ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

PLEASE NOTE: (serious discussion follows)...I have been publishing
humour ezines for over six years and what started out as a hobby has
almost turned into a full-time job (much to my wife's dismay) ... albeit
if I was working at a full-time job for the pay that I get for doing this then
I would be a complete idiot (which some people may state that I am...but
that is for a different day) ... anyway I put in about 2 hours per issue just
putting the issue together ... which says nothing for all the lead-up and
research that is involved prior to the composing of the issue ... some of
you (hopefully a few at least) may have noticed that I publish fewer
issues than I used to .. in fact at one time this was a daily ezine ...now
I am lucky to get two issues per week out and many times only one!
According to my log files there are almost 18,000 subscribers on this
list ... which has remained pretty stable for the last 2 or 3 years ...but
on average I probably hear from less than 1% of those subscribers about
any question that I put forth ...which leads me to believe that 99% of
you are deleting each issue unread which makes my two hours of
efforts pointless!  Sooooooo.... now is the time to speak!  I am at
a turning point in my ezine publishing and thinking that maybe it
is time to focus my efforts elsewhere ... but you can decide ... send
me an email ...and let me know whether you actually read the issue
or delete it (which means you probably didn't read this and therefore
its a mute point) ... tell me whether to continue or forget it ... and
just let me know your thoughts ... I am looking for a LOT of email ...
I want to hear from at least 5% of my readership ...which means that
900 of you have to send an email with your thoughts.  If I do not get
900 emails (NOT SPAM!) from my readers in the next week ...then
I will pull the plug and The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour will retire and
ride off into the sunset.

IF you love this ezine ...then now is the time to speak ...without YOUR
email ...this will not continue ... this is the only way to gauge what you
are thinking ... so send me an email to:
<a href=" mailto:continue@paulsfunhouse.com ">continue@paulsfunhouse.com</a>

ONE WEEK is all you have ...900 emails to go and counting!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Rubin, Stan, Gene, Tammy, Laura, Joseph,
Carole, Unicorn, Bret, Jack, Pat, Nana.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

What do a blonde and a Harley have in common?

It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to good ride, and
when you stand them up, they leak.

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
<a href=" http://www.iwnl.net/?16 ">F-R-E-E  E-Z-I-N-E-S</A>
http://www.iwnl.net/?16

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Two old gentlemen, one 80 , the other 87, were sitting on their usual park
>bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friends
stamina, so he asked him, "What is it that gives you so much energy?"

The 87 year old says, "Well, I eat Italian bread everyday, it keeps my
energy level high and I have great stamina with the ladies." So, on his
way home, the 80 year old stops at the local bakery. As he is looking
around, the sales lady asks him if he would like some help. He says,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"

She says, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He says, "Yes, I want five loaves."

She replies, Five loaves, my goodness, don't you think that by the time you
get to the fifth loaf it'll be HARD?"

He replies, "Holy cow, does everybody in the world know about this Italian
bread thing but ME?"

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

 1940   Lester Chambers Flora MS, vocalist (Chambers Brothers-Time Has Come Today)
1941 Margaret Price Tredegar Wales, soprano (Pamlina-Die Zauberflte)
1942 Bill Conti Providence RI, composer (For Your Eyes Only, Rocky IV)
1943 Bill Koch US skier
1943 Eve Graham rocker (New Seekers)
1944 Brian Pendleton Wolverhampton West Midlands England, rocker (The Pretty Things)
1944 Charles Burnett director (When it Rains, Glass Shield)
1944 Jack Casady Washington DC, rock bassist (Hot Tuna, Jefferson Airplane)
1944 Michael Saunders barrister
1945 Lowell George rock vocalist/guitarist (Little Feat-Time is a Hero)
1945 Tony Dow Hollywood CA, actor (Wally-Leave it to Beaver)
1945 Carlos Gimenez Argentina/Venezuela, founder (Theater festival of Caracas)
1945 Edward J Caruthers Jr Troy AL, high jumper (Olympics-silver-1968)
1945 Raymond van Geytenbeek Dutch singer/drummer (Les Baroques)
1945 Stacy Johnson US singer (Sharpees-Tired of Being Alone)
1946 Al Green Forest City AR, singer (Lets Stay Together)
1946 Jim Pons rocker (Mothers Of Invention)
1946 Roy Loney rocker (Flaming Groovies)
1948 Amy Robinson Trenton NJ, writer/actress (Mean Streets)
1948 Kathleen Battle US soprano (Tannhuser)
1948 Peter Swevel rocker
1949 Philippe Petit Nemours France, juggler/aerialist
1949 Jean-Jacques Favier Kehl Germany, astronaut (STS 78)
1950 Terry Lester Indianapolis IN, actor (Royce Keller-As The World Turns, Mason Capwell-Santa Barbara, Jack Abbott-Young & Restless)
1950 Riff West rock bassist (Molly Hatchet)
1950 Ron Perlman Bronx NY, actor (Quest for Fire, Beauty & the Beast)
1951 Beatrix "Trixie" Schuba Austria, figure skater (Olympics-gold-1972)
1951 Jack Quinn (Representative-Republican-NY)
1951 Max Weinberg rock drummer (E Street Band, Conan O'Brien Show)
1951 Peabo Bryson Greenville SC, R&B vocalist (I'm So into You)
1951 Peter Davison actor (Dr Who, Sink or Swim, Fiddlers Three)
1952 Jonjo O'Neill racehorse trainer
1953 Stephen Byers MP
1954 Barbara Roche MP
1954 Jimmy Destri rock keyboardist (Blondie-Heart of Glass, Rapture)
1955 Kabaka of Buganda
1955 Louis Johnson Los Angeles CA, rock bassist/vocalist (Brothers Johnson)
1956 Michael Nikolay German Democratic Republic, gymnast (Olympics)
1957 Saundra Santiago Bronx NY, actress (Gina-Miami Vice)
1957 Wayne Lewis keyboardist, (Atlantic Star-Touch a 4 Leaf Clover)
1957 Gary Kroeger Cedar Falls IA, comedian (Saturday Night Live, Return of Shaggy Dog)
1958 Randy Piper heavy metal rocker (Wasp-Wildchild)
1959 Vicki Witt Lansing MI, playmate (August 1978)
1961 Tammy Stephens Arlington TX, singer (Girls Next Door-Don't Be Cruel)
1963 Gary Kimovich Kasparov USSR, world chess champion (1985- )
1963 Jan Willem van Ede Dutch soccer player (FC Utrecht, PSV)
1963 Mark Leiter Joliet IL, pitcher (San Francisco Giants)
1964 Bill D'Angelo heavy metal rocker
1964 Page Hannah Chicago IL, actress (Kate Riley-Fame)
1964 Davis Milton Love III Charlotte NC, PGA golfer (1987 MCI Heritage)
1964 Doug Strange Greenville SC, infielder (Seattle Mariners)
1964 Jose Rijo pitcher (New York Yankees, Cincinnati Reds)
1965 Quinn Early NFL wide receiver (New Orleans Saints, Buffalo Bills)
1966 Rodney Smith Washington DC, 149 lbs greco-roman wrestler (Olympics-92, 96)
1967 Dana Barros NBA guard (Boston Celtics)
1968 Tami Lyn Jameson Minneapolis MN, team handball goalie/twin sister of Toni (Olympics-92, 96)
1968 Ted Washington NFL nose tackle (Buffalo Bills)
1968 Toni Lee Jameson Minneapolis MN, team handball back court/twin sister of Tami (Olympics-96)
1969 Harold Pruett rocker (Outsiders-Time Won't Let Me)

....and on this day in history:

 1940  Cornelious Warmerdam becomes the 1st man to pole vault 15 feet, Berkeley CA
1940 2nd battle of Narvik-8 German destroyers, destroyed
1940 Stanley Cup New York Rangers beat Toronto Maple Leafs, 4 games to 2
1941 Heavy German assault on Tobruk
1941 Russian-Japan no-attack treaty goes into effect
1943 FDR dedicates Jefferson Memorial
1943 Catholic University Nijegen closes
1943 Nazi's discover mass grave of Polish officers near Katyn
1944 South Carolina rejects black suffrage
1944 Stanley Cup Montral Canadiens sweep Chicago Blackhawks in 4 games
1944 Transport nr 71 departs with French Jews to Nazi-Germany
1945 Allies occupy Wien (Vienna)
1945 Canadian army liberates Teuge & Assen Netherlands from Nazi's
1945 US marines conquer Minna Shima off Okinawa
1946 Belgian premier Acker proclaims wage & price freeze over
1946 Eddie Klepp, a white pitcher signed by defending Negro League champion Cleveland Buckeyes, is barred from field in Birmingham AL
1948 75 scientists ambushed on way to Mount Scopus
1949 Minneapolis beats Washington, 4 games to 2, for the NBA championship
1949 3rd NBA Championship Minneapolis Lakers beat Washington Capitals, 4 games to 2
1953 1st game of Milwaukee Braves, they beat Cincinnati Reds 2-0
1954 Baltimore Orioles 1st game, lose to Tigers in Detroit 3-0
1954 Milwaukee Braves' Hank Aaron's 1st game
1954 Robert Oppenheimer accused of being a communist
1955 20.33" (51.64 cm) of rainfall, Axis AL (state record)
1956 KETA TV channel 13 in Oklahoma City OK (PBS) begins broadcasting
1957 Due to lack of funds, Saturday mail delivery in the US is temporarily halted
1957 "Shinbone Alley" opens at Broadway Theater NYC for 49 performances
1957 11th NBA Championship Boston Celtics beat St Louis Hawks, 4 games to 3
1957 11th Tony Awards Long Days Journey into the Night & My Fair Lady win
1958 12th Tony Awards Sunrise at Campobello & Music Man win
1959 Vanguard SLV-5 launched for Earth orbit (failed)
1959 Vatican edict forbids Roman Catholics from voting for communists
1959 USAF launches Discoverer II into polar orbit
1960 France becomes the 4th nuclear nation exploding an A-Bomb in Sahara
1960 Transit 1B, 1st navigational satellite, placed in Earth orbit
1961 UN General Assembly condemns South Africa for apartheid
1961 "Carnival!" opens at Imperial Theater NYC for 719 performances
1962 Stan Musial scores his 1,869th run, a new National League record
1962 US steel industry forced to give up price increases
1963 Pete Rose triples for his 1st major league base hit
1963 Pittsburgh Pirate's Bob Friend balks 4 times in a game
1964 New Zealand Colin Bosher shears a record 565 sheep in 1 work day
1964 Sidney Poitier becomes 1st black man to win Oscar for best actor
1964 36th Academy Awards - "Tom Jones", Sidney Poitier & Patricia Neal win
1964 Ian D Smith becomes premier of Rhodesia
1965 Beatles record "Help"
1965 Lawrence Bradford Jr (age 16), of NYC became 1st black congressional page
1965 1st US Senate black page, Lawrence W Bradford Jr, 16, appointed by New York Senator Jacob Javits
1966 Pan Am places $525,000,000 order for 25 Boeing 747s
1969 33rd Golf Masters Championship George Archer wins, shooting a 281

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous  so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on
his gloves."Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big
tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and
throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

Down on the Farm
by Linda Sharp

Today I decided that I am a farmer. Not a mother. Not a caretaker.
Not a wife. I am a farmer. No slur or negative connotation intended
here. On the contrary, farmers perform a frequently thankless job
that we would perish without. See? Farmer = Me. Perish = My family.

I came to the realization this morning while harvesting a new crop
of my husband's underwear. Not an easy chore, mind you. While there
is an "acre" (the hamper) specifically set aside for this crop, it
seems to pop up rather weedlike. The bathroom doorknob, behind the
closet door, the side of the bed. (No complaints about how that one
gets there!) The underwear crop does not like to grow alone. It is
usually found along side a bushel size pile of dirty socks.

The harvesting continues as I proceed to the "South 40", better known
as my daughters' bedroom. Once again, although specific acreage has
been set aside, their "crop" tends to prefer growing in "stinkweed"
fashion. . . ALL OVER THE FARM!

More?...

<a href=" http://www.lindasharp.com/down_on_the_farm.htm ">Linda Sharp</a>
http://www.lindasharp.com/down_on_the_farm.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

"Well, under the new requirements, they say Canadians who,
up to this point only need to show a driver's license to
cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians
coming into the United States will need to bring a passport,
or a bag of cheap prescription drugs."
-Jay Leno

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Three Hymms
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/3hymms.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/3hymms.shtml ">Three Hymms</a>

Part Time Job
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/partimejob.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/partimejob.shtml ">Part Time Job</a>

Naughty Bears
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nawtybears.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nawtybears.shtml ">Naughty Bears</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Ron walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man
with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's
pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis,
which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the
bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's
moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his
pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know,
but I sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

a story about larry's flight

<a href=" http://www.markbarry.com/amazing/lawnchairman.html ">the lawn chair pilot</a>
http://www.markbarry.com/amazing/lawnchairman.html

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

I took my wife and mother-in-law on a cruise to the Holy Land.

While there my mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told me, "You
can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy
Land for $150.00."?

I thought about it and told him to have her shipped home.? The undertaker
asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when
it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and spend only
$150.00?"?

I replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to
the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Johhny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

I prefer to describe my profession as that of a "Contemporary
Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the
right amount of flair.  Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Gun Bag
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/guntote.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/guntote.shtml ">Gun Bag</a>

Kates Taters
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/taters.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/taters.shtml ">Kates Taters</a>

Mirror, Mirror
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mirror.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mirror.shtml ">Mirror, Mirror</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[ok so I got some grief over a Terri Schiavo joke that I ran ...seems that
I hit a nerve ...so in response:]

The top 10 things that Terri Schiavo wanted to say to her parents:

Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!
Please let me die with some dignity!!

And the #1 thing Terry Schiavo wanted to say to her parents:

Please let me die with some dignity!!

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

A vast majority of married men sleep on the right hand side
of the bed (facing from the headboard), regardless of race,
creed or age. Divorced men often switch to left side.

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the
same skirts I had before I got married."

"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

Playboy Bunny Barbie
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/playboybarbie.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/playboybarbie.shtml ">Playboy Bunny
Barbie</a>

Exactly WHAT Are They Praying For
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pray4what.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pray4what.shtml ">Exactly WHAT Are
They Praying For</a>

One of Four People
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/1of4ppl.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/1of4ppl.shtml ">One of Four
People</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

How Stupid Can You Be?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, "Does the sun
rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun
rises in the East, (and has for some time), she shook her head
and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.  One
day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was open.  I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
hours a day, 7 days a week."  He responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?"  Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
Pacific."

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.  She drove down
in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because
the car was moving."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.  It's designed to cut
through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?"  I explained that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned.

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub
place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was
better.  The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive.  My girlfriend got a quizzical look on
her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed
with the same price on the menu?"  To this, the clerk responded, "I
don't think we add tax to the turkey."

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because she
was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  "Now," she
asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

            ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket
and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering
husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the
theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering
her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you
stole a can of tomatoes.  Let us suppose that there were six
tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor,
may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make
an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he
said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Why It Is Important To Smile When Taking Pictures
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nosmile.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nosmile.shtml ">Why It Is Important
To Smile When Taking Pictures</a>

My Dog Hates Snow Too
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dog.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dog.shtml ">My Dog Hates Snow Too</a>

Redneck Dinner - Chicken N Beer
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckdinner.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckdinner.shtml ">Redneck
Dinner - Chicken N Beer</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

A man who went to the sheriff's department to bond out his brother-
in-law also ended up in jail when police realized the money he
handed them reeked of marijuana. Timothy Richards went to the
Decatur County Sheriff's Department and when he handed dispatcher
Julie Meyers $400, she counted it and then noticed something unusual.

``When I walked back toward the jail I noticed the money was damp
and smelled funny,'' Meyers said.  A jailer who sniffed the money told
her it smelled like marijuana, she said.  Indiana State Trooper Chip
Ayers was nearby and asked for the money, she said. He smelled it and
then asked Richards for consent to search him and his car, Meyers said.

Ayers found a pipe and a small amount of marijuana and charged Richards
with possession. If convicted, he could face six months to three years
in prison and a $10,000 fine.  Richards remained in jail for several
hours Tuesday - until his brother-in-law made bail and came back to
pay his own $250 bond.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Aging Mildred was a 80 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl after 50 years of marriage.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,  "Your heart would
be just below your left breast."  Later that night, Mildred was admitted
to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]  N A I L   B I T E R  [||||]

"Woman who claims she found a human finger in her Wendy's chili has a
history of similar lawsuits."  (AP/4/9)

[]   Including a claim against Hollywood's popular "Lecter's," alleging
she found traces of human spleen in her ministrone.

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A man was sitting dejectedly at a bar when a friend entered,
slapped the man on the back and drank the seated fellow's drink.
The seated man began to cry.

Awww! I'm sorry," he said. "I was just teasing. I'll buy you
another drink."

"No, you don't understand! My son died two weeks ago and my wife
was so upset she left me. I was laid off last week and expect a
foreclosure on the house soon. In addition, my doctor tells me
I have a disease which will weaken me over the next few years
but won't kill me for many years. Things look so dark that I
decided to kill myself. Now you've waltzed in and drank my
damned poison."

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

A 34-year-old Venice, Florida high school math teacher was arrested
after two female students said he served them vodka and smoked
marijuana with them at his house. He was arrested Wednesday and
charged with possession of more than 20 grams of marijuana,
cultivation of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia,
delivery of a controlled substance to a person under 18 years
old and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The students
told investigators they went to the teacher's home to make up some
school work. He gave them vodka and smoked marijuana with them
from a glass pipe, the report said. He also took the girls into the
garage and showed them some marijuana plants.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Extra! Extra! Journalists Sometimes Lie!

I always used to roll my eyes at people who said "you can't believe
everything you read." With the exception of all supermarket tabloids and
magazines, I had always believed that newspapers were -- for the most
part -- fairly trustworthy in the news they reported. Whether I agreed
with them or not, I thought the writers always tried their best to be as
honest as possible.

Boy, was I wrong.

According to the New York Times (official motto: "Hey, we learned our
lesson after the Jayson Blair thing!"), Assistant Secretary of Health
and Human Services, Wade Horn, was found to have hired three nationally
syndicated columnists to secretly shill for Bush administration
policies.

These conservative columnists -- Michael McManus, Maggie Gallagher, and
Armstrong Williams -- were hired to write about a variety of topics,
including a marriage initiative and No Child Left Behind. This is
normally not a problem, as journalists will sometimes hire themselves
out as PR flaks for some extra income.

The problem is these three promoted their pet issues in their columns
without saying they were being paid to write about them. A clear
violation of journalistic ethics which, believe it or not, actually
exist.

In fact, there were so many PR agencies being hired to write and produce
fictitious news segments that the General Accountability Office forbade
federal agencies from creating their own news reports "that conceal or
do not clearly identify for the television viewing audience that the
agency was the source of materials." The GAO said this violates
government restrictions on covert propaganda -- something we haven't
even been allowed to use during the Iraq war.

In other words, we can torture people, we just can't lie to them.

Of course, it's not too surprising to learn that the Justice Department
and the Office of Management and Budget ordered all executive branch
agencies to ignore the GAO. Translation: even if it's illegal, we still
want you to do it.

But this is normally not something journalists do, at least not without
some disclaimer that says "I am a shameless, unethical hack who was paid
huge sums of money to sell my soul to sleazy partisan interests."

I say this partly out of a sense of moral outrage at the violation of
journalistic ethics and the public trust, but mostly because no one has
ever made this kind of offer to me. That, and I can't get it all to fit
on a t-shirt.

That's not to say I haven't freelanced as a PR flak myself. I can think
of two notable instances where small business owners -- a personal life
coach and a pizza restaurant owner -- paid me to use my writing and
advertising skills to promote their businesses. I wrote an outstanding
sales letter for the life coach and eye-catching door hangers for the
pizza guy.

They each went out of business six months later.

In my defense, it wasn't my fault. I did the job I was hired to do, I
did it well, and I even went above and beyond the call of duty. But I
still couldn't shake the feeling that there was a connection between my
work and their. . . non-work.

Believe me, nothing is a bigger blow to a writer's ego than out-and-out
failure of the company he is writing for. Receiving a rejection letter
from a magazine is nothing compared to the thought that somehow you have
single-handedly managed to destroy a man's life work and dreams.

As a result, I try to avoid writing on behalf of causes I support. I'm
now afraid that any attempts to write for them would cause gross
violations of human rights, plunge the world into a wave of fascism and
communism, and bring about the return of Walker, Texas Ranger to
television.

So instead, I'm offering my services for hire to my favorite causes or
companies, but I'll write for the opposition instead -- sort of a secret
agent/saboteur copywriter. This will guarantee the failure of that
particular organization, thus paving the way for the success for my own
chosen cause.

It works something like this: For the price of a new BMW Z4 3.0i
Roadster, I'd be happy to say wonderfully glowing things about Mercedes.
For a year's supply of Papa Johns pizza, I'll write outstanding reviews
about Pizza Hut. And for a 5-year subscription to DIRECTV and the NFL
Sunday Ticket, I'll tell everyone I can about how great the Dish Network
is. Each of my target companies will soon go out of business, leaving my
secret employer to reap the rewards (and give me 2% off the back end as
well).

Hey, who are you going to believe, me, or some unethical hack like
Armstrong Williams or Mike McManus?

Uhh, don't answer that.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

DON'T FORGET: Send me an email ...900 to go ... this is your only chance to let
me know whether to keep publishing!