ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
So I missed yesterday's issue ... but I have a really good
excuse ... I went to Rome to visit a good friend of mine and
decided to go out for pizza ... well it was amazing ... there
was a really long line at the pizza parlour and it took me
over 10 hours to be able to place my order ....the weirdest
thing though was that before I got to the order desk ... I had
to walk past this dead guy in a really fancy costume ...
creepy.
...but seriously ...for the millions of Roman Catholics around
the world ...it has been a rough couple of weeks. Pope John
Paul II passed away on Saturday. Although I am not a Catholic,
The Pope has definately made an impact on my life and I think
we all share the loss together. It was his time though as his
health was not good and getting worse.
On a much lighter note ...this past weekend my family and I
travelled to Edomonton, Alberta for an R&R weekend. We
spent two days in the largest shopping mall in the world:
West Edmonton Mall and got to do the touristy things. We
spent a full day in the waterpark which features a huge collect-
ion of water slides and a HUGE indoor wavepool. And then we
spent the next day in the amusement park which features over
25 rides and attractions including the largest indoor triple-loop
roller coaster in the world. Now those of you that know me
well know that I love coasters and The Mindbender in Edmonton
is a great example of a coaster. With speeds reaching 60MPH
it is an exhilarating ride. I had ridden the coaster a number of
time previously ... but my kids were always too young for it ...well
not this year ...my kids and I rode the coaster a total of EIGHT
times on Saturday and we'd still be on there now if the mall hadn't
closed. My middle son, Jared, sat next to me on the first ride and
on the way up the first hill all he could say was: "I wanna get off,
I am gonna die, stop this thing, I wanna get out ... " ... I kept
telling him to breathe and relax ... we reached the top of the hill
and the coaster begins its slow turn and twist to bring you to an
almost 90 degree 127 foot plunge bringing the speed of the car
to about 60 MPH in less than 2 seconds ... it then rolls to the
top of the next hill and at that point Jared screamed out "THAT
WAS AWESOME!" Needless to say ... he's hooked like his
dad! The Mindbender may not be the best roller coaster in
the world, it may not be the fastest, or the one with the largest
drop ... but for anyone visiting Edmonton... it is certainly worth
the stop! It is amazing how big of a ride they have been able
to construct in such a small area.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Sherri, Wayne, Stan,
Rubin, Laura, Nana, Carole, Larry.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Ezines, Newsletters, Mailing Lists, Emails,
Whatever you want to call them, they're
F-R-E-E for everyone, to get some, visit:
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needed a
handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells
down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the
guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye,
meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he
moves
his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and
begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first
floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid
or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!"
The labourer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I
was just trying to tell you that I was coming."
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Anne Campbell MP
1940 Homero Aridjis Mexican poet (La Tumba de Filidor)
1941 Hans W Geissendorfer Augsburg Germany, director (Sternsteinhof)
1942 Phil Austin comedian (Firesign Theater)
1943 Susan Tolsky Houston, actress (Madame's Place, Here Come the Brides)
1943 Harry Conroy trade unionist
1943 Joaquin Agostinho Portuguese cyclist
1943 Roger Cook investigative journalist/broadcaster
1944 John Stax rocker (Pretty Things-Don't Bring Me Down)
1944 Judith McConnell Pittsburgh PA, actress (Sophia-Santa Barbara)
1944 [Holly] Michelle [Gilliam] Phillips Long Beach CA, singer (Mama &
Papas)/actress (Knots Landing)
1944 Felicity Palmer British mezzo-soprano
1945 Bob Marley reggae musician/singer (Whalers-No Woman)
1945 Rodney Bickerstaffe trade unionist
1946 Paul Beresford MP
1947 Jan Kees Wiebenga Dutch MP (VVD)
1947 Tony Connor Romford Essex England, drummer (Hot Chocolate-You Sexy Thing)
1949 Jane Actman New York NY, actress (Barbara-Paul Lynde Show)
1949 Mary Maples Dunn college president (Smith College)
1950 Dennis E Eckart (Representative-Democrat-OH, 1981- )
1951 Ralph Cooper Australia, drummer (Air Supply-All Out of Love)
1952 Marilu Henner Chicago IL, actress (Taxi, Man Who Loved Women, Evening
Shade)
1952 Udo Dirkshneider heavy metal rocker (Accept-Balls to the Wall, Udo)
1952 Judith McConnell actress (Sophia Capwell-Santa Barbara)
1953 Janet Lynn ice skater (Olympics-bronze-1972)
1954 Judi Bowker Shawford England, actress (Clash of the Titans)
1956 Dilip Vengsarkar cricketer (prolific Indian batsman 1976-92)
1956 Mudassar Nazar cricketer (son of Nazar Mohammad Pakistani bat)
1957 Maurizio Damilano Italian speed walker (30K World Record)
1959 Dianne Brill Tampa, fashion designer/party girl (Queen of the Night)
1961 Mike Schuchart Omaha NE, Nike golfer (1994 NIKE Tour Championship)
1961 Rory Bremner impressionist
1962 Stan Cullimore bassist (Housemartins-Happy Hour, Over There)
1963 Lorenzo Lynch NFL safety (Arizona Cardinals, Oakland Raiders)
1964 Johnny Dee heavy metal drummer (Britny Fox-Boys in Heat, King Kobra)
1964 Bill Brooks NFL wide receiver (Buffalo Bills)
1965 Rica Reinisch German Democratic Republic, 100 meter/200 meter backstroke
(Olympics-gold-1980)
1965 Gerald Diduck Edmonton, NHL defenseman (Hartford Whalers)
1965 Virginia Lee Australian rower (Olympics-96)
1966 Kymberly Paige Newport Beach CA, playmate (May 1987)
1967 John Ratzenberger Bridgeport CT, actor (Cliff Clavin-Cheers)
1967 Derrick Fenner NFL running back (Oakland Raiders)
1968 Chris Anderson Australian high jumper (Olympics-96)
1969 Ari Meyers San Juan Puerto Rico, actress (Emma McArdle-Kate & Allie)
1969 Andy Harmon NFL defensive tackle (Philadelphia Eagles)
1969 Bret Boone El Cajon CA, infielder (Cincinnati Reds)
1969 Brian Williams NBA center/forward (Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Clippers)
.....and on this day in history:
1941 Italian-held Addis Ababa capitulates to British &
Ethiopian forces
1941 8th Golf Masters Championship Craig Wood wins, shooting a 280
1941 Beginning of 3 day bombardment of Belgrade (17,000 die)
1941 British General Gambier-Parry caught in North Africa
1941 German bombardment on Piraeus (munitions ship explodes)
1943 British & US offensive at Wadi Akarit, South-Tunisia
1943 Lou Jansen, leader of illegal Dutch political party (CPN) arrested
1944 Jewish nursery at Izieu-Ain France overrun by Nazi's
1945 Coevorden freed from Nazi's
1945 Japanese giant battleship Yamato heads to Okinawa
1945 Massive kamikaze-attack on US battle fleet near Okinawa
1945 US marines explore Tsugen Shima near Okinawa
1947 11th Golf Masters Championship Jimmy Demaret wins his 2nd Masters golf
tournament, shooting a 281
1947 1st Tony Awards Arthur Miller, David Wayne & Patricia Neal win
1950 John F Dulles becomes advisor to US Secretary of State Dean Acheson
1952 16th Golf Masters Championship Sam Snead wins his 2nd Masters golf
tournament, shooting a 286
1954 Montral Canadiens score 3 goals in 56 seconds in playoff game against
Detroit Red Wings
1954 TV Dinner is 1st put on sale by Swanson & Sons
1954 US performs atmospheric nuclear test at Bikini Island
1955 "3 for Tonight" opens at Plymouth Theater NYC for 85
performances
1955 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1955 Yemen failed coup by Abdullah Seif el-Islam
1956 Polish communist Gomulka freed from prison
1957 NYC ends trolley car service
1957 USSR performs nuclear test (atmospheric tests)
1958 Arnold Palmer wins 1st major golf tournament-the Masters
1959 31st Academy Awards "Gigi", Susan Hayward & David Niven win
1964 Egypt & Belgium restore diplomatic relations
1965 Intelsat 1 ("Early Bird") 1st commercial geosynchronous
communications satellite
1966 Mihir Sen swims the Palk Strait between Sri Lanka & India
1967 Premier Pompidou forms new French government
1968 94.5% of East German voters approve new socialist constitution
1968 Gunpowder stock at a sporting-goods store explodes, killing 43 (Virginia)
1968 HemisFair 1968 opens in San Antonio TX
1968 Firestone World Tournament of Champions won by Dave Davis
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP! - For centuries, Hindu women
have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively
thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true
story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings
with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches
off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas
station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
The Vegetable Garden
by Sheila Moss
Spring is here and something primitive stirs the blood - the
urge to dig and plant, to renew and revive the earth. Several
years ago when we first moved to the suburbs, we dreamed of
tilling the soil, producing crops, and becoming weekend
farmers.
Never mind that we had grown up as city kids and didn't know a
whit about growing anything, expect perhaps a tomato plant or
two in a flowerbed. This was it, our time to find our roots,
get back to nature.
The lot beside our house was plowed, and the smell of fresh earth
stirred our planting instincts even further. We visited local
garden stores and selected seedlings and envelopes of seeds with
colorful pictures of fresh vegetables. We fanaticized about the
bountiful veggies we would soon be growing.
More? ...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/garden.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/garden.htm
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"You know what I watched last night? "Mad Max, the Road
Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that, about
1980? It takes place when gas is so precious, people are
killing each other for a couple of gallons. And it was set
some time in the future I think it was summer 2005."
-Jay Leno
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Hit The Dot
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dotgame.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dotgame.shtml ">Hit The
Dot</a>
Would You/Could You Use This Toilet?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/woulducouldu.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/woulducouldu.shtml
">Would You/Could
You Use This Toilet?</a>
Latte Is French For...
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/latte.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/latte.shtml ">Latte Is
French
For...</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Walking into the bar, Sam said to the bartender, "Pour
me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the
little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said the bartender. "And how did this one
end?
"When it was over," Sam replied, "she came to me on
her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little
chicken shit."
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
a story about this guy who used a jato (jet assisted take off) on his car
<a href=" http://www.rocketcarstory.com/
">the rocket car legend</a>
http://www.rocketcarstory.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
An older, white haired man named Norm walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler
he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. Norm said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,"
the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated
by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no money in that account."
"I know", said Norm, "but can you imagine the weekend I
had?"
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Costco when they
collide. The first guy says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention."
The second guy says, "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate!"
The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What
does she look like?"
The second guy says, " Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short
shorts. What does your wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter....let's look for yours!"
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring
at carpeting?
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
This Would Be The Perfect Breakfast If . . .
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl38.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl38.shtml ">This
Would Be The
Perfect Breakfast If . . .</a>
We're Not Gossipping
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notgossip.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notgossip.shtml ">We're
Not
Gossipping</a>
Easiest Person To Talk To
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz5.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fitz5.shtml ">Easiest
Person To Talk
To</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy
that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also,
he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his
head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a
date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they
become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls
out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and
says,"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the
word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when
the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment
there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear
that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs
were to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or
pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zebs
favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, only
his bell had not rung all morning. Zeb went to investigate. Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing ! BUT, Brewster had
his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation!! The judges not only awarded him:
THE NO BELL PIECE PRIZE,
but also,
THE PULLET SURPRISE!!!!
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Granny Gets The Breathalyzer Again
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grannydui.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grannydui.shtml
">Granny Gets The
Breathalyzer Again</a>
Advice From Planned Parenthood
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/advice.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/advice.shtml ">Advice
From Planned
Parenthood</a>
Got Milk
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gotmilk.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gotmilk.shtml ">Got
Milk</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park
denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to
ask the mother some questions.
"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you
know
anything about contraceptives?"
"What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply.
"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when
you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"
"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's
cock!"
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the
problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the
young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife"
replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd
take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't
work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
The Happy Royal Couple
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/royalcouple.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/royalcouple.shtml ">The
Happy Royal
Couple</a>
For Relaxation
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/4relaxation.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/4relaxation.shtml ">For
Relaxation</a>
The Bride Needs SlimFast
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bridediet.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bridediet.shtml ">The
Bride Needs
SlimFast</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Romanian woman was so keen to play bingo that she left
her baby in the back of a taxi. Cabbie Toader Versan thought
someone had left a pet in his car when he heard a noise
coming from the back. Mr Versan, from Cluj, stopped and found
it was a baby. He called the police and, after searching for
clues to the mother, he remembered taking a woman to a bingo
club. Mr Versan went back to the club, identified the woman
and asked her if she had left anything in his car. The woman
reportedly replied: "My God, where's my baby?" She told police
she never intended to abandon her child but simply forgot it.
Child protection authorities say they will investigate.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
New TV shows are basically old shows, reworked slightly.
Here are some new shows coming your way soon:
Bob Villa in a show about middle-aged folks having
plastic surgery: This old Spouse.
A whiz kid lawyer who starts a lucrative practice:
Doogie Shyster.
Barabara Walters and Hugh Downs host a news show for
older folks whose hearing and eyesight are
deteriorating: 20/200
A miniseries on the clinton presidency: The Blunder
Years.
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] T A K E S I X T Y [||||]
"A Welsh composer has written a one-minute fanfare that will be played
during the Charles-Camilla marriage ceremony." (USA/3/31)
[] In honor of Charles whom Camilla calls her "Minute
Man."
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
TOP 10 THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN TO MICHAEL SCHIAVO
10. Every time he has to fill a prescription or see a doctor
for anything, he gets told, "Sorry, no more food or water
for you."
9. All his lifetime subscriptions get cancelled.
8. The City Council re-names the street he lives on "Terri
Schiavo Was Killed by Michael Schiavo Boulevard."
7. Every time his girlfriend has an orgasm she screams
"Terri! Terri! Terri!" involuntarily.
6. His car rolls into a Florida canal one night, rolls upside
down, and he's trapped in it without food or water for two
weeks until cops find him.
5. A mole grows on his penis that looks exactly like Terri's
face.
4. Michael's girlfriend leaves him for a guy named Terry.
3. Michael develops Lou Gehrig's Disease and his body slowly
becomes paralyzed.
2. Every time Michael tries to discipline his kids, they say
to him, "What are you gonna do, Dad? Take out my feeding
tube?"
1. An army of zombies marches on Michael's house and he is
forced to run through the streets at night in terror with
the rotting flesh of the undead following him.
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
Three Albany, Georgia teenagers were charged with armed robbery,
after they gave their real address to the pizza delivery service
they stuck up. If convicted, they would have to serve a minimum
ten years in prison for using a gun to steal twenty dollars worth
of pizza. A Domino's Pizza delivery driver was robbed at the
Pinnacle West Apartments by three young men armed with a pistol
Saturday night about 11:30. The robbers took a pizza, box of
chicken wings, and a soft drink worth twenty dollars. When the
order was called in, they gave one apartment number, but then
changed it to another apartment in the same building. Police
found them at the original address. The teens had eaten the food,
but the boxes were sitting in plain view when Investigators came
in.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Don't Bogart the Pointy Rocks
It's always important, in any business, to appeal to the greatest number
of people in your market or audience. Newspapers and magazines write to
the average reading level, which is the 6th grade, while radio stations
play music that will numb the sensibilities of most people. In some
cases, it's smart marketing. In others, it's just dumbing it down to
appeal to the lowest common denominator.
But the Bible?
According to a recent story in the London Observer, a panel of 15
"eminent theologians and linguists" have recommended that the
International Bible Society reword its Today's New International Version
of the Bible to clear up any confusion that young people might have
about it.
It seems the word "stoned" actually means "stoned to
death," and has
nothing to do with drug addiction. According to these 15 theologians and
linguists, this important distinction has escaped the understanding of
most young people.
"Dude, have you ever looked at your Bible? I mean, REALLY looked at
it?"
I would think, given the Bible's overall "Thou shalt not" reputation,
a
rule against using recreational drugs to achieve a pleasurable,
mind-altering effect would be pretty obvious. So I think if anything has
escaped anyone, it's that 15 eminent theologians and linguists have no
clue about the average young person of today.
Of course, you have to wonder what is really going through the minds of
a typical teenager during a typical teenage Bible study, other than,
"Man, Jenny is really hot. I wonder if she'll go out with me." Do
they
think people went around firing up a left-handed cigarette or snorting a
quick line? What do they think it means when someone got stoned in
Ancient Israel?
Pharisee #1: Zimri of Heshbon, you have been found guilty of committing
adultery while eating a cheeseburger on the Sabbath. The elders of the
Temple have decided that you shall be stoned.
Pharisee #2: Yeah, so light up this doobie and play some Pink Floyd's
"Dark Side of the Moon."
Prisoner: Aww, man, I wanted to hear some Bob Marley.
Pharisee #1: As it is written, so shall it be. Lay down a little Babylon
By Bus.
Pharisee #2: Wait, leader dude!
Pharisee #1: Dave. My name is Dave.
Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.
Pharisee #1: What?
Pharisee #2: Never mind. I mean it's not 4:20 yet. Stoning law says that
heathens are not allowed to be stoned before 4:20.
Prisoner: Dude, lighten up. It's 4:20 somewhere.
Pharisee #1: Actually, it's 12:45. It's not 4:20 anywhere.
Prisoner: Forget it. Just fire that thing up. I'm ready for my
punishment.
Pharisee #2: You're not a cop, are you?! You have to tell us if you're a
cop if we ask you.
Pharisee #1: That's right. It's high time the cops quit cracking down on
us. It's not like we're hurting anyone.
Pharisee #2: Dude, you said "high time."
Prisoner: That is so freakin' hilarious.
Pharisee #1: I know. I screwed that one up so -- wait, what? Who are
you?
Prisoner: I'm Dave.
Pharisee #1: No, I'm Dave.
Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.
Pharisee #1: Yes, I am. I'm right here. But what are we doing here?
Pharisee #2: What are any of us doing here?
Pharisee #1: No, I mean what are we supposed to be doing here?
Prisoner: I forget.
Pharisee #2: Me too. I gotta go. I need to finish my entry on
alt.conspiracy.papyrus. I think the Mesopotamians and Samaritans are
trying to control our minds by washing their clothes in our rivers.
Pharisee #1: Yeah, I need to go too. My parents are coming down on me
pretty hard. Apparently they're not happy that I'm still living in their
basement. I told them, I'm only 32. I've got plenty of time to find my
own place. But my old man is on me not to cut my beard or lift anything
heavier than a fig on the Sabbath.
Prisoner: Cool. I'll catch you guys later then. You want to meet back
here tomorrow? We'll finish up where we left off.
Pharisee #1: That's cool. See you, dude.
Pharisee #2: Yeah, see you, Dave.
Pharisee #1: I'm Dave.
Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.