Do you know why you should always invite
TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?"
Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
Invite two and they won't drink any."
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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Whatever you want to call them, they're
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Ramblings of My Two Year Old Son
Yaay, morning again! TV and breakfast and milk in a sippy cup! And I
love waking up to a really good poopy. That means Mommy has to change my
diaper. She makes such funny faces when I do that.
Hmm, something smells funny. I'll just open my eyes and--GAAH! It's that
Daddy guy. What's he doing home today? Oh wait, it must be -- what do
they call it? -- Satter Day? Daddy always wakes me up on Satter Day.
What are these things on my head? Oh wait, I remember. What did Daddy
call them? Die Odes? He said they'll read my mind and transfer my
thoughts to a computer -- whatever that is -- so he can write his
column. Lazy hack. Get your own material!
I remember he put these on me last week. I tried to run away and nearly
gave myself whiplash when I reached the end of the wires. I think he
said these are wireless.
Dude, put me down, I just woke up! Give me some space. Your morning
breath would kill a horse. Ha, take that! How's that for a right hook?
Next time don't stand so close. Good thing you had your glasses on.
Aw, man. He startled me so bad I can't even make a good poopy. Hey, you!
Daddy! My diaper is wet. Get this thing off me. That's more like -- put
it on! Put it on! It's cold in here. Look, it's making my -- oh jeez, I
hope that's not permanent. I look like a one year old.
My day is going from bad to worse. Now I've got one of those stupid Die
Odes in my hair. I hope that cute little diaper filler from next door,
Stacy Something-or-other, doesn't see me. I look like a complete dork.
Ha, take that! Stupid glasses. Just stick me in my high chair and bring
me some breakfast.
What's this crap? I don't want Cheerios, I want bacon and eggs. Bacon.
Bayyyy-kunnnnn! Do I have to draw you a map? Bring me some stupid bacon.
Let's see if I can get my point across a little better. I'll just throw
the Cheerios on the floor and throw a fit.
"WAAAAAAHH!" Ooh, milk in a sippy cup. It'll do for now. But I want
BLTs
for lunch today! Hey, Grover's on my cup. Hi Grover. Are you on TV
today? Huh? Say something. Stuck up little monster. Every day I try to
talk to him, but he doesn't say a word. When he's on TV, he's all cute
and fuzzy and talkative, but get him alone, and he just clams up.
<LATER. . . >
Huhhh? What happened? I must have fallen asleep in my high chair again.
I hate it when that happens. What's Daddy laughing at? Put that camera
down. What are you -- oh man, I've got Cheerios stuck to my cheek. Take
that! Dang, I missed.
Dude, turn on the TV. No, not Pokemon. Not Dora the freakin' explorer
either. I want Sesame Street! Sesame Street! Seeeessss -- ooh, it's
Hometime with that sexy Robin Hartl. She can build me a new crib any
day.
Forget it, I've seen that one before. Turn on Thomas the Tank Engine.
You know, the talking train. No, not the talking plane. The talking
train. Hey, that reminds me. Where's' MY Thomas?
"WAAAAAAHH! Tama, Tama." Thanks, Daddy dude. Daddy found Thomas. I
guess
he's not so bad after all. Now I can watch the show and drive Thomas
around on my high chair.
But yuck! 'Tama, Tama?' What the heck was that all about? I distinctly
said 'Thomas the Tank Engine.' What's all this 'Tama' business? Stupid
cognitive development.
Hey, where's my breakfast? Oh yeah. I threw it on the floor. That was
stupid of me. I better not do that any-- ha ha ha! I knew I couldn't say
that with a straight face. Hmm, let's see. Where was I? Oh yeah,
breakfast.
"WAAAAAAHH! Cheechos!"
Cheechos? I said Cheerios, not Cheechos. I think I'm losing my mind.
Something's going wrong here. It's these stupid Die Odes or whatever it
is Daddy stuck to my head. I've got to get them off. They're ruining my
brain. I'll just get this -- ow, my hair! My hair! I forgot about that
one.
Almost done. These Die Odes are making me stupid. I was a bright,
intelligent two-year-old, but now I'm starting to sound like a punch
drunk 18-month-old. Just one more Die Ode and I'm--
<TRANSMISSION ENDS>
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when
he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man
that he would give him $5000 for the horse. The poor man replied,
"I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man
$10000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister,
it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $20000 for the
horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man
agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the
horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back
over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the
horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked
a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.
-Woody Allen
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Art Or Crap Quiz
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/artorcrap.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/artorcrap.shtml ">Art
Or Crap
Quiz</a>
Ocean View For The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oceanview2.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oceanview2.shtml ">Ocean
View For The
Ladies</a>
We Know What Uncle Larry Wanted For His Birthday
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/happybday.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/happybday.shtml ">We
Know What Uncle
Larry Wanted For His Birthday</a>
Objects Appear Larger In The Sideview Mirror
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/objects.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/objects.shtml ">Objects
Appear Larger
In The Sideview Mirror</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a site with a lot of wasted webspace
<a href=" http://www.script-o-rama.com/oldindex.shtml ">script
o rama</a>
http://www.script-o-rama.com/oldindex.shtml
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually
means)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective
thing)
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Oh Man, Are These Guys DRUNK !!
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drunks.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/drunks.shtml ">Oh Man,
Are These Guys
DRUNK !!</a>
My Solution For High Gas Prices
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gasprices.shtml ">My
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I Needed Some Help In Testing The Plushness of My Carpet
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carpettester.shtml ">I
Needed Some
Help In Testing The Plushness of My Carpet</a>
Viagra Fencing
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fence.shtml ">Viagra
Fencing</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish
woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the
gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says," I've been a good wife and
mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to
heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I
kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my
family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells
her to step to the left.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter," I've been a good
woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the
synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family." St.
Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, " Why did you tell me to go to
the right and you told the other two women to go to the
left?"
St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty
salon first?
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Spring Break in Pittsburgh
by Sheila Moss
Some people go to Florida for spring break. Some go on Caribbean
cruises or to other warm and wild locations. So where did I go?
Pittsburgh. Yes, of all places in the world, I somehow ended up
in Pittsburgh with not a Cracker Barrel in sight anywhere, just
334,000 Yankees and me.
I'd like to go on record as saying Pittsburgh is a very big place.
What I didn't realize before is how many hills and mountains are
there. I thought San Francisco was the city with all the hills,
but Pittsburgh streets are straight up and straight down, like a
roller coaster. All the houses lean to the left.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/pittsburgh.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/pittsburgh.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four
leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met
the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were
married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of
beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.
At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had
received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with
a profit sharing plan. Patty was certain his good fortune was
due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to
be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. One morning, Patty
could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not
there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it.
He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped
off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners only to find
that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked
up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one
piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning. From that day on,
Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.
The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as
he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles
when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.
No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was
certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had
come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish
priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should
have known
One should never press one's luck."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
God's Billboards
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/godspeaks.shtml ">God's
Billboards</a>
Microsoft Word For Blondes
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blondword.shtml
">Microsoft Word For
Blondes</a>
Pets In Hospitals Aid Recovery of Patients
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hospitalpet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hospitalpet.shtml
">Pets In Hospitals
Aid Recovery of Patients</a>
Versatility of The F Word
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fu.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fu.shtml ">Versatility
of The F
Word</a>
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which
is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well,"
said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup,
and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to
the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.) 1. Would you use
the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon.". "No," answered the
Director. "A
normal person would pull the plug."
So how did *you* do?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Home Made Mammogram
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/homemademammo.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/homemademammo.shtml ">Home
Made
Mammogram</a>
When You Are. . .
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whenur.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whenur.shtml ">When You
Are. . .</a>
Why Coyotes Howl
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coyotes.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/coyotes.shtml ">Why
Coyotes Howl</a>
LQQK At The Buns On THAT !
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/buns.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/buns.shtml ">LQQK At
The Buns On
THAT!</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Police in Peru have launched a campaign to save frogs from being
turned into an aphrodisiac drink. 'Frogshake' is popular among
native Peruvians as a stimulant that enhances male sexual
performance. Police saved 4,000 frogs from being juiced to make
the drink in a raid on a warehouse in Lima. Terra Noticias
Populares reports the frogs were packed in boxes and were about
to be liquidised. But they have now released the animals into a
nature reserve. A police spokesman said: "It is our new crusade,
to save the frogs from those juice-makers!"
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Stress Relief
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress
management technique recommended in the latest psychological
texts. The funny thing is that it really works:
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the
World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
underwater.
8. See - you're smiling already!
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
Crawford, TX----WHEN PRESIDENT BUSH AND SAUDI ARABIA'S CROWN PRINCE
ABDULLAH HELD HANDS WALKING INTO THEIR MEETING, THE GESTURE PROMPTED
QUESTIONS ABOUT TWO MEN SHOWING THAT KIND OF PHYSICAL INTIMACY.
(USA/4/26)
An administration spokesman later admitted that, despite Bush's offer of
an after-dinner moonlit visit to Crawford's notorious "Spoon Lake"
alone
in his jeep, the prince steadfastly refused to apologize for his men
leveling the Twin Towers.
IF YOU TAKE VIAGRA AFTER A HIGH-FAT MEAL (SUCH AS A CHEESEBURGER AND
FRENCH FRIES) THE MEDICINE MAY TAKE A LITTLE LONGER TO START WORKING.
(Patient warning enclosed with Viagra package)
Just as well. You want that Big Mac to settle before you whip out the
Big Willie.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands......
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why aren't fishmongers generous?
Their business makes them selfish.
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"ASIAN COUNTRIES LOVE PATIENT TOURISTS"
Outsourcing is a hot concept these days, with companies and
individuals trying to cut costs by sending work abroad. So
many services are being outsourced, from telemarketing to
website design to Internet scamming.
But silly me, I really thought there was a limit to what
could be outsourced. Apparently not. Some students in
America, for example, are being tutored by math and science
teachers in India. Yes, you can now sit in front of a
computer and have the very knowledgeable Mr. Balasubramaniam
explain to you, in simple language, how to send money to
India.
He will also teach you skills you may need in college, such
as how to add and subtract without using your fingers and
toes. And the best part is, if you don't complete his
assignments, he can't send his ruler through the Internet to
smack your hand. Corporal punishment doesn't work too well
online.
The idea of a teacher and student being on different
continents is nothing short of amazing. And it can offer
lots of "new" benefits. Imagine a New Guinean woman getting
a degree from a New York university with help from a New
Delhi tutor. Soon she'd have a new job, a new car and many
new friends.
If having a teacher abroad seems terrific to you, what about
having a doctor abroad? Yes, even healthcare is being
outsourced these days.
Patient in America: "Dr. Pham, can you see me? I'm not sure
if this web camera is working properly."
Doctor in Thailand: "Yes, Mrs. Jones, I can see you. You
have a very nice tan."
Patient: "Oops, I must be pointing the camera at Fifi. She's
my Golden Retriever."
Doctor: "A very pretty dog indeed. And she's wearing a very
nice dress."
Patient: "Oh, I think you're looking at me now. Anyway,
Doctor, since you're a very busy man, let me get to my
problem. For the last week or so, my butt has been hurting
like the dickens. Here, let me point the camera at it."
Doctor: "Oh my. That looks really bad. How long have you had
those spots?"
Patient: "Spots? Oh, you must be looking at my polka dot
panty. You had me worried for a moment."
Thankfully, doctors aren't trying to examine patients
through the Internet -- at least not yet. But something just
as phenomenal is happening: many westerners are flying as
far as Thailand and India for treatment -- and it doesn't
involve inhaling something. Even with the cost of a plane
ticket, they're saving a bundle, while being treated at
state-of-the-art hospitals designed to attract foreign
patients, hospitals with whirlpools.
Patient: "Dr. Pham, are you sure I can go home now? Don't
you want to examine me for the next few weeks or so?"
Doctor: "I just examined you for the 88th time, Mrs. Jones,
and everything looks spotless."
Some enterprising folks are combining tourism with cosmetic
surgery. They stay at a plush resort while recovering from
surgery, getting their spirits lifted along with their
faces.
One British woman even traveled abroad to give birth. "When
I gave birth in London, I had to leave the hospital the very
same day," she said. "Here in India, because of the low
costs, I can stay until my baby goes off to college."
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com