ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Wow ... make a few "Pope" comments and the email arrives ...
last week when I suggested that the new pope was a little
old ... many of you emailed me to say you agreed and many
of you emailed me to remind me that he is a "transitional"
pope ...which means no one expects him to be in power for
very long ...just long enough to figure out who the next pope
will be. ;)
I also got lots of emails about the new improved version and
it seems to be a hit ... a few people are mourning the loss
of some of their favourite features ... but oh well you can't
please all of the people all of the time. I do want to say
a big thank you to all of you who took the time to drop me
an email ... I may not have answered everyone ... but I did
real them all and will continue to read all your email. If I
lose contact with you then it is pointless ...so write away.
For those of you outside Canada ... you probably haven't heard
about the huge scandal that is rocking our government ... with
millions of dollars being misappropriated by the government
and used to support the leading party .. it is only a matter of
time before we have an election in Canada ... Unlike in the USA
where your election occur on a specific date ... In Canada we
vote when the decision is made ... about a year ago we elected
a minority government which puts the leading party in power
with less seats than all the other parties put together ...which
works when people co-operate ... but doesn't work when they
get caught with their hands in the cookie jar ... a major vote
is coming up in the next few days to support the budget and
it could possibly be defeated ...which will mean we will be voting
very soon.
And to top it off ...after weeks of unseasonably mild weather ...
I woke up this morning to a snow covered ground ...NOT a good
thing.
From the weird files ... check out: http://www.savetoby.com and
maybe (just maybe) YOU can save a pet rabbit from his untimely
fate. And while you are at it ...if you have a some time to kill
and
you like a mystery ... see if you can escape from this locked room:
http://flash.qbol.net/pl;p/youxi/images/04042203.swf
it takes some
thinking and exploring ... but it is possible!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Amy, Keli, Stan, Tammy,
Daryl, Lisa, Unicorn, JB, Laura, Dave.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My
psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Excuuuuse Me!
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from
2002 about his favorite subject: loud bodily functions.
The news was enough to make any self-respecting, beer-swilling Guy clap
his hands and squeal like a twelve year old girl at a Britney Spears
concert.
Burping is considered a serious activity. There's actually a world
record burp, a world's loudest burper, and even scientific instruments
and impartial judges to monitor these events and confirm a new world
record.
And to the chagrin of wives and girlfriends everywhere, all of these
factors were brought to bear on the London Science Museum on Friday,
August 2nd. That's when world record burper Paul Hunn (no relation to my
friend Jeff Hunn) attempted to beat his own earth-shattering record of
118.1 decibels, which he set in 2000. To give you an idea of how loud
that is, if you stood 100 yards away from a jumbo jet taking off, you'd
experience 120 decibels.
Unfortunately, Hunn's efforts fell short when he developed a sore throat
after three attempts. Although his burps did get louder with each try,
his final one only reached a disappointing 110.5 decibels, which is
comparable to sandblasting, sitting in the stands at a NASCAR race, or
that stupid kid driving past my office blasting his stereo.
"Sadly, he didn't break the record and had to stop after a few tries
because his throat was getting too sore," an unnamed spokeswoman at
London's Science Museum told Reuters. "But when he heals up, he's
determined to set a new record."
Naturally, Hunn was a little disappointed at his efforts, but promised
to return when he felt better.
Another unnamed spokeswoman (or possibly the same one, it's hard to tell
them apart) told Ananova: "He's going to try another day, but he's a bit
winded at the moment. Plus everyone in the room has passed out from the
odor." (She really didn't say that last part.)
Guys everywhere were heartened by Hunn's optimistic, never-give-up
attitude, and voiced their own support.
"BRAAP! I think he'll make it next time." said one bystander.
"You can do it -- BLURG! -- Paul!" another cheered.
"PHAUGH! What's everyone talking about?" asked a third.
Representative Della Howes, Senior Records Researcher for Guinness Book
of World Records was on hand with sound level meters and recording
equipment to monitor and confirm Hunn's attempt. She waved her hand
frantically in front of her nose as she explained Hunn's shortfall. "He
was under a lot of pressure with everyone watching. But I suppose it's
like the athletes at the Commonwealth Games at the moment -- you have to
train hard for it and just go for it."
Interestingly, Howes seems to be the go-to gal when it comes to
measuring uncommonly loud sound. In 2001, she helped measure the record
for "loudest group of people in a single location" for the English
band
Hear'Say. On September 6th of that year, at Wembly Arena in London,
approximately 10,000 screaming fans set the world record by generating
128.8 decibels of sound.
They beat the previous record of 128.7, set on October 1, 2000 by Denver
Broncos fans in Mile High Stadium. Howes was present for that record as
well.
"It was louder than a jumbo jet," she said of the Hear'Say record.
"The
noise was the loudest we have ever recorded for a single group of people
in one location."
To put Hunn's accomplishment into perspective, his world record burp
measured only 10.7 decibels less than the screaming of 10,000 young
teenagers.
Hunn chugged an unspecified carbonated beverage and gulped mouthfuls of
air, which any eight-year-old kid will tell you is the secret of
successful burping. There was no word whether any of the soft drink
companies are considering underwriting any future attempts, although
they're being short-sighted if they miss this opportunity. Imagine the
publicity that could come from being known as the Official Carbonation
Supplier to the World's Loudest Burper.
Announcer: When quenching your thirst isn't the only thing you need, try
Belchy-Fizz Cola for the loudest, longest belches. Whether you're trying
to amaze your friends, impress a date, or when you just want to clear a
room, take a big swig of Belchy-Fizz Cola. World's Loudest Burper Paul
Hunn swears by it.
Hunn: Hey kids, for world class belching, turn to Belchy-Fizz. It's a
big part of my training regimen. BRAAAP!
Believe it or not, Hunn actually does have a training routine, including
spicy food and exercises to force air into his stomach. These include
deep breathing, cardiovascular workouts, and riding on top of a car with
his mouth open.
Hunn's attempt was part of the London Science Museum's current
"Grossology" exhibit (sciencemuseum.org.uk), which overcomes a
child's
lack of interest in science by appealing to their fascination with the
sick and disgusting, and teach visitors more about how the human body
works. Features include snot trivia, a display on which foods create the
most gas, and even a Rube Goldberg-type device that ". . . explores the
many different causes of vomiting."
So remember Guys, after you let fly with a particularly loud and
satisfying belch, and your wife or girlfriend gripes about the noise
and/or odor, don't mumble excuses. Look her right in the eye, tell her
you're learning science. Or better yet, tell her you're training to
break the world's loudest burp, and then challenge her to do better.
Just don't come crying to me if she can.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was
wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was
wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape
exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the
wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with
One hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He
suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more
excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the
bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort o! f fan your dress at
him," he
said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I
did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
-Hank Aaron
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
I Think My Doctor Gave Me A Little Too Much Testosterone
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toomuchtest.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toomuchtest.shtml ">I
Think My Doctor
Gave Me A Little Too Much Testosterone</a>
Choke The Chicken
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chokethechickn.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chokethechickn.shtml
">Choke The
Chicken</a>
Oral Sex?? Sure!!
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oral.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oral.shtml ">Oral Sex??
Sure!!</a>
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a list of over 14000 slipups
<a href=" http://www.slipups.com/
">slipups</a>
http://www.slipups.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a
guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just screwed me
twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed
you
once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started
the
second time."
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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Anytime Is GOOD
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/watch.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/watch.shtml ">Anytime
Is GOOD</a>
Your Parents Lied
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parentslied.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/parentslied.shtml
">Your Parents
Lied</a>
Awwww Come On Give Me A Kiss
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/givemeakiss.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/givemeakiss.shtml
">Awwww Come On
Give Me A Kiss</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of
the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be
a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes.
Sing, Entertain. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard
and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
It Might Be a Redneck Wedding...
by Sheila Moss
In spring we feel young, alive. Thoughts just naturally seem to
turn to romance and marriage. We might even receive an invitation
to a wedding. Here in the South, we have wedding ceremonies too,
just like everywhere else. Well, maybe not exactly like everyone
else. Some of our weddings might be just a tad different, but
probably not enough you would even notice the difference
unless you are watching.
It might be a redneck wedding...
If the groom is wearing a bowling shirt
If the bride wears a crop top so her tattoo will
show
If the bride's hair is bigger than her veil
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/redneckwedding.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/redneckwedding.htm
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The boss was chasing his secretary as usual. He suggested "Let's go up to
my apartment tonight." She answered, "I am very didactic and pithy in
my
refusal of your very derogatory, vituperative and vitriolic proposition."
The boss said, "I don't get it." She answered, "That's what I've
been
trying to tell you."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
The Pics Convey The Message
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/picwords.shtml ">The
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Message</a>
Guess The Cup Size
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The Cup
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Click Your Heels Together And
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">Click Your Heels
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ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A hillbilly's old wife sent him to town to get something
to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The
druggist sold him a box of mothballs.
Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore,
complaining that "them mothballs wouldn't work nohow,
noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too.
But we ain't hit a single moth! Maybe you got a
bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Canadian Sidewalk Plow
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sidewalkplow.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sidewalkplow.shtml
">Canadian
Sidewalk Plow</a>
Rodman Supports PETA
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rodman.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rodman.shtml ">Rodman
Supports
PETA</a>
Piss Me Off List
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mylist.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mylist.shtml ">Piss Me
Off List</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Croatian church congregation is refusing to attend mass until
their priest, fired for phoninga phone sex line, is reinstated.
Villagers are backing Father Ljubomir Simunovic who insists he
was tricked into calling a sex line operator who asked him for
guidance. He rang up a $32,000 bill after spending hours on the
phone at peak times with the woman helping her to pray for
deliverance. Father Simunovic said: "I had no idea she was
working on a sex hotline, I didn't even know such a thing
existed. "I thought I was helping a woman who had returned to
God after her divorce while struggling to support a son on her
own." The priest has been suspended by Church officials while
an investigation is carried out. But almost 1,000 villagers
representing almost the entire population of Runovici staged a
demonstration in front of the church this week demanding the
return of the Father Simunovic. Meanwhile the woman at the
centre of the scandal has confirmed there was no sexual contact
between them, and also admitted that she told him she was 25
instead of her real age of 47.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who
was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and
give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the
priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the
confessional, can never be
broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I
came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place."
"The very first person who entered my confessional told me how he
had
stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his
parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and
loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to
go
to him in confession."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] E V E R Y B O D Y K N O W S Y O U R
N A M E [||||]
"Ratzinger picks Benedict XVI as his papal name." (CNN4/20)
[] When told that the winner was Ratzinger, Bush exclaimed
"Good
choice. He was great as the postman on "Cheers."
[||||] S H E E T T R E A T S [||||]
"Woman testifies that Michael Jackson begged her to allow her son to
share his bed." (USA/4/12)
[] Starting to look like the only person who didn't share his bed
was
Lisa Marie Presley.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I
am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out
and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone
knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes
and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go
into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone
else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and
partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's
face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We
have to
confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in
advance.
Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my
regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments,
you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning
and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're
both
young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5
'Our
Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed
everything
in detail.
There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And
you DARE
to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's, " 500
"Hail Mary's,"
donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the
church
500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll
discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our
agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my
job
seriously."
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What happened to the boy who drank eight Cokes?
He burped Seven-Up
ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"EMAILING THE POPE YOUR QUESTIONS"
Pope Benedict XVI has been given an email address,
benedictxvi@vatican.va, and will spend a few minutes each
day reading messages from around the world and the rest of
the day deleting spam. The pope has already received email
from thousands of people, some congratulating him on his new
position, others seeking his answers to various moral and
religious questions: Should gay people be allowed to marry?
Should brain-dead people be kept alive on feeding tubes?
Should the church continue to ban contraceptives? And what
about gay people who use contraceptives -- should they be
kept alive on feeding tubes? The papal inbox will be a
repository for all sorts of interesting email:
Dear Pope: First let me congratulate you on an impressive
election victory. You really trounced your opponents,
especially those non-European cardinals who actually thought
they had a chance. You need to tell them to go easy on the
grape juice. Anyway, it's good to see democracy working so
well within the church. If only more countries would learn
from the Vatican and follow its democratic ideal of "one
man, one vote, let the women sit and watch." I'm glad you
believe that only men should be priests, bishops and
cardinals. We already let women attend church and take
communion -- must we let them wear the gowns too? Women
today are already doing everything men do: they're doctors,
lawyers, accountants, and engineers. Some jobs ought to be
reserved for men. Even my wife says that, right before
asking me to take out the trash. Prayerfully yours, David C.
Dear Pope: I am really struggling with the abortion issue.
While I've always believed, like you do, that abortion is
wrong, a Jewish friend of mine has made me reconsider my
position, insisting that the world would be a better place
if Hitler's mother had chosen abortion. Such a choice may
even be considered "pro-life." Of course, you may ask how
Hitler's mother could have possibly known that her son would
turn into such a monster. But I'm sure she could have found
out, I'm sure she could have consulted a good psychic. Don't
you agree? Respectfully yours, Rhonda B.
Dear Pope: I am a churchgoing man, very faithful to Catholic
principles. I just wanted to know if you think the church
will ever change its stance on same-sex marriage. In case
you are wondering, I am heterosexual man. But it just so
happens that my partner is not. He wants to get married in
church, but that raises a problem: Which one of us should
wear the dress? I think he should, because I'm the one who's
heterosexual. Don't you think that's reasonable?
Heterosexually yours, Kenneth D.
Dear Pope: My wife and I are both devout Catholics, but
disagree on one important issue. She feels that the Vatican
is too old-fashioned and impractical in its opposition to
contraceptives, but I tend to agree with your position --
and so do our 14 children. We've been trying the natural
method of birth control and it's quite effective, giving my
wife a few days off between pregnancies. But nowadays, she
often locks me out of the bedroom, telling our children that
this is a critical part of the natural method. My question
to you is this: Can a locked door be considered a
contraceptive? If so, shouldn't the church ban locked doors?
Desperately yours, Manuel S.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com
Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com