ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Welcome to the NEW and IMPROVED Pooh-Bah's Adult
Humour Ezine .... last week I challenged you to send me
900 emails telling me that you are reading my ezine and
that I should continue to publish ... and while I didn't quite
hit the 900 mark ... I did get many many emails and some
of them really touched my heart ... and so here I am ...back
in the saddle again.  ;)  The first thing that you will notice
however is that this issue is a little different and someone
shorter.  I have removed a few "humour" pieces and also
(by popular demand) have removed the "Today In History"
feature.  Also gone is the "Dumb Crook Of The Day" because
that one was causing me a lot of grief trying to find an
article to fit into that slot.  It isn't all bad though ...Erik Decker's
fantastic article "The Laughing Stalk" remains but has been
moved from the bottom of the issue to near the top ... and
added at the very bottom is a weekly feature by Melvin
Durai who is a very funny editorialist.  (Melvin has been
included in my issues in the past ... but now he is a staple
of each issue).  The biggest change is that I will only be
publishing one issue per week on Wednesdays and there
will be weeks when that doesn't happen (when things on the
homefront get a little too hectic).

For those of you who took the time to write to me over the last
week to express your thoughts ... thank you!  I heard from some
of you who have been with me through the whole six year period
that I have been publishing and I also heard from some of you who
have only been around for a few issues ...in fact one of you wrote
to me who had only received ONE issue!  Its nice to hear how you
touch people that you don't know ... and how you bring pleasant
thoughts to people who are bedridden.  I got "one line" replies from
some of you ... and others told me a huge story about themselves.
It was nice to hear from ALL those who wrote ... but let me make
a simple request ... I don't like to live in a vacuum and love to
hear feedback.  If something is funny and you like it ...feel free
to let me know ...if something upsets you ...go ahead and vent ..
or if you just want to say "Hi" ... that is okay too ...at least I know
that you are reading.  In the early years of publishing my ezines I
used to receive many emails from my subs and there were a lot
fewer of them ...for some reason now no one emails anymore and
I lost touch with you ... so please write me every now and again
just to let me know you are still there.

For all you newbies who have signed up over the last few days ...
you are in for a treat... and for all those of you who send each
issue to your family and friends and then get them to join up ...
THANK YOU ... YOU all make it worthwhile.

With all that said ... I do have to comment on the fact that a
new Pope has been crowned with the election of 78 year old
Joseph Ratzinger.  The new pope will be known as Pope Benedict
XVI.  Now don't get me wrong ...but why elect a 78 year old man
to this position ...doesn't that just set up the world for another
election in a few years ...why not put someone younger into
the position?

Today's issue includes contributions by: Michael, Keli, Stan, Joseph,
Unicorn, Terri, Jack, Donald.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

Upon finally getting up courage and visiting a nudist camp. He was
pleased to discover that the first day was the hardest.

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
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ӿ-------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Adventures in Vegetarian Taxidermy

York: Hello, and welcome to Mark York Kitchen Adventures. I'm Mark York
and this is my kitchen. Today, I'm joined by David Taylor, noted
vegetarian taxidermist and activist.

Taylor: Hello, Mark.

York: Hi, David. Vegetarian taxidermy. That's a new one on me. How does
that work?

Taylor: Well, let's say you've just enjoyed a particularly good
vegetarian meal, like vegetarian lasagna or tofu and curd pizza, and you
want to commemorate the experience. How would you do that?

Yorks: Well, actually I'm not--

Taylor: That's right, you'd have the vegetable stuffed so you could
display it for family and friends to admire.

York: But didn't I already eat it?

Taylor: That's right.

York: So how do I stuff it and save it for later?

Taylor: Believe it or not, that little problem set us back for six
months. Then we came up with a new solution. We stuff a replica of the
vegetable.

York: A replica?

Taylor: Sure. We take a vegetable of a similar look and size, empty out
the seeds and flesh, which we save for later -- can't let that go to
waste, can we? -- and then fill it and close it up. And then the client
has an exact replica of the scrumptious vegetable they just enjoyed.

York: What kind of vegetables do you prefer to work with?

Taylor: Oh, we especially enjoy working with your larger vegetables,
like pumpkin, squash, eggplants. Tomatoes are okay as well.

York: Aren't tomatoes technically a fruit?

Taylor: I try to avoid that "in the box" thinking. It burdens our
understanding of vegetables and our ability to do good quality work for
our clients. It's just one more example of Corporate America trying to
prevent us from achieving our true artistic expression.

York: Achieving your true. . . ? How does Corporate America benefit by
making you call a tomato a vegetable?

Taylor: You know how they are.

York: Apparently I don't.

Taylor: They're afraid of art and the truth it speaks.

York: What kind of truth can you get from a vegetable?

Taylor: Vegetables encourage us to return to Mother Earth and embrace
her energies. Corporate America is afraid of people turning their backs
on their materialistic ways.

York: I. . . see. What about the way a vegetable is raised? I'm sure a
vegetarian activist such as yourself must have some preference about
that.

Taylor: Absolutely, Mark. We find that organic vegetables are the
easiest and best to work with. They come from the earth and don't put
any nasty pesticides or fertilizers into the ecosystem. Our business is
to celebrate the best the earth has to offer, so obviously we have to
use subjects that celebrate Mother Earth's giving spirit.

York: Hmm. And what kind of filler do you use?

Taylor: We use a combination of non-expanding polystyrene foam and a
two-part petroleum based epoxy.

York: Two-part. . .? Never mind. So what do you do if a client wants to
have a vegetable stuffed from a meal six weeks previously, or they live
five states away.

Taylor: We ask them to provide us with several photos of the vegetable
in question, and we'll locate one that closely resembles the subject.

York: (Chuckles) Or they could just take the photo and have it framed.

Taylor: A picture? Why would someone want a picture of a vegetable?
That's crazy. A picture is just a brief snapshot of a memory. A stuffed
vegetable allows a person to experience the texture and weight and smell
of their stuffed vegetable.

York: What does a stuffed vegetable smell like?

Taylor: Well, for the first few months, it smells like non-expanding
polystyrene foam and two-part petroleum based epoxy. So we discourage
the owners from smelling their new vegetables too deeply.

York: So if you're a vegetarian taxidermist --

Taylor: And activist.

York: And activist -- how do you feel about your fellow taxidermists who
deal with animals?

Taylor: They're killers and murderers.

York: But they didn't actually kill the animals, the hunters did.

Taylor: But they provide an opportunity for the hunter to glorify their
murder of animals.

York: So you're opposed to the consumption of any meat product.

Taylor: That's right. But a life without meat doesn't mean you can't
enjoy different cuisines. Why, for example, I've got a great recipe for
vegetarian haggis. It involves rolled oats, several different grains,
and soybeans.

York: But that's not even haggis. Haggis is sheep intestines, stomach,
liver, and other parts. By its very definition, haggis is made from
sheep organs. It's like cooking a slab of tofu and rolled oats and
calling it a vegetarian steak.

Taylor: Actually, now that you mention it. . .

York: GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir,"
she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in
all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle,
and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We
call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later,
seeks out the manager  and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name
toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's
rough, it's tough and it don't take shit from anybody!"

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
Well, for one thing, a taxidermist only takes your skin."
-Mark Twain

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

I'm Always Sensitive To My Wife's Needs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz4.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz4.shtml ">I'm Always Sensitive To
My Wife's Needs</a>

Redneck Windshield Wiper
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwiper.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwiper.shtml ">Redneck
Windshield Wiper</a>

What Not To Wear To Church
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/not4church.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/not4church.shtml ">What Not To Wear
To Church</a>

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

a list of over 6200 easter eggs

<a href=" http://www.eeggs.com ">easter eggs</a>
http://www.eeggs.com

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the
reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner.

"So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about
President Bush?"

The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I must
inform you that I work for the White House."

"Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter.  "I'll tell it slowly
for you then."

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ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

No Smoking On This Bus
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nosmokingbus.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nosmokingbus.shtml ">No Smoking On
This Bus</a>

Mousepad For Men To Help Prevent Carpal Tunnel
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mousepad4men.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mousepad4men.shtml ">Mousepad For Men
To Help Prevent Carpal Tunnel</a>

My Parents Were Too Cheap To Buy Me A Real Doll
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/candoll.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/candoll.shtml ">My Parents Were Too
Cheap To Buy Me A Real Doll</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[Another Classic from my archives]

I got a new car radio yesterday and it is  terrific.

If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
If I say "Rap" it  plays rap.
If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in  front of the car and I said
"Fucking kids!" and it played Michael Jackson.

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

We Are Testing the Fire Alarm System
by Sheila Moss </a>

"May I have your attention, please?  May I have your attention,
please?  We are testing the fire alarm system.  Please disregard
all alarms until further notice."

Periodically, we receive this alert over the office building
intercom system.  Everyone looks at everyone else and wonders
what we will do if the building actually catches on fire during
one of the tests when we are disregarding alarms.  So far it
hasn't happened, but the first time may be the last time.

Shortly thereafter, the lights begin to flash, the sirens begin
to sound, and everyone sits glued to their chair, ignoring the
alarms until further notice.  We are not sure exactly what the
further notice will be.  We hope that it is not flashing lights
and sirens.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/firealarm.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/firealarm.htm

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just
finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had
neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to
the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon
hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you
sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,
"Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little
lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

I Think You Are Addicted To Your Puter
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/putertub.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/putertub.shtml ">I Think You Are
Addicted To Your Puter</a>

Veggie Sex
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/veggiesex.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/veggiesex.shtml ">Veggie Sex</a>

I Need A Good Long Screw
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/screw.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/screw.shtml ">I Need A Good Long
Screw</a>

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Dirty Talk
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dirtytalk.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dirtytalk.shtml ">Dirty Talk</a>

Pencil Death
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pencil.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pencil.shtml ">Pencil Death</a>

My Plumbers Wife
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/plumberswife.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/plumberswife.shtml ">My Plumbers
Wife</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A grandmother knocked out a burglar by hitting him with a garden
gnome. Jean Collop, 69, woke at 5am to find an intruder clambering
on her roof. She yelled at the man, then picked up a gnome and
hurled it at him, reports The Sun. It bounced off his head,
leaving him lying dazed on the roof. Jean dashed to fetch her
rolling pin and a camera, and then took photos of the burglar as
neighbours called the police. Officers arrived to find the man
still on the roof and half a dozen locals standing guard. Jean
said: "I heard a crash and rushed out in my nightdress. I politely
told him not to move and grabbed the first thing that came to hand,
which was a garden gnome. "When it hit him he lay down for a while.
I got my rolling pin in case. I didn't want to break another
gnome."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had
curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on
to read a book.

As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and
fondle her pussy.

He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He
would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her
husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any
further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.The husband was
confused and asked.  "What are you doing taking your clothes off?

The wife replied, "you were playing with my pussy".  I thought it was
foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "no, not at all."

The wife then asked, "well, what the hell were you doing then?"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book.

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]  V A R O O M   D O O M E D   [||||]

"Weak sales will force Harley-Davidson to cut  production----analysts
question growth strategies."  (USA/4/14)

[]   Sales of beer, leather jackets, Nazi crash helmets and gold teeth
also take a tumble.

[||||]  G A R F I E L D   o f    D R E A M S   [||||]

"Wisconsin abandons a plan to allow hunters to shoot feral cats."
(USA/4/14)

[]   Political pundits question how Tweetie Bird managed to attract so
much support for the plan.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Two Old Nuns  bicycling around the English countryside  happen to
see a quaint little village in a valley below that looked like it
had just popped out of a fairy tale. They decide to ride their
bikes into the town and stop at the fountain in the village square
for a drink of water.  After having done so, one nun remarked,
"I don't believe i have ever come this way before."

"Me neither," said the other, "Must have been the cobblestones!"

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
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ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

What's an eight letter word that has only one letter in it?

An envelope!

ӿ---------------------MELVIN DURAI------------------------------ӿ

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Throughout history, men have been trying to impress women,
and throughout history, men have failed miserably. It began
with Oongah the caveman, who thought he could impress the
cavewomen by hunting mammoths and other large animals. After
each hunting trip, he would return home with various tusk
injuries, mostly to his buttocks, and show them off to all
the cave dwellers, saying, "See! Me real man!"

The cavewomen would giggle, then cast their eyes on Dongah,
who had set himself apart from the other cavemen by doing
something that seemed rather gentlemanly in those days:
going outside to pee. What everyone didn't realize was that
Dongah was going farther and farther away from the cave.
Like generations of men to follow, he was marking his
territory. Soon he controlled a vast expanse of land, which
he showed off to all the cave dwellers, saying,
"See! Me real estate man!"

At first, the cavewomen were impressed with Dongah's
property, which included many caves, trees and rocks. But it
didn't take long for them to realize that he couldn't give
them what they really desired: credit cards.

When it came to inventing things, Dongah was out of his
element, overshadowed by a caveman named Hongah, widely
considered the greatest inventor of his time, having created
what he called the "female-impressing raging energy" (FIRE).
Unfortunately for Hongah, fire didn't impress many women,
partly because they could no longer relax in the evening.
They were now expected to cook.

But Hongah was determined to impress women, so he spent his
days and nights on an even greater invention, one that would
have an impact on the female species until the very end of
time. He called it the handbag. Unfortunately for Hongah,
when he presented this new object, made of the finest
rabbit's fur, to an attractive cavewoman, she hit him over
the head with it, saying, "Cook it yourself." This was the
beginning of women's lib.

Fast forward to the 21st century and only the names have
changed. Oongah is Oliver, the muscle-bound man who pumps
iron at the local gym, attracting the attention of women by
grunting loudly like a caveman. He has a chest the size of a
washing machine, yet he's saving up for pectoral implants.
He wears tank tops, participates in various sports and
activities, and is eager to share details of his latest
injury, whether he sprained his ankle while skiing or
strained his frontal lobe while reading.

Dongah is Donald, the real estate magnate who is creating
his own empire, signing deals to buy hotels, casinos and sky
scrapers, marking his territory as publicly as possible,
simply by pulling out his pen. He surrounds himself with
beautiful women and tries to keep them happy by giving them
the best handbags in the world -- handbags full of credit
cards.

Hongah is Hitesh, the technology whiz from India who owns so
many gadgets his friends call him "Hi-tech." All his gadgets
are wireless and multi-functional, such as the cell phone he
uses to take digital pictures and the digital camera he uses
to make phone calls. Whenever he meets a woman, Hitesh
brings out his gadgets, introducing them with more pride
than most people introduce their children.

Each of these men has something to offer women: Oliver has
bulging muscles, Donald has sprawling property and Hitesh
has 100 gigabytes of disk space. But the women don't stick
around for long. Strange creatures, they seem to be
looking for something else.

--------------------------------------------------------

Melvin Durai is a writer and humorist. Read his previous
columns or subscribe at http://MelvinDurai.com